Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

The kids won't care where they are as long as you are there. If you've got a good deposit you might get taken on to rent.

Oh jeez, Donners, you've moved country/continent as well?! Seriously the size of my house I know is the least of my worries, it's stupid of me to focus on that. I've lived in all sorts of places in my life, but I suppose concern about space has become an issue for me now, now we have lots of it and I have three kids.
You get so attached to school and the social circle it brings you, imagining life without it is very hard.

Yep if you're in a position to offer a bigger deposit or more rent in advance then private landlords will be more accommodating. Look in Gumtree for private landlords who aren't using estate agents as we are flexible.

His silence is absolutely deafening. Absolutely no contact whatsoever with me for a week (oh and look at that, would you believe we missed Valentine's Day) and his social media activity is just drinking beers at home and chit chat with friends about uneventful stuff and deliberately no mention of families, theirs or his.
He must must must be having a miserable time but is refusing to admit it or show it and backing down is not an option for him. He is obviously also putting on a display of normality for this friends. I wonder if he will actually crack, but I'm sure he thinks I will crack first as he thinks I am suffering wildly by not speaking to him. What he doesn't realise is I'm beyond caring now about him so if he thinks I'm suffering, he's wrong. I'm suffering in other ways, but certainly not because I want things to be as they were between us. I want him to know that soon, I can barely wait.
I'm so glad the grieving/constant collapsing into tears phase is over. Occasionally I glimpse at the future and the thought of it without him and the freedom I will have and the simple choices I can make for my children is giving me pure joy.
Well, that was just a little brain dump!

He must finally have twigged its different this time. At least you are not pestered, but its shocking for the kids.

How long more until he gets back? Is it going to be several more months? If so, can you wait it out? I think you said before you wanted him to be back to talk to him face to face before you decided to pull the plug? Forgive me if I'm misremembering.

It's a while before he's back for good but he'll be back in a few weeks for two weeks. I am dreading it and have no idea what will happen then or how I will handle it. Surely he can't come home, on holiday as he will be, and we will ignore each other the entire time? With the children around it simply isn't possible. It will be unpleasant whatever happens and that may be the time I have to act as I can't see how else it can go to be honest. Maybe I will plan a few days away during that time. But I'll find it hard leaving the children.

One thing is for sure: the guest room will be my room during that time. But oh...the children, especially the oldest trying to figure out what that is all about...it really saddens me. I have to do it and be honest with them, they deserve to know the truth as soon as possible.

Hi Mo nice see you around. When's he been away before have you been one to maintain contact? Or has he noticed that you are not doing chit chat just what you need so he's not making any effort either?

Even in a nasty break up couples do still force themselves to talk for sake of the kids. He's not even done that to check they all ok. Given he's far away and you don't have resources to deal with.

Hard to believe if he's just happy that he can do his thing and not have family ? Considering the control aspect you think he be all over it.

I'm sure when he is back you will be able to work out how to play it if he brings things up or not. If he questions the cold shoulder. You can't ignore it when he's there can you. Or at least if he tries you can wait till he goes back and email him saying that's it it's over. This is what's going happen next _ insert legal advice here.

From what you said about the kids they are happy enough with no contact not asking for him. Probable sense that things are happier and relaxed without him there. Could play that Dad needs room to sleep because of jetlag card. Guess you can't say we are splitting up till he actual knows!

You might be right there, Akire, about them sensing me to be more relaxed at the moment. My eldest said to me tonight as I was tucking him into bed, out of the blue, as they do at that age that he feels happy. I don't know if it has any great significance, but it's not the type of thing he would normally just come out with. The kids definitely can't miss the arguments in front of them, which P would make no effort to have more privately.

To answer your question: before if we've been apart I would say we would have made equal contact, not more one sided than the other. He's definitely mirroring my lack of contact and if he does choose to reply, he mirrors the style I write in if you see what I mean, if I write Hi P, he will write Hi Mo, if I just write in brief sentences with no greetings, he does the same, if I sign off with a kiss (rare obviously but once I did it just to test him) and he will respond P x. So I do wonder if I just launched into Hey love, why so quiet, hope everything is well with you etc. if he would just reply as normal! In a way tempting just to see his reaction.
Anyway he did start all this nonsense of no contact after all, by failing to answer my very first email to him about finances before he even left the country. I have always been willing to discuss obviously.

That's nice about your son, I'm sure he really meant it. Maybe you can use the line of you never answered my first email questions about X y z. I can't live like this anymore somethings got to change. He can then try state his mind boggling explanation or refuse to exchange then it's just as much his doing as yours. Only Because I know you said he end up making it about you being the one to break up not him.

You must be dreading it but least once it's done things can finally start to get better.

