Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

He's abusive, so he won't take being banished from the family home lightly.

Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

Do not rely on him having his next pay-cheque credited to your joint account. You're going to have to manage on what you are earning yourself for the time being.

Do not rely on him being prepared to share in the financial support of your children. Strictly, he should give you 25% of his take-home pay in child-support. Fully expect him to resist, resist and resist again. It might take going to court to force him. This is the easiest way for him to exercise control over you.

I am very, VERY concerned abut what influence he may be able bring to bear over your employment situation as he's so much more senior in the organisation than you. For this reason I think you should disclose precisely what is happening in confidence with a senor in HR. If you've got less than two years of service you could be in very serious jeopardy.

Never underestimate how the threat of loss of power over you will cause him to act!

He's an arsehole and this is just the beginning of his arseholiance. TheFormidableMrsC was forced onto benefits while her ex was living it up and buying a pony for his new woman's child, among other things.

Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

I'm trying my best to hold it together but the fear is taking over again.

I'm trying to sort the lock out but he now wants £68 after I told him its a security door, a friend is seeing if she knows someone.

He is using my online banking details to log on (he doesn't have his own) and on there is our joint account and my own solely in my name account that my wages get paid in to. He transfers that money from my account to the joint account.

I've called the bank for a bank card to my sole account. I want to just have that as my money and then see if he naturally pays the house bills for now and then I will just use my money for the DC.

I'm going to have to tell him to get his own online banking for the account in our joint names so he can't transfer my money and the bank said its fraud for him to be using my log in as well.

This is getting too much again.

I've blocked his number, I have an iPhone and now I'm wondering if I should unblock to message him, leave it or just go to bed

Well done for being so strong Dragon, I'm just reading this thread for the first time and its chilling. Its brilliant that you've been able to take so many steps towards freedom.

Listen up lady, you're doing really, really well. So very much has happened in such a short time. I'm in awe of you.

This is the hard bit, and it might get harder but you can do it. You really can. Living the way you have for such a long time must have taken so much courage. And now, when it's got so very shitty, you're showing even more courage and are holding it all together.

You can do it!

We're all here cheering you on and waving our pompoms like there's no tomorrow.

Can you change your log in password now? Quickest way to lock him out.

He is using my online banking details to log on If you also have your log on details, you can log on and change the password, so that only you have access. There is absolutely no need for him to have access to your own personal account. If he needs access to the joint account, then he can set that up for himself. You need access to both your personal account and the joint account.

You're feeling afraid and overwhelmed because so much is hitting you all at once and you're trying to face so many things while at your rock bottom.
You will get stronger and stronger and the things you need to deal with will get less or at least more spread out.

Instead of letting your mind deal with a huge jumble sale of issues, try organizing them into lockers. Each problem has its own locker and you only open it and deal with one thing at a time rather than worrying about the things behind all the doors. Get the banking locker in order and then you can close that door, sort out your security locker and then that's another one 'boxed off' so to speak.

If you're struggling with security do ask for your local Crime Prevention Officer to speak to you, they may visit, and explain your specific concerns.
Prepare yourself for the eventuality that ex may approach you outside somewhere. Deep breath, shoulders down and head high 'I don't wish to speak to you, if you have something to discuss email me or contact me through my solicitor' Repeat as necessary.

You can do this, we can all read and form an opinion of you, you're much more capable and stronger than you think.

Hasn't the bank blocked the use of your details if they know about it and agree it's fraudulent? Surely all you need to do is to change the password?

But I don't want to antagonise him in any way, with him being blocked then as far as I know he is leaving me alone and hasn't messaged the children,

I can't risk pissing him off or worse coming here. I really am a bag of nerves.

I called 101 and they said I musnt change the locks

Dragons, specifically about the locks, what are you afraid of?
Is your problem mainly when you're in the house? or is it that he'll enter the house when you're not there?

But you can't risk him taking all your money either, can you?

IMO, if you don't want to stop his access to the bank accounts, then you need to open a new account at a different bank. You could then either transfer money into it online (he'd see the transfer, though) or withdraw cash and deposit it 'in person' at the bank. At least that way he can't take money from the account nor can he monitor your spending.

Or ask the bank if there's any way you can 'isolate' your sole account so he can't see or have access to it. BTW, why is he transferring money from your account to the joint account? Surely you can do this yourself now, if you feel you should be putting money in that account?

Did 101 tell you not to change the locks 'officially' (as part of your case) or did you just ask someone at 101 the 'general question' with no record of your name. If the latter, change 'em anyway and plead ignorance if it becomes an issue. If they told you as a 'official' part of your case weigh up risk vs benefit vs chance of it becoming an issue. Or change only the front door lock (because you 'broke/lost the key') and leave the key in the old backdoor lock. That way he 'technically' has access via the back door but you just keep 'forgetting' to take the key out.

