Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

You can dragons. You really can.

Lovely, have you been drinking? If so, put your phone in a drawer and try to go to bed. If not, well, put your phone in a drawer and go to bed anyway.

Things will look better in the morning. Right now you have a case of the 'Late Night Blues'. The only cure for them is sleep and the sunrise.

Dragons you CAN do this, you have been my inspiration to leave my emotionally abusive husband who for my own stupid reasons I still love.
It's not easy, you are right but you can do this and you have been doing it brilliantly! Don't beat yourself up, your girls will be so proud to have such an amazing mum. Every time I feel like I can't do it anymore I focus my thoughts on my DC, I'm doing it for them just like you are doing it for your lovely girls.

You will be fine 🌷

You are doing so well so far, remember you are stronger than you think! Xx KOKO

Remember It's always darkest before the dawn Dragons. Last night sounded tough but today is a new day. Clear head, clear mind and it will get better.
Not quite the same but I had situation with toxic family member living with us. I remember the anxiety was horrendous once I put my foot down and they went. Sometimes I wanted to let them come back just to stop them contacting me (either repentant or abusive) or getting others to plead their case!!!I was also accused of withholding my children.
But it settled down and it's ok now. Look at some of the threads on here for inspiration-theformidableMrs.C for example. Tough times but so worth it to be FREE

Morning dragons-tough night and it's not surprising.You are going through something seismic and that you don't deserve to be having to cope with. Of course you hate him.Thats good in a way as you can channel that into determination to take control and make the situation work for you and your girls.
Unfortunately I doubt you will ever get the truth out of ow or h on what happened there..Fwiw it's probably what I would have done too however as actually why should she not have to confront her own behaviour in some way? But thats secondary at the moment, however much it hurts and I know it does.
That said try just to keep focussed on what you need to do for you and the DD's to be secure and safe.You've done amazingly so far and we're all with you.
Have you got any of you rl friends that know about this that you could spend a bit of time with this week? It can feel a bit lonely when it's just you and the DD's 24/7.
I don't mind printing stuff and posting if you can email it, if that will help?

You can do this, Dragons, and you are doing it.

Every day is bringing new things that you haven't had to deal with before but that was the same as when you had a new baby and you did that okay .

There will always be someone on here to help you.

If you brush it off then your daughters will think that's the norm. Next thing you know, they're in abusive relationships accepting the same. Leave him for your daughters of not for yourself. Forget what others think because many stay in situations like these because of that.

Sorry cross post. Well done for doing all that op.

Across is right: tears don't mean weakness. Think of it like the headaches one gets in the first stage of a detox diet

Man, that analogy works on a lot of levels...

Why are you trying to figure out what happened between them?

You do need to move on.

One thing is to gather evidence. The other is to delve on whatever happened. He hasn't treated you right. Nor your daughters. That's enough.

You are giving him more power over you by focusing on this woman and whatever happened between them. Just don't.

Oh goodness how scary for you all :( I haven't read full thread as it's huge, but you're definitely right to make a big deal out of this. I'm not sure I would be able to trust again after something like this.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs This is enough. Whether he has some OW or not really doesn't matter now, that is just a red herring.

He Is Not Worth Having.

DragonsCanHop Tue 16-Feb-16 01:42:38

a bless you, that was a late night and dark message

I hope in the light of day you feel slightly better XXXX

ah fuck her, seriously- what will knowing do, really? But I get you have a dip, tis only human

Hey Dragons, I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. Well, it's morning here anyway.

I'm reminded of a Bible verse (even if you don't 'believe' there are a lot of good words to be found) "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."

Onwards and upwards, yes?

Sorry about last night, you are all right that it doesn't matter and it's not the reason I'm doing this.

I suppose it's because we work together that it played on my mind.

The message has a tick by it on FB message does this mean she has read it.

DD1 is here getting ready with a friend for her first under 18 party tonight, they have been trashing the house getting ready since 10am

I have my solicitor app tomorrow. Can someone tell me what I need to take please, I don't want to waste the 30 minutes taking 14yrs worth of out of date paperwork.

conkers thank you, I will pm when I get a chance and really appreciate the offer.

I've pm'd you my email address in case you want me to do some secretarial for you

Dragons, I don't know about Facebook or about the solicitors, but I just wanted to say don't apologize. You're totally allowed to have your ups and downs, it's understandable and totally normal.

I hope you're feeling supported by this thread

I remember teen parties! I think we actually had more fun getting ready than at the actual party!

