Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Oooh, I do like KiwiJane's evil mind.

Help, please, wise folk...

I've just seen a solicitor, young, possibly not the most experienced or knowledgeable of solicitors, but just to set the scene. The firm was recommended to me, but not her specifically so I just got who was available.

I've come out of there more confused than ever, that wasn't supposed to happen! It was only a short freebie session so maybe that's why - spent more time worried about not having enough time than actually maximising the time.

Anyway. According to her, a mesher order is irrelevant in this case because we aren't married: FACT. Nothing I can do about that. But the alternative for me is something called a Schedule 1 application, to agree maintenance for the children. However she wasn't very sure whether I would stand a good chance or not of being able to negotiate an arrangement regarding the house or receive a lump sum through this application. She ummed and aahed and said we should have a case as he's a high earner but she said she'd have to check - which doesn't help me much now. Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm not really any wiser and I'm thinking to go and see someone else, as second time around I will be clearer in my questioning.

She focused more on the outcome of selling the house, and what I'd need to do if he refuses, and agreeing maintenance with him so that I can at least afford to stay in the same area. This doesn't really give me much faith or confidence in pursuing things legally. However what other choice do I have?

I came out of there thinking so far in all of this, I've felt very much like a passenger but now I realise I need to grab the reins for once and actually figure out what I want. What do I want to achieve in all of this, what is the outcome I really want? Do I want to stay in the house with a potential court order or do I want a fresh start, albeit uncertain and which may comepletely change my life and my children's lives?

I don't know is the answer. And I still don't even know if I stand a realistic chance of being able to stay in the house.

Before I fully became aware of the situation I'd entered into with my partner, all I wanted was to take a break from work, look after the kids until the youngest is in school full time and go back to work, but also figure out what it is I want to go back to, as I've lost interest in my previous field. If I had the right support from my partner, who would be financially able to support me through all of that, I'd be living my dream. But the fact is he's not supporting me in any way and I'm not sure how best to secure my future and my children's future.

I am not clearer at all to making a decision. I need to tell him but I don't know how or what to tell him.
Should I go and see a different solicitor? Or is it pointless until I know what I want?

Go & see as many sol as you need. She hasn't made you feel secure.

I suggest that a young novice solicitor. will not have the experience, repartee & "balls" to fight a bull nosed highly paid lawyer in a EA situation.

Yes I will. I'm looking around right now for some more to call.
But whichever route I choose, my gut is telling me fresh start. I don't know why or if it's right.

Angry, nc'd for another reason but we talk on OTBT.

I would go on to the legal MN forum, ask for advice, ask for help in the questions you need to pose. You'll get some really good advice. Then go for another freebie.

But I'd also do a pros and cons list, quite analytically and coldly. It will help you make up your mind.

The other thing is to do a sort of game theory with yourself. Throw your mind girl are ten years, maybe five years. Where do you want to be? Then work backwards from that.

Girl are? Forward, dammit..

Mi although you think you haven't got anything but confusion from this session, actually what you have are all the questions you didn't realise you needed to answer

Which is good. Because you now know what you need to think about and what you really want

I agree with PP. Book and see other solicters, post a thread in legal and for clarification.

Dolly, you make a good point and that's a very positive spin on it. But I feel like all this time I thought I was building in confidence and strength and was getting closer to the end but now in fell swoop I feel deflated and powerless all over again. I feel like he's still winning.
My plan was to go to my meeting armed with knowledge and information and to go straight to him and tell him it's over. But now I realise I can't do that because I don't even know what to say! I want out so badly but how, how, how. Why the hell didn't we get married, honestly I never knew not being married would cause so many extra stresses.

It was only a twenty appointment but honestly my brain is frazzled now. I can't think straight.

Have you tried asking Women Aid for recommended solicitors?

I rang the woman back who gave me the recommendation for today again and she said they don't really recommend any as such, it's just that's the one she usually mentions as she knows they offer the free session. She just told me to google free half hour solicitors in my area as most will offer it but I've just rung three more and none of them do it. Getting fed up now.
I'll try WA later but it might be the same thing.

Hi Mo,
I understand you feel deflated right now. I wonder if you should take a step back for a moment? It is possible you need to try to change your mind set, I mean the talk of him 'winning' - when you think about it coldly, winning what?
He is losing his partner and his family life as he knows it. This has become a battle in your mind, quite understandably, but the fact is, you no longer want to be with him, no longer want to live by his 'rules' - and, in fact, nobody needs any other reason to leave someone other than they are unhappy and want to leave. You can tell him whenever you are ready, he can't kick you out of the house, he has to continue to pay the mortgage until a decision is made. I wondered if your parents could lend you the money to rent somewhere until the house is sold?
I agree with pp to post in legal but I assume if you want to sell the house he will either have to agree to the sale or buy you out, one or the other.
I might be worth you applying to a housing association, although I realise these properties are like gold dust in most areas.
Did you think about applying for benefits now? or is that still a no-no?
Anyway, I wish you well and hope you bounce back from the solicitors meeting quickly.

