Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Joy, your advice is so measured and helpful, thank you. I wish there were more landlords who think like you do but I'm doubtful all about that! Whenever I see something that raises my hopes - even if it's a bit further away/smaller/less ideal for whatever reason, scrolling down and seeing in print "NO HOUSING BENEFITS" just makes me heart sink. I hear you though, and I mustn't give up.

*my not me

Mamia, no I have sort of moved away from WA since my first calls a couple of months ago but totally, they could still help, as could CAB again. Thanks for suggesting it.

It's my pleasure. My advice is still to try the ones that say no HB because you'll have more rent in advance/guarantor/deposit/want stability.

It does put you in a strong position despite the assertion of 'No HB'.

You've got a lot going for you and need to be confident in projecting that.

I can appreciate that to you, it seems like no HB means just that. I can assure it really doesn't. It's just a standard thing for many to weed out those without vision or ambition. You lose nothing by being confident in trying. The worst that can happen is that people say no. There's no black list so no harm in selling yourself as the ideal tenant

Oh and any contact you make with landlords, do so on the phone, not email. I've never let to those who can't be arsed to call. I like to hear people's vioces and get a better measure of who they are. Calling rather than emailing will put you streets ahead of those that don't from the get go

Fantastic tips, thanks again

I'm off to bed now. Sleep well Mo

This is just a 'feel sorry for myself on a Sunday night' moment. The little ones have been wonderful considering how little they are for Mother's Day and making sure I know I am the best mum in the world but the fact that golden balls (my friend used it when talking about P the other day and I quite like it as a new NN ) has ignored it has probably just got to me, even though it was expected. It's quite hard seeing men, dads, going out and buying stuff for their wives or taking them out etc. for Mother's Day.

Did he not even acknowledge Mother's Day Angry? That's pretty low.

I think you'll be ok finding somewhere, as people have said you'll have a huge deposit and that's worth a lot. Or even a ha house?

Oh don't be disheartened by all that.

Your life is going to be so much richer because he won't be in it, trying to dictate what the DCs buy you and how much they spend! Time for new traditions.

When I was single with 3 little ones and ex wouldn't even help them make a card they used to worry about not having anything for me to open. We used to make a big deal of going to a supermarket cafe for lunch and then they'd choose me a pair of slippers and a bar of chocolate (that I'd pay for!) and there was so much love involved that we didn't need ex!

This is a funny old time. I remember being really upset when ex took off his wedding ring - but I had left him! Bcs he was a frighteningly controlling, mind, but it still hurt when he did that.

Maybe it's feeling it acutely when we are not respected, cherished? I have no idea - but I think emotions fly all over the place at a time like this.

You're a fab mummy btw

Actually, he may just be completely unaware of Mothers day. plus depending in what country he is in it may well be another date (ex USA, & Where I live in Europe) he probably hasn't even noticed. or seen the UK TV, radio.

But as there is a cold war on between you, he may have decided to punish you, it's true. More hurt....... Bastard. Your kids are so lovely to have tried without him. xxxx

Mix, I wish that were true, but he was aware alright. I overheard the kids telling him all about it the day before on skype, and it was all over social media, and I could see his trail. Which I suppose made it worse. He knew and deliberately ignored it. An extra fiver to buy myself some flowers would have been asking too much. It's really nothing surprising, but hurts all the same. I know it's just a commercialised day like Valentine's Day or whatever, but when you are suddenly NOT part of it, it really becomes highlighted.
I should focus on the good bit though: I got the best part of it, genuine excitement from the kids to give me my toast in bed and little presents to open, and not just a bunch of flowers bought as an afterthought at a petrol station because he saw it advertised.

Sorry to hear that Mo, clearly he is not trying to appease the situation in even the smallest way ......

Does he ever make the effort and buy you something for your birthday and Christmas from the kids?

At least your kids showed you how much you mean to them

No, he can't do sweet little gestures like that. He does presents, but they are usually flash ones that make the room go "ooh lucky you" - such as an expensive gadget or something but nothing with feeling. I think he likes the reaction and impression a fancy present gives, look at me, I'm such a great, generous person. They are nice things to have, but he would never understand that a cheaper but more thoughtful present would mean so much more to me. I'd just sound ungrateful though if I ever said that.

So many men (sorry for stereotype) just can't take the time, or never learned the skill of "thinking"..... what his partner would really like.......
Is it because they are selfish, or stupid, or uncaring ?.
Just I don't think your miserable git of a partner is the only one... :o(

why can't I do smileys on a mac ?

Oh no I definitely don't think he is the only one! It's definitely mostly a man trait, for the want of stereotyping. And most couples could probably laugh it off or would realise the upset to their partner if they forgot an important date.
If his attitude to money was consistent, I could forgive his lack of thought in other areas. But unfortunately giving me an a expensive Christmas present doesn't undo a whole year of stinginess. Obviously I'm oversimplifying....

Well, surely he's done you a favour by ignoring the day so blatently. Wouldn't you feel wrong-footed if he'd actually done the right thing for a father to do?

Hang on a minute though - this isn't just your bog standard thoughtless man. You are currently up to your neck in domestic abuse.

No this is him showing me, no matter the importance of an event or an occasion, by not even acknowledging it, he is more powerful than me. Or so he believes.

He will never back down, so yes, in a way, by continuing his behaviour, he is reinforcing my decision to leave by knowing it is the right decision.

Childish, pathetic, embarrassing behaviour. And people are starting to notice it too. So more fool him.

it certainly sounds to me that the marriage has irretrievably broken down and it doesn't really matter who thinks what on each side it is just over. Thankfully divorce law does not look at fault so there is no need to prove things one way or the other these days. I don't like or want presents and don't like to bother with mother's day and would always be more than happy if a husband or partner bought nothing or remembered nothing but if he knows it matters to you that he buy something for your children to give to their mother than he should as your children are too young to buy something themselves. Although to be fair in plenty of families the parent doesn't buy the other parent something for mother's or father's day so it just depensd what your family tradition is.

I would concentrate on getting legal advice on if you can get an order to keep him out of the house and you get the house or progress planning to move/rent and even getting a full time job because ultimately that will ensure most of all that he cannot control you as you won't depend on him at all. The only thing my ex could do to hurt me after the divorce was not see or have the chidlren (as I paid him on the divorce and he is obliged to pay us nothing) so being a bit like yours - they look for the only way they can continue to hurt you. As he knew I'd want him to have the chidlren 50/50 so we each got a break as each worked full time, he thus decided not to have the children even for a night a year. We have managed. It's been fine and in fact simpler due to his lack of involvement. Life can be very good indeed without a partner, better than being married or in a relationship for many of us particularly once we have had our children. I have had boyfriends since but I would not move anyone in again I've decided ever. It's absolutely wonderful just living with your children.

DeoGratias - the OP is not married. Her situation is much much bleaker because of it, unfortunately.

I'm really very sad. Before, even when there was fighting, there was some communication. He doesn't care. I'm in two minds just to email him to say it's over, we might as well put the house on the market and I'll stay here with the kids until it's sold unless I find somewhere else for us to live before. He'll have to keep paying the mortgage and bills because they are in his name. If he threatens to stop his miserly allowance, he won't know I can start claiming benefits, but I'll tell him I'll contact the child maintenance people to sort out the payments so we don't have to discuss money ever again.
As we are not married I just can't see any point getting legal advice. Before I thought it was the only way to go, but not any more. It's going to cost me money I don't have, enrage him even more and ultimately not get me very far as I have few rights as it is.
In fact, I'm going to call the WA and CMS now for further advice.