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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

226 replies

SheerWill · 07/02/2016 18:42

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

OP posts:
VocationalGoat · 07/02/2016 19:27

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RandomMess · 07/02/2016 19:28

I wouldn't contact your ex about the uniform. I wouldn't contact him at all.

Yes perhaps call into breakfast club, tell them the situation and leave the uniform there.

He is an utter C*NT behaving like this and I think because he is a bully and doesn't put DS first self representing at court may be the only resolution you get I'm afraid.

PinanNidan · 07/02/2016 19:30

Actually given the child's age unless you think your ds would have been particularly upset about being in his own clothes I am in disagreement about the uniform. If the op rocks up to the breakfast club with uniform for the child to change into then surely the exh will think he can pull this stunt every time?

I think she needs to make it clear to him that it is his job to sort uniform out for tomorrow.

PinanNidan · 07/02/2016 19:32

I would not contact the exh about uniform, I would not say anything at all about it nor would I tell exh I would drop the uniform off at breakfast club. I would probably take it for the start of the school day so my child was not upset but I would not want exh to think he was being bailed out.

3WiseWomen · 07/02/2016 19:32

Don't bring the uniform and don't go and rush to bring to the school wither when it will become clear that your ds doesn't have his uniform. It has to9 be your ex that is sortung the issue whatever it will mean (and it will NOT involve you bringing the inform to school, meeting him up somewhere to hand it over etc etc)

Please DO have a word with school and explain what is going on.

And btw, the child does NOT need a uniform anyway. Uniforms aren't compulsory and I'm pretty sure the schhol would be able to lent him a spare school jumper (we have lots at our school for tournaments etc...).

3WiseWomen · 07/02/2016 19:33

YY about not contacting your ex, ignoring him and letting him sort things out.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 07/02/2016 19:35

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kittybiscuits · 07/02/2016 19:36

Sorry - haven't read the thread but I wouldn't be dropping off uniform and endorsing his actions. I would be calling school and alerting them to the situation and asking them to check on your DS's well-being, is he tired, had breakfast, brushed his teeth etc. Plus all the legal stuff everyone else will have suggested x

Mistigri · 07/02/2016 19:41

Uniform is your ex's problem. DO NOT enable him by taking it up to school!

You do need to contact school in the morning though, in case your DS is not there in time (or at all). Follow this up in writing - you need to gradually put together a file of evidence.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/02/2016 19:41

four

I agree with you on the withholding contact aspect but the uniform I dont.

There is a very strong arguement for not facilitating silly choices like not bothering to make sure a child has everything they need for school before you refuse to return them in time for the other parent to do their job.

Making sure a child in your care on a school morning has everything they require for school is a normal parenting job, picking up his slack will only encourage him to continue doing it.

There is no reason why he shouldn't have obtained a uniform for the child when he knew he was going to do this.

And if he hasn't how is the child going to suffer? He's not because at 6 schools know it's a parenting issue and not a childs responsibility

shazzarooney99 · 07/02/2016 19:45

I think they are probably still at centre parcs and i think he already planned to do this, i would play along with it,dont take the uniform to school, because if he does not take your son in on Monday you tell school exactly what has happened, then what i would do when you get your son back on Monday evening is too say supervised visits only now.

summerwinterton · 07/02/2016 19:47

I thought legal aid was given in cases of all DV, not just physical violence.

I would be witholding contact until this is resolved properly. And I would report him to the police, Women's Aid and anyone else who can support you during this. He is a complete and utter shit to do this to you and he knows it. I would also tell the school what he has done. The more of a paper trail you leave now the better.

Original poster
SheerWill · 07/02/2016 19:47

I will take a spare uniform in as I don't want ds to have a bad day at school. It isn't his fault that he has a dick for a father. My partner will take it in as I'm too emotionally unstable and I don't want ds to see me getting upset. I will just want to hug him and not let him go if I see him in the morning.

