Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

Just one small point. Most large companies will do a partial advance of salary in extremis. Quite frequently for new starters etc who might have to wait 6 weeks to be paid if they join at the wrong time. You'd know this working in payroll.

If your DH leaves his family without funds, it is an option to meet with HR to request that steps are taken to protect you from harassment in the workplace, but to also request the funds. Somebody who is as controlling as you say he is will not want his current situation known at work. If you get further crap from him via text I would simply text back to say that he needs to reinstate your joint account funds promptly so that you and the children can eat. Failure to do so will result in a request to [employer] for advance on next months paycheck and the reasons why.

Don't suppose you are in London? I think our firm is hiring for payroll at the moment.

Is the account that you have no access to just in his name or is it also a joint account (savings etc) because even if you've not got login details at the moment if it is a joint account then you can request online banking login stuff from the bank to get yourself access so you can get some of your money back. I would set up a sole account now if you've not already done so.

"Sorry are you barring me from the house and children" the dick. Was that a question or a statement? I read it as "you are" until I copied it, and it says "are you".
in any case "Sorry you have stolen all the money. Is that so I can't feed the kids"
Get all his stuff out in the garage.
Good idea about asking for an advance, and telling them why. I hope the lovely doc signed you off sick. How do you feel about going in to work to ask for an advance on payroll? The person you see should keep that to themselves if you want that. Or you could do that by phone so as not to bump into Mr Charmitself.
I hope you find the energy to get all these things done OP. Thinking of you.

As you are working in the same company, I would have no issue at all to tell HR about what is happening.
You will need some support at work (eg a half a day to go see the sollicitors or to sepeak to WA) and to be protected at work from his harassment.
Depending on his position, they might also want to be aware of any Police involvement anyway.

Have you started to look at sollicitors?
re bank accounts, if you are named on the account, contact your bank and ask for new internet bank dtails to be giiven to you. Explain the situation. This will be no problem at all and will avoid him taking all the money out of the account for himself wo you being able to do anything.
Do you also have any savings he can get hold off?

Good point petals, same for my DH: I have the password/numberpad thingy and he doesn't, but it's a joint account. He just never bothered to ask for internet access. If my DH needed some money from that account he could still go to the bank and get it. Maybe you can.

I'm going to self cert for a couple of days although I have to go in on Monday morning to hold a HR disp, it's on a time frame and no one else can do it.

I'm going to call today and tell them I'm poorly, I can do the meeting (can sneak in via the back and the room will have the blinds shut due to the nature of the meeting) but then I'm going to self cert, Dr said I can go back for time off any time I want so that is good.

I've looked at child maintenance which is a good amount, next I'm going to call the bank and sort my access out, ask for statements to be sent to home to see what he has been up to and then find a local solicitor for hopefully Monday afternoon.

The non mol is going to cost £100 so I'm going to have to hold off for now and rely on the police because I'm going for the residential compliance order first (I think that's what it's called, WA are going to email me the paperwork)

On a positive note 1/2 diazepam and my heart rate is nearly normally, I didn't want to take a full 5mg because I've got to do the school run. Glad to hear it's the good stuff

Oh, and I've written a letter to my doctor and asked if I can have the dates I've had to see them for anxiety over the last 10 years so I can build a time frame of all the times He has made me need support, I don't remember them all at all as my friend reminded me of a couple of times that I had forgotten aout.

Epic post, sorry, just trying to get it all down. And of course, thank you all

Cheesey I'm guessing a question, don't you hate it when someone doesn't use the correct punctuation? His spelling is dreadful as well, through instead of threw me out, I guess he is very mad with me right now!

When me and my ex split he emptied our joint bank account. I went into the bank and spoke and they took me into a little office, blocked the account and phoned him in front of me to explain that as we have split up they have to block the account. He was as nice as pie to them on the phone, agreeing that of course that was correct. The bank sorted everything for me and told me what i needed to tell work.

Child maintenance might look good, but he has still to actually pay it. Sadly.

The non mol is going to cost £100 so I'm going to have to hold off for now

Check with NCDV. Seriously. As he has emptied the bank account, there is DV and he could come by pestering you and trying to gain access, perhaps it could be done.
No harm in trying.

