Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/02/2016 09:27

Is there any point telling him he's already frightened his daughters and now his calls and messages are causing them further stress. The only message they need from him is a sincere apology, then he needs to back off.

FantasticButtocks · 05/02/2016 09:28

A sincere apology, an admittance that he was wrong and a pledge to sort himself out - those are the only things he should be saying to his daughters.

Stumbletrip40 · 05/02/2016 09:28

you're doing really well, this has been a very fast change for you, of course you'll be anxious, you're doing the right thing. He's a thorough-going bully and he's trying to bully his own DDs too - shame on him. I'd feel more sorry for him if he was booking himself into crisis therapy and agonizing over what an awful specimen he'd become rather than minimizing and bullying on.

ohtheholidays · 05/02/2016 09:30

I think you seeing the Dr is a great idea,make sure you tell them how bad your anxiety is right now.

I know you've told a few friends have you got any family you can tell as well?
I know your really worried about him being able to access the house,would you be able to get the locks changed at all OP?

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 05/02/2016 09:35

I haven't spoken to my mum or dad for nearly 5 years but that's a different story and nothing to do with him. I'm going to look into getting the locks changed now.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofafunnyname · 05/02/2016 09:37

Ive been lurking on your thread the whole time and just wanted to let you know you're not on your own.

I know you're feeling anxious but your are doing amazingly well, I don't think you realise just how strong you are.

As for the breathing, have you ever done yoga or Pilates? Try that breathing pattern, in through the nose to a count of three and out through the mouth to a count of three. Just concentrate on each breath, steady and calm. You could also try to think of positive thoughts on the in breath and blowing out the negatives.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 05/02/2016 09:44

Thank you, this is crazy how fast it is all going. I have a locksmith coming at lunch time to do the front door, £30 out of our little stash but at least I won't need to keep checking it and we can start coming and going through the front instead of the patio doors.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/02/2016 09:51

This is the time for action and it must be fast. It can be daunting, but then you will be able to relax.
Do take a few days off to sort it all out if you need to.

The doctor may help with the anxiety. It can be crippling and he may not even realise he's causing it to this level, in his selfishness.

PacificDogwod · 05/02/2016 09:53

You are doing SO well, Dragons.

I am very angry on your behalf and on anybody's who has to do through what you are just now.
Nobody deserves that.
Your H's upbringing might provide an explanation, but certainly not an excuse.

I wish you a sense of safety and being able to breathe a bit easier once the new locks are installed Thanks

WhatTheActualFugg · 05/02/2016 09:55

Good morning OP.

I'm still here (although really ought be doing some housework!!)

Good luck at the doctors.

Like a pp said, one hour at a time. Baby steps.

MoominPie22 · 05/02/2016 10:00

I can´t believe he´s texting you asking ¨Is this it...?¨ after the shithead wiped out your bank account! Shock WTF does he expect?? You to be all passive and forgiving, like a bloody doormat?! Angry

Have you endured a lot from him in your marriage? He´s fucked it up for himself royally so any anger and frustration should def not be directed at you. You can only bully someone for so long before they snap.....

It´s sounds like you´re sorting all the important practicalities like staying safe and protecting your kids. You need to block his no.on all the phones though, don´t forget. I know it´s like a huge To Do list all of a sudden.

What if he accosts you at work, either in person or on the works phone?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/02/2016 10:06

Fourteen years of what sounds like increasingly difficult behaviour from him. I'm sorry this is happening to you - he sounds dreadful,, you don't want him in your family's life. I wish you all the luck in the world.

petalsandstars · 05/02/2016 10:50

I'd be tempted to tell him to put the money back into the bank account otherwise you'll report him for further financial abuse. But only if he's likely to do it.

ophiotaurus · 05/02/2016 10:54

What a bastard. Can't believe he is trying to get the children involved.
You are doing all the right things. You can do this. Flowers

desertmum · 05/02/2016 10:59

just wanted to drop by and say how well you are doing and how proud of yourself you should be - this is the best way forward for you and your DDs.

