Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

I am always surprised that these men think its up for discussion, as if he can decide that yes, actually, you DO still want to be with him, or that they can forbid you to leave.
As far as I am aware, it takes 2 to want to be in it. If one changes their mind and wants out, then thats game over.

Being in a male only place does not prevent shagging around.

The only reason that he doesnt want to split up is because he doesnt want to pay child support. One of the first things he will do (probably already has) is check out how much he will need to pay, because he is so totally obsessed with money.

Dont expect him to pay anywhere near the CMS minimum, he will probably offer you some paltry amount based on the fact that you will be entitled to benefits, so wont "need" it, thats if he offers anything at all.

I wouldnt bother giving him a chance to sort out maintenance between you, you know he will only withold it or arse about to punish you. I suggest going straight to CMS

Well I've dissected it, would love to post the whole thing so you can all see it for what it is but you'll have to trust me on this one.

Straight away I've detected a total bullshit huge whopper of a lie: he said the stress of his work at the moment has affected his health generally and he's been off his sports completely for six weeks. Remember the SN site he's forgotten he's logged into that I can still see? Gone through the entries for the past few weeks and well, what do you know: several about playing said sports - and those are just the ones he's bothered to record.

Ok this bit is related to something I've not disclosed before but fuck it, you all almost know my home address and debit card pin by now, don't you? He's living in a place we all used to live in. I came back with the kids because I couldn't stand it any more (with hindsight because of the way he was treating me, not because the place was so awful but in my messed up mind I put it all down to the place and not him). He returned. Anyway he said it was an emotional strain on him being near places that are a constant reminder of us when we were there together. He likened it to grief, like a death. But we are not fucking dead! We are very much alive and contactable by email, phone, Skype, FaceTime, messenger, hangouts etc ad infinitum. Call us, call the kids, video msg the kids if you miss us FFS!

He says he's sincerely apologetic but doesn't say what for. He says we've both been cold towards each other when we should have probably been doing the opposite.

He says the past three months have been very tough for both of us and mentions me handling things alone and one of the things I've not disclosed details about.

However, no mention whatsoever of the financial strain he's put me under, no apology for forcing us to live on less than benefits, no mention of him pushing me back to work at an inappropriate time, no mention of if he loves me, and he's not said why it would be so awful if he were to lose me and the children, nothing about what I mean to him. It's actually ALL about him and what he's been 'going through' (i.e. bullshit).

So there. I'm not buying an inch of it.

Good for you.

May I suggest you bat back with "I acknowledge receipt of your email"

Just that.

The thing that has compelled me to comment is the 'he is stressed'. Boo hoo for him. So allieviate his stress, he's taken a few days off. Not to spend time with you and his children. He hasn't phoned you and said " hey it's Easter, I've got a few days off, why don't you fly out and we'll spend some time together, I'm missing you all so much"
No.
He's fucked off with 'friends' without even bothering to telling you.
If my husband/partner did that, I'd divorce the fuck out of him.
He is a total prick.
Free Mo!

Yep complete bullshit every single word of it.

I wouldn't even reply bar the "Are you going to buy me out of the house or shall I get it on the market"

Do not engage in discussions!

See I would be tempted to reply back "I miss x place very much what I don't miss is you and what I am still so unhappy about is your miserly and controlling ways" however that is engaging and he's not worth it.

Have you phoned up tax credits yet? The fact that you left that place to move back to the UK without him is further evidence that relationship has actually been over for months already and now you are just formalising it. They may try and tell you that you are not single and blah de blah but you are. Once the credits are sorted then hit him via the CMS.

Of course it's BS!

Any person who was in love would be phoning and getting the first flight home.

The fact is, he is on holiday.......and chose to do that instead of seeing his children.

It's all nonsense, Freemo.

Just acknowledge the email. "Email received."

No other response in a normal person would put the wind up. In him he may take it as assent. If you do want to add to it you should say no more than.
Contents noted. My position remains the same.

Don't mention the house or finances. Lawyer up first.

well the only reply is:

"Don't waste your breath fabricating a bunch of crap.
The evaluation of the house being conducted next week. awaiting input re you buying me out or straight sale"

WARNING
He WILL start crying, sobbing, begging, pleading, promising. If tis fails then, he will start plan B threatening,, accusations, cruel, lying, aggressive menacing.
And, Repeat

Most people who try to separate from EAs, usually buckle for the first 3 to 4 attempts. don't waste any more of your life, kick to curb asap

Orlanda - he writes stuff like that when he wants to wind someone up. So for me to do it to him in response to that message - well, it would enrage him totally.

