Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

I came to say what Sass just said. Nothing is wasted that give us love (of your children) and experience.

In time, you'll be able to look back and see the good. But that time is not now.

Of course, you are right. I'm so caught up in talking about it right from the first refuge when DD1 was a baby.

My girls are the world and I'm so happy they are talking to me and their friends and I'm doing this ultimately for them much more than me.

We have all blocked his number, we have said just for the weekend, take it a day or two at a time.

If I/they do unblock do you then receive messages that he sent whilst blocked? I'm just wondering because I'm keeping them all incase he turns nasty or threatening. I can get the injunction much quicker if he proves a threat right now.

It would take a lot for neighbours to ring the police. They were worried for your safety. I agree with PP, your kids are not OK while they live in this situation. Good luck

My neighbour opposite works in the school kitchen and asked DD2 if she is ok today, she said yes and then the neighbour asked if I was ok. Although we did have a police car outside the house for an hour yesterday afternoon though.

Wow, OP. Your strength is amazing!
You have achieved so much in a couple of days.

And your new curtains are ace!

You are a lioness OP! I'm so impressed by your strength. Protecting our children is a strong instinct alright.

Hope you have a more restful night tonight.

You are one amazing lady Dragon xxxxxx

I keep loosing long posts

Both girls asleep and it's the weekend, normal nights here are lots of shouting and him threatening to ground them etc but never following through.

DD3 finally asked where daddy is when I said she can sleep in my bed, I just said he was out and she fell straight to sleep.

My best friends husband used to be friends with mine until it all happened in 2012 and then they lost contact. BF has told him what's happening and he said "he is probably off shagging about again, that man doesn't know what he is losing"

That is another nail in the never coming back coffin. He always denied it, minimalists it and made me feel paranoid and a nut bag. So much has happened and I fear more is going to come out from others now but it will all just keep me focused on it all. I never want to see him every again.

I'm off to bed and feeling very calm, thank you all, still so much to do but it's the weekend and this will be the first Saturday im going to enjoy in over a year.

You sound as though you are getting through a good list of stuff. Ask the police re security check if you are worried. Curtains look good but you could always go the whole hog and get some new ones now that you've got access to the bank account again.
Your neighbour sounds great; seems to me she was sounding you out as to whether you wanted a bit of support,, maybe good to see if she is someone nearby who can watch out for him if you are worried.

GP sounds fab too. Sadly, they will have come across it all before and I'm guessing school won't be unfamiliar with things like this.

Solicitor will help - have WA given you some numbers. If you don't like the first solicitor then try the next one on the list. My SHL (shit hot lawyer) was well versed in tactics of abusers and fantastic but some still don't get the additional problems that come with dealing with the situation.
Hope the weekend goes well

As far as the messages, I have an iPhone and if a blocked number leaves a message it goes to right to 'voicemail' with no notification. When you go to voicemail all the messages are under 'blocked' and you can retrieve them. Not sure about other phones.

I'd suggest you keep your girl's phones overnight so you can check the voicemails before they do.

Just read all this and another person here seriously impressed by your clear-sightedness.

You seem to have good friends, I'm glad to hear, but it will get even better now that you are not living with this abusive shite.

I'm up and awake and I slept all night long

I'm going to admit it because I know as things progress he will use it as his evidence to say I'm a bad mum but over the years I've let drinking wine in the evening sneak up from one or two glasses with dinner to more late in the evening to make it all go away.

Friday's and Saturdays in the last year at least have been heavy sessions where I would drink way more than my body weight should or could let me see straight or think clearly (I'm sure that's why I'm so confused about time lines and remembering things that have happened in the past)

I'm ashamed of that because I should have been a better person able to control situations better and protect us all better but now I'm here a sole parent I will not drink and I'm ashamed to say I didn't think I couldn't have a drink, I thought I Could only sleep if I was drunk enough just to fall asleep.

So I've proved that wrong again, another realisation of what was going on.

Safer places have given me a number for the NCDV and they can help with the non mol and some legal advice so I'm only going to do that today.

Oh, and I've run out of T-Bags and the milk doesn't smell to great so if anyone is in Essex and fancies popping some over that would be great

Good for you Dragons. Great that you slept. Sorry I'm far away to help with tea bags.

Glad you got some sleep. Sorry not handily placed for a grocery run!
(I'm no expert but better consider the kind of accusation he might hurl at you. Though unless you flew into drunken rages it sounds like you drank to give yourself armour or the oblivion of sleep).

