XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

[SheerWill]

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

Totally agree with username. This could become massive and hugely traumatic (and very expensive) for everyone - the little boy especially - or it could be nipped in the bud and sorted out with minimal impact.

He should have brought DS back as per the agreement. He didn't and that needs addressing.

The little boy needs his school uniform, not a situation escalating and made a million times worse.

When DD was younger, this happened to me several times. Ex was determined to be an "equal" parent and used to make decisions like this with no prior communication or discussion.

Like the OP, I used to get really upset and stressed - focusing on how it would damage DD, she'd be out of routine, upset, not have what she needed etc etc.

On a couple of occasions, I saw a solicitor - even filled in the court paperwork. But never filed it. Because DD loves her dad and he loves her, and I couldn't imagine having to explain, in years to come, to DD why I'd got a court order "because Dad didn't bring you back when we agreed he would". She was safe, happy and with a parent. I may not love him, or even agree with the way he parents, but i chose him to father a DD with and accept that I have to live with the consequence of that. He's an arse, but he's a damn sight better parent than many of the kids in my DDs class has.

OP I know it's upsetting, I know it's unjust - but, if you can, try and consider any action you take from the PoV of your DS when he's an adult. You've had some good advice regarding court orders here; they are restrictive, and adversarial. If you go down that route, your DS will undoubtedly ask at some point why it was put in place.

And, despite some upsets and dramas when she was younger, my DD has survived undamaged. She now flits between households freely - depending on what suits her. She has very different relationship with each of us, but her life is enriched by that.

Well that's one approach. You do need a solicitor ASAP because this dick has no respect for you, your son, or any agreements made with you about your son. And he appears to have a passport. I would not like to be on your new thread when he takes your son on 2 weeks holiday without your knowledge or agreement and these cool posters are still telling you not to get your knickers in a twist. One very important thing you can model to your son isgood boundaries.

The dad would be committing the criminal offence of child abduction if he did that, kitty.

Very good advice from chocolatemuppet and PrettyBrightFireflies. Court should be a last resort. It's a slippery slope and, as I said before, often ends up with worse outcomes for everybody. It is not worth going to court for a one off and this is a one off. The court will not take notice of him being returned one hour late on a Sunday evening. They will not see that 6pm is "too late".

What Hesterton said!

I would not like to be on your new thread when he takes your son on 2 weeks holiday without your knowledge or agreement

Surely better for the DS that the OP agrees to and accepts such a trip?
There is no suggestion of abduction or the ex being a flight risk - the OP may disagree with the parenting decisions her DS dad is making, but he's not at risk.

Boundaries are there for a purpose - enforcing them for her own purposes, rather then her DS wellbeing, may be difficult for her DS to understand as he gets older.

He has PR, a passport and there is no contact order Four. Does it become an offence if he takes the son out of the UK?

Technicaliy, yes - kitty - both parents have to agree to a DC being removed from the country.

In reality, the OP could report to the police, the police in the country the dad is in would do a welfare check and dad would be unlikely to face criminal prosecution on his return.

Kitty.

The same applies to a two week holiday with out consent.

The child is not in any danger,the child is with an equal parent,said parent has as much ability to do so as the other parent and face any potential sanctions.

You be realistisc and deal with it after the event using the facilities availible for you to do so.

A person who cannot make appropriate arrangements regarding a 6 year old, and stick to them, does not have the child's well-being at the forefront of their mind, as far as I'm concerned.

kitty there isn't only one right way to parent, fortunately.
Plenty of amazing parents are disorganised, spontaneous, and generally unreliable.
That doesn't make them crap parents who shouldn't raise their kids, though.

OP has he taken your little boy into school?I hope so and I agree with you,you do need to consult a solicitor your ex is trying to ascertain power over you in the one way that he feels he can by using your son as a pawn.

I had the same happen to me in the past and I've known a few familys it's happened to(I used to work with where this happened)sadly it's a lot more common than people realize especially if there was an abuse of power within the marriage by one of the parties it also happens quite a lot if only one of the couple was seeking the divorce.

"A person who cannot make appropriate arrangements regarding a 6 year old, and stick to them, does not have the child's well-being at the forefront of their mind, as far as I'm concerned." but the same could be said of a parent who puts in draconian rules such as a specified time and considering it to be some kind of greatness to "allow" an extra hour with the other (equal) parent.

Reality is that the vast majority of reactions To ex's treatment of these types of access rows are about the adults' own emotional reactions rather than the actual wellbeing of the child.

I'm talking about things like returning an hour late, or wanting an extra day here or there. There's another thread somewhere where a poster is demanding the other parent give her back a day of her time because the child will be doing something with them because her time with her child is precious.

This child is six. He is not going to be emotionally scarred from having an extra night at centre parks. And he is not going to be damaged by coming home an hour late. Bear in mind that flexibility works both ways, and that the child will not be a child for ever. As he grows up he will start to form his own opinions on what he wants, and what is right and wrong.

