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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 11:56

Hi dragons-sorry you are having a bad day-perfectly natural-this is still so new.
You have access to money now don't you? I couldn't remember if he'd put the money back in the account after he took it out? Maybe do pizza delivery for dinner tonight or take out to give you a deserved break, and then an online shop for the rest of the week? I always feel better when I've got the meals planned and everything needed in the house (but I'm a bit odd like that!)
Glad he has stopped messaging for now.This is his mess to sort out in terms of housing and the contact should go at your (and DD's) pace-and you are entitled to some time breathe and process what's happened.
Glad the DD's had sleepovers etc-bit of fun and normalcy is just what they need right now.
Hopefully the organising is making you feel better-I am trying to do the same at the moment but keep getting waylaid by nostalgia at all the DD's little clothes 😀.
Did you say you had an appointment with a solicitor at some point soon?

dunfightin · 15/02/2016 11:59

Try to view it as part of the process … If you don't feel like being super mum at the moment, see if DDs can go to friends. Explain to mums and I'm sure they'll be happy to do stuff with them. Don't be afraid to ask. But do try to eat as well as you can mange, it does help.

TawnyGrisette · 15/02/2016 12:00

Dragons he has created this situation, not you! It is his own fault that he isn't currently seeing his DDs, and his own fault that he needs to find somewhere to live. Don't let him make you feel guilty about a situation that he created with his abusive behaviour. Flowers

Have you got money for petrol and shopping? Can you leave the older DDs at home whilst you go shopping? Buy something tasty to make for dinner to cheer yourself up!

I've been absolutely filled with admiration for you on this thread - you have been strong, capable, determined. You have a lot of women cheering your corner - remember that when all this stress is lapping at your heels. Things will get better!

MoominPie22 · 15/02/2016 12:30

Hi lassie, there's bound to b down times. It goes with the territory. Even with an amicable break up but esp so when your ex is a wanker!
Don't worry, it'll pass as others will testify. Sounds like you've got good friends and support which is awesome. Just stay focused, keep busy and distracted and your mind will b occupied on the present or nxt task.
Get your tunes pumping while ur at it....Smile
All this sorting and chucking out must feel very therapeutic? Get rid of every last trace of negative reminders of your past life to make way for the new. Be ruthless! Make your home YOUR home with yours and your daughters personalities throughout.Grin

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 15/02/2016 12:31

30 min solicitor app on Wednesday morning the I'm off to cit advice.

Seeing the out reach worker on Thursday.

Have another doctors app on Friday, they called me so that's nice that the doctor did think aboutme.

WTC forms on the way

There is money in the account so I need to man up, stop looking at baby clothes and get the food shop done Smile

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/02/2016 12:38

He has stopped sending messages but they were all about me stopping the children seeing him, him needing to find some where to live.

And what has any of that got to do with you? Absolutely sweet FA. If it were the other way round and you were homeless, you'd sort out somewhere to stay wouldn't you. (Not that he is homeless, he's just trying every angle - persuasion, pity, anger, blame, promises, etc. in the hope that eventually he will hit on the 'right' one that will make you take him back).

He's still following the script. And he's still making it all about him without a care in the world for the rest of you.

What would you do if you wanted to see your children? You'd get legal advice immediately wouldn't you. You'd sort out supervised access. He hasn't even done that. He's not bothered about them. Honestly, he is just trying to grind you down.

But you won't allow that right? You've made the break, that might have been the hardest bit. Now, with support, you'll hold it and you will come out the other side, happy and free. And so will your girls x

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 12:49

Good stuff-lots of progress can be made with all those appointments-meanwhile between now and then you've a few days just for you and the DD's.Smile

mix56 · 15/02/2016 13:11

It is a good idea to work out a weekly menu, (ask the girls what they'd like,) & work out a budget, Roast chicken can be one meal & left over chicken can be a in a pie or soup... Budget pack mince, can be spag bol, make a big batch & freeze some, or do half burgers, half bolgnaise etc.
cook a batch of rice, & use left overs for fried rice, (it saves time & effort )
Check out the special offers, & work your menus around them...

To save thinking, you can decide on a 2 week menu & rotate !

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2016 14:18

Great progress!

Remember it's normal that when you take a step to independence to have a 'reaction'. Making the solicitor appointment may make you feel shaky or teary. But it's NOT a sign of weakness, it a sign that you are brave. Brave because you are stepping forward.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 18:47

So he is feeling sorry for himself and playing the entitlement/Dragons is a cruel meanie/ tune...
Too bad. He will have to cool his engines until you and he can hammer out an agreement about contact with the children, in due course. Since part of what was wrong in the relationship was his horrible treatment of the girls (no girls, contact should be supervised and at a centre).

And diddums can sort out his own accommodation, since he is a grown up, with a salary.

He heard what you said about the end of the marriage. He knows he should see a solicitor. That would be too much like demonstrating that he takes you seriously however. He prefers to show you that he holds you in contempt.

He is just trying to get under your skin with his texts about seeing the girls, etc. Keep on working towards the injunction.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 18:51

He has stopped sending messages but they were all about me stopping the children seeing him, him needing to find some where to live.

This is all blaming you. It is part of a predictable script -- an abuser will not take responsibility for his own choices.

Try to say to yourself 'I'm sorry you feel that way, bub' (in your best shotgun shack accent in your head) when you see those texts.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 18:54

"of the girls (no girls, contact" Blush

Should be "of the girls, contact should be supervised and at a contact centre."

See what WA can offer the girls too. I think it's important for them to understand that what they have seen and heard and experienced was not deserved, and not what they should expect for themselves.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/02/2016 21:32

Ah think ah luffs mathanxiety, ah does...

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 15/02/2016 23:13

I'm sitting here going through my old threads and posts and taking screen shots on my iPad but have no idea how I can get them printed, no printer here and not sure if you can print from one a way.

If I take the iPad to print as a photo the posts will be tiny.

Any help please?bthere are quite a few but to creating such a time line to compare against my doctors print outs he never told me the truth and I'm now piecing it together myself and it's just making me angrier stronger.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 15/02/2016 23:22

Have you got a friend with a printer? You could send them by mail and get them printed maybe.

FantasticButtocks · 15/02/2016 23:40

Email them to yourself

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 15/02/2016 23:43

I'm off work and don't have a printer at home, my friend might, I will ask.

OP posts:
Marchate · 15/02/2016 23:47

Public libraries generally have printers. CAB might even print them for you when you go there

JeremyZackHunt · 16/02/2016 00:15

If you can get them on to a memory card or USB stick then a print shop or Staples etc should be able to print.

FinestGrundyTurkey · 16/02/2016 00:18

Dragons, have you got a laptop/PC? If so you can save whole threads to your hard drive (although they won't necessarily look the same but still you can read them)

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 16/02/2016 00:24

Thank you for the ideas

OP posts:
Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 16/02/2016 01:42

I've fb messaged her. Ive sent her the messages I have between them and asked her what her version of them is.

I've told her it's time for her to explain her side of it all, after all she is getting married soon and we work together, or did until I was diagnosed unfit

I wish I could do this but I honestly can't, I'm not coping when he is messaging and Im not coping when he is staying silent.

I can't do this I'm no use to any of them.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 16/02/2016 01:55

It's always darkest before dawn, but hang on in there - the light will shine for you again.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 16/02/2016 02:12

Not here, she will no doubt let him know I've messaged giving them further reason if needed to talk.

I hate him, I hate it all.
I really can't do this

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 16/02/2016 02:31

O yes you can - and you will with the help of the mumsnet army.

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