I've been lurking with nothing constructive to add until now.
Honestly you are doing so well, big deep breaths, you've done the jump you just need to keep swimming until you get to the new sunny shore that is just for you and your girls.
Let the authorities, friends and mumsnet be the big waves carrying you over the Sharks he sends your way.
You'll get there xxxx

When I was with my abusive ex, I used to drink bottles and bottles of wine just to be In the same room let alone let him touch me. Eventually that stopped working as well.

Now I'm not with him, I barely touch the stuff, practically a tee total and don't miss it at all. dont worry, it was a way of getting you through. You've proved it was another symptom of him. Now he's gone the heavy bad drinking has gone.

How are your girls?

That was it catphrase I couldn't think of sitting there with a cup of tea talking about the day, he never showed any day to day affection so no snuggling up on the sofa, so I snuggled my wine glass.

Any drunken arguments were about my insecurities about him and other women. When I started working at the same company I found text messages looking like the start of an EA with a women at our work, I had to see her every week and it shattered me, my anxiety was dreadful and he just continued with nothing happened and he did nothing wrong. She had the good grace to stay out of my way, I'm senior to her, how embarrassing is that!

I never flew into any rages just sobbing and begging to know the truth so I could deal with it and try to move on. That was just over 3 years ago now ad still feel as raw about it as if it was yesterday. But today, I don't care, all I care about is never seeing him again and the only fear I have is his next move which will most probably be today or tomorrow so the doors are staying locked.

DD3 and I are still doing the 1000 fairy puzzle we bought yesterday, DD2 is at her dancing and her friends mum is doing the car ferrying for me and DD1 is no doubt still asleep at her sleep over. Trying t keep it all sane and norma, well apart from the fact the I'm up before 10.30 and have no hangover

I couldn't get the locks changed yesterday, I'm trying not to spend any money incase it runs out for his accommodation and he demands to come back.

Until you can create your own account, can you withdraw a chunk that would tide you over just in case?

Pay the locksmith (this is urgent) and then put it back in the account if you end up not needing it at the end of the month...

P.s. - you're doing so well.

Well done OP. Sounds like you're having a lovely morning.

Out of interest, would you rather someone had told you about your STBXH shagging around years ago, when the babies were small?

Have been lurking up to now as you've had such great advice and support but two things:
If I/they do unblock do you then receive messages that he sent whilst blocked?
I think this depends on your handset and if it's voicemail you're concerned about, also the provider. On my phone (a HTC running Android) any texts blocked will become visible when you unblock the number. I haven't had any voicemails that got blocked so I can't comment on those, but you could ring your mobile provider and ask.

Also regarding the locksmith: if you can get a new lock barrel, there are loads of videos on Youtube that show you how to do it yourself, and you shouldn't need too many tools. I've seen a couple of women on threads here in the past month or so be able to change the lock themselves. Or maybe ask one of your friends who you've told if they or their H could help with it? Locksmiths do tend to charge a fortune for what is a relatively straightforward job.

Hope you and your lovely DDs have a calm and safe weekend

Again, bloody well done

Agree the locksmith is urgent, spend the money on that.

Wow, You are doing so brilliantly !

It is so simple to change the barrel on a standard door, just go to Homebase type shop, and buy a new barrel, there will be 2/3 keys with it. just measure the width of the door before going, & ask an employee for advice.

, if this doesn't look like your door, there are dozens of other videos on youtube...

I've been out and secured the back gate. It's no great work and I need some more screws and a heavier hand than little me but there is no way that can be opened again from inside the garden or out.

I've taken a big step and posted on our DDs3s school class fb page. It's a closed group and we use it to remind each other about events and moan about the healthy snack rule when they then have pizza for lunch and cake for afters I've just said its for personal reasons but can none help change the lock and finish the gate. I'm mum friends with a lot of them so maybe someone will help.

whatthe I so wish some one would have been brave enough to tell me, even annon. Because I KNEW he was lying and made me feel like I'm mad and some sort of untrusting neurotic controlling freak, he has done a number on me and the clarity I'm starting to feel is like a fog is lifting from my brain.

Regarding the locks, he could still easily enter the house when you're out. And he could decide to do it regardless of having cash to sleep away or not.
So, I do think you should change the locks anyway. But you might be able to do it more cheaply if you can change it yourself. Google your type of lock and see how it can be changed.

It's a composite security door, I had some replies from FB and sent some pics, it's not a lock I can do myself, I don't even have any tools.

And now I've secured the back gate the only way I can leave the house is the front door so I can't go out because then he can use his key to get in.

I've caused myself a problem with the gate but it makes me feel safer.