Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Mo, just make sure you record every thing, photoshots of Facebook, whatever. Partly evidence you can use, partly evidence to yourself at 3am or when he tries to undermine you that you are not mad.

Christ, what a tosser he is.

I know you are hurting and angry, but I really really wouldn't send any any emails with angry, emotional or rude responses. It will not help you and he will use it against you.

Be cold, calm and factual. Tell him what you are doing and the immediate reason, i.e. 'I am getting the house valued for sale so it can be sold and the proceeds split'. Don''t go into reasons why or saying stuff like 'you are a robot knob-badger and my poor DCs are eating gruel and bread because of you'.

Although of course I can very, very angry with him, I certainly feel like I am over him. I don't want him, I don't need him, I don't love him, I don't even remotely like anything about him. I feel like the last two years in particular have all been a huge lie. I've been duped and taken for a fool. I know for a fact he lies to me and all of that is enough for me to not have a scrap of doubt left that I'm doing the right thing.

But then perhaps I feel more detached than I would if he were here in the flesh. But I want him to hurt so badly. I want this process, the next bit in particular to really make him suffer. Even if that is in his own twisted way - that he can't stand losing face, everybody knowing etc. If he feels even a tiny bit sorry he's mucked up his family and his relationship with his children then that's enough for me. He's never ever going to feel genuinely sorry because he's not capable.

Take care of yourself and please get some real life support as this is the calm before the storm
Inform his family now before him as his slant will of course be sooo different and then just don't engage with em
You are doing exactly the right thing by waiting until replying to him
And I suspect you are dreading his "homecoming" ha because he could start twisting your mind but there is where you need rw person with you for support

But then perhaps I feel more detached than I would if he were here in the flesh

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Mo. There's a very good chance tgat when he comes back and tried to argue the toss, you're going to open to a whole gambit of feelings that you'll find it hard to stay in control. If you can try to think ahead to what he might do and say, this at least will give you a little bit more protection from that

I think, you know, from what you've said about him, that there is no way this is not going to cause him the kind of hurt you describe. The only things that won't hurt are (a) you continuing as you are, under his financial thumb, treated as a not very effective servant or (b) you getting well-paid employment so you can keep his house and children ticking over for him without even his current meagre financial input (the ideal, which is where we came in). Any move towards independence on your part is going to kick him right in the ego. So basically, the best way to get revenge is to just work coldly and clinically towards the outcome you want, because when you get it or even part of it that is effectively a loss to him. You can dust your hands at the conclusion of a job well done and think "Ha! How d'you like them apples?" at the same time. And then stop wasting any more headspace on the bugger.

I agree, getting drawn into verbal attacks & losing control will be the problem when he is in front of you. You need to always remain in "ice maiden", mode.
Never do tit for tat point scoring. if you hassles you, looking for explication a fight walk away.
Think about where has all this feeling, explication, emotion suddenly come from, after 3 months of silence, nothing, no telephone contact, no late night email saying, "wish you were here, I miss you". Nothing, not even an extra £ for an easter egg for DCs...
if finally he snaps & gets aggressive verbally or physically, (I hope not, but it is entirely possible) call the police this will be good for your case.
it's when he realises he is no longer controlling you that he will really start to spit venom. saying you are having an affair, that you are financially irresponsible, that you are mad, unstable, unfit mother, alcoholic, thieving, profiteering.
Forewarned is forewarned. It WILL happen

You really have done so well.

Yes keeping the evidence that he has lied for your own use is a very good one. I would use the broken technique record about everything especially "I'm not prepared to discuss this, you need to email me" even when he comes back (could that be an if???)

I feel bloody great this morning. Everything is crystal clear, nothing is muddled up, the fog has cleared and the sun is out (if only it really bloody were today).
Anyway Happy Easter everyone. You are all amazing for all the support and instant help and feedback you have given me.

will the IL be around tomorrow ?

