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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
fohamy12 · 12/02/2016 14:59

Keep going Dragons, onwards and upwards!Flowers

Andthentherewasmum · 12/02/2016 15:06

He's a prat isn't it! He doesn't get to store stuff with you anymore. Smacks of wanting to keep his options open so he can come back when he desperately needs his swimming kit. Hmm

Does he have family nearby? Might be worth discussing an arrangement with your solicitor whereby he has a deadline to collect all his stuff and store it with his family rather than a slow drip drip of needing access.

Just imaging Dragon raving round the garage! who-oop-who-oop, big fish little fish cardboard box Grin

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/02/2016 15:46

who-oop-who-oop, big fish little fish cardboard box

OK, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me... Grin

LadyLuck81 · 12/02/2016 16:01

Big fish - hands wide
Little fish - hands closer together
Cardboard box - move hands to demonstrate horizontal sides of box then vertical sides

Repeat in rhythm to music

It's sort of a dance Smile

blindsider · 12/02/2016 16:11

Make sure he takes everything in future. You're not his storage holder.

There is little to be gained from being wilfully antagonistic, presumably he is kipping on a mates floor or something, and they won't want unecessary clobber either. I haven't read the whole thread but presumably he is still paying for this house from which he is excluded.??

Andthentherewasmum · 12/02/2016 16:15

I think you should RTFT blindsider then you'd realise why your advice is off beam.

The police have taken it seriously enough to be supporting the OP in keeping him away. His 'rights' are not the primary concern the children's safety and well being is what's important here.

coffeeisnectar · 12/02/2016 17:43

Just caught up again. Dragon, you are doing brilliantly.

One of the things I found really good was rearranging furniture and changing things at home so it became mine not ours. If that makes sense? Getting all his stuff out was my priority too. It draws a line and makes it clear to them there is no going back.

Where he puts it isn't your problem.

Just amazed at your strength and determination. Really proud of you.

Hissy · 12/02/2016 17:46

Shame we can't report those who can't be arsed to go to the trouble of actually reading even the gist of a thread to gauge a smattering of insight RTFT before sharing their wisdom. Having their comments deleted would be more helpful than the bilge they post.

These people do so much harm on threads like these where an abuse victim has been terrorised and brainwashed into believing they are wrong for showing strength.

Relationships is a sensitive subject. A large thread gives a clue to the subject being less than a simple LTB or get over yourself thread.

DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 17:51

There may have been a bit of big fish little fish cardboard box dancing going on Grin

ALL of the things I left here that I knew he wouldn't have room for right now, where ever hs is is now packed into a very large suitcase and put in the garage.

I'm now the proud owner of tw double wardrobes all to myself which I have filled with my things already Blush

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2016 18:16

Yeah, not getting the fish/box thing. Hmmm, maybe that if you put a big fish and a little fish in a cardboard box they get stinky if you keep them too long? Kinda like wanker STBXs?

Two double wardrobes all to yourself? Now you're making me jealous!

DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 18:31

And the medication is obviously working because I'm not seeming to be able to spell full words correctly.

Guess what? Gok Wan was standing outside my house with a film crew a couple of hours ago, not that I'm a big fan or anything but my first thought was "you can fuck off if you think I'm getting naked I've hardly had a proper wash all week Blush

I obviously didn't creep upstairs and listen to him doing his opening lines, of course not, I wouldn't do that... The new show is called Gok's lunchbox.

I think they heard me laughing so I had to shut the window and duck.

OP posts:
dunfightin · 12/02/2016 18:40

You sound like you are in a kickass mood, go for it. And yes to doing a little rearranging of the furniture, thinking about how you'd like your place.
Hope the weekend goes well - try to keep the DDs busy and then straight into snuggle on the sofa time. Treat it all as a little holiday for you where the old rules have disappeared in smoke and you can work out what new things suit you all

LadyLuck81 · 12/02/2016 18:47

-puts on Gok's voice-

"You go, girlfriend"

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/02/2016 19:08

Joins in the big fish, little fish, cardboard box dancing - to say you go girl! Even if you don't feel it, you are being incredibly strong and brave, and yes "eminently admirable".

DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 19:25

Ok, he has emailed again to ask if he can see the children.

DD1 (13yr) and DD3 (11yr) do not want to speak to him or see him yet and incidentally they both have plans for tomorrow.

DD3 (7yr) is desperate to see him.

I obviously won't have him turn up here etc but just thinking about DDs needs, I really feel for her.

What do you think I should do.

I know he wouldn't try and keep her and he knows she doesn't know what happened and she thinks he is on a course for work.

OP posts:
GarlicBake · 12/02/2016 19:36

Your two sensible options are
[a] say no, not yet
[b] arrange for a trusted friend to accompany her

I'm inclined to recommend [a] for the moment, mainly as it's going to be disruptive for you and there's quite a lot on your plate already.

If you decide to allow it, then make it in a public place and with a chaperone for DD.

TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2016 19:51

i think 'he's on a course' has run its course and you need to tell her something more now.

given you haven't told her anything i'd suggest asking him to wait to see her till you have.

you're going to need to let her know that he won't be living there anymore.

ridemesideways · 12/02/2016 19:58

Why haven't you told DD3 yet Dragons?

I'd imagine she'd be in a vulnerable position with him, depending on how he wants to put things - he could tell her anything. And do you still not know where he lives?

Lweji · 12/02/2016 19:59

I agree you should tell her. Children don't thank us for lying to them and it's much better to clear the air for all.

DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 20:02

Thank you.

I'm running out of rave/dance/house CDs to listen to and now relying on you tube, any suggestions from my fellow big fish fans?

I've not listened to music or read a book for years, I used to do both every day.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 20:10

Selfishly I'm scared of not being able to cope with her reaction, I'm scared she will push to see him more and more and he will use that against me in a look at what you are doing to her.

Selfishly I can't begin to think of what words I would be able to say to my 7 year old, she isn't aware like the others and apart from being very shouty around her he never hurt her. She loves him

I'm scared that I'm only just coping with doing today and Dd1, I'm not even fit to work and I'm being a coward.

I'm going to tell him no to this weekend, she thinks he is coming home/taking her out next weekend and I will just have to tell her this weekend so we have the half term to deal with it.

OP posts:
GreenRug · 12/02/2016 20:13

My God OP, you are one strong woman! I've just read the full thread and am < seriously> impressed at your resolve..

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2016 20:16

I agree with perhaps waiting for DD3 to see her father until after you to talk to her. And I do think you need to talk to her. Her urgency about seeing him may have a lot to do with the 'vibes' she picking up and that she's sensing something but doesn't know what it is, iyswim. That can be scary-making for a child, especially as they tend to find a way to blame themselves for things.

Lweji · 12/02/2016 20:16

She may well surprise you.
All you have to say is that dad was too shouty and treated you and DD1 badly. That he has to stay away until he calms down and treats all of you properly. And that in time she'll be able to see him and be with him.
Children tend to be more upset when they don't understand what's going on. The more open and truthful you are the more she will trust you and be ok with whatever happens.

DragonsCanHop · 12/02/2016 20:26

Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without here.
My friends are amazing but all want stand by me what ever choice I make because I've changed my mind so many times and they are "friends" with him to.

I'm telling him no to this weekend and why and then I wil tell DD3 tomorrow.

OP posts:
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