Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

You didn't pick up my hint about the Freedom Programme (sorry to bang on)

I forget if it's been mentioned here before but I couldn't recommend it more highly
Do get on it, meet others, get to see what you're dealing with... It's a safe and manageable environment. It's a bit like years ago I read Toni Morrisons Beloved as part of the A level eng lit syllabus. There is no way I could have read that book on my own but it was manageable with a group. Same with the Freedom Programme.

• Though the FP is not all bad, mind! Had some great times there and met some great women, really inspiring and lovely like me arf Plus got a proper glimpse of what being free would look like. There is nothing like the high of that.

Sorry Springy, didn't mean to ignore that! I think I looked at it when it was mentioned before but there wasn't a course located close enough to me.

Google for the freedom programme online x

Just dropping in, been following this, you are doing great and your dc will be grateful for your actions in the long run. They have a fantastic mother to look up to.
Good luck with barrier 2 and 3

It's good to look at the FP online but groups are better. It's that RL thing again.

Wasn't sure if the OP knew there was an online option rather than not doing anything because there wasn't a group close enough.

Hmmm I might have to think about it again then. You make a very good point about the RL thing!

Most lawyers would say it is better to stay in the home - the children get stability, don't have to change school etc. I realise that that does not entirely separate you from him but as the children get bigger you might get lucrative work and be able to buy out his interest in the house anyway. I was lucky that I worked full time so could remortgage and buy my ex out so we had a clean break and I agree they are psychologically better but even if you moved to worse rented accommodation you will in a sense be tied to him in that he is likely to have a right to see the children. On balance at least seeking legal advice as to your rights to stay in the famly home is worth doing even if the solicitor says your other half does not earn enough to pay the mortgage, child support and house himself so the house will have to go. It is worth asking about those rights as it tends to be nicer for children to stay in the same house if possible.

Mo, you need to look at the immediate solution that is best for you & DCs.
Who knows what the future brings, as Gratias says, in a year a lot of things can happen. You could get a job that meant you would be happy to move nearer to, or your parents, or a new bf !
You will sadly have to have dealing with XP, for a long time yet. I am guessing he would rather sell, or buy you out, once he discovers he cannot throw you out !

I know it's a way off but if you end up staying in the house for the time being with a mesher order you could look at selling up when the DC move to secondary school as it's a natural change of stage anyway. Obviously it would mean commuting back to primary for the younger ones but again, just a thought out there.

My worry about living in a substantial home is the substantial bill that come with it. Do you even know how much the gas/electric/water/council tax are?

May I suggest that a new home & a new start would be refreshing ?
frightening, challenging maybe, but yours........ new horizons.

I'm absolutely not averse to the new home/fresh start idea. Especially since I have so many memories, good and bad, here. But the thought of him living somewhere more spacious than us makes me queasy.

Understandable.

Bcs you want to win? But he wants to win - and he most of the power, will go to the ultimate depths (and beyond) to win. He will use the kids to win, that's how low he will go. He is prepared to repeatedly use the kids to win - whereas you won't do that. You couldn't possibly! But he can - and does.

Step out of the ring? He isn't the master of your soul.

Uh, I'm sounding a bit woo there.

What I mean is: if you lock horns you will lose - bcs he fights dirty (and, let's face it, holds the purse strings). I fear the impulse is still strong in you to win.

BUT he doesn't have ultimate power over you. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. Wherever you end up, and he ends up, you'll still have your freedom. That is priceless Mo. That's where it's at.

Well said, springydaffs.

You need to change the way your thinking about your new homes. You may have to have a smaller house, but yours will be warm, happy and full of love HOME. His will be a empty large, cold HOUSE with him rattling around it. It will never be a home it will always be house as he is not capable to put the love in to make it a home.

Which would you rather live in, which would your children want to live in.

Exactly. springy & clutter bug have said it.
Think of comparing, cold black marble empty gleeming surfaces, or , a fridge covered with paintings & splashes of hand prints. breakfast in bed, children's laughter.....
As for the size of the house...... he will win financially. but lose completely

It's not the size of the house that matters to me I suppose, it's rather that he will think he still hasn't 'lost' because I'll be squeezed into a small house with all the kids most of the time while - as you put it quite rightly - he'll be rattling about on his own and will easily be able to accommodate all the kids for a few days a month.
But then why do I care what he thinks...I really don't. But the thought of him actually thinking I've got the short end of the stick really irks me.

As you said, this isn't about what he thinks and it's not a game. This is about you not being his little woman who'd to put up and shut up at home whilst he does whatever the fuck he likes and you bend to his every whim.

It's sad because it's not about this, but I'll probably want to try my damnedest to show him how happy I am after we separate and things are settled. Hopefully once I've really moved on though I won't care a jot.

Springy: I'm going to cartwheel out of that ring!

Detachment is the golden rule ! if you are bitter & twisted it means he still controls you in some way.
Who says you don't get a decent job & adequate salary to live in a house you love later ?
Indeed when you get out of this miserable situation, you will hopefully not look back. but look forward !

It's not the size of the house that matters to me I suppose, it's rather that he will think he still hasn't 'lost' because I'll be squeezed into a small house with all the kids most of the time No change there then except you will have more money and be able to spend it how you like.

You won't need a big house Mo, you won't have his massive ego taking up so much room
You will be better off, no reason to think you won't have a great career in the future and who cares if he thinks he has won? Maybe he will end up alone, maybe he will meet a high flyer with a stellar career, maybe you will meet a kind and generous man to share your life - who knows? I do know, you will be able to breathe again and give the children a good life, You sound such a strong woman and a fantastic mother. Go back to your very first post, you doubted that there was even a problem, you have come a long way and the only way is up. Keep on silent assassin, it won't be long now.

If you were all squashed into a one bed flat, he would still be giving you more money than he does now. That will hit him really really hard and won't go away ever.

If the children are happy in their new place, smaller than they're used to perhaps, but happy enough, he will know. That will be another slap in the face to him, that you're all OK without him. He would want you to fall apart without him.

And he'll be giving you more money.

No matter what, he will always go back to that: he's giving you more dosh.