Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Sorry to hear this is hurting you Mo. Be strong.
You need to get this over with & start living again.

Don't be sad AngryMo, this is the start of a new life. He has not been your "partner" for a long time and the one good thing you have out of his financial abuse, is that you know how to budget and stretch money better than most of the rest of us.

I called an outreach number for a local women's refuge and spoke to a very well informed and helpful woman who gave me some great straightforward advice.

She gave me the details of a local solicitor who offers a drop in service for free legal advice, so as soon as I can I will get myself down there, once I've made a list of things I want to know. She said there's nothing to stop me going to several solicitors for a free half hour of advice if I don't get what I need in one go.

She also said, since I've now made up my mind that the relationship is over and there is no going back, I should just get on with it and tell him, in the most amicable way I can, as I'm ready to get on with the rest of my life and there is no point stalling any more. I agree with this as I am at that point now - decision made, I don't want him in my life and nothing he can do or say will change that now. She said there are only two ways he can go: agree to sell or not, and if he doesn't agree that's the point where I need to involve a solicitor. She was quite firm in trying the amicable route first, which feels right to me. If he starts acting up then of course, I'll have no other choice but at least I tried.

She said if I call him to end it, then I could ask someone - a friend or my parents - to use loudspeaker and listen in the background, so that if he starts getting abusive I have some support and also a witness.

All along, I've been very confused about the order I need to be doing things in and this has helped. She said as soon as I've told him, to start claiming any benefits I'm entitled to, and reference that exact date as the date of our separation, and of me starting to live as a single parent. She told me to leave CMS well alone for now as that can only aggravate the situation. Basically see what I can do between us first and then if he doesn't comply, to get a solicitor and contact the CMS. That all sounds like great advice and very reassuring, as they feel like the right things to be doing for me in my own personal situation.

So glad I called. I feel so much better.

Next week, barriers 2 and 3 are coincidentally going to be dealt with at the same time, so the following week I'll be able to get legal advice, tell him its over and start claiming.

I feel like I finally have a plan.

Brilliant. So glad to hear you feel you're getting some structure - it's a huge step. Well done!

Nothing like RL eh. Not that is gals aren't the ticket but something about RL sort of does it somehow.

Onward and upward

Apols for the gal thing. I certainly like it but it seems to go down very badly on here!

Nothing like us WOMEN

Good move Mo. Timings fell into place and you've had sound advice. Keep on with small steps.

Def agree with someone to listen in, write a brief script and don't deviate. Stay on fact and don't get dragged into a row. Know when to hang up. Know when no to say anything.

No doubt he'll say hateful things. Please pinch of salt them. And move on.

Been following this thread since the beginning and im really happy for you and how far you've come!!

Absolutely Springy, not discrediting any of the fantastic advice and support I've received through this thread. I guess though sometimes I've received the right advice but not quite at the right time because I wasn't ready for it. I'm sure it would be helpful to go right back to the first thread and re-read it all and pick out bits of advice that are probably more relevant now that I've moved on.

Thanks Dung - a script is a great idea.

Yes, decide what you need to say & write down notes.
having your parents/good friend/support present is good, also you can record Skype.
Make sure the children are in bed, or out. & there will be no interruptions.
When you have said you piece, don't get drawn into arguing, or justifying.
It is what it is. He must know that this cold war could only go on for so long.
Obviously threats will be made re finances.
Beware & prepare for PIL attacking & immediate visit from SIL.
Don't let her in.

Still cheering you on Mo - freedom beckons, the gilded cage is nearly open.
I applaud your strength

I'm glad to read that barriers 2 and 3 are being resolved to coincide with you being ready to draw a line under the relationship and move on.

Huge hugs you have done so very well to get to this point

I don't know if you want to prepare something to tell your in-laws simultaneously so he can't get there first and cause problems? You know them best but something to think through as well. I'm not sure how often MIL visits to spend time with the DC at the moment and whether you think she will continue or instructed not to etc?

Hi mo so great to hear your update. You have come such a long way! I know things have been more or less at a standstill for the last month but only you can know when you are ready to jump ship and take plunge so to speak.

Sounds like you have had excellent advice so far and about how start claim. I do agree with you over not asking for CMS straight away this isn't likely to go down well ESP when he's away and if he didn't continue with basic amount then you have that route later.

We are nearly close enough to planning that virtual party!

Mo, you're doing so well. Onward and upward!

Springy, I dont mind "gals", provided it's a gal saying it.

Great update Mo

At least you can see the light at the tunnel and will soon be

FFFFFrrrrrrrrrrrEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Well maybe - but RL just does it for some reason. Tis why I bang on and on and on about the Freedom Programme.

Talking of which...

Mo
Just a thought!
Are u able to stay in the house until your youngest reaches 18??
Or is that just for married couples!
That way you can stay put, I know you said you want your win place
But why not have less stress, stay put and let him PAY

The great thing about Skype is you can record it. And of course, you don't have to use video if you don't want, so you don't have to see him.

Mo, you're doing so well - when I read the part in your last post about barriers two and three being dealt with next week, in my head I kept hearing "tear down this wall!!"

I hope you've not been forgetting to regularly open a bottle of his your wine while you've been trying to figure this all out.

If the house is in joint names as tenants in common as to 50% ownership each then even though not married it is possible under the Children Act in order to house the children the poster might get the right to stay in the house until the youngest child is 18 or until she remarries or cohabits and an obligation on the father to pay the mortgage. The free solicitor advice sounds worth taking just to find out if it's legally best to stay in the jointly owned home.

174law.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/COHABITING-PARENTS-CHILDREN-ACT-SCH-1-APPLICATIONS.pdf

Wow, Mo, you've taken enormous strides! Well done!

Thats fantastic Mo, and so glad to hear that the barriers are coming down next week and you can actually move forwards

I'm definitely going to investigate the mesher order possibility. How does that normally come about though? I mean, I'm not sure which is the better outcome: him behaving, accepting the situation and agreeing to sell and then finding ourselves living in rented accommodation further from schools (which would not be great when I have the 9am-12pm-3pm school drop off/pick up scenario) and even with the equity from the house in the bank, no possibility of buying a big enough house for us to live in on my own BUT at least I'd have severed ties with him financially OR him being an arse, me being forced to seek legal help and enforce a mesher order but then be tied to him until the kids are much older and live with probably a much more intolerable relationship with him. I think I prefer the first scenario but I have to think about what's better for kids and obviously staying in their home would be better with friends and family close by as it is at the moment.

Does anyone have any other suggestions for useful things to ask a solicitor? Housing is my main worry but just in case there is something else I should be thinking about.

And just another silly thing: I had to email him tonight (to ask for cash for something for the kids, what else) and wrote it so impersonally that, I kid you not, I actually went to write "best regards" at the end as if on autopilot, just like a work email or something. That's the sum of our relationship right now. Well, if he insists I ask for money for every single trivial thing, then I'm hardly going to write Would it be OK if you give me £10 extra this week for DS's school trip? Love you lots Mo xxx HELL NO. I wish I had written best regards now...

My ex used to do a similar thing with the money. In fact, when we split he wouldn't let any money actually get into my actual hands but insisted on paying directly eg is had to reserve something in a shop and he'd go to the shop later to pay for it. Children's shoes iirc.

Anyway, not about me. Except to say he got much worse once we split. Forewarned and all that

Oh FFS Springy. I wonder if your ex and my STBEx would get on! I have to wonder though, how could it get worse than that...?