XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

[SheerWill]

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

I would contact school as soon as possible - can you leave an answerphone message, so that the school secretary picks it up first thing?

I would tell them that

1. Your child has not been returned by his father at the agreed time after contact but cannot contact police as the father has PR.
2. You have not given permission for your child to miss school due to holiday and any fines should be directed to the child's father.

3.Any issues with uniform should also be addressed by the child's father.

I would follow up points 1 and 2 in writing. I wouldn't take uniform in - if your ex has PR he has to start being a responsible parent. Your child will be fine in normal clothes for the day. If you pick up Ex's slack here, he will push it further next time.

Just to add -he knows you have to get sorted for your own job in the morning. I would think about contacting Ex to leave a written trail that Ds has not been returned at the agreed time/ day, and that if Ds is not returned to you by 6.30 am then ex will be responsible for getting him to school with correct equipment and uniform.

Let's not make it all about the OPs language regarding her ex's contact and her current partner.

It may be loosely relevant but even if she has managed somehow to piss him off, inadvertently, that wouldn't make his behaviour with her ds ok, would it?

The situation tonight is what is relevant now. The rest can wait.

Shit OP, I really feel for you. I too have a toxic XH who won't hesitate to do something to in some way 'get at' me even if it does involve the DC being impacted I am however infinitely more fortunate in that I have sole residency (although we both have PR) so if my XH behaved as yours as done right now then I could ring the Police and they would be obliged to locate my child and ensure his immediate return.

I think you are making a massive mistake taking the uniform in, an immense mistake; it is enabling behaviour of the highest order and positively invites XH to simply behave in an even worse fashion - as a PP said, one day without uniform will be a far smaller deal for your DS than the floodgates you open by de facto condoning his behaviour.

I would ring the school tomorrow to check that DS IS actually there and would follow that call up with an e-mail apologising for the fact DS is out of uniform and tired but your XH breached the contact agreement.

It is vital the school are aware these are the consequences of XH's overtly deliberate actions as when you go to court - and it is 'when' I'm afraid, not 'if' - CAFCASS will obtain a report from the school as that is a key part of their decision making process, ergo they need to be aware that DS being unfit for school via tiredness IS a direct consequence of the contact agreement breach.

I am another BTW who wonders if DS will even be in school tomm, and if in fact they are actually still at Center Parc - have you rung CP reception yet to see if they have checked out?

I understand your care for your DS, but please believe me in that you will not be helping him by bringing in that uniform tomm - the google earth view is patently that that will simply make his life more chaotic in the longer term as there is ZERO doubt that XH WILL escalate if he gets away with this.

Really feel for you, it's a bastard of a situation

Rhonda, sorry, I missed your post regarding the EWO

I've tried to explain that what I meant was she would have to field the calls, explain to the school, possibly also to the EWO if the absences became regular - even if it was only to explain why it wasn't her fault.

I didn't mean she would necessarily be in legal trouble.

Great post LadyStoic.

It doesn't matter now.

What's her attitude got to do with her ex's behaviour tonight? Are you trying to imply it's her fault he's fucked off with her son and broken the agreed terms?

I see what you mean about the EWO, pip.

Our EWO is very understanding and always sees her role as supportive (as do I) so any phone calls to the OP should be along the lines of what the EWO could do to help.

My attitude is that my xh and I have an agreement. He has broken that agreement twice in the last two visits. Once he brought ds back an hour late and now he hasn't brought him back at all.

I don't think nit-picking me over my use of we is very helpful. I don't own my ds, but I do want what is best for him and that is not having to get up super early after a busy, active weekend to travel over an hour to get to school from his dad's house.

Thank you to everyone else who has been supportive and has offered advice. It is much appreciated at this incredibly stressful and worrying time.

Not everyone stresses about the same things, so the fact that the OP feels stressed about her child when someone else might think it's a big fuss about nothing is irrelevant.

But if you know that, what's the point in telling her it's not that big a deal? Surely on top of feeling stressed, that's going to make her feel worse?

She may well come round to your way of thinking once her DS is back home and everything is back to normal, but right now, she is worried and upset. That's why she posted.

Even if you can't afford to go to court, maybe it would be effective to bluff that you're willing to do so? As in: once DS is safely returned you could inform ex that you consider him to be in serious breach of your agreement and if he does anything like it again then you will be straight to court to get legally-binding contact arrangements. It may be enough to scare him into backing down. It's a risky strategy though, as you'd need to be willing to follow through if ex called your bluff.

It is much appreciated at this incredibly stressful and worrying time. This comes across as making a mountain out of a molehole. Is this your usual attitude? I mean its not ideal that exdp hasnt taken ds back (most likely because they are enjoying themselves at CP) but jesus christ, you know that he is safe and not in any harm. The way you word it you'd think that your ds was in some sort of real danger. My concern is that your exdp for whatever reason couldn't ask you to be flexible and understanding with handover times (in exceptional circumstances such as going on holiday) so all of this could be avoided. Would it have been so detrimental for ds to stay over at his fathers house on the sunday night and his father taking him to school?

It could all have been avoided if he'd done the adult thing and simply discussed it beforehand, harrassed. From what the OP has posted, it's the exH who has written into the agreement the clause about not deviating from agreed times.

An hour late is nothing. Annoying but nothing.

Keeping him overnight equally annoying and frustrating but wait to see if ds comes back tomorrow fine.

Thats partly what im asking? From the way OP writes she comes across as being unflexible and rather controlling, and quite dramatic to boot. If she is so unhappy at ds getting dropped off one hour late occassionally its not unreasonably to think she'd outright decline an extra night. So whilst he is an idiot for doing it, maybe he has decided he'd rather enjoy the extra night with his ds and pay the price for it in the morning than asking beforehand and most likely being refused. OP, if your exp had asked to keep ds for the extra night (im assuming because they are at cp) would you have agreed?

I can totally see how when you are expecting your (just) 6yr-old back at 5, and then told you won't be getting him back at all that night - that is stressful. When he doesn't have his things for school in the morning too. I would be out of my mind.

Can we please remember that this is a pregnant woman, dealing with an emotionally abusive and controlling ex here - who has not returned the ds at the agreed time, or even on the agreed day.

I think some people are cutting the ex a bit too much slack here. An agreement was made through Mediation, it was agreed not to change this without both parties agreeing - and he's unilaterally changed it. And he's clearly withholding the passport, too - no doubt with a view that OP will have her hols mucked up too.

for you OP.

As the OP posted, harrassed, it was her exH who wrote in the clause about sticking to agreed times. So if anyone is "controlling" about times, it's him.

under, you would really go out of your mind if your dc, on the very rare occasion, went to school without their things? Really? And how is your dc staying the extra night at their fathers stressful? Please explain? I accept it would be annoying, possibly really annoying if you were of the mind that it wasn't for the benefit of your child (like an extra nights holiday) but rather to fuck you over.

Im not defending the ex, he is a fucking stupid idiot for doing what he has done, he should have asked first, its not an unreasonable ask. I can only go on how the op presents herself in her posts, and I dont think she comes across as anywhere near reasonable.