If and how I should tell my brother...

[LHReturns]

Here are the headlines:

My brother and I were always incredibly close. In our 20s he was married to a lovely girl and the three of us spent lots of time together (or four is us when I had a boyfriend).

About 5 years ago my brother and his wife split up which was very sad for everyone as she was very much part of our family. Fairly soon after he met a new girl - who was very young, vacuous, girly and silly. But she clearly gave my brother lots of things he hadn't had before - namely a great sex life and the chance to be frivolous and young again. So far absolutely fine.

He became totally infatuated with her so, after about a year of dating, when she announced she wanted to move to the USA, he quit his job, and went with her (he bought a business out there so they could both get work Visas etc). He paid all their expenses to move there, and has worked his butt off to try to build his business and keep them afloat. She doesn't make any money as she is a struggling entertainer, so things are tough for them. I have tried to help e.g I have loaned him money and paid for his travel home on a few occasions.

Back when announced the planned move to the US I made it very clear that I felt he was making a rash decision and that he didn't know her that well, she is very young etc etc. At the time she was 22 and he was 32. I probably was quite direct about my feelings (partly because she is a completely ridiculous Instagram-Reality-TV-obsessed bimbo, partly because he had a brilliant career here, but mainly because I was distraught that my brother was leaving the UK). He didn't like this feedback and understandably accused me of hating his new GF, and wanting to ruin his fun, and that I showed no respect for his decisions. Basically told me to FXXK OFF.

I accepted all that, we have grown to be close again now, and I have worked hard since he has lived out there to support him in any way possible. I have been to visit them three times, and paid for him and his GF to fly home to see us all over Christmas. I always include her in any plans.

As a couple they seem fairly happy. But my brother always has a slight defensiveness with me about her since the early falling out.

Over Christmas, by pure chance, I met someone that also knew her - and heard that categorically she is having an affair. She spoke openly about it to someone that she doesn't know that I know. It has been going on about 4 months back where she and my brother live in the US.

This is getting boring so I will stop. I have sat on this knowledge since Christmas as I don't know how to tell my brother without seriously damaging our relationship again. They have just moved into a new apartment with a year long contract,and he and I are very close again, and he (with her) is coming to my wedding later this year - again, at my cost.

I know she is cheating on him. Maybe he suspects, maybe he doesn't - I have no clue. Their relationship is much bumpier than it was when they first met. But I fear that if I tell him it is likely he will accuse me of always hating her, and we will back to where we were a few years back.

I guess I must tell him (and fast as 5 weeks have already passed since I found out). But HOW do I tell him in a way that makes him feel the least judged?

Any constructive ideas seriously welcome!

Haven't rtft but if this was my brother is have to tell him. At least then he'd be able to check things out for himself.

I think a roasting's likely whatever you do or don't do, Elsie - sadly. This issue splits people right down the middle. My experience is that those who've been cheated on say "Tell!" And tell it exactly as you have it, no elaborations or opinions.

In hindsight, I can see that mutual friends did try to tell me, but they beat around the bush and hinted instead of sharing straight facts. When I finally found out for myself, realising that 'everyone' knew - and had kept it from me - was about as hard to bear as the original deception. I felt the whole world had taken me for a fool. It also complicates the post-split friendships, which are complicated enough.

I also agree that you're wedged inbetween a rock and a hard place and likely to catch some flack. Your brother's not going to want to believe negative things about a woman he says he loves and due to the history, he's probably not going to accept you're telling him from a caring stance.

I think on balance though I would broach the subject and try to keep it low key as possible. As has been suggested, tell him that something was said to you directly, by a person who had no idea who you are. You've kept it to yourself because you can quite see how it might affect your relationship but in all conscience, it's weighing heavily and so you think you need to clear the air so that he can speak to his DP and sort things out.

The spin of someone's spreading gossip about her is your best bet I think, no confirmation or judgement from you about the content of that gossip. Try to make it sound as neutral as you can if you take that option.