You not wanting to antagonise him is totally understandable but it is also giving in to his behaviour.

You have to provide for your children and yourself. You need full access to money at all times. Do it. It's totally reasonable.

Look, if it's a joint account, he can ask for his own online banking. He doesn't need yours.

My ex managed for years not to have access to one of our joint accounts but managed to sort it out very quickly to empty it.

So, change your online access, prevent him from accessing your sole account and let him sort out his own access.

As for the locks, the police will of course tell you you can't. You may still choose to do it to protect yourself.
But that is another reason why you must get legal protection. To make sure he is refused access should he ask for it.

Another problem with letting him use your online access is that you become responsible for what he does. Your codes are for you to use. Not him.
If he takes all the money out, it will show it was you who did it. Not him.

The safest thing for you in every way is to change the details NOW.

That sounds really worrying. If you can't change the locks, what about something like this to put your mind at ease a bit at night? Or this?

(These wouldn't stop someone absolutely kicking the door down but might stop a silent entry?)

OP. I agree that you need to change your login details and he needs to set up his own to the joint account. I changed mine immediately when XH left, so that he no longer had access. He did have his own, but he knew my password too and all our savings were in my name due to his tendancy to get into debt.

I think all you need to do is change the password, and then he wont be able to access it. and when he sets his own up, it wont show your account.

If you have a joint mortgage then i don't think you are allowed to change the locks, but in the case of DV, I think you have no choice but to change them.

Change your oassword.
You should not be giving anyone access to your own account.
As joint account holder he can set his own login to joint account

I would open an account with a different bank and get your salary paid to that account.

Could you add a lock rather than change, would that work on your type of door?

Op I don't know if your locks are like mine, but if I leave a key in the lock turned halway it can't be unlocked from outside

Also, with an iPhone if you block messages, you won't see any that have been sent after you unblock them

When you rang 101 and they said you can't change the locks, did you make it clear that he'd been violent and threatening, and that the police had been called?

You must change your password immediately if he has access to your personal bank account as well as the joint bank account. Could you transfer half of the contents of the joint account to his personal account and half to your personal account, so that you both have half the joint money? Then he can't take it all, and there's no reason for him to have access to the joint account using your login details. You could text/email him to let him know that.

I'm blown away by how brave and strong you've been on this thread. You're doing incredibly well.

Lweji is absolutely right! I didn't even think of that. He could get up to all kinds of shenanigans using your login and you would be responsible for it. If he empties your account or buys a bunch of shite using your login, all he has to do is say it was you and there's no way to prove it wasn't.

You know, he's got you bullied into a state of fear. I understand that, I've been in a place where my first thought to anything was 'Will this upset XXX' or 'What will XXX do/say to me when he finds out?'. I remember right after I kicked my abusive ex out, I was at the store and saw some cheap colourful hair pins. And I was afraid to put them in my basket. Afraid that I would 'get in trouble' for buying myself something. Hair pins, ffs! I stood there wavering then finally put them in my basket. I cannot tell you the feeling of freedom and joy when I walked out of the store with my hair pins. Hair pins I bought simply because I wanted them. Hair pins I bought without fear. It was my lightbulb moment.

It's very hard to get out from under that fear, but you really need to.

You need to change your password asap. If he is using yoour login details, then for the bank it's as if it's you doing all the movements.
If you tell them you've give him your details, it will be your responsibility as you aren't suppose to.

I'm sure you can do that now online.

If he has moved money from your account when there is clear need for it, Move it back.
After all we are just at the start of the month so he should have a nice amount on his own account (or the joint account, whatever one he is been paid on)

The advice I had was you can't change the lock as you are preventing them from benefitting from the property. You can however add a lock so you feel secure when you are there.
I would suggest you remove anything you need to keep safe from the property.
I kept all my paperwork in the boot of the car - I wouldn't advise that! But if someone can store it for you in their loft / garage.

Yes to change your bank password. He can have access just not your access. He can do what he likes then but not under your name.
As a heads up mine managed to clear my account, via the joint account and then into his. He cleared it into the full overdraft and left me owing the bank £5000. The bank didn't want to know.

main thing is to ensure that your salary is paid into your account and he has NO access to that account before payday i think. so yes change your password. you're not blocking him from the account - just from your password/online banking id and being able to access personal accounts via that.

he can just go into the bank and still have access or use his cashcard.

fact is you need to know you have the money to pay for food and bills in case he empties the joint account - this isn't i'm keeping 'my' money - it's i'm ensuring our children will have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies next month.

you can add a deadlock to the front door? or is a upvc job?