XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

[SheerWill]

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

greenwood the reality is that the OP can't change her ex.

It's not unreasonable of her to ask for her DS to be dropped off as agreed, but if her ex doesn't then she has the choice of how to act.

The term 'we are where we are' is very pertinent here. In hindsight, I'm sure the OP wouldn't have had a child with a man she now describes as narcissistic from the moment they met.
But she has - and the child, and the father, have rights and responsibilities that she has to honour. How she chooses to do that will significantly change the quality of the DCs life.

Harrassed was saying it last night.

Under, I'm pretty sure she just passed comment on how early it was the same as a few other posters and that a little bit of flexibility was not unreasonable.

To add another perspective, I know that he broke your trust on the matter but hopefully you can work something out in which your XH can take care of your son more often?

You are pregnant after all, if he can help by taking care of your soon more often, maybe it would take some pressure off you? If he's serious and can actually take care of your son properly, may be worth talking to him about?

Don't accept any of these power grabs though, as you want this arrangement to be built on mutual trust.

I agree with UnderTheGreenwoodTree

I too think it's inevitable they'll end up in court. He's controlling and the child's behaviour is noticeably worse after contact so the child is affected.

You can't reason with the unreasonable so court will aid the OP when it gets to that stage.

I agree with those who suggest emailing to detail him breaking the agreement he pushed for (including the child being inappropriately prepared for school and her need to step in with uniform) is in order and stating (and meaning) that any further breeches of the agreement he pushed for will result in court action. I don't think it's right to go to court now before that ultimatum though.

I would guess we all know that abusive NRP's often use contact and the courts to further their abuse it's something that is quite widely known and has been in the media a fair bit of late.

One of the reasons it is such an effective method and it works so well is often because people experancing it get into a cycle of behaviour where they respond in certain ways and often enter into a control battle.

The unfortunate result of this is nobody sees the parent who is not meeting a childs needs not meet them and the victim of the behaviour ends up presenting in a certain way that is not conducive towards the behaviour being stopped.

Example

Child dropped at school by NRP with no uniform and no lunch

RP facilitates the arrival of uniform and lunch

Result child at school with uniform and lunch this in essence means nothing newsworthy occured.

RP does not facilitate uniform and lunch

School have to raise a concern about lack of lunch and uniform a uniform is cobbled together in school and a meal is provided.

Result child at school with uniform and lunch BUT something has occured and has been documented meaning RP has something newsworthy.

RP at some stage in the future ends up in a court.

RP's case he's often late back
NRP's case she's putting obstacles in my way and being controlling over time.

Now thinking about it logically from the perspective of someone who listens to two side of a story when one side is placing much emphasis on 5pm and half an hours or an hour here and there with one no harm done next day return (if no concerns raised)
With the other who most likely is charming and has no reported incidents against him and the law says he has just as much right as the RP to decide on everything child related.

There is also the end goal result to consider, if he's doing stuff like this to bug the op and the op is not phased by it then it will be pointless.

We've been through this, and I've seen it from both sides. The end result isn't that the school log it as a concern against the NRP, because the NRP will also put his point of view across.

The end result is that the school realise they've got a very awkward situation where neither parent will budge, and (as happened in our case over time) the child ends up under the Educational Psychologist with a myriad of issues.

The school will not automatically believe the Resident Parent's view of events; but the child will (and in my experience most definitely did) suffer as a result.

Fingers crossed the OP is able to sort this out with her ex.

Did DS get to school today?

Good afternoon everyone. I'm quickly posting in my planning time which is a bit naughty but wanted to update everyone.

Ds is in school. Xh dropped him off at breakfast club late, but he arrived and he was able to put on his uniform (which dp had dropped off earlier).

I spoke to the headteacher who was very understanding and said she'd pop in and check he was okay later.

I think I will suggest that XH takes him to school every Monday as some have suggested as this means he can't mess me around by bringing him back at different times, it gives him an extra evening at home with his daddy and it limits the amount of contact I have with him (which is always a good thing). It makes me cross that xh can't stick to an agreement that we reached in Mediation and that was his idea. He simply changes plans to whatever he feels suits him. For example, when ds was ill with bad asthma he took him to watch him in the Tough Mudder competition and I had to take ds to A&E the following day as he needed to be put on a nebuliser. This is despite me warning xh that ds was ill and probably needed to be kept warm in doors. He doesn't listen to anything I say so anyone accusing me of being controlling can be rest assured that he doesn't give a shit what I say anyway.

I can anticipate that he will continue to mess us around each time we are expecting ds back so if we remove that this can become the new normal and I wont have to worry about it again. It will be something else instead.

I have not and will not ever stop ds from seeing his dad or use him in that way. I have only ever encouraged xh to spend more time with ds and ring/skype him during the week and at the weekend when I have him. Xh didn't tell us about this break to Centre Parcs until Thursday and he picked him up Friday. I would have been more open to flexibility had he been more open about his plans. I also don't see why he couldn't have taken him during the half term when he has ds anyway.

