Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Yes money for something for the DC. Cold, hard, heartless wording, definitely no joking about there. He wanted full details before agreeing. Obviously I said the bare minimum as I might as well be like that if that's his game. He's telling me off because if I'd bought it earlier I could have had a discount.

Well he didn't think about it earlier either and seeing as I'm incapable of running my own household and he has to oversee everything, he should have thought of that too. Don't worry, I'm not biting, I won't say it. I'm keeping schtum. Patronising arse.

I can tell the arse went online to check as I told him a total cost rather than the breakdown, and he replied with all of that instead. So he's checking up on me to make sure I'm not lying and also reminding me I can't try to fool him, he's on top of everything and I'd better not forget it.
Yet why does he assume I'm going to lie? Because I don't have enough cash in the first place as he damn well has made sure of! And maybe he's scared in case I am trying to syphon off spare bits of cash for heavens what, an actual escape fund?

Remember the intention is to make being financially dependent so uncomfortable you are forced back into work - his attitude towards benefits is not dissimilar to the government's! So micro-managing your spending, even (or especially) the spending on the children, is intended to make you say 'fine, I'll get my own job and use all my own money to pay for the children to avoid being questioned'. You end up unable to save any money ever, as you will never be able to out-earn your expenditure and he gets to maximise his savings, and therefore his power in the relationship.

The early full-on intensity is also a warning sign, by the way. Rushing things along and flattering you into not asking too many questions.

They think YOU lie because the THEY lie.

They think YOU stash away money because THEY stash away money.

The judge everyone else by their own standards.

They twist everything you think you are going mad. But honestly it is them.

More notice?? Honestly rolls eyes , does he have to get someone to climb a bean stalk And collect a few gold coins and melt them down?

Given you can take 2m to log onto online banking and transfer money hardly a chore he probable does in sleep he checks so much

You would think he give you £100 in account as float so you can buy what you need then get "permission" after but then it takes out quite as much grovelling !

He's really scared you may be trying to get the odd fiver cash by bumping up the price. you deserve giant chocolate bar

Actual you deserve so much more but Mumsnet didn't have bags of cash icon!

Aw thanks Akire, you always make me feel better
The effer says he needed more notice yet transferred it within minutes (post consideration), so what utter balls is that?
Trying not to get all stirred up again...

Keep your nerve Mo, as I was recently advised on MN.
My lovely STBX just offered me 10k.
Am overwhelmed with his generosity. These entitled arrogant men do not deserve to have DCs..... should all be neutered.

'I'll try and make sure I give you more notice next time there's an emergency' (you humongous prick).

Why don't you send him a breakdown of what you will need for the DC next academic year?

List the school uniform, shoes. trainers, school trips, Christmas fayres, charity donation days so on and so on. Birthday party invites that will need gifts, the activities they want to take up.

In fact to it send him a list and ask him to consider them now and decide what he is going to fund...

Oh and rather than just add me to the account that has the free breakdown cover included and get a new card sent to me, he has actually purchased a year's worth of cover instead. On the one had he's quibbling over not getting discounts of a few pounds, but then on the other he's wasting money like that. No sense whatsoever.

And he's also going on fb commenting on some of my close friends' ('friends' with him through me I mean) posts saying nice things while at the same time sending emails with vitriol and hostility to me. My friends who know tell me it sickens them when he does it. How arrogant is he that he thinks I haven't told my closest friends what a tosser he is being.

He's very arrogant. And yet quite stupid.

that is another trait of narcissists - a strong desire to portray themselves well on social media.

My stbxh does exactly the same.

When is he due back Mo? You must feel like you're in limbo.

Wow mo he really dosnt want you linked at all to any account or information. You got to wonder if he isn't secretly married to someone else though no one else would have him hence the other wife can't accidental ring them
Up and find out his main home is else well.

Love idea of doing the year list of upcoming events lol

Yes, if his breakdown cover was associated with a bank account there was no way in hell he was going to add you to it - free money for you, are you mad?

He doesn't have room for anyone else, his ego and bank account take up too much space Akire! If there were someone else, it might actually be easier. It's just me against him, and weirdly I have thought, albeit fleetingly in the past, if anything like this happened to us I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of him. I can't believe I thought that so casually. I've been a real blinkered brainwashed fool haven't I. Trying not to blame myself but there were warnings upon warnings!

Know what you mean secretly he's supporting family of 12 on the quiet. Naw he's just Scrooge! Can you imagine being retired he's got all money and buys what likes and you have to ask before can put heating on or go mad on special offer baked beans.

The best thing you can do is once you are free to be Happy because that's something he never truly be. He die with bank account and little else.

I am sitting here sobbing my eyes out not because of him, but because I am watching that real life A&E docu series and it's hitting all those nerves: a dad sobbing over a sick baby daughter, a husband desperately worried about his wife, young nurses devoted to their patients. I have even joked with P that he could never work in a caring profession. Some fucking joke! It's on me now.

Akire that is exactly what my retirement with him would be like. Thank you for painting that picture that I can now rip to shreds!

Hope you managed to get to bed. Ripping mind pictures to threads is great therapy!

I know Mo, some emotive moments will set you off because you can now see what is missing, & you naturally regret.
But on the up side. It means you are nearer really seeing P for what he is, & knowing without any doubt that he is not going to ruin your life much longer.

(((((((Hug)))))))

So sorry Mo. Hugs from me too..

Tears and sudden emotion are sometimes your real feelings coming back, after years of suppressing them (or reasoning yourself out of them.)

take care

Stay strong, you will get through this!