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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/02/2016 14:10

You're not useless. It's easy for me, I'm just sitting at work. You're living this.

Safer Places and the NADV sound good, hopefully they'll answer soon. They might be in a post lunch rush.

Friendlystories · 09/02/2016 14:16

Is it worth explaining to DD1 in simple terms that you need to do things a certain way because of what happened that night and because the police were involved (assuming she knows that) and that until all that's been sorted out she can only speak to him by phone? I don't know whether you've broached the fact that he won't be coming back with her or whether she's heard you mention solicitors or anything and obviously you don't want to overload her with 'adult stuff' but I'm just thinking if she understood to some degree that there's a legal process you have to follow because of what he did it might stop her blaming you for stopping her from seeing him. Feel like I've explained that really clumsily but hope you get the gist of what I mean.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 14:23

I've been through giving every chance and believing good intentions to just regret it.

The emotional blackmail, suicide threats, acting as if it was nothing, as if it was all over, the apologies and backtracking, the accusations, the surprise appearances.

This will be a first manipulative approach. I bet many of us would be able to predict the script that follows. And giving in now won't guarantee he will leave you in peace.
He knows you won't know what to do. That his dds love him and are easily manipulated. He'll probably be a broken and sorry dad with nowhere to go. He knows you won't want to make a scene in front of them.

I'd just say it's too early for dinners together and he's welcome to phone them. Or arrange a proper contact centre. Because he can't be fully trusted to treat the children properly.
I wouldn't mention an injunction.
He may threaten with court. Tell him to do it.

Friendlystories · 09/02/2016 14:24

Sorry I took ages to type that so I've answered the bit about worrying that DD1 will hate you rather than what you send him. I would just tell him you will be putting something in place so he can see the girls but that you don't think anyone is ready for that just yet after the way he behaved. Offer phone or Skype contact (whichever you're comfortable with) instead for now and say you will let him know about contact once everyone's had a bit more time for everything to settle down. Words to that effect anyway, makes it clear that all this is happening because of what he did and that you're putting the girls' best interests first.

Andthentherewasmum · 09/02/2016 14:33

I would say to them that because of what happened you all need to take things very slowly at the moment to make sure everyone is okay. It's as much protecting dad from himself as it is protecting them from any more outbursts. Don't underplay the seriousness of the situation but obviously no need to scare them. It needs to be acknowledged so that if he tries to gaslight them in the future you are confirming the truth of the matter.

You are on their side 100% and would love for them to have a relationship with their dad, so to make that happen it's best not to rush things when they are starting to settle down. This is about building a long term stable situation and they can help with that.

You understand they are concerned about their dad which is why they should Skype him tonight and have a long chat with him.

To him I would text back and say

It is not appropriate at this stage; however DD1 would love to Skype with you instead. We will work out an arrangement to facilitate contact between us.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 14:43

What about explains to DD1 that there is an injunction and until dad receives it he could get in trouble for taking them out of the house?

Then sending this to the manipulative fucker:

DD1 has said you have text and invited them out for dinner this evening. X isn't coping very well with all of this and it is very unfair to expect her to make any decisions right now.
DD3 has not realised yet that you are not here and only asked once on Friday when I said she could sleep in my bed and I said you are on a course, she hasn't mentioned you again so dinner tonight would just be confusing for her and DD2 already has plans
You need to contact me to arrange these things and not the children, maybe FaceTime and have a conversation with them instead of just thinking you can take them out and away from the house.
They are still not right after what happened and their needs need to be put before anything else.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2016 14:49

I think the reply is basically fine.
You might add that they deserve an apology from him, but that would only be doing his job for him.

But I wouldn't mention injunctions to the children or him.

Friendlystories · 09/02/2016 14:55

That sounds fine for DD1 as long as you're confident she will understand the basics of what an injunction is and that it's necessary because of what he did. As for him I would definitely include the part about contacting you rather than the DC and that they still need time to settle after what he did, I'm not sure I would include quite so much detail about the rest though. I would keep any communication to bare minimum and avoid including too much info about what the girls are doing or your lives in general tbh. The fact that he's texting them direct means the less you say the less chance there is of him using it to manipulate or guilt trip them.

Friendlystories · 09/02/2016 15:01

Hmm, just read Lweji's post and think I agree about not using the word injunction actually. Think I would go with the stuff I mentioned about needing to do things a certain way because of what he did etc instead. Again the fact that he's talking to the DC direct means you need to be careful to keep things fairly vague for now and avoid any eruptions until the injunction is in place.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 15:10

He needs to understand that arrangements for the children must be made between the two of you.

"DD1 has said that you texted and invited them to dinner. In future please remember that ALL arrangements to do with the children are to be made between the two of us. Please do not involve the children. If you wish to see to the children, you are free to FaceTime them any time between (insert non disruptive times). At this time I feel it is better if you see the children (insert your preference), so they will not be available for dinner tonight."

