Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

Good move, Dragons. I agree it will be better when DD3 knows he's gone, and why. She has two sisters who get it, she must be aware they're "not saying" something around her as well.

... and it's very important, of course, that every child knows we don't keep bullies in our lives. This is what you and her sisters are modelling :)

She'll probably act out for a bit. But she'll know she can trust you to keep her safe.

Maybe you should ask the big sisters to be there when you talk to DD3, so she knows they understand & support YOU.
In an ideal situation, (OK... forget it) HE should be by your side, when the announcement is made. He has engineered this sad state of affairs, HE should own up to being the bad guy. (for the children)

It will be hard dragons but you will feel much better when you've told her.I also think she might surprise you-kids are amazing sometimes. best of luck lovely x

I think mix may have a good idea. If you feel your other DDs could remain calm and help DD3 understand that they understand and are 'ok' with things.

Thanks for the "big fish..." explanations! I can picture that!

Not really my era. But if you wanted to know about how we danced to early 80s electronic, errm, I probably be as useless re terminology.

Good to hear your strength, OP!

Just thinking about how I would word it with DD3 in your shoes, how about something like 'DD3 we need to have a little chat about Daddy, thing is you know how Daddy can be quite shouty? Well people shouldn't really be shouty like that, especially not with their family and so me and Daddy have decided it would be better if Daddy lived somewhere else so that when he's shouty he's not being like that where mummy or you can hear him. You will still see him and we'll sort that out so that you see him regularly but it will mean you can enjoy it when you do see him and you won't need to worry about him shouting because he can do all that when he's on his own instead of while he's around all of us.' I just think it needs to be clear that he's gone because of his own behaviour, nothing she or you have done, but also nothing so terrible that she's scared of him if you're comfortable with him seeing her

Thanks to all but fern that is a brilliant start, she hated the shouting and was always happy that it wasn't bout her and said she didn't want to be shouted at like the girls (her sisters) were.

Her asthma is really bad at the minute. Last night I put her in my bed to stop her disturbing DD1 and then I ended up on the sofa because her coughing Etc was too loud to sleep, don't worry though, I have given her all her pumps and sorted her pillows etc.

So today is going to be the day, I'm not going to askDD1 to be here, she has so much on her plate and I've said she can go out with friends and Dd2 has dancing this morning so I'll do it this morning.

No answer to my email saying no last night to him, he isn't going to be happy with me.

She may also prefer her sisters to be with her when she sees him, which I think would be reassuring, & also possibly put paid to him telling her, "Mummy is being horrid, she knows I am not really bad, & will let me home if you ask her" .... type bollox. (but she needs to know they are refusing)
Good Luck Dragons, you know what is best for her... Ask the big girls to be empathetic.
as for X, Legally he will be allowed to see them, so perhaps you should tell him when he has a get a decent place to live, he will have contact every other w/e, (unless they refuse) like all the other divorced people.

Whether he's happy or unhappy with you is immaterial as his behaviour towards you and your dds has ensured that his happiness is no longer your concern, Dragons.

I was thinking last night that you and your dds are becoming a tight knit unit of 4; one kick ass woman raising 3 kick ass women-to-be and flourishing in the process. Hold on to that thought in the dark times and you'll never lose sight of the light.

Fwiw I don't hold to the oft-expressed on here view that children are 'resilient', but I have no doubt that you possess the empathy and sensitivity to help each of your dc process their dps' separation in a way that will not impact negatively on their burgeoning self-awareness and that your h's absence from your home will, in fact, enable them to flourish and gain in confidence.

I hope little dd3 feels better this morning and that your 'talk' goes well today and in the weeks to come as she will no doubt come up with all sorts of questions as she looks to reassure herself that all is well in her world.

At this stage, if he really wants to see them he should arrange for supervised contact and pay for it.

I hope the talk goes/went well.

www.naccc.org.uk
www.nfm.org.uk/index.php/separation-issues/legal/contact-activities/child-contact-centres

Don't send them these, though. He should run the mile for his children.

Just a thought but would giving him access affect your injunction at all? I have no idea about these things.

If a non-molestation order extends to the dc it will most certainly have a bearing on the abuser's contact with them.

Don't agree to anything until you have seen the solicitor. It's important that you keep that firm - after all if you say he needs to be kept away from you and the house and then let him see the youngest and possibly most physically vulnerable DD, it doesn't quite add up and he could use that against you in court if it comes to that. It's something a solicitor would definitely pick up.
Let the solicitor guide you and then the judge decide what is safe in these circumstances i.e. contact centre, supervised or whatever. It's very hard to do that as I guess feeling sorry for DD3 and also possibly the niggling hope that he will have miraculously changed and show himself to be a good guy are quite hard to resist.
If he has half an idea of the mess he has created, he would see a solicitor and find out what he has to do to prove himself rather than sending whiny texts.
Definitely the shouty angle is good - it's age appropriate and ties into what primaries talk about re bullying, general acceptable behaviour

Well, it's started.

He text to see the children and I explained how they are not ready yet and that DD3 still doesn't know and I would be telling her today.