AlistairSim · 05/02/2016 11:00

Hat off to you, OP!
You are brilliant and brave.

GarlicBake · 05/02/2016 11:06

I'm very sorry he's frightened you so much that you spent the night huddled against the front door. It must have felt so miserable & weird. Getting the lock changed will solve that, and you'll be at the doctor's now. You ARE amazing, even though you probably don't feel it!

He's completely tipped over into Entitled Bastard mode, hasn't he? Shock It's not unlikely he'll come over all contrite & 'reasonable' after a bit, but there's really no coming back from this level of aggression and clearing out the bank account. You're doing all the right things, and it's clear your daughters trust in you.

So pleased you're calling in RL help from as many quarters as possible.

Eat food, you need the energy. Anything you can get down will do :) xxx

BastardGoDarkly · 05/02/2016 11:11

Dragons I just want to say how utterly amazing you are.

Keep going, you're doing great x

slebmum1 · 05/02/2016 11:42

So sorry you're going through this op.

One thing jumps out at me though - you said you earn £24k - where does that go - into the bank account that he emptied? Do you have your own account?

fohamy12 · 05/02/2016 11:59

Hope your gp appointment helped you Dragons glad you are getting your locks changed. I can't imagine how it feels to be so scared in your own home but I will reiterate what everyone else has said, you are doing so well, I know it doesn't feel like it but you are. And you sound like a fantastic mum.Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 05/02/2016 12:09

Hope your doctors appointment went well.

Expect him to ratchet up the bullying now you've said you want a divorce.

Hopefully someone will be able to advise you regarding money etc as he has a legal responsibility to support you and the children.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 05/02/2016 12:12

Either cried all over a lovely female doctor. She was lovely and it really helped because I hadn't cried until that point.

I have diazepam to try and take the edge off the fear so hopefully some sleep.

The last time I was prescribe was Sept 2012 and that was the last time he did something like this and I made him leave for 2 weeks and then let him back so that's 5 years of nothing getting better and all this anxiety building up.

The bank account is mine, I've had it since I was 18. We added his name and his money when we married. He controls the online banking and I only have access to one of the two accounts, he has transferred it into the account I have no access to. He will need that money for accommodation though so I'm not concentrating on that for now we have food and a roof over our head.

He has messaged about his stuff which I've told him is in the garage. I said he can collect when ever but don't approach the house because it's all locked up. He replied "sorry are you barring me from the house and children" I've naturally not replied.

On edge that he will be here eventually but at least then that is all that is here to collect including his dirty washing out of the basket!

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/02/2016 12:12

Hi, I am so pleased you went to see the doctors- your stress levels must be OFF THE SCALE. and this of course needs addressing so you can continue to function- were they nice?

well done on everything - its wont be this shit forever and ever

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/02/2016 12:27

I was hoping she would give some of the good stuff Grin

have the police actually spoken to him? he does not seem to have any realisation does he???

Pipistrella · 05/02/2016 12:27

One thing I wanted to say, reading your latest posts, is that now you have actually stood up to him, his power is getting less all the time.

He knows this, he will be angry, and will probably do what he can to make life difficult - but that's all he can do. NO one can ever force you to be in the same house as him, ever again - no one can force you to speak to him again, it can all be done via a solicitor.

You need to have that legal framework in place ASAP, as once it's in the hands of someone qualified, he will have even less power and you can concentrate more on your everyday things like looking after the girls and eating and getting money sorted for you three.

It's surprising how quickly a bully can actually give up, once it's clear his victim won't stand for it - keep your tone, keep your attitude, almost like you are lauging at his stupid comments. It's good. It will work. It's like an invisible barrier in your head that says 'Nope. Fuck off' every time he says anything.

He is ridiculous. He knows he hasn't got a leg to stand on and that there's nothing he can do to take away your freedom now you're giving him the finger.

I'm really proud of you Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread