Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

What about the non moleatation order? Will yoou do that now that there is some money on the account?
And would that be enough to 'allow' you to change the lock?

The suggestion to add a lock that's in when you're in seems good to me and changing your own online password seems necessary in the situation now. He can get his own logon to the joint account easily enough.

Dragons can't leave her house if she's scared of H invading the home and only has an inside lock.

I'd change the locks anyway. He has the right to demand access, however he has to do this via the police. He's not legally entitled to just smash his way in. The sooner Dragons has protection orders in place, the harder it will be for him to gain access.

www.separateddads.co.uk/when-ex-changes-locks-jointly-owned-property.html

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Guides-Financial-Settlements/How-To-Guides/Property-FAQs.html - see 'what is an occupation order' and 'can I change the locks', just below it.

Another day nearly done. Thank you for all you links and advice

Ok, as much as I didn't want to I have changed the pin and password on the online banking and I have a new card on the way for my single account. I don't think it is going to help his anger for me but it needed to be down and thank you for pushing me to do it. He can request his own log in details for his account on Monday.

On the official advice from 101 on my original incident number I haven't changed the locks. The door is as Dollytwat mentioned, if it's locked with the key in it on the inside you can't get it from the outside. My fear is leaving the house locked and then he uses his key to gain entry which I can't cope with at all.

My anxiety is over the edge again, I have sheets and duvets up against the kitchen door (clear glass) the dining room window and the lounge so I do feel a little better although it feels like we are living in a squat!

Catphrase very good idea about putting things in my boot. A new worry I realised today is I don't think the car is in my name and I need it to go to work.

KacieB those links are something I am going to look into once I get my new bank card.

I had a visit from a friend who I had a bit of a fall out with last year, she popped over with a bag of tea bags and asked if I was ok so we had tea and a chat.

And then my other friend brought her husband over and he did a proper job on the back gate, fixed the padlock and made it that I can lock us all in during the evening but still use it as an entry point so I'm no longer trapped!

DD1 has unblocked him and they are currently texting each other, she asked if it was ok and of course I said yes but just asked her not to talk about me or the house. I still have him blocked as does DD2.

DD3 enjoyed making forts at the windows and we have finished her puzzle and I also ate a full dinner this evening which is a first since last Sunday.

Nothing more to report for today thankfully, it's been up and down, I've done a lot of laundry and all the beds are fresh for tonight.

OP I just wanted to say you are being incredibly brave and doing the absolute best for your children and you! In a year from now you'll be looking back wishing you did this sooner :) Onwards to greater things now and a much happier future x

Well done, you. :)

And glad you have friends being there for you. :)

Regarding the house and him entering while you are out, I'd consider an emergency plan in case he does. Always get in first before the children and check he's not in.
But, I would definitely change the locks. Worst case, he takes you to court over it, but it's better than living in fear of him entering while you are out.

A police officer told me to change the locks but he has the right to change them back but would he bother?

The advice I had is with the locks on the house is he still has a financial interest in it and as such you can't prevent him from benefitting unless you pay the entire interest element of the mortgage. Once a mol order is in place and or the divorce ball is rolling then it's a different story.

Don't panic about the car, the log book states 'the registered keeper may not be the legal owner'. In theory he could take it and sell it, but you in theory you can report it stolen, even better if the finance / invoice has your name.
It's also classed as a marital asset so will be included in the pot to divy up.
I hid my spare keys and paper work at work, I also hid the car for a while.

I'm glad you changed the bank stuff. If it becomes a 'big deal' to him to have to create his own password for the joint account and him not having access to your personal finances then that shows it's all about controlling you. If it's a situation where you feel you need to put money in the joint account to maintain the household, then he can ask you to do so. Just as you'd have to ask him to move money from his sole account. Fair's fair, right?

Hopefully you'll soon be able to let go of your fear of him coming into the house at night, or when you aren't there. Still think you should consider changing only the front door (or back door) lock. That way he'd 'technically' have entry, but you could block it by leaving the key in the 'old' lock even when you're gone. You could always say you broke the key off in the lock and had to have that one lock replaced.

Would it make you feel more secure if you put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door so you could lock it at night or you (and the DC?) could 'retreat' to your room if he enters the house? It might also make it 'safer' to store papers/valuables if the door were locked, although in the long run you should have such things out of the house.

dD1 is showing some signs of anxiety, she is very jumpy and checking the locks frequently. I think I should take her to my lovely doctor and make sure I tell the school.

DD2 can't find her jeans for tomorrow and is having a shouting fit, she isn't handling this as well as yesterday. She has said she hates us and wishes she could leave.

They are only 13 & 11 my heart is breaking at what they must be going through emotionally right now

I would check her phone OP, see what messages he has been sending her.

I think I agree with Faire. Or have a gentle talk with he to see if her father has asked her to 'keep secrets'.

talk with her, not he

Get on to WA or see what local support they have in person near you. It sounds as if you all need to know very clear steps as to how to feel safe. Call NCVD and ask re how quickly the non mol can be put in place. They can be granted ex parte - i.e. by the judge temporarily without him being able to give a defence.
Did the police talk to you about pressing charges. It is drastic but it may help in getting other things in place.
See if other mums can take DDs and distract them - temporary relief - but will give everyone breathing space.
Unless you are naturally an extremely nervous person - you sound very level-headed - then it sounds as if you are aware consciously or not that he is unpredictable. Is there anyone - really good friend who could come over and spend a couple of nights with you? Lend you there dog?
Hope you manage another good night's sleep

This may be bad advice and I apologise if it is, but I noticed that you said you rent your property, if you "lost" your keys would that be a reason for your landlord to change the locks?