I wonder whether it's worth resending that finances email? Just to see what he does. You could completely confuse him by starting off with a breezy cheery greeting and saying you just wondered if he had any thoughts on this since it was sent some time ago and no reply has come yet.

But probably playing those sort of games with him is a bad idea.

It would appear that either he is so arrogant that he knows you are in your place. & doesn't give a shit what the silence is about.
Or is seeing how far he can push you with his silence, & smugly knowing at some point you will come "begging"
Or actually wants out, & is hoping you will be the "bad guy" & bail out, that way he can keep burnishing his halo to his beloved friends.

You REALLY should see a SHL before you have to face him, to know where you stand legally, your rights, & what finance you can expect

I just don't even know how to speak to him any more, by email or whatever. Anything I say is wrong because I'm not doing what he wants so doesn't matter whether I'm aggressive, placid, humorous, brief and unemotional...I keep drafting emails and then deleting them. There just doesn't seem any point. I'm past caring what he has to say, unless it's an apology, which it won't ever be.
He can ignore my emails but because of the children (setting up skype calls) I can't ignore him. He always seems to think he has the upper hand because I can't run away from him.

This is just you realising that there is no point in engaging with him, other to inform him of necessary facts. Drafting and deleting emails was a helpful part of this process. There is no need to craft communication to appeal to him.

You're doing well

So he emails saying he wants to Skype DCs at a certain time, then you set it up & he doesn't even say Hello.
What if you haven't read your emails? what if you plan to be out ?
Would the kids notice if they didn't speak to him ?
I would consider going silent next time he says "I will Skype DCs Saturday at Midday", don't confirm. leave him not knowing.
It may make him respond, if you don't reply surely he will wonder where you are, won't he be forced to telephone ? (don't go on fb he can see if you are logged on)
Then if he calls, say the internet has been playing up. but as all communication has broken down it won't really matter.
He has some questions to answer. & you are waiting for his answers he has time & money to drink beer with his friends, he could take time to call his wife & offer interest & support
he will get nasty & accuse you of refusing to let him talk to his children, to which you say, they are OUR children, I am not a robot, you cannot give me orders & then ignore my existence.

He doesn't tell me when he's going to skype, he asks me which time would suit at the weekend and gives me a few options. I am tempted to ignore this last one though until the last minute, and not because I want to stop the kids from speaking to him but to see what he does. I'd hate for him to accuse me of not cooperating but I will make him wait.

I've been calm and relatively relaxed for the past few days but now it feels like things are closing in. I really want to act but for various reasons I can't do anything just yet - not going to go into detail sorry - and now on top of his silence and general money worries, I've got his mother interfering - she means well but she is going along with this assumption that I am powerless and can't do anything without him because that's how things were for her - and I can't stand her contacting P to tell him things when she should just butt out. I can't tell her not to because I am not going to tell her any more than the bare minimum. I can't stand not being in control of my life for a second longer, it's the worst feeling not just to be dependent on someone but someone controlling and another who interferes.
I'm screaming inside right now...

I can't blame you for screaming inside right now and the maelstrom of emotions that are whizzing round and round.

Maybe it would help you to wring a timeline/record or what you've done so far and what's left to do.

This would help you to appreciate that although your not at the stage you'd like to be YET, you've come a long way up till now and you can tick off the things you'll do in future as part of that process.

You aren't powerless, your power may not be apparent to her or him but you have power. Listing past, present and future will help you to remember that and regain your grim determination and secret smile.

You're getting there

Thank you Joysmum, writing it down is a good idea. I've let all of that slide.
Annoyingly I've had to email P to ask him something (and tell him off for involving his mother unnecessarily). Honestly that man is so used to her doing everything he tells her to do he really does believe he can order anyone about.

Hope it helps you. It's unmumsnetty to give out hugs but I'm sure many of us wish we could right now x

No wisdom, just another un-Mumsnetty hug here. And and

Hi Mo, I expect you feel in limbo a bit right now.
I haven't posted on your thread for a while but I am still cheering you on.
Will he ignore your email bit about his Mum? Oh, the arrogance of this man.

I feel like I overreacted a bit about his mum, I just told her not to worry about the issue and that I'd deal with it and that I didn't know he'd already told her to get involved. I apologised to her to say sorry didn't mean to sound ungrateful, I just didn't know P had instructed her already. I know she just wants to help and she's not to know that actually her son is another mutation of her own controlling husband. She doesn't even know she's been controlled all her life! She might not even view it that way. But I wonder when all this comes out if she will come to her own conclusions about her life too.

Thank you MNers for your ongoing support. I'm sad half term is coming to an end actually. It's been a nice break.