Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

I understand. If you can work out accommodation that's great. I guess you are aiming for the path of least resistance. He must be horrendous. You will post on here one day and you will be free.

how much further out can you live and drive back to schools n stuff? Are you looking at renting or buying at first? Guess this is real nitty gritty when it comes to the last push

Could you afford to rent a smaller property?

Maybe the children share a room (Well, at least in the short term)?

I think your plan is a good one, self preservation and all that.

Defo go through the CMS in regards to money, this way he cannot argue with the amount that he will have to pay.

Two thoughts for you Mo - first, try places like Gumtree as well as the likes of RightMove. I found I couldn't afford to rent through an agent without a guarantor because of my low income (perhaps your parents?) and found a private landlord through Gumtree. I would say this is something you may need to add to your list of things to check out, and go and have a chat with a local letting agent.

Also - have a think about how you want his access to work. Is every weekend what would work for you? Then you would have no 'fun' time with the kids, it would all be school, homework, normal daily stuff. An often-used arrangement is every other weekend, with an overnight during the week as well if he can manage that. Have you had a free half-hour with a solicitor yet? This is the kind of thing you could run past them.

I have to saying renting a property takes time.

Are you hoping to have somewhere ready to go before you tell him? If so how are you going to fund it?

Or is the plan to tell him whilst he is still working abroad therefore giving you time to find somewhere before he next comes back - again how are you going to fund it?

Don't get distracted about the need to stay where you are living now, I know it will be horrible to have to move your DC school longer term but the impact of staying with such an unkind man is far far far greater.

Ditto Gumtree suggestion. It's where I advertise. Agents fees for buyers and sellers are mad! They are very strict on criteria too.

I prefer to go on gut feel for mine.

Offering a guarantor or upfront rent or bigger deposit is s good tact if that could be possible.

Us landlords want as many people on the tenancy as we can so there's more people responsible for paying the rent.

I have to my advantage the fact he won't be in the country for a while. So if I tell him when he's back for a visit, I still have a couple of months to look for somewhere before he's back permanently. It's also possible to claim benefits while still living under the same roof but be separated - you don't actually need proof of this - you just have to sleep in separate bedrooms and not do any household chores together, but it is difficult to prove so they just have to take your word for it. A whacking great "for sale" sign outside the house should help if anyone has any doubts. Also, he can't just turf us out and stop paying the mortgage and bills - they are all in his name. Well mine is on the mortgage but he won't know I have an income. He probably still won't think I'm for real knowing him until the day I sign a contract and move out. He thinks I'm just not capable of doing it probably.
So I'll have time to get a deposit together and be ready to leave when something comes up.
I just looked on gumtree and weirdly there is something just around the corner - a bit more than my budget but it goes to show maybe it is possible. I am actually getting excited about having a place to myself without having to justify a single thing to him. Anyway all of this is post a glass of wine (it is Friday after all), so maybe I'm feeling falsely optimistic...

I don't think mesher orders generally apply to unmarried couples, do they? I don't think there is much legal recourse so a sharp exit to your own place is the ideal option.

Sounds more positive for you then AngryMo

Glad to read your update.

No it is all possible but it will take time and planning and pushing through the very difficult obstacles to get there.

Would your parents be able to loan you any money if need be? Obviously you will be able to repay once the house is sold although he could be very obstructive regarding the house being sold - hanging out for more than it's worth etc. or will he just buy you out?

You definitely need a few independent valuations I think so either way you have evidence for it to be sold at a realistic price to either him or others.

That's great news Mo , so you can start claiming child Ben and tax credits now and build up something for when you do move out?

Sorry - I didn't know that about Mesher orders. Great that you're pushing on Mo

Glad to hear some positive vibes Mo

Glad to hear some positive vibes Mo

Mo, it sounds encouraging. And I'm full of admiration for you.

How are you getting on?

Thanks for asking. Absolutely bugger all happening here. No change. Nothing to report. No contact except for the usual bare minimum once a week. It's depressingly awful how I'm just in limbo, waiting for the right moment although our relationship is effectively already dead and has been for some time. I honestly don't know how he thinks he can turn up and carry on as normal, even with all his delusions and power obsession, he must know we are not even going to be in the same bed ffs, having meals together and sitting together in the evenings. And I'm certainly not partaking in an event he has rsvped for us to go to when he's here. What partners go two whole months only speaking once briefly and never in that time asking how the other is doing? It's a bizarre, bizarre situation.

However on a positive note, barrier 1 of 3 is sorted. So only two more to go...

And it's constantly on my mind how I'm going to tell him/what words I will use/when exactly I will do it etc. etc. If became when a long time ago now and because of the way we are physically apart and not communicating, I have already adjusted to life on my own with the children.

It might be higher up the thread, but is the house in joint names and are you married or living together?

Most lawyers would advise you stay in the house whilst divorcing or are you not married?

Joint names, not married. I wouldn't (or couldn't) leave anyway. Even if I am far from finding a new property for the DC when I tell him, he will just have to wait until we do.

Well that is progress one barrier down and two to go.

Just think when you are getting CB & CTC in your own name - actual cash in your hands and then when you start claiming for CMS from him.

Hello OP, dekloaking lurker here :)

Really admire your strength in this horrid situation & think you're doing brilliantly!

Doesn't feel like it right now i'll bet but this time next year you'll look back in relief & wonder at your new found calm, peace & ever increasing happiness.

Just wanted to champion gumtree for private rentals as well - through reasons i won't go into here i had to move 4 times last year with a cat in tow & ever increasing deposit difficulties.

There are some really great landlords out there willing to give people a break.

I'd say don't go into too much detail when applying & be honest about your needs during the viewing eg where i am now (own front door at last, hurrah :)) the landlady was happy to accept deposit split over several months, didn't object to the cat (despite cream carpets everywhere & a long haired 'sheddy' bugger :)) & even waived her insistence on 3 months bank statements when i made it politely clear i considered that too intrusive.

Anyway, rambling on here

Just thinking of you Mo

Actually, that's a great update! Relative calm, and some progress.

It doesn't have to be all about excitement here on Lake Woebegon...

Well 1/3 is great. Only two more to go now.....the silent assassin

Joint names is good. Is it 50/50 held as joint tenants? You might want to sever the joint tenancy so if you die your half goes to your children (under a new will ) and not to him. It is fairly easy to "sever the joint tenancy" - notice to partner and send to land registry but not something to do until you are ready for a bit of trouble from him. he cannot stop your doing it. My father did it whilst married to and continuing to live with our mother his wife and indeed they lived together until death. He was just a bit worried that if he died first (he didn't in the end) she might not leave her share to us children - which she did anyway but he was mildly concerned she might do something silly with her half.

Probably already been said but how old are the children? If you don't work and you look after them and they are quite young and they would choose you they probably will mostly stay with you. My ex husband (we were married) and I both worked full time and I was worried I would lose the 5 children but as the teenagers would choose me and the younger ones would not be split by a court from the younger ones the children have lived with me since. It is very difficult getting free of these kinds of fairly abusive men, even in my case as someone who earned more than he did. Even worse if you have no divorce rights as not married and no economic power but good luck with it.