XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

[SheerWill]

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

The child is the important one here. He doesn't needs his parents animosity. Regardless of who's fault it is

So, the father behaves extremely unreasonably and what is the mother supposed to do - ignore it?

He's not only messing her about, he's messing his son about.

Again, nobody has said to ignore it.

She holds her boundaries, explains this in unacceptable and says she will seek a CAO if he continues to flout the agreement.

Bear in mind also we only have one side of the story here.

Exactly Four

minimise the drama, sort it out for the child, and don't escalate the situation. Definitely not 'okay' for ex to do this, but not the end of the world either.

The OP has had a child with a man who she describes is emotionally abusive. If that man is not abusing their DS, then the DC has the right to a relationship with his dad, and the father has a right to family life with his DS.

That is clearly set out in law.

So the OP has a choice whether to behave in a way that makes that as easy as possible for her DS, or to react to her ex's abuse, and create a situation which is even less beneficial for her DS.

I was in the same position. I was told I should "stop contact". I was told he "didn't deserve to be father".
But, he is DDs dad. And as I can't change him, all I can do is make it as easy as possible for her to have a safe relationship with him.

There have been times I've stood my ground, fought for what I believed was best for DD. And maybe the OP feels that this is one of those situations. But by asking for opinions here, it suggests that she's not sure. I used to do the same. And often, the advice of MN prevented me from escalating a situation which in no way harmed DD; even though the motive was to hurt me.

Say she says that to him (if this happens again, etc)

and then next time, he does it again.

Should she then withold contact, until a court order is in place?

Or would that look bad, too?

I mean this:

She holds her boundaries, explains this in unacceptable and says she will seek a CAO if he continues to flout the agreement

What if he flouts the agreement again? Bearing in mind he's already pushed it twice in a row and now this.

We actually don't know how bothered the child is, so the assertion that it's better for the child if the mother just shuts up and does as she's told may not be correct.

There's every chance that the child may have been missing his mum and looking forward to seeing her before he went back to school. He might be upset about going straight from CP to school without seeing his mum - we don't know what the ex has told him about the fact that he wasn't going back at the agreed time. If the father has kept the child at CP for an extra day, the child might be anxious about getting into trouble for being off, or about being asked to lie about why he's been absent. Equally, the child may not have cared or even noticed- but unless we know how he reacted to the situation we cannot assume that the unexpected change of plan didn't affect him.

I judge each case on its own merits.

Is DD being harmed by her Dads decision today?

If, over time, the OPs DS becomes distressed or upset by the last minute changes of plan, then maybe she will choose to address it.

But, just because dad always returns DC 1/2 an hour after the agreed time is not, on its own, a reason to seek a court order, imo - as the impact of the court action will be far greater than the lateness on the DC.

No, she should only withhold contact if the child is at risk of harm while with his father. She doesn't get to withhold contact because of a broken agreement that has no legal basis.

If it's broken again, I suggest she seeks legal advice and then applies for a CAO. Doing that will also mean a return to mediation first. Perhaps there is an underlying problem that can be resolved with a return to mediation rather than applying to court.

Actually, I think court ordered contact - a child arrangements order by the court will end up being inevitable. Not because the OP is being inflexible (remember - it was the father who ask for the agreement to be rigid in the first place) but because the father will continue to flout it, because he knows of the upset it will cause. Mediation hasn't worked if the agreement is flouted and the DS not returned as agreed.

Note, the OP says his behaviour has escalated since she became engaged. It will likely continue to escalate. Men who are abusive will often use the shared children as a way to further abuse their exes.

A CAO will only be put in place if one of the parents apply, AND the court believes it is in the DCs best interests. Not all applications result in orders being issued, and even if they eventually are, that is often only after other court intervention - such as parental attendance on the Separated parenting programme - has taken place.

Why would the father have written that paragraph about the mediation agreement if he wasn't having problems with the OP making last minute changes?
We only have half a story here and there are a few signs that it's not just the ex that could be described as controlling.

It's a tad hypocritical to have that paragraph in the mediation agreement, and then not stick to it himself.

The father is causing the child problems

Teachers have noticed that he behaves differently

Keeping the child after the agreed time in this case is not best for the child.

Transition anxiety is incredibly common and increasingly recognised.

Many DCs behave differently at school after a weekend at grandmas, or a trip to godparents. That doesn't mean it's something that should be avoided.

My husbands ex uses that line too, Piper. The teachers don't give the same account.
We don't have the full story.

All the OP is asking here is that the child is returned as agreed.

Yes, and nobody is saying that is an unreasonable request.

Agreed. There seems to be issues on both sides here, and as is often the case, the truth probably lies somewhere between the 2. It's not an easy situation - one I've been in myself, and I get the anger and frustration. But that will only escalate if contact is 'withdrawn' and contact centres involved. If it continues, then yes court ordered contact might be the way to proceed. But there are two parents here - the father is 50% of the parent, and they should have an equal say. If he's being disrespectful, then yes he should be pulled up. But equally, if the OP has all the 'control' in terms of rigid timings etc - maybe that needs addressing too.

Mediation of some sort would be the sensible thing. As has already been said, courts take a very dim view of parents who withhold contact for reason such as these.

Note, the OP says his behaviour has escalated since she became engaged. It will likely continue to escalate. Men who are abusive will often use the shared children as a way to further abuse their exes.

I agree, and it's likely to escalate further as her pregnancy continues. While taking Inertia's excellent advice, I would also start preparing to go down a more formal agreement route.

Despite never going down the route of a CAO - my ex and I mediated on many, many occasions. A DD got older, she was invited to be involved to.

Four - some people have been saying exactly that!

I don't suggest withholding contact as the op says he is a good father and adores his son.

I do see now why a court order is a bit drastic at this time.

It's why I suggested he does a few school runs, so he can see how difficult it is.

He may not even be using the child and thinking perhaps it's not as bad as op is saying.

Did the child get dropped off at school today, do we know?

Where, Under?