Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

He seems to think he can manipulate you still. What an arse.

Are you approaching the point where your inner tigress is about to go boom? It kind of sounds like it. I think you should let her loose along with the hellfire fury she will pour on this abusive idiot who seems to think you're an/his idiot. Pfftt ...

You're awesome, your actions are wide awake and awesome. It's YOUR time and space now. He outlived his when he became his true shittiness.

(sic) outlived his place in it when ...

One time I split up with an ex, when I went out I left my front door key in the lock inside, slightly turned, and left by the back door taking the back door key with me.
Ex didn't have a backdoor key. But I hadn't changed the locks......

OP do you think maybe you should block him again?

I didn't block him but I also didn't take a Diazipam and go to bed.

I logged onto his personal email account and found that he is staying at a travel lodge till tomorrow, I screen shot that and then phoned 101 and spoke to a policeman.

He said I can change the locks and whilst I'm in the house he has no right to gain entry but if I'm out he can break in, he advised me to change the locks.

He gAve me a current domestic violence offence police ref number, a number to call in the morning and took details of where "D"H is staying.

I told him anxious the children are and how manipulative he is being with the girls phones and read the texts I have received and he said they are text book.

I'm scared, angry and so ready to get this all over with

Have lurked up til now OP as haven't had anything useful to add but agree with everyone else that you've been amazing, for yourself and your girls. With regard to this injunction paperwork, don't be afraid to ask for some help, ring them and tell them you're struggling with it, I doubt you'll be the first. Forms can be horribly intimidating at first glance but it will turn out to be easier than you expect, especially if you ask someone experienced to help you. You may well find if you ring someone will go through it with you step by step. Don't be tempted to avoid filling it in though, you've done harder stuff than this already this week and it's important

I logged onto his personal email account and found that he is staying at a travel lodge till tomorrow,

Ooh, stealth detective work OP. Well done!

Sorry dragons I thought you said the rent was on the credit card! Keep strong, you are being a great role model for your girls.

Have you made made progress with the locks? These are textbook Responses. Nobody can fix him as this is him. He is a nasty, manipulative abuser. Block his number. Do it now. Theres no nees to receive texts from him. He will keep changing his tact until he finds the tone / words that weaken you. Dont give him that power. Block his number.

As other PP have said, he is continuing the cycle of abusive relationships that he's grown up with and are normal to him. YOU are showing yourself to be stronger by breaking the cycle. He is a bully and you are teaching your lovely girls that being bullied is not acceptable and that there are dire consequences for the bullies, not the victims.

You're protecting your cubs, Lioness, and giving them an awesome role model.

I had a little lie in after my late night. The girls are sleeping better now DD1 & DD3 are sharing a bed although DD1 admitted she woke at 3am and wandered the house checking the locks

I've had a shower and washed my hair - first time since Thursday

I called the number for the safe guarding team and the lady insisted that she wants to send someone around again today, she was so nice but said I'm blocking things out and probably have missed telling them stuff she said he needs to be arrested because we can't live like this. I've blocked his number because I have started to feel a bit sorry for him and that just can't happen, I will not have my daughters living in fear.

My 7 year old still hasn't twigged he isn't here and is as happy as Larry, currently eating dippy eggs on the forbidden from food living room carpet watching Tom and Jerry, all is calm.

I need to get some help for DD1 and me, we have bed sheets all over the exposed back windows and knowing he has no where to go after today just makes the fear stronger.

fohamy I said he could use the credit card to rent some where, sorry for the confusion*

When the new officers get here I'm going to ask for help with the injunction paperwork and friends have offered to chip in and help pay for it.

Many people crash at friends until they find a more permanent place to stay. If he has any actual friends he probably doesn't want to tell them why he needs to sleep elsewhere. Which is typical.

Actually, Lweji, I would think that is one reason so many exes start with the demonising stories. After all, it would be hard to get a friends floor to sleep on if they told the truth, wouldn't it?

