Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

I could just kill that man. He has to say things like 'I'm paying anyway so it doesn't matter who pays for it now' (about issue mil is involved with). Yes yes yes we all know it's YOUR money oh mighty one, how could we forget. I so want to launch into him but I know there.is.no.point.
Every tiny interaction results in me absolutely fuming.

He is a prick.

He is a prick. Perfect summation.

I want to get to the point where he can't make me this angry any more because he won't be in my life any more. I'm even worried about the effect his minimal contact with the children when we officially separate will have on them. I have got so much to do to make sure they don't turn out like him.

Sorry you feeling stressed out today. Got any old plates? There is something really really stress relieving over throwing plates! Or Amy worlds best dad mugs hanging around.... Who's to say you didn't slip carrying a load :)

Accidentally boil his fav cashmere sweater. :o)

Clean the toilet with his toothbrush.

How I'd love to smash some plates! Downside is clearing up the mess or I'd be tempted! I've calmed down but am still so angry.
Got a friend coming over later so a natter and a bottle of his wine should do the trick.

Break them outside,malways much easier to clean up broken crockery if it's outside. And you can tell yourself that you're doing it because you need them for drainage in pots you intend to plant up in the spring

Keep notes of how he is with each contact, and how it affects the children, how they react, respond, what sort of things they say about contact for the days after it's happened, and what they don't say.

This may well prove to be an invaluable record and could help your case if you wanted supervised contact only, or even no contact, if his influence or behaviour becomes really bad. Remember, he has no right to see the children. The right is theirs, to have a relationship with each parent, but sometimes the influence is bad enough that it really is better for them to be protected from it.

This is so suffocating. There is only so much relief you can have before it just comes back again. I had a lovely time last night but the noose is back round my neck and feels tighter than ever. I didn't sleep well because he sent me some messages and it started my mind whirring again and the anxiety set in again. All this after me telling my friend the future doesn't feel as scary as it did a few weeks ago. I suppose it still doesn't but I just want something to happen, to change NOW but it's not going to happen now because I have to wait.
I just wish he would disappear and let me live my life. I hate this house now, it's not a happy family house any more. He has destroyed everything and he doesn't even care.

Mo did you get rest of advice from CAB? I know you don't want move out or do anything thing initial he knows. But realistically if you tell him when he's back next could you be counting it down in weeks?

Do you have a 'Do Not Disturb' setting or app on your phone, so that you can make sure you're not notified of contact from him at night? Or even better, so that you aren't notified at all unless you go looking for the emails?

Your MIL is going to follow orders and she is going to assume that you are helpless, because that's what she's been trained for. Thank fuck you aren't going to turn into her. She's just another face of 'the enemy', albeit a less dominating one. Stick purely to facts with your H, no point in emailing to 'tell him off', he couldn't give a toss what your opinion is about any of his actions.

You're living under siege and it is very, very difficult. Could your parents lend you some money just so you have a bit more freedom to act in his absence?

With Mil I used to (and still do) have a don't say any more than is strictly necessary rule, as it's not worth the hassle, she always has an opinion on everything and will tell you whether or not it's appropriate. Recently (in the last 1-2 years) I've been applying the same rule to P. If I tell him anything sensitive or in confidence it's almost guaranteed to be used against me at some point. So I guess just sticking to essential facts now is the next stage. It is so, so hard to stop yourself saying something though in the heat of the moment. It's hard to accept the only feelings I have for him now are sheer anger, hatred and rage. I wish I could just calmly cut off all feelings about him so it doesn't affect me.

I'm really feeling like crap today. A crashing low was inevitable after the highs of this week.

Next cab meeting is next week - I managed to mess up the time of the last one and had to reschedule.

Parents are helping somewhat...but having told them everything they are great at now avoiding the issue and talking about everything else under the sun which is adding to my frustration. It's hard to bring it up if you're not asked about it or even asked so how are you today. I know they obviously find it hard to deal with too but I wish they were more willing to talk.

You are bound to have ups and downs still- don't be to hard on your self. I'm sure your parents would listen if you said I'm feeling really stressed/angry today they probable don't want to bring it up if you seem all positive in the outside.

Would packing/sorting help you feel more in control? I know your not going anywhere yet but just sorting through what books or photos say you want to take is one step closer to moving out and starting anew day.

