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Original poster

If and how I should tell my brother...

177 replies

LHReturns · 08/02/2016 21:30

Here are the headlines:

My brother and I were always incredibly close. In our 20s he was married to a lovely girl and the three of us spent lots of time together (or four is us when I had a boyfriend).

About 5 years ago my brother and his wife split up which was very sad for everyone as she was very much part of our family. Fairly soon after he met a new girl - who was very young, vacuous, girly and silly. But she clearly gave my brother lots of things he hadn't had before - namely a great sex life and the chance to be frivolous and young again. So far absolutely fine.

He became totally infatuated with her so, after about a year of dating, when she announced she wanted to move to the USA, he quit his job, and went with her (he bought a business out there so they could both get work Visas etc). He paid all their expenses to move there, and has worked his butt off to try to build his business and keep them afloat. She doesn't make any money as she is a struggling entertainer, so things are tough for them. I have tried to help e.g I have loaned him money and paid for his travel home on a few occasions.

Back when announced the planned move to the US I made it very clear that I felt he was making a rash decision and that he didn't know her that well, she is very young etc etc. At the time she was 22 and he was 32. I probably was quite direct about my feelings (partly because she is a completely ridiculous Instagram-Reality-TV-obsessed bimbo, partly because he had a brilliant career here, but mainly because I was distraught that my brother was leaving the UK). He didn't like this feedback and understandably accused me of hating his new GF, and wanting to ruin his fun, and that I showed no respect for his decisions. Basically told me to FXXK OFF.

I accepted all that, we have grown to be close again now, and I have worked hard since he has lived out there to support him in any way possible. I have been to visit them three times, and paid for him and his GF to fly home to see us all over Christmas. I always include her in any plans.

As a couple they seem fairly happy. But my brother always has a slight defensiveness with me about her since the early falling out.

Over Christmas, by pure chance, I met someone that also knew her - and heard that categorically she is having an affair. She spoke openly about it to someone that she doesn't know that I know. It has been going on about 4 months back where she and my brother live in the US.

This is getting boring so I will stop. I have sat on this knowledge since Christmas as I don't know how to tell my brother without seriously damaging our relationship again. They have just moved into a new apartment with a year long contract,and he and I are very close again, and he (with her) is coming to my wedding later this year - again, at my cost.

I know she is cheating on him. Maybe he suspects, maybe he doesn't - I have no clue. Their relationship is much bumpier than it was when they first met. But I fear that if I tell him it is likely he will accuse me of always hating her, and we will back to where we were a few years back.

I guess I must tell him (and fast as 5 weeks have already passed since I found out). But HOW do I tell him in a way that makes him feel the least judged?

Any constructive ideas seriously welcome!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 09/02/2016 08:20

Do you have a gossipy mum or sister you could pass the buck to? I could never tell my brother something like this (come to think of it, his ex was up to all sorts but I didn't say anything) but my mum would. And has.

HolaWeenie · 09/02/2016 08:30

Your bro told you for F off once before and you're back close again, sounds like you have good foundations. So the price for getting this off your chest is your bro telling you to F off again, and then you guys working through things and getting close again.

The tricky thing is, if you tell him, you're running quite a big risk that he won't come to your wedding.

shoesSHOES · 09/02/2016 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

luciole15 · 09/02/2016 08:37

Use the cash you normally spend on their flights etc and hire a private DI and get some conclusive proof. Then decide what to do.

Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 09:01

This women is definitely one that would not shit a brick! Spot on! She would look confused and vague for a while, and then if pressed she would have an enormous emotional explosion, crying, screaming, 'it's lies!!! It's lies, she always hated me!!!!' (she is not a Brit, but from Middle East). She would create such a scene and chaos that my introverted, embarrassed brother would sweep it under carpet - meaning.....sister would have to become the big villain.

Ho hum...

OP posts:
shoesSHOES · 09/02/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 09/02/2016 09:32

I'd go with something like

'look, I'm not saying I believe this, and I've struggled with whether to say anything to you or not, but I thought that I wouldn't be a good sister if I didn't at least mention it to you.

I saw XYZ at Christmas, who knows your girlfriend and, whilst not knowing I was your sister told me that your partner had confided in her that she was having an affair (if this is what happened).

My first thought was to dismiss it as a bit of gossip or hearsay however on reflection, if somebody was talking about my partner like that, I think I would want to know and this is why I am telling you - not because I wish to be malicious or cause you or your partner hurt, but because I care about you and don't like the idea of people gossiping about your relationship behind your back.'

But I think you've got to tell him. What if she never gets caught? Would you be willing to stand by and let your brother get more and more involved - finances, kids, marriage all the while having strong suspicions about her fidelity?

Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 09:34

Shoes precisely...somehow the truth will be lost (or DB won't care about the truth) just to stop the screaming frenzy. And because that will be the easier road to take (a fairly male approach I have noticed on MN!).

