Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

The darkest hour is just before dawn Mo.

Each day that passes is one day closer to the end

Mo the way he's been with you indicates he wants out as well doesn't it. His actions are not those of a committed father and husband.
So... Is there a way you can force HIS hand in ending it? The only reason I suggest this is so that he is knder in his attitude towards you all in terms of maintenance etc
I know it's not ideal, but if he thinks he's the one in control, you might be in a better position going forward

I wasn't playing I just got lucky because he is twisted. I couldn't begin to think like him thank god.

Our kids don't see him any more, they saw the judge themselves aged 8 & 9 and asked to stop. He was granted visiting rights in a centre for 4 months but he blew it by "showing" them what they had missed.

Basically he thought he was punishing them by not allowing them to touch him etc. There's nothing to gain by following his twisted mind down the rabbit hole.

My eldest was the most deeply affected but we looked a little bit at the Out of the Fog website which helped her. And after many years of searching we found good mental health care for them. So they have support and are growing into pretty cool young women.

I like wallywobbles' story.

Here, got some early morning for you lovely ladies.

Thinking of you Mo

When you do get to discussing contact arrangements etc. ensure you protect their weekend and holiday time so you get a minimum of 50% of it. In a few years time you will be working and you need that quality time with them not just do all the donkey work.

If he has the DC during the week and that means his mum looks after them don't stress about it - lots of DC do spend time with grandparents etc. keep the doors open with MIL etc. The older ones will soon be old enough to have their voice count and MIL will get to old/frail to cope with all of them etc.

When they ask why you are splitting up do not be afraid to tell them that their Daddy is mean with his time and money towards you and that is not how a healthy family works - it's the truth and they need to know his meanness is wrong and unkind and not how a family really works.

that is good to know that children of 8 & 9 were able to be heard by the judge.

Altho, it depends on this super daddy's "tryst" behaviour, if the P here, leaves Mo in penury, then when he has the kids is full on Superdad, flying them to Disney in the USA, & taking them to super ClubMed holidays in Tahiti & Courchevel....you name it, then the children may not be asking for no contact. he will resent the money spent, but know he is punishing Mo, which will really give him a boner.
"Blinded by the light"
If however, his allotted time means he sends them to Granny, well its not as dazzling.

A bit random, but I've just realised something. I haven't shouted at the kids for weeks. Obviously there have been times where I've had to tell them off and raise my voice but I haven't lost it like I have done in the past...and I may be talking rubbish but I think it's because I'm much calmer now and more relaxed in general. My life with P stressed me out and I probably, regretfully, took out any anger I had on them. I am sure about this actually. And when I shouted, I knew it wasn't right and I always apologised to them afterwards if I felt I'd been a bit over the top. The bond I feel with my children now is so strong now, I feel so much closer to them and hopefully them to me, maybe because subconsciously I feel like I need our relationship to be stronger but it's interesting how things have changed.
As you were

Mo that doesn't surprise me at all. Instead of all that internal turmoil you know exactly what is going on and where your future lies!

Well done you

Wow, that's a massive revelation to have and your kids are going to be much happier with this too.

It wouldn't surprise me if you'll start to discover other things now too, like what you like and how you want to be, you're free to begin finding out if you're not pandering to him. You've been smothered for so long I'll bet you forgotten much of who you are.

After all the horrifying realisations over the past few weeks, this is finally a good one. The scariest week of my life is about to happen but things like this reinforce that what I'm doing is totally right in every way.

You know what Mo, you might look back in a years time and realise you've just been through the hardest bit. Trying to live within the prison of your relationship sounds impossible.

Things can only get better my sweet

The scariest week of my life is about to happen but things like this reinforce that what I'm doing is totally right in every way

Hold that thought, write it down or read this back when you need to. As tight as you are, you know it's going to be difficult and you'll need to remind yourself that you're doing this not just because of the past, but for a happier future for you and the kids. It's going to be hard at times but all these realisations, if written in one place, will really help you to keep motivated and ride the storm as best you can

My head is definitely out of the fog now. I think the only thing though that could befoggle me a bit again is if he doesn't react as adversely as I predict he will. But anyway, I can't really predict how he will react. The options are limited though, accept it or fight it, it's just the level of extremeness that he will take it to that I can't know.

No that's why I suggested trying to get him to end it. Puts the whole thing on a different footing. It's clear that he's not involved with family life in any way, can you get him to say it's over?

You mean ask him what he thinks is going on here, where we are headed? You know if I asked him that, I can just see him smirking and shrugging and turning it around on me and saying it's all up to me, to stop this mood I'm in and the silent treatment. Honestly, I'm almost certain that's what he'd say. He thinks he's sitting there blame-free and it's me messing about here.

Oh that's horrible Mo. You really have no relationship with him do you?

Ok well, the sooner you can get your life where you want it to be the better. We are all here cheering you on, I hope you know that

No, there is nothing there. I don't know who he is and he doesn't know who I am either. It's like we are total strangers.

There's no going back is there. Can you imagine sleeping with him? It doesn't sound likely. So, now you have all your obstacles gone, it's time to plan how you do this.

You are in complete control of it, do it how you want to and at a time that suits you.

This is where your life begins. And it will be tough, I'm a single mum, it isn't easy. However, it's a whole lot easier than being with my ex

Mo, no matter how hard this week may be, or how dark it seems, we will be here holding your hand.

Is there a small thing you can just keep in a pocket or something, which you can use as a symbol of what you're doing, why, and where you're going? You could use anything, a discarded cork (from one of his naice bottles which you've drunk!) or one of the children's erasers, anything. Take it out when you falter, remind yourself what it symbolises, until you can reread the thread and get yourself back into the mindset you need to be in.

Thinking of you [horseshoe and other good luck symbols]

I know just the thing, Jux. I'll keep it in my bag.

I just need to scream right now and can't do it in RL. He hasn't done anything new, it's just that overwhelming feeling of anticipation. I'm seeing a solicitor this week. Have my list of questions ready. But it'll only be a free session so not sure how much we can cover as time will be limited.

Want to get it all out, can't keep it in any longer, the clock is ticking.

The clock is ticking but you've taken control, you've got your list of question (hopefully in order of priority).

You know you'll feel a whole range of surprising emotions over the coming months and years (I remember feeling a bit of an anticlimax when I came home with my baby, I'd never have guessed that could happen).

I suppose it's a case of trying to ride out whatever emotions pop up rather than wondering if your right or wrong in feeling them.

I'm glad you're still continuing to shop around a for the best solicitor though, very sensible, as is nothing else a few free sessions will give you more knowledge or idea than if you just stick with the first you'd seen.

Hi Mo just wishing you luck this week. I'm sure it will go ok. Often major stresses can become such big scarey things that we are suprised when we take plunge how things fall into place.

Have you picked which of his bottles you are going open after you have told him??

Joy I haven't seen any solicitor yet! So this will be a first for me. But I feel ready and prepared (sort of).

Akire you are lovely, your posts always make me laugh

Mo, make sure you post a photo of the opened bottle on your FB page for H to see