Dragons, good work so far. I am amazed that you have recognised your go to response of feeling responsible/sorry for him so clearly. Keep that in mind. You will get through this xx

Don't worry about him. He can get more nights at travelodge surely. He's on a big salary. I expect he's got other pots of money that you don't know about. Bet he gets a nice fat bonus that he syphons off.

hang in there. take all fo the support that is offered. it's so easy to say no reflexively because you think you should be able to do everything yourself but it is nonsense really. we need people and we need help when things get tough - if it's on offer grab it.

He has been doing something with our money, I don't know what but the few friends I have confided in and told of our income are appalled at how little I have for the house and girls each and every month.

There are debts that I knew about but others I didn't and there is no way that debt money was spent on us in this home.

I know I'm going to discover something big soon, I can feel it. I know for near certain now that their was/is someone else, she is married and at our company. Fucking good luck to the pair of them.

Is there any chance at all, debts aside that we (the children and I) can stay in the family home, DD1 is only 7?

Bumping for your Dragon as no one has answered and I don't know.

Deep breaths.

Talk to a solicitor. You really need legal financial advise and only a solicitor can give it to you.

Get what financial records you can. Was your joint account used for the household expenses? Get copies of the statements. I know he had his own account, but a solicitor can look at what he put into the account vs what his salary is to determine what the actual 'leftover' money was that he may have spent 'elsewhere'. They'll request his bank statements as part of the financial settlement. He'll also be required to complete a financial statement. If you can safely get into his email, look for receipts or electronic banking/credit card statements, including in his email 'trash' and 'sent' folders. As far as the house, there are ways and ways but again, only a solicitor will be able to advise you.

If you have mutual friends you can trust and forgive now is the time to ask them if there's anything they know that you should know and that you'll not hold any grudges. But also remember that you need to be very discreet about what you tell them so they can't leak things back to him, unintentionally or otherwise.

Oh, and a word of caution, probably unneeded.

I know you work for the same company. Please resist the temptation to use any access you may have as part of your job to look at any of his (or 'her') personnel records unless you have a legitimate work reason to do so. Most company computer security systems can track PINs and they'd be able to back-track to you.

Acrossthepond there is no way in the world I would every compromise my position with the company.

As much as I love my job and if I do say so myself I'm a go to and known as someone who will know what to do when no one else does I do think I'm going to have to look for some where else to work and I would never want to leave under that sort of underhanded cloud.

Honestly, they are welcome to each other. All I care about is trying to keep the house and our children happy.

I've just sat and done an online housing benefit and council tax form and I'm entitled to the grand total of zero. Council tax would be £26.90 per week.

Gosh what a horrible time you've been having.

Well done for carrying on going even when it's all so overwhelming.

I felt sure you wouldn't. I used to work where there were numerous national data bases, and when a cousin went through a divorce (back when the earth was cooling) it was very tempting to use them as we knew he was hiding income, but I didn't.

But I will admit (now that I'm long retired) to having a peek at some prospective boyfriends to judge their 'sponge-worthiness' (Seinfeld reference). This was back in the early days when computer tracking wasn't what it is today.

Give yourself time before you decide to change jobs. After things settle a bit you may find you can deal with it. I had to work with an ex-LTR and although it was very hard at first in the end I was glad I didn't give in to the impulse to cut and run.

I'm a bit of a letter writer and I've just found my folder from when I tried to leave him in 2012, it has out of date payslips, P60s and forms from the benefits office in but also copies of emails and letters I wrote to him.

They are asking him to explain about the women's texting that she loves him in 2007, asking him to be honest about where he stayed the night I was rushed in to hosp haemorging with a late MC, explaining how founding all the texts between this women at work made me feel and begging him to tell the truth in 2012. I even promised to stay if he just told me the truth. There is a letter about where I had cried drunkenly with DD1 who would have been 10 then and how she had heard him push me around and scream at me.

Horrible horrible horrible things to read and oh. How much I had forgotten and swept under the carpet.

I have just read the whole thread.

Dragon, you are amazing. AMAZING. You might not feel strong, but true strength is shown by facing the most awful things and somehow overcoming them. You are doing exactly that right now. Be proud of yourself.