I'm shaking like a leaf. Just made a twunt of myself parking because I was rushing and of course I had to have a fucking audience which made me worse and I'm fighting back the tears. Was already wobbly in the car but now I'm a mess. Got to keep it together.

Hi Mo sorry you had disappointing day. I half think it dosnt matter what your solister say because you can easily fob him off with anything because you can know for sure he will be getting himself the best lawyer anyway.

That's not to put you off, but actually you could let him do a lot of the work for you. Let's presume he's not going say ok dear I pay X maintence and sell the house 70-30! He's going to go away storm around find best legal advice and come back to you with some token offer on paper. Then this is stage you can fight it , presumably you can argue that if he's spending X of family income on legal advice he can provide for yours too.

No one is going to say you leave with nothing it just be how much of the house that's jointly owed, and with the kids he needs to house them. That's my take anyway. He is always going to come back with what he wants to do.

Agree though if it didn't feel right go see someone else. Can you not sell anything in the house to raise £200 (I'm guessing) to see someone for solid information?

Grumpy, I meant winning in the sense his control of me is so tightly wrapped around me still, I can't even breathe or think straight. And that it's so difficult for me to leave I don't even know how and I might have to put up with it for longer than I can take.

Akire, you scare me with the type of offer me can make me, that's exactly what he's like, he's think he was being extremely clever by offering that.

Right now I just feel like saying fuck it, tell him, and ask to sell up. I can't fight him and I can't afford legal fees and I'll be damned if they have to come out of the sale of my house giving me even less than his share. I would only go to court if I knew I had a cast iron case of course, I just don't have the cash or energy in me to do it otherwise. I can't even wait a week for the only free appointment I could find. I want to tell him so badly. It is agony keeping quiet, almost a physical pain. I need something to change NOW.

I just somehow managed to suppress a panic attack or whatever it was, because I was in public and around my kids and other people I know. Awful awful awful. If I'd been on my own I know I would have just collapsed. Don't know how I held it together.

Mo, his perceived control. You don't have to 'ask' him to sell up, you own half the house, he wont have a great deal of choice.
The CMA can organise his child support to you.
You can email him right now,
Dear Twat,
Since you have been away I have come to realise this relationship is no longer working. I have decided we should sell the house and go our separate ways.
Obviously we need to make this as easy on our children as possible and I would like us to stay as amicable as possible for their sakes. I plan to have the house valued in the next few days and will let you know the outcome of the valuation.
See ya, Mo.

Grumpy, that's what I was planning to do today. Almost worded exactly like yours. But then this meeting threw a spanner in the works and I am scared of doing the wrong thing. I can't tell him one minute I want to sell the house and the next instruct a solicitor to say actually I want to stay in the house so we need to come to an agreement.

Hugs Mo deep breaths. No court in land is going let him get away with not providing you a home it will just be what size. Agree if you want to just get on with it email him. Least it be done and when you do speak to him next you will not have to actual say it. It's hardly going to be a total suprise

He could have the best solicitor in the world, but this is a county court job, no judge is going to let a woman with 3 children have no means of providing a home for them.

Mo, get yourself home, get a cup of tea & packet of digestives & breath.
Sit infant of the TV with the kids & watch kids TV.
Take some time off from this stress.
it will be no worse tomorrow.
remember the 3 day rule. Never make any final statement, or announcement, without a time to calm down & think rationally.
You had high hopes of this Sol aptmt. so rather than it being like the release after taking an exam & then its over, they moved the date & you still have to sit it !!!
Take some time out for now.

should have read "infront" !

Ok I'm just thinking aloud.
Option one: I tell him it's over and we need to come to an agreement about living arrangements because I think it's crucial the children stay where they are. He makes life difficult, then I get my solicitor to negotiate for me. Apply for Schedule 1, for maintenance of the children. It goes to court and becomes very costly to me.
Option two: I tell him it's over and I want to sell. He says no, I'm not selling my house don't be stupid. I have to get a court order to force the sale. That would be expensive, I think, for me.
Option three: He agrees to sell. He ends up with half and can buy a lovely apartment. I end up renting miles away from the schools and can't afford to buy a family home.
Shit. All shit.

The court order would not be that expensive I don't think, I will try to find details but I think it is a fixed sum.
You may have to have a smaller home, yes, but right now your life is shit yes? How much worse could it be?
Take a break now, try to relax, not easy I know.