Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 ··· 35 36

Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:

Lweji · 08/02/2016 22:47

Yes, it's quite stressing thinking what they may do next, but while keeping our eyes open we have to get on. Sometimes no news just mean that they are getting on with their lives. If he may have someone else, he could be staying with her. Or he could have found some temporary accommodation, a flat share, even a flat.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 08/02/2016 23:12

Of course you can teddy honestly, if I can anyone can.

Lweji you know how I feel about your help, who knows and best is, I don't care as long as it could just stay how it is now.

OP posts:

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 08/02/2016 23:19

I have read all the thread, can't offer any more advise, but I have to say what a lovely person you sound.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/02/2016 23:29

Perhaps he's keeping quiet because the police gave found him to give him the visit I think they said they would, but perhaps nobody from the police have trickled that info through to you yet.

Only idea I have... Sorry

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2016 23:30

There's no way to second guess him and no point in trying. As Hagrid said: “What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does".

Right now try to expend your energy in things you can do, rather than wasting it worrying about something you can't do anything about until it happens.

Find a solicitor. Do you have any relatives or friends who have had a good divorce solicitor?

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 08/02/2016 23:35

Thank you piper I am so out of my confiort zone it's set my anxiety through the rough.

But

It will be a week tomorrow and this time last week I didn't know it was coming, and then incouldn't cope at work and then I ended up sobbing on my GP and now I'm not taking the Diazipam or drinking alcohol.

I had a great day at work and I'm looking forward to this next week, my life is so much better, I know it's about to get worse, he won't stay silent for ever but I'm ready.

And I have more now in friendship and kindness than I have he in the last 3 years because he stopped that.

OP posts:

lazymoz · 08/02/2016 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KiwiLaura · 09/02/2016 00:15

Maybe as another poster said he's had a talking go from the police.

Wishing you the best. You're doing so well.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 09/02/2016 00:42

meditation apps I used some of these when my anxiety was rampant. Have a look, might be worth a shot. Hang in there.

mix56 · 09/02/2016 10:05

Does he have family/parents ? suggest you send brief email, saying that he is no longer living at X address. keep it short, if they they want more info they can ask him.
Could he be staying with them ?
I imagine, he is seeing solicitor & finding out how to make your life as unpleasant as possible, PLUS will know silence will be confusing for you.
Keep on exactly as you are, he will at some point want to see his children.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 11:04

He text DD1 this morning asking if they all want to go for dinner this evening. DD1 wants to go (that is fine) DD3 is still oblivious that he isn't here and hasn't asked about him so she will also go but DD2 is adamant she never wants to see him again.

The last from safer places called. I now have a solicitor app next week and I'm meeting her for coffee tomorrow.

I'm working from home and also calling all the house hold bills to tell them he doesn't live here any more, get my name on them and request paper copies start being sent to the house again.

what do I need to take to the solicitors?

OP posts:

mix56 · 09/02/2016 12:33

I would take ID, NH number, last tax return, pay slips, house deeds, his pay slips, proof of savings/pension.
basically anything you can get hold of ! altho she will tell you what she needs.

Make some notes of questions before going, & write the replies, as often there is SO much info in one go, you can't absorb it all.
Well done !
re the girls, this is when DD3 suddenly discovers daddy has left. I hope he doesn't lay it on thick, with blame & claims of innocence ....... I think he should take them out on Friday, when you have the w/e to deal with the fall out.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 12:38

TBH, I wouldn't allow. Mainly, but not only, because they were the ones he freaked out with that night.

At this point I'd insist on supervised contact, particularly for the younger.

It also depends on what you asked for on your injunction request. Keep in mind that showing too much trust in him could invalidate the injunction.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 13:05

DD1 wants to make sure he is ok, she is only 13 and so confused where DD2 is just angry all the time.

I think I will text him and tell him DD3 hasn't asked about where he is, he isn't to discuss anything with them about me and him and as far as DD2 if she asks he needs to tell her he is way with work.

I've given him the new email address and wil, tell him short visits to be arranged through me after this one.

Injunction is to keep him away from the house, he wouldn't lose it with them just at dinner but I wouldn't trust him all day and especially not overnight.
What do you think?

OP posts:

mix56 · 09/02/2016 13:07

how old is DD1 ? Does she understand what is going on ? if He starts "manipulating", will she see it for what it is, & say she's had enough & wants to go home? will she be able to protect DD3 from being fed the wrong story ?

Lweji · 09/02/2016 13:09

I'd start slowly. Let them speak on the phone (loudspeaker) and see how it goes. Maybe skype if possible.
See if he can be sensible or start with any emotional blackmail.

Taking them all out is still a big step and do you trust him not to try and sneak back in the house with the children in tow?

It will be different when the injunction is in place.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/02/2016 13:17

I wouldn't do dinner tonight. 13 is one of those ages where you think you know it all but she'd be easily manipulated and shes not old enough to protect the younger. I'd also be worried about whether he plans to return the children, and if he's going to set them "secret tasks".

Once you've got an injunction, I'd start slowly with supervised phone calls. Until then, he can wait. They are healing and they don't need him unsettling them and opening old wounds right now.

Buttercup27 · 09/02/2016 13:27

Very late to this thread, but I think you are doing amazingly!
I would be very wary of letting your dds go anywhere with him. I would worry about manipulation and him not returning them at the end of the evening.

Stay strong !

Buttercup27 · 09/02/2016 13:28

Cross posts with anchor but I'm glad I'm not the only one who is suspicious of his motives.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 13:39

Oh my god, I'm useless at this, I hadn't thought of any of that.

Shall I text him and say no for tonight, he will go mental, he hasn't seen them in a week.

He will bring them back, he is too much of a selfish twat to want any responsibility for them.

Will DD1 13 hate me for not letting her go.

I'm so angry, why doesn't he ask me first not just go straight to her. I don't know what to do again!

OP posts:

stealtheatingtunnocks · 09/02/2016 13:43

Suspect he asked her first so you'd feel like you do right now, Dragons.

It's manipulative.

Say no to going out - offer Skype and supervised access with someone you trust.

You don't need to worry about him going mental any more.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 13:47

At that age it shouldn't be their responsibility to choose, although they should be heard.

In fact, it's better if they don't have to choose between father and mother, so taking away their choice can work out better. He can still reassure her that he is fine, if that is what she is worried about, but I'd explain that, considering his previous behaviour, I was more worried about he treated her than how well he was doing or not. He is not her responsibility, nor yours.

Buttercup27 · 09/02/2016 13:47

You are not useless! And I agree with stealth he's trying to make you the bad guy by saying no.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 13:50

How would it work out? He'd pick them up from the house? Then drop them off?
I'd bet he would do his best to gain entry again using them.

If you do allow it, make sure he agrees in a message that he returns them at X time, and do the hand over in a public place away from home. Even better if you collect them from the restaurant.

But this is why contact centres exist. They can make sure he stays there until you have had time to get home.
Why not check the contact centres in your area and suggest instead that he arranges contact there?

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/02/2016 14:02

I'm trying to call safer places and NADV who I sent the injunction paperwork via email to but no one is answering the phone.

I can't think straight

What do I send him? He won't know about the injunction yet

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 ··· 35 36