As far as what to take I'd say proof of all income for both of you. If you are both on a steady wage just a couple of months should be fine. If your wages vary from month to month, then maybe 6 months so the solicitor can have an idea of the average. Proof of assets; bank statements, investment account statements. Proof of expenses; credit cards, mortgage/rent, utilities, school fees, childcare costs (including expected increase in childcare if applicable).

Since you're looking at 30 minutes, if I were you I'd try to sit and put it in a list to show the solicitor. It'd be faster for him to glance down a column of figures rather than have to sift through statements and slips. Take the proofs just in case.

Write a list of any questions you may have regarding divorce timelines, costs, temporary maintenance, division of assets, anything you've been thinking/worrying about.

Hello OP . I've been lurking and just wanted to say how amazing you are doing.

With regards to the FB message. If it has a blue tick it means it's been received . If it's been read the tick will turn into their profile picture if that makes sense? So she's received the message but not read it.

Hope your solicitors meeting goes well tomorrow

the solicitor, won't want all the documents tomorrow, it is for you to talk about separation & what he can do for you. If you have a good "feeling", & has heard of & UNDERSTANDS EA, then you will decide if you want to be the client & then s/he will give you a list of docs necessary.
So, make a list of questions you have. & take notes
take a list of income, assets, outgoings, pension plan, savings, as the Pond says,
If this isn't the right SHL, you can move on to the next one ...

It will feel better afterwards !

Explain end point of the relationship and see how solicitor reacts i.e. if they jump to understand the abusive side of it. If not or if you feel in any way patronised or they want to be over conciliatory then move on to the next one.
It's important for legal aid that you find someone who 'gets' DV and the mindfuckery that goes with it and will apply for a legal aid certificate for you (if eligible). You do need a SHL in all aspects. First bit will be why you are there, what you want or what s/he suggests and then rough ballpark of costs and timeframe.
That will take you the 30 mins. Remember they are not your friend or counsellor but are there to get you and your DDs the best possible outcome from this.
Good luck

I've got to get this written down fresh in my mind.

DD1 just about to get back from first under age clubbing so need to be quick.

DD3 asked at 9.30 if she could say good night to her dad. Speaker phone she told him what she has done so far and our plans and then said she would see him Sunday.

He then emailed me.

We need to talk about money, so I called him and said I was only prepared to talk about money. His accom is sorted and paid for up till 29/2 (friend loaned him the money to pay back when we get paid in 10 days, £1k)

We are maxed on credit cards and have £200 in the bank, I said that would be ok, 10 days to pay day, we an do that,, I now have petrol, maxed my credit card doing that, (his is paid for by the company in his company car) I've been careful and so has he.

He gets a largish bonus in 10 days, I said use it to find accom, pay minimum on credit cards and we can go from there. He wants to pay all owed on credit as he will need a credit check - we didn't agree so I said to leave that until we get paid.

We have ££££ in our childcare voucher scheme for DD3 when I go back to work.

He said his accom would be unfurnished, I didn't agree and said he could find something furnished

He said I'm being unfair the girls won't talk to him, I've told them every day it's their choice, take their time, he does love them but they will need time. His reply was "you will be alright in our hose with our children whilst I'm here with no chance to make it better" I told him he had that chance in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and no more chances to have, the DC have witnessed to much and are now old enough to form their own opinions without my influence.

He said I have them and his home, I said I'm in our home supporting his children who are confused, angry and worried, he put the phone down on me.

Call lasted 10pm to 10.12pm

You stood your ground again and he lost his cool again! Well done Dragons. I hope you don't have to speak to him again any time soon and that your visit to the solicitor tomorrow helps to clarify things for you.

I would hope your finances can be kept separate (partly to avoid conversations like tonight - his accommodation fees are no concern of yours quite frankly) but you can ask the solicitor tomorrow.

Hope dd enjoyed her evening. Try and switch off from the ex now so you can rest properly after your tough night last night, and have a positive day tomorrow.

DD1 and her friend are home, currently eating pot noodles and talking about boys trying to touch their bums ha ha, such innocence, I love them all so much.

I've got my appointment in the morning, thank you for all of the advice, shipping them and me off to bed as soon as pot noodles are demolished.

He really can't think about anyone but himself, I feel sorry for him, I always thought he was such a strong, protective and powerful man and now I think he is a selfish prick who never knew what he had or has now lost.

yeah but don´t feel sorry for him too much! The loser has had this coming for a long time! Now it´s payback time. With interest! Nasty sod.