Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If and how I should tell my brother...

177 replies

LHReturns · 08/02/2016 21:30

Here are the headlines:

My brother and I were always incredibly close. In our 20s he was married to a lovely girl and the three of us spent lots of time together (or four is us when I had a boyfriend).

About 5 years ago my brother and his wife split up which was very sad for everyone as she was very much part of our family. Fairly soon after he met a new girl - who was very young, vacuous, girly and silly. But she clearly gave my brother lots of things he hadn't had before - namely a great sex life and the chance to be frivolous and young again. So far absolutely fine.

He became totally infatuated with her so, after about a year of dating, when she announced she wanted to move to the USA, he quit his job, and went with her (he bought a business out there so they could both get work Visas etc). He paid all their expenses to move there, and has worked his butt off to try to build his business and keep them afloat. She doesn't make any money as she is a struggling entertainer, so things are tough for them. I have tried to help e.g I have loaned him money and paid for his travel home on a few occasions.

Back when announced the planned move to the US I made it very clear that I felt he was making a rash decision and that he didn't know her that well, she is very young etc etc. At the time she was 22 and he was 32. I probably was quite direct about my feelings (partly because she is a completely ridiculous Instagram-Reality-TV-obsessed bimbo, partly because he had a brilliant career here, but mainly because I was distraught that my brother was leaving the UK). He didn't like this feedback and understandably accused me of hating his new GF, and wanting to ruin his fun, and that I showed no respect for his decisions. Basically told me to FXXK OFF.

I accepted all that, we have grown to be close again now, and I have worked hard since he has lived out there to support him in any way possible. I have been to visit them three times, and paid for him and his GF to fly home to see us all over Christmas. I always include her in any plans.

As a couple they seem fairly happy. But my brother always has a slight defensiveness with me about her since the early falling out.

Over Christmas, by pure chance, I met someone that also knew her - and heard that categorically she is having an affair. She spoke openly about it to someone that she doesn't know that I know. It has been going on about 4 months back where she and my brother live in the US.

This is getting boring so I will stop. I have sat on this knowledge since Christmas as I don't know how to tell my brother without seriously damaging our relationship again. They have just moved into a new apartment with a year long contract,and he and I are very close again, and he (with her) is coming to my wedding later this year - again, at my cost.

I know she is cheating on him. Maybe he suspects, maybe he doesn't - I have no clue. Their relationship is much bumpier than it was when they first met. But I fear that if I tell him it is likely he will accuse me of always hating her, and we will back to where we were a few years back.

I guess I must tell him (and fast as 5 weeks have already passed since I found out). But HOW do I tell him in a way that makes him feel the least judged?

Any constructive ideas seriously welcome!

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 11/02/2016 08:16

OP, since your mother knows I think she should shoulder the responsibility and be the person to deal with speaking to DB about what you've heard. Your lending/giving money to him clouds the issue because he may feel that you think it gives you the right to tell him how to live his life.

Mag314 · 11/02/2016 08:20

I agree with that. My family have given me money on occasions so when they recently attempted to dissuade me from doing something important to me, I felt they were confusing gratitude with obedience. (which they were, I had to be uncharacteristically vociferous on that point before they backed down)

Yseulte · 11/02/2016 11:44

Hearsay is precisely what this is, its legal sense is a witness reporting another person's words in court. It's not admissible because it's not evidence.

A rumour may derive from hearsay but that doesn't mean that all hearsay is a rumour. A typical rumour would be the stories doing the rounds about the identity of Liam Neeson's gf - these aren't based even on hearsay, simply on speculation.

Yseulte · 11/02/2016 11:46

Sparkle - it was never your sister's responsibility to 'prove' your DH was cheating, that was up to you. Nor is it the OP's.

mix56 · 11/02/2016 16:55

yes, how do you go on interacting normally with him if you know what you know ?

I would email him, start by telling him that you have taken 5 weeks to decide & realise it may irredeemably hurt your Rship. but how to hide it ?
tell him what you have been told, & finish with you hope it's not true, you are not deliberately shit stirring & you realise the person bringing bad news usually gets shot...
Short, factual, apologetic.

mathanxiety · 11/02/2016 17:01

I agree that lending him money has clouded the issue, and that is why you need to keep a certain distance here. Otherwise he will feel emasculated, which needs to be avoided. Look up PIs in the region where they live. Many states issue licences to private investigators.

tinofbiscuits · 11/02/2016 17:17

I vote for telling him. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want to know? I think phone would be best.

Haffdonga · 11/02/2016 20:33

When a boyfriend did this to me I felt the far bigger betrayal was by my friends who knew what was happening but didn't want to tell me. I was very hurt by those friends, the boyfriend - meh.

I think you go along with Clashcity's advice Look bro, this is what I heard. I have no reason either to believe it or not but I didn't want to keep it secret from you.

GarlicBake · 11/02/2016 22:24

Sparkle - it was never your sister's responsibility to 'prove' your DH was cheating

No - Sparkle, you said "I wish I had believed her" but, frankly, you couldn't at the time because you didn't want to. An awful lot of us have been there. I'm sorry (and quite shocked) that this has spoiled your relationship with your sister. Assuming she wasn't present, taking photos, while your ex was DTD what else could she have done?

I recently - years after the divorce - learned that XH2 had made it very clear to two of my brothers that he was in the habit of using prostitutes. Although I did have a clue at the time, I was already falling for his "you're insecure and paranoid" line. They said they stayed quiet because I wouldn't have believed them. They may have been right. But I would like to have had the option!

