XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

[SheerWill]

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

Don't do anything .
You belive he is safe. So let school be asking dad where uniform is.
Let school record any behaviour or distress.
Leave msg for school saying dad has said will drop him at school.

Yes, I have been through all of this. Even taking away without permission to CP because contact had to be supervised by his parents and they didnt go! He is pushing boundaries all the time and he is not going to send your son to school tomorrow or not until later in the day.

If he helps himself to extra contact time which you have not agreed as the primary carer, then really it should be repaid on the next contact weekend ie ds should be made available on Saturday rather than Friday. I think you need to flex your muscles here or matters will only get worse. We have court ordered contact and if my gs has something on, we immediately offer extra time so matters are fair. Sometimes he doesnt take it up and that is up to him. However, as gs is unhappy at contact we usually ask him to take him to parties etc so it breaks up his weekend and it is more enjoyable.

He is abusing you and causing you stress and worry which will impact upon your son who will pick up on this.

Sorry, but would it not be better to collect Saturday instead and return to school on Monday morning so he could not unilaterally decide to change contact times on a Sunday evening? It would regulate return times if nothing else.

wild

Why baffled? It's a fairly mainstream approach. Having dad mess him about and utilise him in his silly games can potentially cause far more harm in the long run than not having a uniform on one day.

But not having the uniform on one day and dad having to deal with that can assist with preventing his piss arsing about in the future.

It also nips his ability to be controlling towards his ex in the bud

Why on earth did you let your ex have his passport to renew? When you know he is a bully and controlling?

He is lying. Passports have been coming back in under 2 weeks for the past few months, for everyone I know.

I think a court order would be beneficial.

Bringing back a child which will be difficult to settle and then not being able to cope with school the next day is damaging to the child's education and well being.

I tend not to question victims of abuse, if op has said he has been abusive then we should believe her and say yes he is using her child to still control her.

It always amazes me that so many posters advocate playing in to the ex's hands and punish the children by saying that contact should be stopped, reduced or supervised.

If you do any of that and the ex is of a mind to go to court it won't play out in your favour.

I gave him the passport to renew before we booked to go to visit my parents in France in May. His passport runs out in July and they have booked to go to Portugal in August, so as he needed it I suggested he renew it.

If it isn't in my hands by the end of March I will declare it lost or stolen and order a new one. My ds loved his grandparents and doesn't see them as often now they live abroad so I'm not going to risk not being able to go and see them in May.

My only concern is for ds. I want him to be up and ready for school and looking forward to a good day. I don't want him to be a pawn in his father's controlling mind games, but it doesnt seem like I will have much luck until I apply for this court order.

I think it is very hard for the OP to win in this situation, and by that I mean for her to do the right thing universally.

If her child misses school, she will be in trouble, not her ex. She's the resident carer and that means the buck stops with her.

This puts her in an invidious position.

He should not go back on his word but the child is six. So what if he has a 'bad day' at school. It is not his GCSE or a level year. Is your son having a good time at Centre Parks, doing a lot of activities? They have educational value, too.

OP, I notice there is a lot of 'we' I your comments, presumably referring to your fiancé. I imagine your ex may feel he is playing too large a role in his son's life. Does this have anything to do with his attitude?!

A court order does sound the most sensible thing where everybody will be comfortable with where they stand. However the 5pm routine will probably have to go. That is just way to early to start bed time for a 6 year old.

Yes, my DS's passport renewal came back in exactly one week, last Wed to be precise. There are no backlogs with passports at the moment. He's bullshitting you, and you need to get that sorted.

Personally, I would not be facilitating this man's behaviour in any way, and would not be dropping uniform off. I would wait to see what happened at school tomorrow, if he's actually taken in, and how he is at/after school. Depending on this, I would then consider applying for a court order. I would inform the school what happened, because they may well be able to support a court order if the DS either misses school, or turns up tired / without uniform.

However, I feel stressed on your behalf - he is clearly stressing you out, and quite deliberately too. Try not to worry, as long as your son is safe, try not to stress about the details

This sounds like a recipe for future disaster to me tbh. Assuming you think DS is safe and will turn up at school tomorrow, I think the big question is what next? How are you going to stop exh dropping him back at whatever time takes his fancy in the future, if indeed it takes his fancy to drop him off at all.

The problem is, imo, your exh might be a bit dippy...or he might absolutely be messing with DS in order to mess with you. Controlling exes are a pita, and are not good for DCs stability ime. And the more inches you allow them, the more miles they take (absolute generalisation, I know!)

In that vein, and I realise no-one else has said this, so presumably it's not the right approach, but I'd be saying tonight, 'no you will not bring DS back tomorrow. That is not the arrangement and he has no uniform with him. You will bring him back now.' no negotiation. presumably I'm missing something? I have, btw, been in the same boat wrt controlling ex (actually trying to become more controlling once he was an ex) messing with contact time, refusing to commit to holidays until the last minute so I couldn't book anything with DH, which actually meant poor DCs couldn't plan anything, etc etc

I would contact him and quote the agreement and state in writing that this was not a mutually agreed change in contact.

I would also put in a note a bout the changes of times. he signed it he needs to stick to it.

I would also ring the school tomorrow and ask whether ds is in school as ex did not return him last night from centre parks. write them a letter stating that you were expecting him to be returned and that you had not given permission to change the contact. cover your own back so to speak.

child is going to be tired when he is returned whether that is monday or tuesday in school. no point saying he is better not going in on monday.

I didn't say superior, I said resident.

The school might only have contact details for her. Therefore if that's the case she will be the one hearing from the EWO if this becomes a habit.

Of course she can explain that it wasn't her fault but she's got to deal with it, just like she's got to tell the school to call her ex (because they won't, initially - or possibly, at all)

again I might be missing something but I'm reading the 'we's as OP and EXH, as in 'we agreed' on an arrangement etc.

Though TBH even if that wasn't the case, I'd have to say that DH and I parent my DCs on a day to day basis, so yes, WE do make decisions! However, I guess my DCs are all much older and DH has been their Dstepdad for way longer than the OP's DS has even been alive, so it isn't quite the same.

just to point out if the OP is in England there is no requirement for the child to wear uniform at primary school.

It might not mean anything legally, if that's what you mean. But it certainly has a meaning in practical terms? ie herchild is with her most of the time and she is the person who gets contacted most of the time by other agencies.

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

Sorry Boney but there is a requirement wrt uniform.

I've looked into that in depth.

When I've said 'we' agree/agreed I'm talking about myself and xh. I have an agreement with my xh that he is choosing to ignore. My partner is there to support me but the agreement was in place before he was ever on the scene.

I work closely with our EWO and there would be no way the OP would be in trouble if it were the child's father who failed to bring him into school. That simply wouldn't be common sense.

My experience re passport:
Ex withheld DDs passport and despite emailed requests refused to return it.
Reported it lost to police (you have to do this to get a replacement). When they asked if I had searched properly for it, I explained where it was.
As a passport is owned by government he couldn't legally withhold it so local policeman went and got it for us. Lots of drama but at least I had it.

And 'we would not withhold contact' as if your fiancé has a say in a child's contact with his own father.