Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Aw [not meant patronisingly]. I've been known to sob uncontrollably watching Call the Midwife. And adverts.

Grief, darling. Grief for what should have been but isn't; grief for you and the kids; grief for even him: the loss of so much hope and promise

Happy Friday Mo any plans for the weekend or just quiet at home?

and/or for you.

Stay strong we are all behind you.

Hope you're okay Mo x

I've been following this closely Mo your DH sounds exactly like my financially abusive husband, who I finally left last year. Even down to the detail of him buying a sports car whilst I am struggling pay for groceries!

Just wanted to say - please don't blame yourself for not realising or seeing the warning signs. If you are a decent person inside you give people chances and don't judge too harshly. We did this, and our Hs took full advantage of this. The erosion of your self esteem comes very slowly and subtly, and before you know it, you are at the very bottom of the pit.

I got to the stage where I was paying my salary into Hs account (around £4-5,000 per month) and he paid me a small allowance each month (£850). This money paid for food, clothes, heating, holidays, nursery and school costs etc for our 3 young children.

He pocketed the remainder of my earnings as I was so bad with money and he was a financial wizard apparently.

I never questioned this. I was so brow beaten and manipulated I thought he knew best.

It's only now I am out I realise how fucked up my marriage really was. You will be the same. You are gathering strength and whilst blaming yourself is part of the journey is really like to give you my hand and say it's not your fault and you are not alone in this. I'm rooting for you. You will do this, and you will be fine. Go Mo!

How is your w/e Mo.....
take at look at this..... I hope it makes you smile !

www.facebook.com/juleslund/videos/616587518429710/

Whatever and however you are doing, it's okay to come back here when you are ready.

Hope you are ok Mo.

Anyone else thinking he has cut off Mo's internet connection.

Or has found the threads?

Oh God, how would that be if he had read them, shudder to think.
hope you are OK Mo, hopefully enjoying half term with the children and friends and family.
Only come back if and when you are ready. Take good care of yourself.

Thinking of you, Mo.

All is well, thanks for worrying about me though! No he hasn't found the threads...he's not interested enough, believe me, to even think about what I'm up to.
His single skype call a week is proving too little contact for the children and now when I say "hey your dad wants to skype, are you ready" the oldest just says no I don't want to...they are not exactly jumping for joy and it's got nothing to do with me saying a word to them about him. I suppose me not even talking about him is having an effect, together with the fact he doesn't even send messages for them or anything.
I'm busy with half term and visitors and plans, so all is good. I've discovered how relaxed I am without him around and how I can totally do this all on my own thank you very much! Only problem is the small matter of the house...
Sorry for being absent. I'm sure I'll be back when he next rattles me but right now I'm not even thinking about him.

Glad you are taking a mental break from it.

Why is the house a problem? Could you buy something else with your half of the proceedings - if you can I'd strongly suggest that get a clean break from him, I wouldn't even trust that he'll stay in the UK for you to rely on CMS payments in the future

Just a thought Mo

As you're not married..... You could just put the house on the market. I realise there are signatories and paperwork that he would need to sign but he's not here anyway so signing would have to wait regardless.

Doesn't actually prevent you taking action.

You have the right to market it without him. And he wouldn't know if you do.

Get it valued and get on with it. You have as much right to force sale immediately as he has the right to say I don't want to sell it.

You could ask him outright for his salary details to agree maintenance amicably or inform him you have applied to CMS (?). Or tell him you will inform his HR dept of the situation. They'd find out anyway if you went to CMS.

You don't need any permission. There's the bonus of not being married and he can't stop you.

Just for when you're ready

Problem is even if we sell for a good price, the area I live in is very hard to buy in - I have friends who have spent over a year looking for somewhere suitable so I dread to think what would happen to us. We'd be forced to move area and I really don't want to. It's not even that I'm particularly attached to the actual house - but it is in a great location and I'd be very sad to leave it. Hard to imagine where we will end up as the kind of house I could afford would be very poky indeed, if I'm lucky to find anything.

Sadly I think the harsh reality is that you may need to sell up and move.

Anyway see what you SHL says but please do not take on the mortgage on your own in order to stay so that his investment in the property grows at your expense!

I would seriously consider directly approaching via a leaflet any potentially suitable properties and see if they'd part exchange with yours - so families looking to upsize and you could downsize into theirs IYSWIM? They wouldn't move areas so aren't actively selling but would if it meant staying in the area - just a thought!

Glad you're having a good half term, and realising that you are a perfectly capable and competent woman who can manage very well indeed on her own thank you very much

Happy holidays, and long may it continue!

I'm not at all surprised that the children are learning not to bother with stbxp. He's been teaching them quite assiduously, after all.

Mo. Have you actually seen the deeds to know if he really put your name on them? if so.
If you stay in your house, & he is pursuaded to pay the mortgage, I believe, when the youngest is 18 (in an ideal scenario) you will have to sell & he will get half.& you will then have to move. unless by then you can buy him out?

If you stay in your house & continue to pay the mortgage yourself, he will own half. that you will have paid for.

Will you be able to afford the house ? He is NOT going to want to facilitate.
The chances are you are going to have to move.envisage moving.

So glad you weren't even thinking about him

Mo, could you rent a house for a while to stay in the area? You don't have to buy just yet, in fact it could be a good option for a year or two until you are ready to go back to work. You could maybe stick your share of equity in an ISA and other accounts to ring fence it until a suitable house comes on the market.
The Poky house that worries you - could be a cosy, happy family home.
At the moment you are in a gilded cage by the sound of it.
Anyway, glad you are having a pleasant half term. Take care.

Isn't it supposed to be very difficult to rent as a single parent on benefits? Can't see landlords queuing up to take us on...

You would have the money to pay a year upfront once the house is sold?

A Mesher Order is the obvious way to go under the circumstances - if you wanted to stay in the house.

From the little I know Kitty they can cause a lot of difficulty (Mesher orders) still, could be worth talking over with a solicitor.

Honestly Mo - we have gone from a 4 bed large house, both children had their own living rooms etc, to a flat the size of my old bedroom. The children are sharing.

From one side of the world to the other and somewhere i have no friends or family.

But you won't care - you might think you can't do it but you can.