There are threads on the step parenting boards where eighteen year olds are still turning up for their "access" visits at set times during the weeks/weekends. These are children who have been brought up with the rigidity of set routines which no-one dare challenge. While it could be argued that that does create a level of consistency, it doesn't create a healthy environment for the child to grow up in where there is no room for flexibility.

I can also see it from the NRP.

If I was apart from my children all week I would want to spend as much time as possible.

I take it the father has overnight access and if so I would for a couple of weeks extend it to Monday tea time.

Ex needs to realise that getting him up for school and doing school runs are hard work with a tired, irritable child.

In this case, the NRP appears to have had no 'say' in the establishing the DCs routines - the OP has done that.

I don't know if the OPs ex wants to - my ex certainly did - but if the OP and her ex were still together as a couple, parenting in the same home, it's quite possible that the same differences in parenting style would arise.
There are plenty of households where one parent favours an early bedtime and settling period on school nights, whereas the other winds the DCs up, brings them in late and leaves homework/uniform etc until the last minute.
If the OP and her ex were still together, her DS may well be exposed to the same differences between his parents to which he'd adapt.

I'm also understanding of the nrp and echo wannabe's comment (also headmaster posts earlier).I've gone through this and seen both sides.
My ex was similar, never thought through plans so always agreed but changed his mind which was absolutely infuriating as I am a planner.

Realistically a weekend trip to CP was always going to be late back.In a good relationship the parents would discuss change of plans but when there is lack of trust on both sides communication is abbreviated and everything is heightened.

I completely agree that if he is regularly unable to bring back at 5pm (which is early) then make it an additional night so he does school drop off.That way the OP isn't stressed and he sees first hand how busy school mornings can be.

My daughter has positive memories of her parents negotiating.I accepted that I could not change her dad.Had I been able to we would have still been married!

However my older teen step daughter talks frequently at how awful home felt when she went back as her mum (& stepdad) always seemed to be angry.Dh actually went to court to get fixed times as he was previously having to negotiate each weekend pick up & return and his ex had zero regard for allowing sufficient time.It had to be on the dot, not 5 mins early or later.
Court awarded in dh's favour and the judge spoke very harshly to his ex and warned her she was not the gatekeeper to DSD and didn't have the veto on childcare issues.Concerns such as 'she will be tired for school' can't just be raised by 1 parent and accepted as fact.My son went to a sporting tournament last weekend which made him later than usual for school, should I have enforced his bedtime and not let him go?
The biggest impact on children ime is the animosity between parents especially at handover as they need to feel relaxed to return to the other parent.I really hope your son had a fabulous time and is happy and excited to tell you all about it.

Arrange court if you can't talk with your ex, its actually not a bad process and doesnt need solicitors as its pretty straightforward.I appreciate its daunting from the outside however. However be aware you are likely to need to be more flexible if there are no concerns about his parenting.

To those defending the father whom we are told had always been controlling and the OP believes is extending his his again...

If it's no big deal he is developing a pattern of late or non returns, it wouldn't be a big deal to him if the OP doesn't give notice and does the handovers a late and keeps the child with her for extra nights here and there.

You're all talking crap! It'd be a big deal to him as much as it is to her.

The motivations of either parent are irrelevant - it's the actions that affect the DC.

What the father has done will not inherently damage the DC.

Agree newname.

Nobody is 'defending the ex' - just trying to avoid a potential catastrophe for both parents and the child, which can be avoided.

There are no winners in lengthy court battles. The child will suffer some potentially irreparable damage. It doesn't have to be this way.

If the ex is abusive then the child shouldn't be with him.

If he isn't, then he's behaving badly by not communicating properly and returning the child late.

While this is wrong, it's not a disaster. The best approach here is to foster good relationships and flexibility. (He needs to do the same)

The child is the important one here. He doesn't needs his parents animosity. Regardless of who's fault it is.

Agree with Joysmum. This thread is mad. This man is emotionally abusive to the OP - not his son. He's the one using the child as a method of controlling and upsetting his ex and withholding his passport. He's the one who insisted they stuck to the agreement, and then didn't.

Since when is keeping a child an extra night beyond what was agreed, and dropping him to school on Mon morning (if indeed he has) without uniform, remotely ok?

Since the alternatives being suggested are "stop contact", "only use a contact centre", "take it to court". None of those are sensible, proportionate or in the child's best interests.

What the ex has done is not "okay" and I don't think anyone has suggested it is. All advice has been to sensibly hold a boundary. What people seem to be saying is that a dramatic response is not warranted and will likely result in worse outcomes for both parents and the child.

I think those saying this is a communication issue are totally missing the point.

You can be as reasonable as - I don't know, the ultimate reasonable person - and it won't make a jot of difference if the other party is emotionally abusive and controlling.

It can only go both ways if it goes both ways.