Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Nothing to be embarrassed about, Mo, plenty of people have had to do the same.

You could email him starting with sorting out a regular time for him to call, thus proving yourself to be concerned that you missed each other and are being reasonable, putting the children's relationship with their father first.

The second para can be Random's suggested wording for the extra money.

what about, "I have borrowed £5 from "mutual male friend" for x, please remember to transfer this amount asap so that I can repay him. fucking annoying that you won't just add this to last payment as you've known of this necessary expense since x

This must just be miserable for you.

Yes I agree that you should mention first that it was a shame for the children that you both missed the Skype. (He is so busy on a w/e that he couldn't try a 2nd time?) Tell him he suggests a fixed time

I was thinking the other day, that the likely spends more on beers & coffee for himself & his buddies, than on you as a family per day.

Sell stuff on ebay? Just a thought xx

Springydaffs did you mean sell some off his stuff on Ebay .

Keep it very simple?

Hi XXXXX
Please could you put £X in to my account for the activity I need to do on whichever day?

Thanks
Mo

I sent it and as some of you suggested, added something else to not make it purely about the money. Which happened to be about our youngest not being well. Eventually he replied with a very simple transferred x. Which was actually a bit more than I'd expected - very odd. This time he didn't ask me to itemise and detail exact costs before sanctioning. And that was it. No asking how she is, what was wrong, have you taken her to the doctor. Nothing. And no well wishes for the thing I have to do. It's so fucked up. I try not to get emotional, but when he doesn't wish his own children well...it's just extremely disturbing.
His lack of interest this weekend actually made me worry that he'd either gone away for the weekend again or that something else was wrong, so I checked the site he usually updates that he doesn't know I have access to. Still drinking the same old drinks with the same old people. Zero excuses, not tied up with work, not ill, nothing.
It does feel like he is waiting for me to crack, to end things even. But I'm just speculating because I know so little of what goes on in his head.

To be honest, it looks like he is playing the same waiting game as you.
It would be impossible not to notice the cold war going on. He cannot be so immersed in his work that he hasn't noticed he hasn't actually spoke to you in weeks. Sadly this includes caring about the well being of his children too.
It seems he has emotionally checked out of your relationship & just waiting to see if you actually act. or is having an affair & assumes you are too stupid to realise?
After all, a real life separation will be more expensive than it is now.

Well, I suppose you're right there. With things as they stand, it's not costing him much at all to 'maintain' us. But I can't accept his disinterest in his kids. It's sick, especially because when he finally returns they will be all over him, daddy daddy we missed you etc. Well daddy didn't miss you. But I can't say that.

No, you can't. But they will see it for themselves eventually. It's a long game, but in the end he will lose. Remain dignified and true to yourself, love yourself and your children.

Just posted this on another OP's thread I thought of both of you when I read it, I know your marital status is not the same but courts can and do see the wood for the trees

www.theguardian.com/money/2016/mar/14/divorce-judge-businesswoman-family-fortune-jane-morris

I know so little of what goes on in his head.

Who cares? What's going in your head is what is relevant here. I personally have no interest at all in what's going on in the head of a man who keeps his partner and kids so short they squeal. Nope, that sort of person doesn't interest me in the slightest.

I get it he's got you fixated on him - but do you get it? He's no-one special; just one bod walking on the planet, one of billions. He is just one bod who has woven a web around your head and heart. It's a fake web btw, no real power to it. He did it so slowly it was devastatingly effective - we are all susceptible to this type of manipulation and control btw.

But here I am telling you that the cult he has signed you up to has no power, no hidden depths, no wisdom, nothing of importance at its core. It's just manipulation and control/smoke and mirrors. It's trickery.

Have you read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft?

AngryMo there's no point in trying to figure him out. It will just take up head space you need for yourself. I've spent years trying to understand WHY my ex does the things he does - he's a cunt. Simple as that.

Your h he's a cunt.

So the good news: barriers all lifted, lights are amber....by next week they should be green. I so want to do this. But I am shitting myself a little bit too, obviously.

Well done onwards & upwards

KOKO

brave lady!

onwards & upwards Mo !

Brilliant news, Mo.

Fab news

Freedom is in sight, scary yes, but imagine yourself, a year from now being able to breathe easy, remember on the last thread I painted a picture of you and the children having a nice day out together, a friend over in the evening for a glass of wine and a chat? A relaxed life making your own choices and not having to beg for extra crumbs or butter him up if you or the children need a pair of shoes - it's nearly here Mo, soon you can fly free.
He won't understand, you are probably mad, unreasonable (he will say) , you will wobble, feel guilt perhaps, all normal - your future is waiting for you and there are lots of us cheering you on. Nearly there, KOKO.

Fab news Mo. I was shitting myself when I left my first marriage - it was just me, no kids in the picture and I did wobble a little - but the liberation I felt as I drove off with all my worldly possessions loaded into my car was intoxicating!! KOKO xx

Wow Mo that's great news. You so so can do this. Things can only get better. We will all be still here if you have the odd wobble as you get going. We are all rooting for you.

Hope you are managing to sleep well. Are you planning telling people family/friends the D-day. Think be helpful for them to know on X day you are telling him so you have support ready.

You said upthread that you wouldn't let him win. There is only one way to do that and to let him think he has won. Its a much more complicated game to play. But with some careful thought it's doable. I'll get on and read the rest and hope this advice isn't too late.

My ex wanted to punish me so when I offered 50/50 for the kids, he said no- you wanted them you keep them. I was fucking delighted, but by that point we weren't talking without a lawyer present, so he didn't know.

When he realised a year later, that I had won this one he took me back to court but lost and looked like a total tool to boot.

God I've caught up now. I'm on tenterhooks to know the next bit. Its a bit like listening to the archers!

I think you are in an inevitable mind set that takes years to get out of. He is your point of reference for everything, so before you make a decision you think what would he think, say, feel about this.

I did the freedom program online. It is good. Worth doing and then doing again in RL when you can. I have also bought but not finished Why does he do that. Also worth getting. I'm sure someone on here would happily send you a copy if they haven't already. It changed the way I thought about my ex.

Wally, clever, but what a risky game you played - which you were brave enough to play because you must have had a good idea how he would react. I'm shocked he went back to court for them - wow. However in my case, if I did the same, he'd just say fine, and then hand the kids to his mum to look after and the thought of his mother effectively having half the parental responsibility is unthinkable and makes me shudder. He'll do anything to feel like he's won without actually thinking what's best for the children. The best thing in all of this is that I've been the main carer most of the time and then effectively the sole carer for six months. He has no chance.

It's all going to kick off in the next week or so. I can feel the tension in my gut and the anticipation.