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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

226 replies

SheerWill · 07/02/2016 18:42

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/02/2016 22:33

This is a difficult situation, because legally he hasn't done anything wrong.

Do make notes. I agree with contacting the school with all relevant information. Keep everything matter of fact. You know that he is safe, which is the most important thing. School will also have a record of what's happened which might be useful in the future.

I don't think that you can withhold contact as retribution. It's not fair on DS and it looks bad - some of the advice on this thread is terrible. (Other posts are brilliant and spot on.)

Court order, yep. As soon as possible.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/02/2016 22:44

harrassed, why are you badgering the OP? She has already said she feels stressed. You don't agree she should be, which is completely irrelevant. We are all different. You should back off now.

harrasseddotcom · 07/02/2016 22:48

Im hardly badgering the OP! Ive asked her two different, perfectly reasonable questions. I didnt realise im only allowed to post if I agree 100% with the poster. My bad, i thought this was a discussion forum :D Are the forum police by any chance suburban?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 22:53

Harrassed - I agree with Suburban, back off and stop belittling the OP's (and other posters) own feelings.

harrasseddotcom · 07/02/2016 22:58

ooh i feel ganged up on now. if you dont like my posts then report them.

wannaBe · 07/02/2016 22:59

Some awful and Shock advice on this thread. Withhold contact/. Supervised contact in a contact centre only? People do realise that supervised contact is for children who are at a actual risk of harm, you know, physical abuse not the "harm" Hmm. From being an hour late or spending an extra night with his dad?

And I agree with iam the constant talk of "we have allowed/we decided that/we agreed...." Etc is very likely to get the xh's back up esp if the op is quibbling about things like being an hour late. Yes, the op's fiancé may support her in making the decisions she does. And he may consider himself a valued part of this child's life. Nothing wrong with that. but in terms of "allowing" the ex to do certain things with regard to his child, the fiancé shouldn't have any place in this discussion.

And wrt the child, he is not going to be damaged by spending an extra night at his dad's or even having a day off school or even turning up to school with no uniform. The only thing that is going to damage the child is the parents batting him back and forth between them like a play thing, quibbling over an hour here and a night there. Yes, it is incredibly difficult and frustrating that the ex won't return DS tonight. And yes, I agree that an arrangement needs to be formalised to ensure that this kind of thing doesn't happen again at the last minute. But to be upset over an hour and feeling that you need to "allow" him an extra hour is ridiculous and controlling in the extreme.

What parents need to remember is that children don't remain children. And that when this child grows up you need to ask what is he likely to remember? Will it be the fact that he got to spend an extra day at centre parks and got to miss a day of school? Or that his dad needed to fight for permission to be allowed an extra hour because of bedtime.

Pick your battles, and do it carefully, with the best interests of the child in mind.

kittybiscuits · 07/02/2016 23:24

I would ignore the goady twat on this thread OP. Your ex is a prick and I really feel for you. You know what to do.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/02/2016 23:31

I think your posts should stay so that others can read them harrassed.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/02/2016 23:37

People do realise that supervised contact is for children who are at a actual risk of harm, you know, physical abuse

Not true. There are many different reasons for supervised contact.

harrasseddotcom · 07/02/2016 23:45

oooooh well im sooo glad that ive now got your permission for allowing my previous posts to stay. i feels much better now.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 23:47

Have you been drinking, harrassed? Or just using a pregnant woman's thread as a personal fight club?

IguanaTail · 08/02/2016 00:02

Ex is an arse, but her 6 year old will have had a knackering weekend, not in his bed, strange routine and different food etc, plus a long journey ahead to get to school. There being no uniform for him to at least fit in with the others would be a lot for him to cope with. Nobody wants to enable a dick, but for the sake of a boy having a slightly easier day, I would definitely drop off the uniform.

harrasseddotcom · 08/02/2016 00:05

im just being deeply sarcastic to perceived thread police, dont think you have to be drunk to do that. Im just sorry my sarcasm was wasted on you and surburban.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/02/2016 00:18

I think harassed has got a point.

Yes the ex is a cock
Yes he has been badly behaved
Yes this is more than likely to be an extension of his emotional abuse

However the op has massively over reacted, encouraging this type of reaction and some of the advice she has been given is most likely to help him continue to do it and make it very hard for the op to get any support with preventing it.

Granted feelings are feelings and nobody can tell you they are wrong but there are a few occasions in life where if you express those feelings get encouraged to do so then in doing so you hand the very person causing the issue a giant stick to beat you with.