OP posts:
Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 09:35

ClashCity, I like that.

OP posts:
LookAtMeGo · 09/02/2016 10:17

Be careful OP. People here are advising you based on your side of the story that you've presented here. Your emotions will be colouring the way you perceive things. You clearly really don't like this girl and you're clearly extremely close to your brother. I mean, knowing he's got a great sex life with this girl sounds weird to me. I can't imagine discussing that with my brother.

Dammyjoder · 09/02/2016 10:32

I told my brothers DP that he was cheating on her and had been for years with different women- she didnt believe me and he made up some bullshit story that she believed, he actually has one of the other womens names tattooed on him Hmm, we havent spoke for 2 years and im not particularly bothered as hes a massive prick!
Some people dont want to believe the truth even if theres evidence, let him find out for himself.

Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 10:33

Is it that weird? When my friends and family enter new relationships we tend to discuss the quality of the sex (early on). Didn't know that was weird.

But I do accept my presentation may well be coloured. It is hard to like someone who I believe is taking my lovely brother for an enormous ride.

OP posts:
SymphonyofShadows · 09/02/2016 12:14

I agree with Cabrinha too. He may not like it, he may not talk to you for a while, but he'll be back. Probably as soon as he needs another financial bailout.

MissyMaker · 09/02/2016 12:25

Everyone's different I know, but the thought of ever discussing one another's sex life with my brother horrifies me - we're close but not that close!! With friends I might say something, but never with family (but I accept that could be me being weird).

What ever you do decide to do, needs to be done for the right reasons. This is about your brother's relationship with his partner, and the fact that she may have cheated on him (you don't have any concrete proof, just gossip). He has made his choices - and it does sound like sometimes they have been dodgy - but they are his choices to make. I do think that you should back off a little and stop trying to engineer his life to suit you.

Yseulte · 09/02/2016 12:28

I'd say something like this:

You're my brother, I love you, I don't want to go back to the way our relationship was, but I've sat on this info for a while and I can't in all integrity do so any longer.

So I have to tell what I was told... XYZ... Obviously I've no way of knowing whether it's true or not, but this person was told directly by your gf.

This info is for you to do what you want with, we never need speak of it, in fact I'd be relieved if we don't discuss it.

Yseulte · 09/02/2016 12:35

I don't see why he would confront his gf purely on the basis of your words OP. If he's likely to do so I'd suggest he looks around for other evidence first.

Presumably he could talk to the woman who you heard it from. And he can check her phone, email whatever.

This really doesn't have to be about you v her.

Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 12:38

I am so happy to back off, really I am. If that is what's best for him.

He lives on another continent, I am not over involved in his life. I have seen him 5 times in 5 years. All his decisions have been his and he is indeed a grown man who made his bed. But that doesn't mean he should be cheated on.

My only question here really is whether I should tell him what I know given the back story. Sadly it doesn't seem there is one right answer.

I do care about him, and would want him to tell me in the reverse situation. But he may not want to know and I don't want to lose him because I got it wrong.

OP posts:
Mag314 · 09/02/2016 12:39

I think MorrisZapp has the solution. Tell the gossipiest member of your family!!!

I think if YOU are the one to tell him, it could take another couple of years to get back to being close.

Original poster
LHReturns · 09/02/2016 12:40

Good point Yseulte - that would be much better. He finds his own evidence and deals with it independently. Maybe that is how I approach it using your words above.

OP posts:
Yseulte · 09/02/2016 12:42

Of course you just tell him, if it were my sister I'd already have told her, and I have a similar backstory of disliking her partner.

The info is then for him to do what he wants with.

If he ever finds out that you knew and didn't tell him, that could fuck your relationship for good.

LionsLedge · 09/02/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsieMc · 09/02/2016 13:33

You are in a no win situation here. Some time ago I received a roasting on here for not telling a friend I suspected her then BF of cheating. She found out herself and he asked if I had told her hence her knowing I had let her down. She did not speak to me again, got back with him and other posters said it served me right.

Your loyalty is of course to your DB, but as he is already sensitive about your attitude toward her you are not certain of his reaction and your instincts seemed right from the outset. You only have hearsay evidence but I think he will find out and that is when he will really need your support.

I don't know how you can pay for her flight knowing this though op.

Yseulte · 09/02/2016 14:11

*must not just tell him ^

Cleensheetsandbedding · 09/02/2016 14:23

There is always going to be an unhappy ending here.

If this was my db I'd tell him. I wouldn't put my need to carry on seeing him before the need he actually needs to know what you have heard.

I'd keep it factual.

'BD , xxx told me that sil was seeing some one else, she said X,y,z about specifics. I don't know what to think about it but I just want you to know what's being said over here. I love you. Call me if you need me"

He may possibly already have an idea she is doing this.

Yseulte · 09/02/2016 14:50

That's rather a negative way of looking at it, a happy ending would be that he gets shot of this woman and finds someone who really values him.