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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 13/02/2016 13:44

I've also called the csa (or what ever it's called today) everything is in the starting process, they have all the details. I just need to wait it out now. I went for collect and pay so he can't muck us around.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 13/02/2016 14:20

He's getting to you or upsetting you with comments like
He came back with "I will explain to her that you have thrown me out with no access to anything and see if she thinks that's acceptable"

Well worth remembering how well you know him and how he operates and greet his vindictiveness with a roll of your eyes. Take away his power to hurt you further.

Of course you could respond with "if you were to do that, then I'd have no choice but to make her fully aware of the facts leading to the police report" but you wouldn't (and shouldn't) because you actually care about your DDs and their emotional welfare. Nothing to stop you thinking it in your mind though and putting a steely glint in your eye Wink

*I underlined shouldn't just in case anyone seriously thought I was suggesting engaging with him. I'm not, it's just offloading amongst ourselves.

mrsfleming32 · 13/02/2016 15:14

Amazing lady. I escaped an alcoholic 5 years ago. Won't bore you with the details. Stay frosty xxxxx

FantasticButtocks · 13/02/2016 15:48

when have you never seen the children for more than 1 day, it's been 10 days are you saying I can't text my own children He really needs to learn how to behave around those children though. Threatening to tell dd this that and the other is the action of an angry man, not of a good father.

You are dealing with him very well. He didn't realise he was making you all miserable? Did he think you all enjoyed his shouting and his threats and his violence? Let's hope he fucks the fuck OFF!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2016 16:25

I agree with no response. But be sure you keep that text. It's a veiled threat and certainly won't look good to a judge. And a very good reason why he's not to text the DDs.

How un-self-aware can you be? "You won't let me text the DDs because I say inappropriate, unhelpful things so I'm going to threaten you that if you won't let me text them I'm going to text them an inappropriate, unhelpful thing". What an idiot!

Others have it. You are 'outside your box' now and that's so far beyond his experience that he's pinging off the walls trying to figure out how to 'contain' you. It would be amusing IF it weren't so damaging to the DDs.

dunfightin · 13/02/2016 18:10

think it will be good for the DDs to talk amongst themselves … nice comfy time on the sofa in front of the telly or a drive - wherever they feel most comfortable and lots of time. Hope you can sort the solicitor soonest. And his most recent outburst just proves the point.
But if he pulls that when he does get to see them, don't worry DCs see actions and act accordingly. Good, secure parenting always wins out in the end

goddessofsmallthings · 13/02/2016 18:40

I can only echo what others have said. Stand still and let him scurry about desperately searching for ammunition to wound you which will only end up in his foot.

Pretty soon it'll be water off a duck's back as you roll your eyes, think 'here he goes again', and turn your attention to the things that really matter in life such as the happiness of yourself and your lovely dds.

Save his texts/messages. Not responding will ensure that he'll manufacture more than enough rope to hang himself with.

Harden to your heart to him, Dragons. It's patently obvious that he doesn't feel an iota of remorse for the way he's treated you and the dc. If he gets his feet back under your table he'll soon be back in the old routine and you'll have it all to do again.

What is wrong with the abusive twunts who so frequerntly appear on this board in various shapes, sizes, and guises? It seems they went to harm school instead of charm school. Angry

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 13/02/2016 23:36

I called him, after lots of texts I called him.

I've told him it realy is over, I've explained about the girls feelings , he still doesn't understamd and ended up putting the phone down on me.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 14/02/2016 00:25

Unless hell freezes over he seeks professional help for his issues he never will undersand, Dragons, and he'll rewrite history to show him as being an attentive and hands on dh whose dw turned his dc against him because she's hateful by nature/having an affair/off her rocker.

You wasted your breath on him tonight and you're best advised to conserve your energy and not have any more conversations with him unless a mediator is present as part of the divorce proceedings.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2016 00:37

Not surprised. He really isn't interested in anything you have to say, unless it falls in line with what he wants.

Don't try to explain your position or his faults any further, you've said your piece. Now just stick to the day to day necessaries if you must speak to him at all. Think 'what', not 'why'.

Friendlystories · 14/02/2016 00:45

I agree with goddess about his propensity to believe his own version of what's happened and that you need to pull the plug on direct communication with him now. Protect yourself and your reserves of emotional energy by doing everything through official channels from now on, he will sap your strength if you let him and you need every ounce of that for yourself and your girls. Let your solicitor and the relevant legal processes shield you from his attempts to twist the truth, they're there to protect you so let them.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2016 06:28

Have read the whole thread, and well done Dragons.

He is angry and on his back foot and pushing hard to get back in control. You haven't done what you did before. You have taken control back and of course he doesn't like that one bit.

He only wants to see the girls in order to keep you anxious and afraid and under his thumb. He doesn't care about them at all.

If the children are ever to see him again it must be at a contact centre, and supervised.