I don't think it's fair to control another's knowledge. That goes double when you're controlling someone close to you.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/02/2016 22:39

I see that you don't want this to affect your relationship with your brother, but hasn't that ship sailed? How could you be around him, in a natural way, knowing what you've been told? I wouldn't always advise this with a friend, but with a brother, well, you have to tell him- how could you not? But as pps have said, tell him the facst, explain why you've waited for weeks to mull over what to do, and then let him work out what is or isn't happening and make his own choices. I would be gutted if my brother heard something like that about me and didn't let me know. He knows that you love him, and however he reacts initially, he will surely go away and realise that you have his back and are not being spiteful. Much easier to take this from a loved family member than a friend I think. Agree v shitty for you, but what else can you do? Bite the bullet, tell him what you have heard, wait and be there to support him whatever. And good luck Flowers Wine

PennyDropt · 12/02/2016 06:20

He is in the states so it's not as though everyone around him is whispering behind his back. Why isn't DM telling him??

didofido · 12/02/2016 07:49

Email is the way to go. Short, factual, and, above all, neutral. Emphasize that, tho you heard it from xxx, it may be rumour. You will say no more about it unless he chooses to ask, but you felt he would want to know what is being said.

Email gives him chance to take in the information slowly, to think about it. Phone means he has to react immediately to you and to the information. Not the best way.

SoThatHappened · 12/02/2016 08:49

Email her. .....I've heard from your friend what you've done.

If you don't tell my brother, I will?

Why are you living in your brothers head space? His relationships his jobs, financing him.....

SoThatHappened · 12/02/2016 09:19

Also id get a name from the person who knows.

Original poster
LHReturns · 12/02/2016 12:28

I cannot thank you all enough for the smart and thoughtful advice you have all given me. Not one post has been trite or useless.

I'm am pretty sure I am going to tell him and use ClashCity's angle. This feels best to me.

I don't really think I am 'in my brother's headspace'. I love and miss him, and since he moved to the US 5 years ago I feel he has kind of fxxked things up quite a lot and his life has got off track just for love. Isn't it normal for family members too look after each other?

My fiancé and I have good careers and make good money - money really isn't an issue here and he and I look after many of our respective family members to make things easier for them. We expect nothing in return and certainly don't think it means we have some kind of weird control over them.

I often get the sense my brother will struggle with his pride to publicly conclude that the US hasn't worked out - I am keen to be as supportive and kind as possible to minimise this potential discomfort.

I do however have a problem with paying for her to bring her sorry ass to London for my wedding in Spring....

Thanks so much again.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 12/02/2016 12:43

I don't really think I am 'in my brother's headspace'. I love and miss him, and since he moved to the US 5 years ago I feel he has kind of fxxked things up quite a lot and his life has got off track just for love. Isn't it normal for family members too look after each other?

Oh of course. It is lovely to see that you care for your brother so.

But I dont see that is reciprocal. You pay him to come home, flights, etc. Jesus. What effort does he make with you? He chose to follow a bimbo and leave his family behind. Just seems a little one sided.

Original poster
LHReturns · 12/02/2016 12:47

Hmm, I think you are right. I think there is a lot of embarrassment on his side in the equation. As mentioned earlier I am NC with my father so I perhaps put up with more selfishness from the one other male in my immediate family. I have become more sentimental as I have got older and since I became a mother!

OP posts:
CityMole · 12/02/2016 14:53

Can we stop referring to this woman as a Bimbo please? It's misogynistic language and while she might be a faithless gold-digging female who trades off her sexuality, it's horribly Donald Trump to stoop to using that demeaning word.

OP, I'm glad you've chosen to tell him. Just try to be brutally factual and non judgmental. Build him a golden bridge to retreat across- if he really is, deep down, regretting the move, this might be the impetus he needs to come home for a fresh start. Do whatever you can to help him keep his dignity- it sounds like his pride might be key to how this all pans out. I hope it goes well, will you come back and let us know please? (I am awfully nosy.) Smile

SoThatHappened · 12/02/2016 14:59

I meant to put it in inverted commas meaning I meant it ironically.

I disapprove of the term too.

Original poster
LHReturns · 12/02/2016 15:05

Of course I will come back and update you!

The bimbo thing is totally my fault - I used it first. I accept it was not a good word to use.

OP posts:
CityMole · 12/02/2016 15:10

"Bimbo" is obviously fine Grin It's a sore point for me, being a small blonde woman who works in a male environment, so I rail against it pretty hard!

mathanxiety · 14/02/2016 05:16

You can't be factual until you have actual facts.

monkeymamma · 14/02/2016 06:21

If your brother moved to the us 5 years ago was his gf 17 when they got together? Or have I got this wrong...

CityMole · 14/02/2016 11:29

math, you're misunderstanding. I means she must stick to the facts as she knows them, i.e. relay the fact that she bumped into this person who said X, y and z. No embellishment or drawing of conclusions, discussion of motives or guessing as to why. Just the facts as she knows them - my exact point is that she does NOT say "your partner is probably having an affair". Pretty simple, just say what the mutual friend said and let the brother do what he wants with that info.

QueenCarpetJewels · 15/02/2016 00:32

monkeymamma

From the OP:
"Back when announced the planned move to the US I made it very clear that I felt he was making a rash decision and that he didn't know her that well, she is very young etc etc. At the time she was 22 and he was 32."

Swipe left for the next trending thread