Don't worry, I'm not buying it and I had exactly the same thoughts: the tone of the email is so falsely polite and carefully worded, at times even talking about emotions (I'm sorry, what?), that I'm sure the second he realises I haven't fallen for it, he will get extremely nasty. It is, as you have pointed out, almost entirely predictable.

I don't see what else you can reply tbh, you know it's BS there is no point getting into a slanging match calling him on it. May as well crack on with him trying his next EA move as the first hasn't worked.

And?

You are your own mistress. You are Free if him, Mo. There are some details to sort, but you are free.

It makes me mad actually that he's going on about how the stress and pressure of his 'tough job' (not so tough really in the time we were living out there together, quite straightforward really) has affected his health - when not for one minute has he thought how being here on my own on a deliberately premeditated pittance might have affected my own health.

Orlanda - I couldn't give a shit if it enrages him. Let it. I don't see how else he can hurt me when he's already hurt me more than I could ever imagine.

You either have to not reply AKA the silent assassin

Or, say my position has not changed. I will not discuss it further

I certainly wouldn't reply for a few days. Let him stew.

Seems to me he's going to hit you on two fronts now:

• he's 'depressed'
• you left him to return to the UK and this has contributed to his 'depression'.

I would lay odds Tim Peake is having more contact with his family than this guy - much as I hate to use him as the yardstick for 'deadbeat dads' for buggering off to space to do ground breaking research and such like.

I would try not to engage, unless you think you can goad him into reverting to 'Mr Nasty' without him being able to blame it on you. Personally I'd now ignore him - there will be months of Mr Nasty before you're free of this, why not enjoy the respite? You've told him, which is what you wanted to do.

Good. Brief, factual, unemotional. If he implodes, tough.

I'd buy time iiwy. Come straight out and enrage him and your 'grace' period is significantly shortened. You win that battle but you make the war harder for yourself. It's going to be hard anyway.

Honestly? All this is nothing up to what's ahead. Hate me if you like - I wish you would disengage. Rage, yes - rage on here but don't lock horns with him bcs you will lose. He knows how to turn your screws and gets off on your squealing.

Polite. Not nice, not nasty, but unwavering. Buy yourself time - and peace - while you get your ducks in a row. You don't need his permission, blessing or understanding to leave him. You're not (ever) going to get that anyway so the sooner you disengage the better. It will save you a lot of pain.

Dig around for MrsC's threads. She went through similar agony before she was able to largely disengage. The hell didn't stop but she was no longer metaphorically holding on to live wires as they flailed around.

Sorry Mo.

I second having a look at MrsCs posts. She is the absolute master at dealing with fuckwittery on an advanced level. She posts as TheFormidableMrsC

This is where you need to pretend to be different, even if you aren't.

He'll be using or his master manipulator skills to press your buttons. Remember, he knows you better tgan anyone else do knows how to inflict doubt/guilt/hurt.

Don't let him know when he's made a shot that hits home. Act detached, even if your heart is breaking

I have no intention of engaging. Now I have actual evidence of lying, even if it is a relatively unimportant thing compared to everything else, is proof enough to me that he is totally disingenuous and makes me immediately think what else is he lying about that I have no clue about or that I suspect but I can't prove (money)?

My instinct is not to reply straight away either and let him stew for a few days. You're all right about him turning nasty as soon as he knows I won't be fooled again. Maybe he will try again, and turn on the charm again. He is due to 'pay' me in a few days too so I think I'll wait till then and see if he continues the usual shitty email '£X transferred' or if he rethinks it. He might throw in an Easter bonus, who knows.

At least he replied though as expected load of crap. He's acknowledge things have been cold and strained but this is because he's stressed. He dosnt care how you feel or even for a minute thought about flying back for long weekend to try see what's happening. Poor old him no sports for 6 weeks false and that's hardly sign of hardship! That's like you saying you stressed so not been for massage last month. Look at me look how I'm suffering!! While on beach having a blast.

Like you say no thought of your constant stress looking after everything and having ask and wait for everything from him. He dosnt get how this effects you at all.

How long before he's due to come back? Not that it matters, but I'm guessing that's next big hurdle count down for you.