Thanks for sticking with me. Much appreciated.

Sounds like you handled that really well OP! And definitely - minimising any contact where you become wound up by ExH has to be a good thing for both you and DS. and DS is none the wiser.

That's my experience too, chocolatemuppet. Schools very rarely want to get involved and certainly don't want to take sides, particularly when both parents are presenting what appears on the surface to be a reasonable position.

Very positive update OP. Sounds like your DS can really rely on you to keep things steady for him and that's so important. I hope ex accepts your new suggestion and that it works out for you all.

Well, I was wrong. I couldn't believe that the eejit would drop off his son without any uniform. Unless he knew in advance that it would be provided?

Anyway, it sounds as though you have made a decision about how to proceed, and good luck with it - he will probably move the goalposts again, but maybe it will be alright for a while.

Thank you for updating.

Sounds like you've handled that very well OP. I hope in future your ex is more reasonable and thoughtful of your son's needs.

Well played, OP.

I think you've reached a sensible decision. Hope things are smoother going forward.

Glad he got to school ok op and changing the drop off to school seams like a good way to reduce hand over contact and messing about.

As an aside choc I have a totally different experance with schools whilst yes I agree they don't take sides (or be seen to) they do keep a neutral record of things like this at least they are meant to and it is not hard to obtain the record and use it in combination with other things confirming which parent had child.

Ive got one at the moment the schools records have been very useful

Well done OP - sounds like a good plan, and shows Harrassed, at least, that you are not at all inflexible and controlling Hope it goes smoothly in the future. And get that passport back!

It seems to me that your ex is deliberately doing the opposite of what you say just to spite you and to make himself feel 'powerful' - plus totally selfish. Of course he knows that you would worry about your son being in school with no uniform and that you would make it ok. Also, let me guess, your son would never complain to his Dad about going to school with no uniform or complain he doesn't feel well?

You did the right thing by telling the school and it seems like the sensible option for him to have your son the Sunday night as well. You are not asking a lot, however, your ex will see it as you 'telling him what to do with his own son' and he will most likely continue messing you around because it an easy way to get to you.

Its not good for you getting so stressed during your pregnancy, try not to let him get to you - that is his agenda after all.

Wish you all the best, hope it settles down for you sooner than later.

Op do let us know if he agrees to the new arrangement. I suspect he won't as it will inconvenience him on Monday's and it takes away his opportunity to mess you around on Sunday's

Op it strikes me that if you're going to suggest you'd ex has your ds every Sunday nighy then on reflection, it wasnt actually something to get stressed about in the first place, as many posters said.

I hope you're suggesting that for altruistic reasons and not for a power play ie " if you want hm so much on a Sunday night you can have him every week"

Been here, neither parent is usually their best self in this situation its very emotive. Fwiw I don't think your ex was trying to control you or abuse you as some posters have suggested I think he just wanted extra time in CP with his boy.

Well done OP. I know the original situation you posted about has passed now, but I just wanted to sympathise with you quickly. I can understand why you would be fearsome - especially of someone who has been emotionally abusive towards you in the past. If it was me, my mind would go straight from 0 to 100 and I'd be panicking I'd never see him again, that's just how I am. You seem to have dealt with things well, I hope things move forward and changing the schedule a bit eliminates any future confrontation.

Not sure why your thread is attracting such daft/psychic posters OP but anyway, you handled things really well

What slowdecrease says pretty much sums it up for me. Under, really? How old are you? Im pretty sure whatever the Op does, its not to prove some point over the internet to a random stranger, but maybe for the benefit of her son!

Please read Kittybiscuit's posts and take them to heart.

You need a court order.

Emotional abusers do not change their spots.

Too many people here do not seem to understand this:
Iamdobby63 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:06:26
It seems to me that your ex is deliberately doing the opposite of what you say just to spite you and to make himself feel 'powerful' - plus totally selfish. Of course he knows that you would worry about your son being in school with no uniform and that you would make it ok. Also, let me guess, your son would never complain to his Dad about going to school with no uniform or complain he doesn't feel well?^

You did the right thing by telling the school and it seems like the sensible option for him to have your son the Sunday night as well. You are not asking a lot, however, your ex will see it as you 'telling him what to do with his own son' and he will most likely continue messing you around because it an easy way to get to you.

It is really important that your ex gets on the same page as you wrt DS's asthma, so please gird your loins and go to court.

As long as you are not worried about the asthma situation, then the Monday extension sounds like a plan. School can take notes about how DS is on Mondays when exH drops him off. They will certainly be interested in lateness, lack of clean uniform, lack of lunch money or suitable lunch, arriving so tired he falls asleep in class; as he gets older, arriving in school without weekend homework done, etc. When exH realises and reflects on the amount of toeing other people's lines he is going to have to do here he will probably decline to do it.