As far as the children, remember that we as parents often have to make decisions in their best interest that make them unhappy. But they do get over it in the long run. I agree with a PP that I wouldn't mention the injunction. The more the children can be kept out of the 'legal shit' the better. You'll probably have to talk about it once he's served, but I think it can wait until then.

I realize that due to the time difference (it's early AM here) this all may be water under the bridge by now. But you need to take the reins on arranging contact as soon as possible.

parsnipthecat · 09/02/2016 15:17

Keep up the good work, Dragons, you're doing so well looking after your children and yourself. There's some good advice on here.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 09/02/2016 16:03

I would explain to dd1 that the dinner can't happen due to what went on last week but that at some point very soon it will be ironed out to the extent that they can all choose to see him. And then facilitate Skype etc for tonight. Think you should just message him that the girls are upset and that you don't think dinner tonight would be in their best interests and for now he needs to respect that.
With re family tax credits-you will be entitled to some-I earn a bit more than you and exh earns a lot more than me-and I still get just over 200 a month-they take into account just your income if it's a sole claim.I was surprised by that but it's been a godsend for me.
You are doing amazingly well dragons-lots of love to you-hang in there kid.

shoeaddict83 · 09/02/2016 16:18

Dragon ive been following this thread and have nothing to add except to say ive been in Awe of how you are dealing with this. You are doing amazing and are being so strong, your daughters would be proud if they could understand what was happening. Hang in there and do not let this man grind you down.
thinking of you Flowers

mix56 · 09/02/2016 16:21

you can record the Skype convo......so that if he asks if you are there, they can say no, but you can find out later. What worries me, are things like,
"I'm sorry, blablabla, I would love to come home with the new puppy you long for but mummy says no....." etc

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 16:31

I think I'd sit 'off camera' for any Skype. Better to stop him from saying anything negative or emotionally-blackmaily than to try to clean up the 'mess' afterwards.

mix56 · 09/02/2016 16:45

You're right Across, I was just thinking DD1 can call him anytime, & he can say what he wants. but they Skype & he thought you weren't there, you could catch him out by recording & reviewing, (plus proof of any manipulation)

Lweji · 09/02/2016 17:00

I used to tape skype calls, yes.
But I told him I was recording them. It stopped the emotional abuse, actually. And it meant that they would be admissible in court because he had been informed.

dunfightin · 09/02/2016 17:00

I would wait until you've seen a solicitor and take their advice. If you want an injunction you are basically saying he is a danger so it would then seem odd to let DDs spent time alone with a dangerous person - sort of you can't have your cake and eat it.
It may be better to have everything through a solicitor for a bit

AdoraBell · 09/02/2016 17:33

Tell DD1 that arrangements must be made with you - the parent - and it just isn't possible for today. Could you do her favourite meal at home?

And well done on the work front.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 18:19

There is another problem with his message, which is timing.
It was sent today to have dinner today.

Contact should, ideally, be arranged more in advance. You could easily have plans or arranged things for dinner.

It will be worth telling him what you expect for for contact arrangements. How far in advance and all the details. A relaxed setting is highly conducive to more stress and more abuse.

Original poster
DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 19:01

It hank you again for all the advice I would have let him take the girls to dinner out of pure sympathy for him missing them. I would have let him take them away from the house, not knowing where he is living and when he would be brining them back - madness.

I sent the text and have had no reply. He had arranged further with DD1 to pick them up at 5.30. I don't know if he turned up because I locked the house up and took the girls out for dinner.

I explained that as much as I won't stop them seeing their dad things are very serious at the moment and I'm putting things in place to keep us in our home and safe and any arrangements need to be organised by me and him and not involve them. I said I would arranged a face time call if they wanted but they both said no.

DD1 admitted she didn't actually want to go but felt bad saying no to him.

I've shown them the email from the school with all the options of support in school if they wish to speak to someone that isn't just me. And then we enjoyed a burger and chips, I was starving!

Just finishing up homework and then off to bed.

Another, very exhausting day finished

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2016 19:07

DD1 admitted she didn't actually want to go but felt bad saying no to him.

Exactly why adults should be making these decisions. Even if she had decided to say no, it should always be you to tell him no.

Glad dinner out with the children was good, though. :)

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 09/02/2016 19:40

Well done dragons.I think that was the right thing...

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 19:46

Very well done! If it can be done delicately, tell the children that if he tries to arrange things with them again, they should say "I don't know, you'll have to talk to Mummy".

AmIbeingTreasonable · 09/02/2016 20:01

You must block his access to contacting the children directly, you telling him not to will not stop him, he will try to manipulate them to get at you, block him on their phones or if that is not possible you may have to remove their phones for the time being.
It is imperative that he does not go behind your back to them, which he will continue to do if you don't actively stop it. This is all part of protecting them, the mental stuff is just as important as the physical, sometimes even more so.

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