He came back with "when have you never seen the children for more than 1 day, it's been 10 days are you saying I can't text my own children"

So I asked if he would like to sit his daughter down and explain to her why he isn't here and explain why he does what he does.

He came back with "I will explain to her that you have thrown me out with no access to anything and see if she thinks that's acceptable"

Prick

DD1 and I told DD3 about an hour ago, we explained that I don't like the shouting, she said she doesn't like it either. I said that daddy has gone to his own house so we don't have to be all shouty, she cried and we had lots of cuddles and a little chat about being with people who are kind to us. I told her he loves her and she will see him as soon as his new house is ready and we talked about how visits work and that she will be with her sisters and I will be with my friends when she sees daddy.

She is now cooking quiches for lunch with her sister.

feeling very low and so so tired. He has sent another one saying he
Didn't realise he made us all miserable, consider him done and gone out of our lives.

I've said he can have arranged contact with the children when I have seen my solicitor they are ready.

You did well. Keep talking to them as further questions will arise as particularly DS3 processes it in her mind. But it looks like she'll be fine. She has a great mum. :)

He's trying to guilt trip you, for something he and he alone has caused. Who the fuck wouldn't be miserable with someone who threatens to throw them down the stairs?!!! If he wanted to stay with you and the DC he should have behaved like a decent human being and whatever he threatens to tell DD3 the truth will always be there to counter it. All he has done is proved that you are doing the right thing not allowing contact at the moment, he's obviously not in the right mind set to handle things the right way with the children and protecting them is absolutely the right thing for you to be doing. His reaction just confirms that this needs to be done through official channels, court ordered access and, most probably, in a contact centre where he can be monitored to make sure the children are safe. Don't let his texts push you back down, this kind of behaviour from him is what got him where he is in the first place and validates each and every step you've taken so far to protect yourself and your girls. Might be an idea to block him from your phone for a few days now, give yourself some breathing space, you don't need him trying to make you feel bad for doing right by your girls

To remind you that he is only thinking of himself and not of what is best for your daughters I'd suggest changing his ring tone to "you're so vain" and his name to "self obsesssed prick"

Answer his questions - "are you saying I can't even text my own children?" "yes. You scared them when they heard you threaten to hurt me. They are upset and need calm while they process what you did"

You have been making good choices and this will all get sorted out soon. Am cheering you on.

Agree with Fern. All he's got is hollow, meaningless words now, to try and hurt u with. I would've blocked his no. Personally so that he couldn't even influence my mood and feelings from that mode of communication. Any other comm would b done via letter and official channels, just like in pre mobile/internet times. He still holds a certain amount of power if u react to his txts.
U could easily have gone straight bk to him with "Yes I'm goin to sit and explain to our daughter how she must mever let another person treat her how u saw fit to treat me all these yrs" etc etc....
Cos the irony is that when one of your daughters is an adult in an abusive relationship and ( all hypothetically obv ) she comes to her daddy for help, listing all the ways in which she is being treat badly ( exactly all the ways he's treat u! ) would he recognise that as abuse? Would he think it acceptable that his little girl be the victim of ill treatment, tell her to just get on with it etc?
Cos there is a very real chance of that happening if that's the way a cpl model their behaviour towards impressionable kids. Esp daughters who need a strong female role model, not sm weak, downtrodden, broken woman willing to accept any treatment without prioritizing the psychological welfare of the kids.
But somethin tells me he would have an issue with a guy treating his daughter in the same way he's treat u. Interesting that.....
All we can do is be honest with our kids. He may be their dad but that doesn't mean I'd b painting him as sm saint that can do no wrong. Bugger that! I'd b saying you've split up cos daddy isn't a very nice man and treat mammy in a nasty way that upset mammy and made her sad. How we shouldn't let people make us feel bad no matter who they are, how to stick up for ourselves against bullies etc etc.....

sent another one saying he Didn't realise he made us all miserable, consider him done and gone out of our lives.

Oh, if only...

But then again he'll never do what's best for anyone except himself

Don't respond, don't blink. Watch HIM try to fill the silence. He'll unravel, but that will show you how fucking determined he is to impose his needs over you all.

You will lose the fear of him when you see how pathetic he gets when he realises he's lost.

Radio silence.

You've made your points clear, nothing more to be said.

Don't respond, don't blink. Watch HIM try to fill the silence.
Yes to this.
I'd guess he'll give you enough evidence for court too.

Moomin has it bang on, absolute age appropriate truth, true openness, encourage them to open up to you, about how they feel, good and bad, listen to them, reassure them and keep reinforcing why he dad to go, and stay gone from your home.

So, because he's pissed off that because you forgot your place beneath him, and have dared to tell him no more, he's going to hurt his young daughter to put you back in your place?

Prick is too nice for him.

I truly feel he needs a new name and mumsnetters are excellent at this..

Abusers make us scurry around, controlling our lives WITH THE THREAT OF ACTION.

They are cowards, mostly they don't carry through on their threats because they don't need to.

So stop doing what your told, stop jumping, just stay exactly where you are and ignore them. Wait and see if shit happens.

When or if it does, then you have something to deal with. It's the one thing I learned, stop trying to tie myself up in knots anticipating what wrong I would do, what 'crime' I'd commit. Enough!