Or cut up Argos book with fantasy a over how you want your place to look one day!

Sending lots love and chocolate biscuits

He is just doing what he does. Ultimately it won't matter what he sends to rile you. You will be out of his reach soon and he won't be coming back. I think your anger is healthy. I remember many angry months when I first got free, as I processed all the shit treatment he had put me though. KOKO Mo

Maybe your parents are wary of saying too much in case this is all 'just a spat', perhaps caused by him being absent, and imagine that you'll end up back together when he returns. So they're trying to stay neutral just in case.

Akire, yes to sorting and packing, that will definitely help. The state of my loft is equivalent to the state of my mind at the moment. But if I sort it out wow I know the impact it could have. I've already been ebaying some stuff but there is so much more to do.
I have thought about packing a case with important and/or sentimental stuff too. But mostly I look around this house and think to myself I don't care if I never saw any of it ever again.

Was just thinking that Mo. Maybe if parents have space for a few boxes could at least go through baby stuff pic and school stuff for kids so it's one less thing to do in the end.

It's sort of stuff you can throw later but if you have a row and he insists you leave or you decide have leave suddenly with just basics it's sort of stuff he have no qualms about throwing if he knows it will upset you. Don't let him have that sort of control. You just want have choice to keep it or not rather than him being spiteful.

Great idea about EBay any old stuff or baby toys or clothes can be sold especially if all up in loft and not notice. Maybe try grab 4-5 things to EBay this week don't go over board and try do it all in one go!

Tribpot, I think you're right. They believe me and sympathise but they must be hoping things can be resolved somehow as they never openly criticise him. Which annoys me.
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday on a call to my mum and she was just a bit lost for words and asked me irrelevant questions which just made me angry with her! It's not her fault and I'm not really angry with her but I don't think we've ever been really good at tackling important issues as a family (my parents I mean, growing up) and tend to brush them under the carpet so this is no different. A family of bleeding ostriches, we are.

I think it'd be good to send a message to your parents that you're serious (and help to reinforce that message to yourself as well). Such as by taking a suitcase of precious stuff round and asking them to look after it, or by asking them for funds to consult a solicitor (although it's not clear there's any point, I think, given you're not married?) or indeed asking them to help you look at places to rent. I know you're not at the stage of doing that yet but it wouldn't hurt to get an idea of the market, maybe get your face known with the local letting agents, so that they notify you if the right property is about to come on the market.

Do you have friends who can afford to be much more partisan and critical of him?

I remember when my brother separated from s-i-l. He moved back to our Parent's home briefly, before finding accom. My parents were baffled, it appeared to be out of the blue, & they just hoped that the 2 of them would work it out, (there were 3 DCs)... Obviously they loved & supported him, but it worried them, the upheaval, the financial side, the children.
So don't be too upset if there doesn't seem to be 100% back up, & long understanding conversations, Particularly if, as you say, the communication has never been particularly easy.
They probably are talking about it ALOT between themselves, but not fanning the flames.
KOKO Mo

Perhaps you can ask MIL to help out with childcare during the school day so you can get on with clearing out the loft etc. you can just say you have jobs to do but I think you'll find it therapeutic and it will give you some control back. Deciding what to sell, what to keep etc.

For the DC art work and treasures you can take photos of it and keep just a special few. When we moved house we actually got around to buying each child a treasure box that we kept the stuff we kept limited to a box each - they are about 60x50x50.

I would be packing up the things I wanted to take and needed to take now, before he gets back, even if you leave a box or two at different friends and families homes. I couldnt wait until P came home to pack even if you don't leave until he comes home.

I understand with young children the whole process of packing and leaving must be daunting.

Shit I've done it again, I sent a short angry email because my shopping card hasn't been topped up when he said it would be. I told him since we're living on peanuts if shopping money is even a day late it can be a big problem so either increase the money, transfer it directly to me or just get rid of the card altogether if he can't stick to the dates he says. This is the second time.
I can't handle being this wound up by such nonsense, it's totally unnecessary, it's not like his bank account is empty.
He needs to be taught a bloody big lesson. Hate being this fuming angry.

Do you think now would be a good time to channel your fury into a call to the police about coercive control?