I would tell him.

I would email. Something like:

Dear DB.

I have thought long and hard about sending you this email.

Three weeks ago I met X. She started to talk about someone she knew and it transpired that she was talking about Bimbo Bitch (etc etc, give all the details as you heard them from X).

DB i have nothing to gain from making this up. Any more than X had. Remember at the time we had no idea we had BB in common.

What you do with this information is up to you. I will never bring it up again. If you wish to talk to me about it that is of course your choice.

I almost didn't send this but had to put myself in your place; ultimately if you had heard similar about my DH I would want to know and would be hurt if I later found out you knew.

Etc etc.

Thing is she might not go off with the OM. She might move onto someone else and make a total mug of your brother for bloody YEARS 🙁

In your shoes I'd call up the GF and tell her that you know and she has a week to tell your brother herself.

The news is out now, so it's only a matter of time before he finds out.

If you force to GF's hand then you don't get shot as the messenger, but equally if your brother asks "did you know?" you can be honest and say "yes, but I didn't want to to be the last to find out so I called GF and asked her to do the right thing".

I can't believe how many would sit back and day nothing to your siblings.

Op if I were you I would tell. Totally honest and to the point. X person said your gf is having an affair. I don't know if it is true but couldn't not say anything. I won't bring it up again and I won't discuss it with anyone else.

That gives the gf time to come up with an alternate story though. Plus a chance to weep about how you're bullying her and accusing her of things she is innocent of 🙄

That was to yellowtulips.

Yes it does - but my general experience is that once people start boasting about their affairs is that that they generally want them to be found out.

Even if she does make up a sob story the brother can still check up with the OP's contact.

On balance I'd still contact the GF and frame it by saying that knowing this information you a) will not keep DB in the dark b) be comfortable paying for her to attend your wedding in the circumstances.

But he may not want to know and I don't want to lose him because I got it wrong

This is a man who left his successful career and relocated to the USA because his gf wanted him to do so. From this we can at least deduce that he's besotted with her and, furthermore, the OP has told us that he goes without in order that she can swan around in the BMW that he has bought or leased for her.

A possible scenario resulting from the OP telling her db of his gf's infideltiy goes thus: the db confronts his gf who denies that she has done anything untoward, cue tears and reproaches along the lines of 'How can you not trust me, haven't I done everything to make our lives here happy? Of course I've seen x, he's got connections and has promised to help me become successful which is what I want for both of us because I want to make you proud of me, but I swear on your life that nothing has happend between us' and so forth accompanied by lots of sweet talk and eyelash batting and hot sex.

If the gf doesn't feel the db has completely reverted to being putty in her hands, she'll up the ante and it will become 'What evil person told you these lies?' Dsis? That twisted bitch hates me and you know it. She'll stop at nothing to tear us apart', cue more tears accompanied by hissy fits and white hot raging and hot sex.

Or, if all else fails, gf morphs into remorseful penitent 'I'm so sorry, honey. I let you down. I let myself down. But it was only once and I hated every minute/couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't what came over me but he may have spiked my drink. You know you're the only man I love and I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you', cue more tears and hot make up sex as db does the pick me dance

Short of bursting in on the act with camera at the ready, it's hard to prove sexual infidelity and all the OP has is hearsay based on an alleged conversation the gf had with someone who knows both of them. If the shit hits the fan I wouldn't put it past the gf to spin some fantastical tale of setting the third party up to see how long it would take her to tell the OP, and how long it would take the OP to tell her db.

The fact is if her db is as enamoured of his gf as the OP appears to believe he'll have the equivalent of a ring through his dick nose and it will be frighteningly easy for her to become the villain of the piece, which may result in db & gf not attending her wedding, or attending and engaging in an unseemly brawl casting a pall over the proceedings.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, OP, but it still seems to me the fires of hell are burning less brightly on the side of keeping schtum.