Phew

I've phoned the bank, I'm back online and he must have had a change of heart because the money is back in the main account. and he didn't change the password I was being a jumpy and entering the wrong details

The lady on the phone was so nice, she made me cry and told me she has been there and it will all get better and I will be so much happier. She is sending paper statements to the house.

Bank account now all sorted and I'm going to have a clear up ie stop paying for fucking sky sports packages for a start.

Solicitor next and I really need to try and eat something. And I will try Lweji

Check with Women's Aid re the non-mol. If the police have recorded the incident as dv you should be entitled to legal aid providing your income/savings are less than the proscribed amount over which you won't be eligible.

In addition courts have the discretion to waive fees where there is financial hardship.

With regard to finding a solicitor, I suggest you solicit recommendations from Women's Aid.

You're beginning to sound empowered, Dragons. Go gal!

You're doing really well Dragons.

Two practical things I thought of are for you to set up a totally separate email address for yourself and when you get to that stage tell him this is the way to contact you about family finances, access and so on.
You may or may not choose to give your solicitor the same address, but it means you only have to encounter these matters when you prepare yourself and decide to check.

Secondly you mentioned patio doors. Now that you're the only adult in the house, for security reasons you would do well to reassess and heighten the family's protection. For example we have a key lock on the door that slides, a bolt that goes into the frame and we also put a piece of thin wood in the track when the door's close, that stops the sliding door being moved, a cheap and cheerful fix. You can get bit of wood in a DIY store and they'd cut it to your length if you go prepared.

I have read this thread and feel for you OP, but my god you are doing so well! Im not entirely sure id be able to be as strong as you so my heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing and seems like you are taking all the correct precautions and really sorting everything out as best you can.

Thank goodness you have money.

I hope you are gaining from the other posters wisdom. Everyone will help you through this.

My income alone is apparently over the threshold but I will take another look into it.

The patio doors are two doors that open out into the garden. I really would like some thick curtains to stop me keep glancing out there, he can get through the back gate because the bolts are broken. I poped to the charity shop and picked some up just as a make do but they don't fit nice length but not wide enough to cover both doors, it made me laugh because that's typical of me. The £7 is exchangeable in the charity shop so DD can go and choose £7 of charity shop books tomorrow when I return them!

You are doing so well OP, well done

Well done, you're doing so well. You are not 'barring' him from the children, you are protecting them. His violent outburst and the things he's said that dd heard, have frightened the children. His texts to them now are making his daughters anxious. Does he not realise any of this? He sounds like such a horrible man, you are all well rid of this kind of behaviour in your lives.

You are doing great. As a temporal solution could pin up sheet or even sheets of paper over the doors. Just so you can relax in the evening.

akire you genius! I can use a king size duvet and use the buttons to secure to the pole!!!!

I'll be back

Dragons

Just delurking to also say well done, knowledge is power & getting all your ducks in a row will give you strength.

Can I just ad one more bit of advice? Do have a quiet word with the DD's class teacher and give them the heads up about the situation. It helps them to know so if either child appears upset or acts out of character they can support their pupil.

Also school is not allowed to refuse him access to the girls if he turns up at school demanding to collect them BUT they can delay him and take him to an office while they alert you & ask what you want done. If they know what the score is then they can support you all better.

Ok, as the money is back in the bank account you will be able to afford the court fees.

Still, don't make the same mistake as I did. The bastard took the money back again later.
Make sure at least half of it is secure in your own bank account.

Wow! You're a regular hurricane! Well done, you!

Am I correct in assuming that he no longer has access to the bank account you're using? Even if you trust him not to play funny, you don't need or want him looking online and tracking your expenses.

I missed that you work for the same company. No chance of a move to a different branch or location for either of you, I suppose?

you know, I would keep the curtains even if they only cover two thirds of the patio doors. It's two thirds of privacy. Might depend on if you have whatever's needed to hang them. For £7 it might be worth thinking about. Not as a permanent thing, just a for-now thing.

There, I know it doesn't look great but I can't see out!

Good job ! :-)