Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

It's designed to humiliate you. Of course it's working - how could it not? He holds all the cards (both literally and metaphorically!). His ultimate sanction is just to stop sending money to you full stop.

Would your friend lend you money if you promised to pay it back once you were free of him? I'm sure she would.

I'd find something of value of his and pawn it for a month to buy food.

I'd then E mail telling that once again he has not topped the shopping card so to enable me to buy food for our children I've pawn XXX and he has 30 days to get it out. And you will stand for neglecting his children while he can eat 3 times a day with out worry.

Clutterbug's suggestion would definitely be something I would consider seriously in your shoes. I would sort all the more valuable pawnable things of his and take them to my parents'. Every week I would pawn one. I would send him texts/emails giving the deadlines, and listing what the money was spent on - you're not going to be buying lobster and caviar, so it'll all be reasonable. Use the card money for things like loo roll and cleaning stuff, and use money to buy food, uniform, after school clubs etc. Just lift your life and that of your children a little bit up from subsistence level.

Take screen shots of everything he's doing at the same time, socialising with friends, boozing, eating out at expensive places etc.

When the time comes, you can put both lists side by side. It'll highlight the contrast.

Pawn shop is genius, you can pay for your SHL

What an utter bastard

When the time comes, you can put both lists side by side. It'll highlight the contrast.

But in his mind, he is entitled to spend what he likes because he earns the money. There's no way around this. I would be concerned that giving a detailed breakdown of spending is what he wants, so that Mo can essentially be submitted expense claims for every penny spent. He probably is expensing quite a lot of his own spending whilst he's overseas, so perhaps this is partly why this seems reasonable to him.

Bear in mind as well, he doesn't see Mo's contribution to the family as enabling him to work. If she wasn't there for some reason he would simply instruct his mother to care for the children. That's what women are for.

The thing is though it's not that he is a misogynist - he respects working women, had a female boss for many years who he got on very well with. He just has a thing about anyone not actively earning, male or female, bringing up children, staying at home, whatever it is. A friend, not a very close one, recently gave up his job to look after the DC and his reaction was just the same as if it had been the woman - he just couldn't understand why anyone would do that and was completely derisive about it. His childhood and parents have a lot to answer for.

Does his mum work then? I thought she was under financial control from her DH sort of thing??

Work is only work if it carries a paycheque. I know that attitude well. Some very ignorant people around.

Donners - his mother was given a similar deal but worse than mine - no housekeeping at all, from what I understand so she had to fund it herself even when heavily pregnant/with a young baby etc. No maternity leave or pay in those days. At least I had all of that so can't imagine how awful that must have been, while her H did nothing to help with the children and parked his new car on the drive.

Every time I update my DH on the latest of your saga as more is revealed he is like this ---->

Shocking form his father, no wonder he's as bad as he is, though you think being in the real,world would have knocked some sense into him !

how are you doing mo?

Thanks for asking Yolo, I'm OK. Got my second CAB meeting today. As usual nor further contact with P.

Good luck today Mo, hope it goes well.

Wishing you all the best for today

I'm following your thread with horror, Mo. The only thing that gives me joy is that you're angry. I hope today's meeting goes well.

Good luck Mo hope you get all the information you need.

I hope it goes well too Mo

Hope it goes well today

Hope all went well today

Hope the meeting was helpful, Mo. You are doing really well, and are well on the way to a much happier life. Be strong.

Thank you for all your good wishes! Yesterday went fine, it was mainly to discuss the financial side of things. All I can say is, for all its criticism, thank god for our welfare state. Without it I simply wouldn't be able to leave and it gives me time to sort myself out to stand on my own two feet. I will be able to manage on benefits and CM alone for the short term, can work part time when the youngest goes to nursery and gradually increase once they are all FT.

My major concern now has shifted on where to live. I've looked online in my area and there is ZERO available. Only two properties came up that are way out of my budget! Obviously I have to hope something comes up and jump on it when it does but the lack of choice is terrifying. I don't want to move area or be forced to. I'm not sure what to do next as I can't tell him anything until I have housing options.

Well done Mo. Did they talk to you about a Mesher order at all? I'm not sure if there's a reason you're not pursuing it and understand if you want to be able to cut all ties, but it does seem fitting to your situation.

Hi Kitty, I'm avoiding the legal route at the moment. If I have to get legal, then I will, but for now I want to avoid riling him up any more than necessary and just keep my reasons as brief and simple as possible - I'm not happy and our relationship is not what it used to be so it's time to move on. We need to sell the house and he can see the kids at weekends. I have to keep it as neutral as possible or I don't think I could handle him in seriously vindictive, angry mode. I know what he's like when he's angry and I just don't want to be at the receiving end. I'll give him the chance to work separation agreements between us, but if he doesn't cooperate then I'll have no choice. Having said that though, I think CMS is the only way to go for financial arrangements, as I simply wouldn't trust him.