My brother and I fell out years ago and were NC for a bit. It has been all sorted now and we're close, have been for years. He's said, and I feel the same way, we'll not fall out again. Too much to lose (now have wonderful DSIL and DNs and vice versa, all best of friends).

Tell your DB exactly what was said by his GF's acquaintance and leave it at that. Tell him also you've been really struggling the last 5 weeks over how to tell him.

Goddess, I know this isn't funny but I am here giggling. I think you must know her!!!

I think you have to tell him what you have been told but just stay completely impartial. I have heard this off x and I thought I should tell you, I have no reason to believe it's true/untrue, it's up to you to decide
Sort of thing.
And then step back and don't become involved
If he decides it's untrue/stays with her, you'll have to suck it up

There are lots f couples like goodness describes :(

I would always want to know if someone was cheating on me.

Maybe tell him the way you found out.

So you could say

' I was having lunch with my friend ...., you know the one who does that funny job. And she started gossiping about a friend of hers. She told me that this friend
Did this

Was doing that

Said that

Said this

And it was at this point I started to get suspicious. So I asked her this question, then that and then this.

I don't know if it is true, but a lot of people here have been told this. And i would want you to tell me if you knew something like this. To be betrayed like that by both bf and you would be horrible.

Add a little about how your friend had no reason to lie, is a trustworthy person, how you both didn't k ow you knew the same person and that you hope it isn't true.

I don't think there's any point constructing long fantasy versions of what might happen, even if amusing.

For all we know he may already may suspect something's up.

The ethics of the question depend on the OP's intent not the outcome. If she gives DB info in good faith and he chooses not to check up on it or turn on her that's up to him.

A decent person doesn't put their own relationship with a sibling ahead of sibling's wellbeing.

Ok, while there is no consensus you have all been utterly fantastic. Sincere thanks.

While you don't all agree on whether I should tell my DB, there does seem to be a common view on the WAY I should tell him if I decide to. This has been the most helpful for me. It must be fast, direct, neutral, factual, opinion-free, judgement- free, expectation- free, with no assumptions about what he might do with the info, and no interest in where he takes it from there. Just leave it with him, offer love and support regardless of what he does next. And then don't mention it ever again.

Given I have not seen him since the day I learned this info (same day that he and GF flew back to the US), 5 weeks ago - would you share this information:

A. By phone?
B. By Skype?
C. By email?

My instinct is phone. Personal but giving him privacy to digest my words.

Any thoughts?

I'd do it by email - less direct, less personal, and it doesn't put him on the spot.

He can take time to think it over, and he doesn't have to talk about it to you if he doesn't want to.

how do you usually communicate with him?

I'd be tempted to email personally so I get the wording how I want it, but I am a 'blurter'nand would probably end up making polite conversation for the first two minutes before saying 'bro, I think your girlfriend is shagging about'. And it would come out all wrong. But that's maybe just me.

Having said that, the risk with email is it gets intercepted. So maybe phone would be better.

I'd discount Skype because it's a bit too face to face. I have visions of the girlfriend being summoned to answer the charges and a huge whole row exploding in front of you.

We usually communicate by email. Email wasn't my first instinct for this so the message won't sit there burning a hole in his screen. I thought perhaps phone because once it is said, it is done - he can feel he controls the information and I have no record of it.

He works totally alone in his private office, so I would do it during the day when she is nowhere about.

I don't think I could send an email. The thought of him going about his day and that suddenly landing in his Inbox makes me feel so sad for him. Like he would be all alone with the information. Maybe he would prefer that though.

If you decide to tell him then personally I would choose a phone call.
There's no written record then of what you've said and you can preface it with the nuances of tone that you can't convey in writing.

You also get an immediate reaction and so can respond and emphasize that you are neutral, not expecting anything of the conversation and simply felt that having been made a party to something outside of your control, you really needed to unburden seeing as it's something that seems to be gossiped about across two continents.

You can make some one line notes of the main points you need to get across to help organize your thoughts.

My comment is coloured by the fact that I particularly dislike imparting or receiving sensitive news in writing.