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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 10/02/2016 07:52

I could NEVER forgive him for giving away your beloved doggie,,never.

Next step is not falling into the trap of his woe is me emails and relenting, that is going to be the hardest No. No, it won't be hard if you remember that he gave your dog away. Fucking bastard.

I'm sure he didn't want a devoted Rottweiler in the house. because that dog might well have protected you and gone for him.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/02/2016 08:01

I left the man I lived with when he kicked our cat. I'd stayed after he had hit me twice but kicking the cat, that he decided we were getting without any discussion with me, was a step too far.

Giving away a much loved family member - unforgivable.

mix56 · 10/02/2016 08:06

Yes...... it really is about "taking the light", it's why the abuse gets worse after children arrive, why they can't let you have a life, why they are horrible to their children, why they moan about the animals.....

IMO, they cannot unlearn this behaviour, it is in their DNA, often acerbated by fawning, enabling or abusive parents of their own.
Don't feel sorry for him he knows what he has done, he chose to do it.

You "love" the idea of who he was, or pertained to be, at the beginning of your relationship, & your desire for a united family, the whole package with security, love, support, companionship.
He has failed you on these 4 points, Nothing left to love is there ?

CockwombleJeff · 10/02/2016 10:00

OP I think you mean that hurting animals can indicate psychopathic tendencies .... Psychotic simply means someone who is "detached from reality" ie through hearing voices or having delusions Thanks.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 10/02/2016 10:06

The Assembly was good, got a seat right in the front with friends either side and DD standing right in front of me.

When it finished and we got to stay behind to look at the stone age rocks they had painted DD sobbed. She asked where daddy is and said she remembered that she hasn't seen him for a long time, I tried not to cry but couldn't and we ended up crouched in the hall, her teacher came and took her away and said they will give me a call at 10.30.

I called the doctors this morning, I need some more help, I've suffered in the past with depression and I feel like it's going to happen again, if it wasn't for the children I could honestly lose it. DD1 had to help me chose what to wear today, I couldn't think that far ahead I'm so ashamed that I can't cope, I need some more help, I feel like the world is watching me and closing in on every breath.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/02/2016 10:18

I know it's hard dragons and you've done so well.its no surprise that you feel overwhelmed.you've done the right thing (again) by calling the dr.take all the help you can get just now, you've every right to it and remember that you are being brave and strong even to recognise that you need the help and to ask for it.
Lots of people can't get it together enough e en go do that.It's the worst thing when the dc's show signs of distress as that's something you can't take away from them totally-although you desperately want to.you have done an admirable job in making sure they are doing as well as they are. Try to see this as as the worst of times.it will be horrible but it will not last forever.and you can do this.you can.It shines through all your posts what a great mum you have been and still are.keep doing that, as its all that counts for now and you and the girls will absolutely get through this.

Joysmum · 10/02/2016 10:20

That must have been heartbreaking Sad

I'm so glad you recognise that you've needed to catch this early and have made an appointment for the GP. You're so strong for doing that.

You ARE coping, you may not be coping in the way you ideally want to but YOU ARE COPING.

I know everyone reading your thread so admires you for your strength and determination, please don't take needing to get external help as being weak or that you aren't coping. Not coping is when you don't recognise that you need more help and so don't seek it and then sink.

Atm you're treading water in your pajamas. You feel weighted down like you'll sink but you aren't sinking. Keep on looking inwards as to what you and the kids needs and keep on getting the help you need as and when needed. If you don't know how to find that help, you've got an army of people to draw on with mumsnet so continue to use your thread to express yourself and get some options.

You are coping even though it's hard Flowers

cestlavielife · 10/02/2016 10:20

ask gp for referral to counselling urgently, you need a space to sound off in RL as well as on here . some areas even have specialist separation support services

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/02/2016 10:20

Also you know what, even if everyone is watching you and wondering what's happened what does it matter? You have done nothing wrong (unlike you your h) and everything right. I wouldn't imagine anyone but the most heinous of individuals would look at you with anything other than admiration right now.Plus next week there will be something else for people to speculate about, honestly.

Joysmum · 10/02/2016 10:23

Re counselling if that's what you need, you can go online to google for Italk services in your area.

You are able to self refer for CBT on there. My doctor said its just as quick to self refer as it would be for her to refer. If you need another type of counselling then your doc can advise on that or when Italk do their initial assessment they will refer you on to something more suitable.

cheeeseplease · 10/02/2016 10:36

Just read your whole thread. Just wanted to say I think you are amazing. Stay strong. So glad you're going to the doctor and looking after yourself
Flowers

desertmum · 10/02/2016 10:56

you are doing great dragon - you should be really proud of yourself. Keep remembering the joy and love which greeted you when you saw your beloved puppy - dogs know when humans are good and when they are bad. She sees the good inside you - keep hold of that. Your children eventually won't remember the tears at school, they will remember the peace that has descended over your house and over you. It is OK to need outside help.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/02/2016 11:54

So glad you enjoyed the assembly

I think it is quite telling that you being there and her daddy not has been the trigger to her realising she hasn't seen him for a while.

I hope you get what you need from the doctor.

AlisonWunderland · 10/02/2016 12:00

I love him but I don't like him or what he has done to us

The great dilemma, but you seem to understand it.

Interesting that you've got friends crawling out of the woodwork after barely a week.
Shows how much he was dividing you from a support network

Lweji · 10/02/2016 12:07

Tears are a great way to cope. It's fine.

So is asking for help.

You are going through a major upheaval, on the level of a bereavement. Of course you will struggle at some point.
You have been really strong and have kept it together so much that something has to give way.
Be kind to yourself.

mix56 · 10/02/2016 12:44

How did it go withe the solicitor Dragon ?
Do go to the doctor & get whatever help you need. if you can get some counselling maybe that way rather than medication. I say this as if XP discovers you are on ADs, & sleeping pills he will use this against you when fighting over the children, also, his team will probably accuse you of being a heavy drinker, & alcoholic......
Unfortunately there will be all sorts of mud slinging, so be prepared.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/02/2016 12:59

Next step is not falling into the trap of his woe is me emails and relenting, that is going to be the hardest

No. No, it won't be hard if you remember that he gave your dog away. Fucking bastard

Not only gave him away without any consultation, but justified it not being financially viable WTF? Angry I could understand if the dog was vicious and you couldn't see it, or something like that, but not this.

Good to know your friends are supporting you Dragons. Take all and any help you need.

Lweji · 10/02/2016 13:28

He could accuse you of anything, but he'd have to prove it.

He won't have drunken emails to show or you causing scenes at parties, or regular pub visits. The children will be well taken care of and several witnesses to that effect.

Not that he will want responsibility over the children.

The 13 year old will be heard and seriously taken into consideration as a witness and when choosing who to live with. Hopefully she will have enough confidence to know that she can't fix him or should even feel sorry for him. That she would be at risk living with him.

Being on ADs or on sleeping pills is only natural considering his abuse. And it only shows that you are seeking help rather than letting the situation put you down.

You have taken difficult steps to protect your children and keep having their best interest at heart. Everyone around you can see that.

Do not worry about it and get the help you need. Be it counselling or medicine, or both.

mix56 · 10/02/2016 13:36

Please don't think I am criticising re ADs.
I just know of someone who has an abuisve XP who has been royally shafted by the judge as XP has used ADs to prove her mentally unfit.

Lweji · 10/02/2016 13:39

It won't just be ADs. There will be other issues.

3WiseWomen · 10/02/2016 13:49

First thing first.
It is a sign of strength to reach for help when you need instead of carrying on and putting your head in the sand. Bel;ieve me as soomeoine who has done that numerous times, I know that it can feel like you are a failure to ask for help but it actually shows exactely the opposite!!

Go, just go and ask for support from your GP. You need it and you deserve it!!

GarlicBake · 10/02/2016 13:51

Just to reaffirm, using medication and counselling to manage your mental wellness does NOT signal unfitness. Half the country's on one or the other!

I'm afraid your friend must have had other problems, mix. Perhaps she wasn't taking her meds (which can lead to 'unfitness', depending on the background,) or was self-medicating inappropriately. I'm sorry this happened to her, it can't have helped any.

Borninthe60s · 10/02/2016 13:54

OP totally with you and supportive of all you're doing but please be careful opening his emails I think it might get you into trouble if he realises. If you're going to read them just don't tell us Wink

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 13:59

There is nothing wrong with asking for help when we are struggling. It's actually a sign of strength when we can recognize our struggles and reach out!

I think seeing a counselor is an excellent, excellent idea.

skyeskyeskye · 10/02/2016 14:07

OP, I went on ad's after XH walked out and my doctor just likened it to a pill for headache, except this is a pill for your brain.

My solicitor said that actually being on AD's and having counselling shows that you are addressing your issues, in order to create a normal stable family life for your child/ren, so he didn't think it would create a problem if it came to court.