Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

I was hopeful before that at least, even if it's hard to begin with, I'd manage just fine (and still believe that because I won't have him dictating) but now the reality of me not finding a property is just quashing all of that.

Have you got somebody that could go as guarantor?

I haven't asked yet, but yes, I could probably get my parents to act as guarantors. If they can afford it, I can ask to borrow a few months' rent upfront and then pay directly to them. If they can, they'll definitely do that, I'm sure.

Springy I am desperate to not let him win! Not that I see this as a game, but he certainly does and he is obsessed with winning. And he will not be the winner in all of this, whatever the outcome.

Dung, I know what you mean about feeling like you're scrounging. It's horrible and it's not what I want to be doing, far from it. But you're right, this is what it's for, it's not for long and I've been paying all my working life. And I don't want it to be for long. I want to work and make enough money for us myself and be happy and make my kids proud. Clichés and cheese, bring it on!

Mo could you just tell him not to come home? That you want to split up and that he should find somewhere else to stay when he comes back?

He won't win. Bcs he's not God though thinks he is Or the King of England ditto Or above the law ditto

More importantly, he is not master of your soul. Do your thing, regardless what he thinks or doesn't think about it.

Now, I'm going to say something salutory: when I locked horns with my vile ex H, I lost. Hands down. It's not a good idea to lock horns with people like this bcs their ruthlessness is bottomless. They 'win' bcs of how low they are prepared to go - and then some. When I did my thing, did what was right for me (and my kids) I won MY battle for ME. Not for him.

He won't win. He can't win - bcs he doesn't own you.

Pony - I could, but he'd never accept it. He's in denial/putting on an act/oblivious, whatever it is. The only thing in his mind is money, rights and ownership, not any of the other many elements of this situation.

What's in your mind? Who cares what's in his. It's a load of bollocks anyway. He has FORM.

Springy, too right. He might think he's winning, because of his stupid salary, and because that's more important to him than anything else. And let him. But he can't have what I will have - happiness without him. True happiness. I just don't care about this house because that's all I'll be losing. Material possessions mean nothing to me, except a few things of little value. I've always been like that, but now more than ever. My mind is focussed on getting rid of stuff and looking after what's important - my kids.

FORM?

You know what he's like, what he does, how he thinks. Because he has blatantly advertised it. Nothing subtle about it: he had kept you on a t-i-g-h-t leash. You and the kids, not enough money for FOOD. Giving you less than you'd get on benefits - when you are supposed to be a partnership.

That form.

Oh right, that form. I was thinking, oh no, not another MN acronym I don't get

Dafty

You're on sound footing for finding yourself a new home then, HB or not!

Go in with a positive attitude of:

I have X months rent in advance plus deposit and I have a guarantor.

I don't think you'll have too much trouble so don't worry about it. Make your plans and don't let your doubts about housing hold you back

Thanks Joysmum. I can be totally calm and focussed one minute, and then all of a sudden I have a panic that I haven't considered x or y and get all worked up again. Caaaaalm. Thank you

...and breathe

Mo
If your not in the position to go back to work just yet, having young ones!
Then housing benefit will pay!
Have a look at your local housing allowance for your area(google it)
It will give you the amount they will pay, if it more then you have to put the rest too.
Your council tax will be minimal few pounds!!

If the house you have seen on gumtree is to your liking(obviously not what you have now) go and see it!!!
The housing benefit gets paid to you(your bank account)
So if it say no benefits perhaps you could borrow say 3 mths rent from your parents to put upfront.
Then when HB gets sorted you can pay them it back.

You might be able to change the locks and not let him home and obtain a non molestation order from a good solicitor if there are grounds. Make the lawyerslook into the new offence of "coercive control" (which may not yet be in force however. You do not need to show violence for that new offence).

I've worked out the housing allowance. Unfortunately it won't go far in my area. I'm having yet another freak out. I just don't know where to turn, how to get out of this. The gumtree properties I saw have both gone and nothing else is showing. All the smaller properties still say no HB. I can't start claiming benefits until I tell him it's over and until I'm more confident I can find a place to move into. What on earth am I going to do, squeeze us all into a two bed place?
I can't change area, damn it I don't want to and why should I be forced to while he can sit pretty wherever he likes on his own, without anything to worry about.
The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. I need a real stroke of luck to make this work but I can't sit here waiting for it, can I?

AngryMo presumably you won't move out until your house is sold. So it's not an immediate thing to sort. Can he work away if you are split up, so that you don't have to share the house with him whilst it's on the market?
Once it's sold, and that may take 3 or 4 months to go through, you can work out your finances properly with his contribution factored in.

You don't have to have ALL your ducks in a row just yet do you? He can't ask you to leave the house

I'm worried that the lack of properties available now is indicative of how tough it is going to be to find somewhere suitable - it's maybe not the best time of year to look, but still. Our house will sell quickly without a doubt and what if I can't find anywhere for us??? The reality of this is the scariest thing of all right now. All my other worries seem secondary right now. I wish I could buy him out but dream on...it's impossible.

I can't just say "I'm leaving you"...because I've nowhere to go.

Have you done a search on Facebook? I'm a member of a local homes for rent group. Likewise keep an eye on shop windows/notice boards. You need to think like a landlord avoiding agents.

Also, don't be afraid to ask landlords who have already just let a property if they know of anything else available and take the time to reinforce your position Re rent in advance/deposit/guarantor. Many of us have more than one or are part of social groups who all are landlords.

It's time to think like a landlord and portray yourself as an ideal tenant, rather than like a desperate tenant.

Play on the fact that you are also older and looking to remain in a rental as long as you can. So many landlords have empty properties once or twice a year because tenant don't stay. This means they only teceive 10-11 months rent a year which makes you a better financial return for them despite being on HB.

You just need to remember you're a better prospect than many for that reason and remind landlords of it

Have you tried talking to Women's Aid for advice and suggestions as to how you can solve your housing problems?