Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 09/02/2016 20:02

Also stop feeling sorry for him, remember HE CAUSED ALL OF THIS, not you. If you find yourself wavering and feeling sorry for him again just remember what he did.

mix56 · 09/02/2016 20:17

Well orchestrated Dragons...... you did exactly the right thing.
Sad as it may be, IMO, all your girls need to know where you are "at" and & the rules you have made.
as luck (or not) would have it, some of us MNers have had experience of this fuckwittery so able to give pointers.... You are only just learning the moves...
Bloody Well Done

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 20:33

Dragon just wanted to say how amazing you have been!!
Carry on :)

Anaffaquine123 · 09/02/2016 21:47

Well done, you are doing well. Keep going!

wearymum73 · 09/02/2016 21:52

Dragons, I have been reading your post since the beginning, and I really admire how strong you have been...you have coped this week amazingly.
You mentioned yesterday if you would be able to keep your house, and I would like to share what happened in my divorce, I could afford the mortgage payments myself, and during the financial agreement it was agreed that the mortgage was transferred over to me, and I do not have to pay him his Share of the house equity until my youngest is 18. So I can keep on living in my home for another 10 years, before I have to pay his share.
A lot can happen in 10 years, you will be earning a lot more and paying him off then would be a lot easier than paying his share now.

CockwombleJeff · 09/02/2016 21:56

Dragons you are an absolutely wonderful woman and mother.

A real inspiration for many women and a superb role model for your children Thanks

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 22:22

I keep losing long posts and haven't got much energy left to type it all again but I do have something I want to share.

It's not this bit though: so he has emailed, it's the script blah blah blah, wants to change, feels unhappy, now knows he needs us yada yada.

I want to reply and tell him in no uncertain terms I am pleased he wants to make himepself happier and wish him all the best but it's not happening under this roof. As much as I feel for him he needs to step up and make sure we are financially comfy whilst I sort things my end (thank you weary that is what I am hoping for) and in turn he can negotiate contact through me but it is over for good, he had his first, second, third and many more chances over the years and no is no

This is what I want to share, some won't get it but I'm hoping some one does.

Just over 2 years ago we rescued a 6m old puppy, it was a family decision and something he back tracked on the moment we bought her home, he was never mean to her but he resented how much love and time I gave her, she was miss treated and needed a lot of patience. I was working part time then and paid a lovely, insured lady to walk her during the day and then I did it off an evening and then puppy classes at the weekend. He complained constantly about her and it really got me down. He said she was financially not viable (I was raw feeding, paying an insured walker, taking her to the vet etc)

I loved her unconditionally and she did me but she didn't really like him, after 10 months and I was back on the ADs he arranged for the dog walker to adopt her and I haven't seen her since, that was 18mounths ago.

I called the lady today just out if the blue, no idea where the thought came from and explained what is happening and asked if she thought it would be ok for me to see Roxie for a cuddle and she said yes!

That baby girl greeted me like a long lost friend, she bowled me over and layed her self all over me, looking deep in my eyes, she sat on my lap - no mean feat for a 3yr old Rottweiler and little old me, that's the first time I have properly cried and that puppy dog held me and looked at me in the eye with a big slobbery doggie kiss (yuck)

I can go back when ever I need a cuddle.

I'm not going to reply to his email tonight, it's got late and I just want to go to bed remembering that doggie cuddle. Actually I want to drink a bottle of wine and sob my heart out but there you go.

Another day done

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 09/02/2016 22:30

That is soo lovely, bless you. Smile That doggie knew the state of play and got her loyalties right, no mistake. Even she knew he was a wanker! And they never forget kindness either....

Glad you´ve got another one nailed, you´re stronger every single day.

Your ex is still a big, predictable dickhead tho! So we´re now at the Grovelling Stage then.......Hmm Bloody loser! Angry

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/02/2016 22:37

I - ahem - seem to have something iny eye... Smile

Lweji · 09/02/2016 22:42

I hope you can get the dog back or a new puppy eventually.

The first time I really was sure exH was mean, rather than it being me was when we got a kitten for ds and I saw how he tortured the little one. I basically told him I'd divorce him if he continued. The cat used to hide when I was out, which he doesn't do now. The poor cat suffered injuries when I was out that I think were not accidental but can't prove.

PacificDogwod · 09/02/2016 22:43

I was not going to post again as I really have nothing to add to all the knowledgable posters and their advice, but a. bloody well done for supporting your DCs through this and being their parent and b. I so totally get how much the doggy love meant/means to you - that must be the most lovely thing I've read in a long while

I hope you will at some point read back this thread and see how you have gone from strength to strength Thanks

kinkytoes · 09/02/2016 22:45

What a gorgeous tale of your meeting with that lovely dog today. Animals are so healing. Maybe one day when things are settled you can have a pet again. One of the first things my mum did after my dad left was to get the cat she always wanted and he never let her have!