MiL is popping in with eggs. But she only mentioned that after I'd told her the news, so it's probably just an excuse to come over, as they are not very good at things like that usually (I know, I know), so if I hadn't been in contact, it wouldn't have surprised me if she'd have just let Easter pass by unnoticed.

I asked because she will be in with the sorry excuses for her darling damaged son, tears, & guilt tripping

If she comes over, keep focused. Don't let her make you feel guilty. Your decision has been made, you have been financially and emotionally abused for years, your relationship has no love, and the relationship is over. Full stop. You won't be changing your mind. You wouldn't be doing this unless you were 100% sure and there is no point in trying to make you reconsider, because you have made your decision.

She's already done that by email. Same as him, blaming it on the job, the stress, us being apart, him missing us. What she doesn't know is that he behaves in exactly the same shitty way even when we're together. And I won't tell her that either. I might tell her after all of this is over, but certainly not now. Anyway if she starts, I'll tell her it's not an appropriate time to be discussing it, in front of the kids and all. I'll have plenty of excuses ready to get rid of her if I need to.

Well also I need to keep the exact decision I've made close to my chest in case she goes back to him to tell him I've decided it's over - I haven't responded to his sob story email yet and I'm letting him hang, cling on to the last hope I might change my mind and say ok let's talk things over - so I can't let it get back to him yet that the decision is made and final and nothing will change my mind.

Personally, if she brings it up which she will then I would say it wasn't appropriate to talk about it in front of the children (like you said)....I would add that it wasn't up for discussion at anytime.

If you do discuss it with her, she will come up with any excuse as to why he does what he does.....and imply that you are being unreasonable. By stopping any talk, it will stop you having to defend yourself.....remember she is not on team Mo.

So glad you feeling positive , you never know MIL might suprise you though guessing she probably can't say her true feelings on situation. But her coming over shows support we hope!

Meant to add it's lovely to be helpful and offer support, and see how far you have come in such difficult situation. We always told people don't care about neighbours or community but good we can find our own little community and neighbourhood fences here.

I think she'll be scared of pissing me off though so I think she'll be a bit egg shelly with me. Fear of losing contact with the kids I think ( not that I would ever do that). Anyway I'm not scared of her or what she'll say.

Is there a risk FIL is going to turn up too, to lecture you? Cos he certainly won't give a shit about doing so in front of the kids. I'd imagine they're keeping him in reserve in case MIL fails to bring you to heel.

I would suggest you don't reply to MIL email. The less you write down to other members of his family the better.

If you can, note down your conversation with her. It may get distorted in the reporting.

No chance of FIL doing anything like that - he's not even coming! He's not the sort though anyway. But there's no telling what this sort of situation could bring out in them I suppose.

Vomitville: now he knows I know all about his little trip, guess who's suddenly splashing it all over FB? Sick bastard, adding a Happy Easter comment - he hasn't even wished his own children Happy Easter or bothered to try to Skype them or arranged anything of the sort! Not to mention money for eggs and treats! And yet he's showing off where he is, wishing his 'friends' a happy Easter. Sick, sick, sad, pathetic excuse for a man. I was chatting to a friend of mine about it and I was really hoping someone would come along, assume he was there for work and make a comment about it being a shame about the timing and that he must be missing his family - then I thought I could set that up, but unfortunately can't think of anyone who would fit the bill.

But you know what, I cannot bloody wait for my life to begin without him. I am almost euphoric at the thought - actually, correction, I AM euphoric thinking about it. There is a lot of shit to come but bloody hell, every minute spent getting pissed off with this utter twat is a minute wasted of my life.

Great to hear Mo, hopefully his friends will notice he's not posted anything to you or kids! Just think by the time next Easter rolls in where you could be?

I'm sure it's noticeable! Especially with me along side him posting lovely happy family pics and things. Everyone we know is posting pics of family times together for god's sake...
It doesn't matter where I am, next Easter I won't even be thinking about him! If he doesn't send the kids eggs or make contact, by then, I won't even care because I'll be too busy living my fabulous life with my fabulous children.