When I say 'we allowed' I mean we agreed that on special occasions a 6pm hand over is fine and we agreed that in the holidays he can bring him back at 6. Xh hsa never done a school run ever so doesn't know the effect a late night has on ds. Nor does she have to get called in by the teacher at pick up to talk because ds has had a difficult day at school.

I realise other children might cope fine with coming back later but I have to do what is right for ds and coming back at 6pm means a later bed time and we get up at 6am to get ready in the morning. We don't say this to be a pain and to be super rigid, but because it makes a genuine difference to ds settling back into the normal routine and getting on well at school on the Monday morning.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 07/02/2016 19:48

He might not be putting his child at risk but he is depriving him of a day's education and has lied to the op to do so. If the cp is miles away then is the child going to be distressed about missing a day of school?

It's the cavalier attitude that what dad wants, dad gets. Even if that upsets his son, stresses out his ex and quite clearly doesn't give a shit about his sons education because he's decided that he's just not going to bother sticking to what's been agreed.

He's a dick.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 07/02/2016 19:48

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TheOddity · 07/02/2016 19:49

Just for a different viewpoint and I know I will get flamed.... Could it be they have just had a really fun time in Centreparcs, they wanted a final Sunday night swim there or whatever and are planning to be back at 9pm to make the most of a really nice weekend? Maybe it wasn't planned that way but it is a bit of a one off situation if they are on holiday for the weekend? I agree maybe he hasn't handled this well and perhaps his previous behaviour suggests a bigger pattern, but on this isolated incident alone under these particular circumstances you might be better to cut a bit of slack. But agree that there is no need to run around with school uniforms, he can sort that out when he drops him at school and make his own apologies. Even if your son doesn't have the best day at school tomorrow, it is hardly the end of the world is it? He has a great weekend with his dad, that is important too.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/02/2016 19:49

headmaster not wanting to hijack this thread or anything but my messages for some reason will not let me reply to you now and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 07/02/2016 19:51

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What2 · 07/02/2016 19:52

I don't won't to stick up for your ex but isn't t likely that he has no idea how much of a problem bringing your DS back an hour late causes. I understand that you think he is doing it just to piss you off but he probably doesn't think it effects your son at all.

How was your ex's timekeeping on other things. I know a lot of people all of DH's family who are late for everything. Angry

Obviously this evenings stunt is another matter.

However you deal with it I don't think withholding contact is the way to go. That's unfair on your DS. It's just a shit situation with no simple remedy.

shazzarooney99 · 07/02/2016 19:53

Its not an hour late though is it? hes not bringing him back tonight!

What2 · 07/02/2016 19:55

Yes I know I was referring to the OPs OP where she talks about her ex bringing him back an hour late for the last few weeks.

What2 · 07/02/2016 19:56

I also refer to 'this evening stunt' as a separate issue. Confused

Original poster
SheerWill · 07/02/2016 19:57

I want DS to have a nice time with his dad, but at the same time xh should stick to agreed times. He said himself that if we can't agree to a change in schedule that the agreed times take precedence. That was one of his demands in December, so he is going back on his own agreement.

He also brought him back late the last time he had him for the weekend because it was his girlfriend's sister's birthday. So he is beginning to act controlling again by not sticking to the agreed times set out in mediation.

I want ds to have a good relationship with his dad. But I am also fed up of ds being used as a pawn by xh to get at me, control me, in the narcissistic way he has done since I met him. He hates that I am moving on with my life and he has stepped up the controlling behaviour significantly since I got engaged.

OP posts:
IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 07/02/2016 19:58

This reply has been deleted

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TheWildRumpyPumpus · 07/02/2016 20:00

Am baffled by all the people saying OP shouldn't run a spare uniform up to school for her DS - being the only kid out of uniform (or vice versa being the only one who forgets it's mufti day) is horrible for kids of any age. Yes it makes life easier for the pain in the arse ex, but the child shouldn't suffer because of it.

If he doesn't bother to take DS to school at all then definitely make sure that they are aware of exactly why and start the process to formalise contact arrangements.