He has his script, clearly, and it is pathetically predictable: you are the baddie, he is the wronged party, blah blah. No more contact with him -- he wants to hear that he is the centre of your universe and nothing less will be acceptable to him. Your next move is to speak with a solicitor. After that, if he contacts you, instruct him to direct any further communication to the solicitor. He can put that in his pipe and smoke it. It is always a surprise to an abuser that there is a whole big world out there beyond his own head, and that it takes a different view of him from the one he he cherishes.

Make sure you keep all his emails and texts up to now, including everything he has sent to the DDs.

Flowers
MoominPie22 · 14/02/2016 08:07

Hanging up on you is just him now scraping the barrel, a pathetic attempt to demonstrate any power he thinks he has over you still ( he has NONE ), an attempt to put you in your place etc etc. He´s desperate! LOL Grin

But seriously, I wouldn´t ring him again. You´re playing into his hands. Just drop him an email if it´s essential you must communicate over something.

He is incapable of communicating like a reasonable, well-balanced human being cos he´s petty and pathetic really. He´s lost, you´ve won, that´s gonna be very difficult for someone who is abusive and a domineering bully who´s used to having the upper hand to take. So he resorts to petulant, childish behaviour.

God what a loser! You´re calling the shots and telling him how it is and he hates it. Result! Smile

But this is why you should block his no. otherwise he´ll bombard you with texts and you´ll cave. Don´t buy into it. If he can txt you he can influence you. Would you have rang him if he hadn´t sent you multiple texts?

All tactics and clutching at straws.....remember, he knows which buttons to press after all these yrs. Don´t bite.

Joysmum · 14/02/2016 09:09

The only way he know thinks he can get to you is through the kids.

Please protect yourself and ensure all communication is via text or email so you have record.

Lweji · 14/02/2016 09:15

More importantly, protect the children. Because he won't care who's hurt in the process.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/02/2016 09:51

So now he's conveniently forgotten his own disgraceful behaviour and is getting self righteous and angry.in a way this is good-if you give him enough rope he will hang himself with that kind of atitude.You've done brilliantly dragons, again.
I would say to him that he can of course text his children, but if possible could he try to avoid upsetting them any further than he has already as they are currently very distressed due to their witnessing of his treatment of their mother, and that you will be in touch soon to arrange contact that they feel comfortable with.And leave it at that.
Lots of cuddles with all the DD's today.Its a nice fresh day-maybe a walk to take the cobwebs off? My DD's talk to me the most when we go out for a walk and it's got us through a horrible time since their dad and I seperated-sometimes its just good to get out of the house so you don't feel like a prisoner in your own home.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 14/02/2016 10:08

I feel like a fool for calling him but it won't happen again, you are all right and I suppose the good thing for me is I did clearly spell it out that there is no room to recover, our marriage is dead.

I got made breakfast in bed, with home made cards and a jar of my favourite sweets for Valentine's Day from my lovely girls.

A walk sounds like a great idea, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
3WiseWomen · 14/02/2016 10:12

Actually I think you did VERY well when you rung him. You've told him where you stand, you stand your ground so well he was the one to hang up.

He is loosing his grip in you and he knows it.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 14/02/2016 10:13

Just RTFT. Dragons you are awesome! Enjoy your walk and stay strong!

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/02/2016 13:37

I think it's good that you called him-it shows that you have been willing to keep communications (about the girls) open so he can't accuse you of not doing so later.
Love your girls making a nice fuss of you today Smile

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 14/02/2016 14:05

Don't feel like a fool. Keep moving forward and staying strong.
He's in shock now that you've stood up to him and won't be manipulated back under his control.

Keep your wits about you and don't be pushed around re access or anything else.

Don't be shy of asking for advice from your solicitor when needs be, or opinions here, but ultimately you're now in control of your life and as such, trust your gut and do what's right for you and your girls Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2016 14:17

Never feel a fool! You were trying to do the right thing. With a reasonable person, sitting down and explaining why you are ending a relationship and asking to keep things amicable is the right thing to do. You're just not dealing with a reasonable person.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 02:55

Hope your evening went well, Dragons.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 08:20

Yes-and that you manage to have a nice half term with the DD's.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 15/02/2016 11:45

I'm having a really bad day. He has stopped sending messages but they were all about me stopping the children seeing him, him needing to find some where to live.

I'm tidying and sorting old clothes and letting the kids have sleep overs last night which was quite fun actually.

Friends have DD3 today, DD1 & 2 have friends over so I'm sitting on my kitchen floor sorting through baby clothes and listening to music.

There is no food in the house, well the girls and friends have had breakfast and now chips and gravy for lunch but that is the last of it, no petrol in the car and no energy.

I really need to pull myself together and sort it all out. I just want it all to disappear, I think I'm just tired but my head won't shut up.

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