This is likely to be one of those times

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/02/2016 00:33

I don't think feelings are the issue here - the feelings are there, whether Harrassed likes it or not, and no doubt the ex-H knows exactly how to push those buttons. What's at issue though, is a broken agreement by an abusive ex.

It will be interesting to see if the DS does attend school tomorrow. I'm hoping that despite the sniping at her, the OP feels able to come back to this thread.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/02/2016 00:55

Sometimes it can be incredibly useful for someone to point out that you may be reacting badly or in a way that could be harmful to yourself.

Often that may appear to be harsh but harshness does not change how useful it is.

sleeponeday · 08/02/2016 01:17

OP, I wouldn't engage in any way, shape or form.

Don't smooth his path with the uniform. DS is only just 6, so in Yr1, and I am positive the school will have spares of the uniform for the littlest kids, and for the one day they will sort him out. They will also note that this was necessary and may ask why. So you explain and refer them back to him, and if he was stressed by the routine change, then point out that again it is his father who failed to comply with his expected evening. Let the consequences not be you in a rage and him satisfied that he's wound you up, but him fielding a call from the school about his own sub-par parenting.

Apart from anything else, you have years ahead of you of this fraught co-parenting, and the more you react, the harder on your child it is, sad to say. So I wouldn't allow him to make your life any harder than it absolutely has to be. Just disengage from his stupid games, and let him be the one to pick up the consequences.

sleeponeday · 08/02/2016 01:18

DS is only just 6, so in Yr1, and I am positive the school will have spares of the uniform for the littlest kids, and for the one day they will sort him out.

I mean, you don't send kids you work with home when they've wet themselves, or managed to tip paint down their shirts, you know?

JohnThomas69 · 08/02/2016 04:15

As the op stated her ex treats her son like the golden child so there's no concern regarding safety.
On that note I can quite understand harasseds point of view.
It sounds like there's a temptation to make more of these events by over dramatising there severity on the op and her exh part.
Pity the poor boy caught in the middle of it all.

Pipistrella · 08/02/2016 05:01

I hope you are OK this morning OP (and still asleep)

I hope your ds is alright and is returned to you shortly,

Come to think of it, taking a 6yo to center parcs for a weekend during term time seems like a bit of an odd idea, anyway.

I wonder if it might be best to suggest they keep that sort of trip for holidays or half term.

Especially now we know they don't check out till Monday (possibly)

Whatever happens, I honestly don't think any of this is your fault.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2016 05:26

I really would not bring the uniform. The school must surely understand that the child is not at fault for not having a uniform. He is 6. Take Inertia's advice.

I would communicate to the school that the occasions when your DS has been having problems there are those times when he has had a weekend with his father. If the school can offer any support about this such as a psychologist or a counsellor, then grab it.

If you haven't done it already, you should request a meeting with DS's teacher and the HT to discuss what is going on.

Wrt the passport, I would declare it lost now. Order a replacement yourself.

Go to Women's Aid and see if they can refer you to a solicitor.

Wrt the visitation -- I think you must go to court. Do not be afraid of a confrontation with exH. However, I would not withhold contact. I think that puts you on shaky ground, makes you look as if you are willing to stoop to exH's level and use your child as a pawn as he is doing.

If you can't get a solicitor via Woman's Aid you can do as VocationalGoat says: DIY. Draw up reasonable terms of contract and present them to him. Present the terms to family court in a motion you can lodge yourself. (Go to the court and approach the clerk to find out the forms you need to use or the sort of paperwork and necessary formal headings you can draw up yourself. Give exH notice that you are setting a date for a hearing and ask him what dates will not work for him, then choose a date. Ask the clerk how to go about this, or contact McKenzie Friends for technical support.)

Good luck. I hope DS was returned.

UsernameIncorrect · 08/02/2016 05:52

Mountain out of a molehill. Let the kid enjoy an extra day with his dad. Tel ex it's not cool to change plans at such a late stage.

And stop with the "we". It's very wrong.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 08/02/2016 05:55

Mathanxiety - people don't get to choose their court dates. An application gets issued and the other party must be given 14 days notice (unless it's for something very urgent like a non molestation order).

mathanxiety · 08/02/2016 06:01

Sometimes if someone can be alerted that a court date is looming their behaviour improves.

SuburbanRhonda · 08/02/2016 07:06

deeply sarcastic?

0/10

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