You played a blinder today OP. Well done on all counts. Keep going, you're fab.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 23:04

My girl - to add to my other 3 darlings. I've sobbed more tonight than I have all week and it will be one week this evening since my life changed

Someone called the police for DV
OP posts:
Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 23:10

lweji that is horrible, so vile. One of the domestic violence questions was about harming pets. It's a psychotic tendency and shows true vile tendancies.

Give your cat an extra cuddle from me please Smile

It's DD3s assembly tomorrow and I don't normally get to go because of work. I'm going to be front of line to get front seats and I'm saving seats for some lovely new mum friends that have come out of the woodwork to support me.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day and I will reply to his email after the assembly.

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 09/02/2016 23:32

Have you alerted the schools not to permit him to pick up the DC?

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 23:38

Yes, junior school I spoke to in person. Then emailed the senior school who replied today with a lovely helpful I formative email with links.

The senior girls can have pass cards where if they feel a class or its all too much can just show the pass and go to pastoral care.

Honestly, I've done everything I can.

Next step is not falling into the trap of his woe is me emails and relenting, that is going to be the hardest part because I've always cracked at the point.

I love him but I don't like him or what he has done to us.

I will do this

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/02/2016 23:49

Sweetheart, you really are doing so well! Lovely dog reunion!

Abusers hate competition for our attention

ridemesideways · 09/02/2016 23:52

You ARE doing this Smile

Remember that a man worthy of your love would quietly take himself off, ask for nothing from you or the girls right now (as his behaviour deserves no respect) and sort himself out with dignity. He sounds completely self-absorbed at best.

Your doggie meeting sounds like confirmation of a joy (in you) that you had long forgotten Flowers

dunfightin · 09/02/2016 23:59

Prioritise finding a solicitor and then for the time being all communication can go through them. Phone WA and see if they can give you a list of local solicitors who have experience in DV. What you need is a Shit Hot Lawyer.
MNetters have found this particular breed fantastic in stopping the "woe is me" stuff getting to you.
My particular SHL batted off ex who claimed via his solicitor that he didn't need to go on a DV perpetrator's course to have unsupervised contact. Fortunately SHL repeated the same message until he went to court and the judge agreed. No it hasn't stopped ex playing games and attempting to manipulate DCs but having a framework and using the time to shore up your boundaries is a very useful breathing space.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 00:13

Yes, you WILL do this. Just remember, you no longer have to say 'how high' when he says 'jump'. Any communications you get you can sit on. So if he emails you some sob story just tell yourself 'I don't have to deal with this now' and set it aside. A day or two may give you the perspective to either ignore or draft a response.

I remember when I was separated from my EA ex it took me a while to realize how conditioned I was to jumping at his every command. It was almost as automatic a response as breathing. I just felt I had to do something immediately so I didn't 'get in trouble' or 'upset him'. So the minute you get something from him or he demands something from you remember to STOP, THINK, and SAY "Let me get back to you", unless it's something YOU think needs immediate action.

You're starting to 'unlearn' the habits of your years with him. You're doing fine. Give yourself a break and don't demand the 'perfection' that he demanded from you. You're only human.

TawnyGrisette · 10/02/2016 00:42

Oh Dragons your rottie reuniun made me cry! No wonder he didn't want to keep her - she would have loyally defended you when he tried to hurt you (I grew up with rotties, and woe betide anyone who was a threat to us).

readyforno2 · 10/02/2016 02:12

Dragons, you sound like an amazing mum. You are being incredibly strong and doing the best for your lovely dd's. You did exactly the right thing tonight re the dinner with their 'd'f and your dd's comment proves that.

readyforno2 · 10/02/2016 02:13

Meant to say, enjoy the assembly tomorrow I'm sure your dd will be thrilled to have you there Thanks

Andthentherewasmum · 10/02/2016 06:31

You are doing great.

Sounds really corny but can you put together an inspiration board of stuff that motivates you? So everything you have a wobble about giving in to him you've got something there that will instantly realign your thinking. Maybe a picture of your dog, things YOU want to do in the future, that sort of thing. So you are looking forward not being dragged back into the past.

When I was going through a really tough time this helped me keep the faith.

Lweji · 10/02/2016 06:58

As others said you are doing great.

Definitely wait until replying to emails and don't check them every day. Only when you are feeling strong.

I hope assembly goes well and he doesn't know about it. Enjoy being with all your supporters. :)

You are quite right about animals. Mine is the most trusting sweetest of cats. The story is not supposed to be about me but to illustrate a pattern in that it's definitely them not any of us or the animals.