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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

226 replies

SheerWill · 07/02/2016 18:42

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:02

I would let school know the situation. Email the F. L.O. person (family liaison) and explain, so they are ready, and can support your ds through this too. That way they will know it's ex and not you if something goes wrong again.

Your poor ds.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 07/02/2016 19:03

Also who pays for breakfast club, as if Ds misses it due to ex he should pay for the miss session

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:04

As tempting as it would be to respond by showing him who is boss, withholding uniform or withholding unsupervised contact is simply not in the child's interests.

You can set and hold suitable boundaries without being heavy handed and this also sets you up for looking more than reasonable if the matter did need to be taken to court.

VocationalGoat · 07/02/2016 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:07

How can she enforce a suitable boundary if the guy is at center parcs with her son on a sunday night?

The only way she can do it is by not letting him take him again.

Have you any other solutions?

VocationalGoat · 07/02/2016 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SheerWill · 07/02/2016 19:09

What is the point in mediating with somebody who doesn't stick to the agreements made? We confirmed the arrangements made in Mediation via email in December. He wrote in his email:

'That any changes or variations to scheduled contact times are agreed by both of us, in advance, and that they are not cancelled or changed by any one party (it is not a valid excuse to say that something is booked and therefore it cannot be changed). We must agree the changes and if we can’t agree them then the time is not changed and the scheduled time takes precedence.'

I agreed and now he does this. He can't even stick to his own rules.

OP posts:
Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:12

But neither of them are legally bound. As I said, let it go this time - a court is unlikely to be interested in a one off.
Make it clear if this happens again, the Op will apply to court for a Child Arrangements Order that can be enforced.
So no, no "other suggestions" as this one is fine. Any overreaction will lead to both parents creating a horrible conflict situation. It isn't right. The ex is absolutely in the wrong. The Op still has a duty to minimise the impact of potential conflict on her DS.

VocationalGoat · 07/02/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 07/02/2016 19:14

The weekend CP booking is Fri - Mon. I too bet he is still there .

Original poster
SheerWill · 07/02/2016 19:14

He's supposed to be having him for half term as we're having him in May half term. We try to split it 50:50.

We're supposed to be taking him to France but xh took his old passport to order a new one. He's had it ages and says he's sent it off but I'm worried he won't let me have it. In which case I won't let him take ds to Portugal later in August.

He is very controlling. Always has been. He doesn't care about what's in ds best interests but only what suits him. He's not a bad father to ds but he is a total narc and was a bully when we were together.

My fiance is being very supportive and is just as eager as I am to make sure whatever we do is in ds best interests. We wouldn't withold contact as if it goes to court we want to be seen to be the bigger party. But I worry that this is now going to become the new arrangement, without us actually every discussing or agreeing to it.

I might just have to apply for a contact order and represent myself, although the ideas terrifies me,

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 19:15

Dont take the uniform. Your ex has made this decision, he can deal with it fully.
But yes if he is pushing you, which he clearlynis, time to step up the legal side of it.

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:17

So don't let it become the new arrangement. Remind him of his own words about agreeing changes together. Point out that you won't tolerate him unilaterally making changes.

With the passport, if he hasn't returned the passport 4 weeks before your booked holiday then you can apply for an emergency order to force him to hand the passport over. Neither of you will get anywhere attempting to block each others holidays.

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:18

The CHILD needs the uniform. Why are people suggesting something that will make the child feel upset, confused and different? This isn't a game.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 07/02/2016 19:18

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/mediation

Follow the link and fill the form and get it to court.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 19:18

Contact the passport service to find out about his passport. If it turns out your ex has it can you phone passport office say it has gone missing and get a new one? Theres been a similar fhread where the exh was witholding the passport and i think that was the advice. But youd have to check:

Towardsthesun · 07/02/2016 19:22

I think it's punishing the child to let him spend the day looking and feeling different from everyone else in the school. If you can take in uniform then do so.

Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:22

Four, your suggestion sounds helpful and I was only interested, genuinely, to see if you did have a solution. I didn't mean to sound snarky. But I couldn't see what you meant, before, by saying the OP should keep the boundaries without witholding contact.

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:22

Piper have you actually been to court yourself? Are you aware that outcomes for children and both parents are generally worse if matters go through court? Do you realise that Dad could put forward an argument to have Fri-Mon and get it?

This situation is crappy but as a one off it isn't worth taking to court.

Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:23

Regarding the uniform, I'm suggesting that she doesn't get involved in the game, Four. It's already a game, and the ex is expecting her to play ball.

If she doesn't then it is genuinely up to him to sort out uniform and so on.

If she turns up at school sorting out his failings then he will keep taking the piss, which in itself would be a very bad thing.

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 19:24

Pipistrella - no problem. Sorry for sounding snarky in response. Smile

Towardsthesun · 07/02/2016 19:24

If he is in center parcs I think it would be better if your child wasn't sent to school at all. Better than sending him in tired, out of his routine with no uniform or whatever else he might need. And you can't sort it as you're working.

Towardsthesun · 07/02/2016 19:24

Obviously only as a one off.

Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:25

Plus the child won't be at school minus uniform. I really doubt that will happen. I think the guy is bluffing and won't even take her son to school tomorrow.

And anyway, if he's such a shit hot parent then why can't he manage it himself? Why is it her role to sort this fuck up?

Pipistrella · 07/02/2016 19:26

No worries Four.