You said DD1 was in contact with her dad. Do you know what they are talking about?

They will be needing you to be the calm one on this. If it helps, why not have them in your bed?
But try not to show up the anxiety too much, and make sure they have the opportunity to talk it over with you. They will be needing to make sense of it all in their heads as much as you.

outreach can put you in contact with charity called sanctuary who may be able to arrange for your locks to be changed and your house made safe. the application for occupation order and non molestation order is in my opinion a priority,NCDV can give you a great deal of help getting this done. you need to get onto this pronto because legally he may be entitled to be in the home and his solicitor will inform him of this. get a copy of the book LIVING WITH THE DOMINATOR by ex probation officer Pat Craven .... it really helps in those moments when you doubt whether you have the strength, courage, means or whatever to break free. evidence of police attendance can take a while to get so apply now. does he have any where to live or move to ? he will probably say he cant afford to rent so start preparing a counter argument to support your occupation order application.CAB can sort you out with 30 min appointment with solicitor in the evening which is free. you are doing the right thing.... which as a rule is usually the hardest thing but YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Lots of helpful posts there, thank you.

I've spoken to so many support agencies since Thursday its been a blur and I'm starting to write them all down.

I've spoken to NCDV and today received paperwork for an emergency injunction against him but I don't know where he is and the paperwork is terrifying.

It says they have arranged a specialist solicitor and a court judge to her my case.
If I don't return the form I may be liable for any costs incurred even if I cancel.

I have no idea what those costs are, I have no money and what little I do have we need to survive and get to work and pay petrol and dinner money and, well everything.

I don't even know what an injunction is

I asked if I could have an occupation order but not received anything yet.

I'm sorry but this is all so out of my depth.

fohamy we own joint on mortgage (with a high secured loan attached to the property as well)

DD has just shown me her phone and it's no more the hello and then are you ok, she said she feels bad but she doesn't want to reply, she said she thought she saw him drive past school today and then she thought she saw him out side. It wouldn't have been him and I'm sorry but whilst she let me flick through those messages I blocked his number.

I also changed his name in my phone to NASTY FUCKER and not only must I have hit unblock but I also managed to change his text alert to "oh I do like to be beside the seaside"

He has just text, made me jump because of the stupid ring tone, but I think I might keep it I'm trying to find positives in this I really am.

www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/injunctions.html

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-occupation-orders/

The term injunction covers a series of court orders: one of them is an occupation order. But this may not protect you and the children properly.
As far as I know a non-molestation order could apply to your DD's schools, your place of work and even commuting, if necessary.

NASTY FUCKER But I'd change the alert to 'Danse Macabre'.

"NASTY FUCKER" blinging "Oh I do like to be beside the seaside" may be just the laugh you need

Injunction is to stop him coming into your house and harassing you. Have a calm read of the actual words tomorrow, or ask a friend to read it with you.

You're being given priority treatment here! Try to see it for the privilege it is.

Hope you and the girls manage a comfy night and a steady Sunday.

People are so helpful on here and you are doing so so well.

Please do tell the school and your HR department. You never know how helpful this may work out to be. The duvet cover looks very classy at the window!

Remember you can change numbers on your mobile phones for free. You could get a very cheap pay as you go phone for him to phone, and then create new numbers to give to friends and other people that don't threaten to throw you down the stairs. That would allow you to monitor all his contact at the moment. Things are at a really delicate stage and kids are pretty easy to manipulate. If he had you believing you were going mad and paranoid, and you are an intelligent adult, imagine how quickly he could manipulate his kids.

His text has said he is sorry, he wants to talk and he thinks he is getting depressed. Money worries, bored at work, but losing me and the children is not what he wants, he can change and wants to

No reply from me of course so then he sent

Rather than spend £1k per month on living some where else I should let him get counselling to sort his head.

La la la la I soo want to reply and let him have it with both guns. He promised counselling when I ended up in a refuge, he promised it when he dragged me down the stairs by my hair, he promised when I found out he was shagging someone else even though to this day he denies it and he also denies the last little ego boost in 2012 and now this, this is still ALL ABOUT HIM

God knows what he is going to do when he gets this injunction.

He should let himself get counselling if he thinks he needs it - it's nothing to do with you. If he doesn't believe he needs it, then going would be a waste of money, regardless of what else or not he needs to spend money one. He can get counselling even while he lives somewhere else.

Focus on what is best for you and the girls (which is not living with an abusive man) - he can focus on what is best for him (as he has been doing all along.)

If he needs to 'fix himself' he doesn't have to be living with you to do so! He can 'fix himself' elsewhere just as easily.

What a wanker. Oldest trick in the book. "Oh I am a sad little man and I promise to fix myself if you just let me back in". Phffft!

I agree, no response. Just let him stew in his own juices. Nothing you say short of "Oh Darling, come home" will get you anything but abuse anyway.