Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

By the way Tartan, you wonderful lady, I found jigsaws are bloody marvellous distraction. Nothing less than 1000 pieces, excellent for doing what my counsellor calls staying in the present. Love xxx

Wow! I've just had a look at when I last posted and it was three months ago. I knew it was quite a while, but thought it was only a few weeks. How time flies when you're having fun ... ha! Anyway, just thought I'd give a bit of an update, but not quite sure where to start.

Have had two mediation sessions and I don't think it's going to be settled smoothly. I have a good solicitor and she helped me put forward various proposals after STBXH had outlined his proposals. Needless to say, STBXH didn't seem to be keen to go along with the suggestions and didn't give way on any of them. The mediator has advised him to seek advice (don't think he'd seen a solicitor yet) and there won't be any more mediation sessions now; she feels agreement won't be reached in this way. I won't go into details on a public forum, but it seems that what my solicitor has advised is going to interfere with what he has planned with regard to buying himself a house and will have a serious impact on what he described as him "being able to move on". So, I guess there will be a bit of a lull now whilst he takes advice and then it will start again.

One of the "problems" revolves round when the DCs finish full-time education. They started A-Levels last year and would have been due to finish next May/June. However, DS had a meltdown around Easter time caused by him trying and not quite managing to deal with what has happened to us all. He started missing lessons, then got behind with his work, then became scared and eventually stopped attending. I had no idea about any of this until he came into my room one night at 2.00am, sobbing and saying he couldn't go on and wanted to leave college. I contacted his tutor the next day to find out they had been trying to contact me about DS. College was brilliant - they got him to go back in, he's been seeing a student counsellor, his tutor keeps in touch regularly and emails me. DS sat his AS exams even though he had missed a lot of the work. Unfortunately, he got a D and 2 Us. He has arranged to re-take the 2 failed subjects starting again, which will mean a third year at college. This will mean he finishes in 2018 and I think STBXH had been banking on house sale and settlement being reached by 2017. I really feel for DS; before this all happened he had 100% attendance and was getting As in one of the subjects he failed in and doing really well in the other one. I'm sure STBXH would deny there was any link between what he has done and the impact on DS - but then he would, wouldn't he.

I've been very much up and down over the last three months. Some positives were that the ADs kicked in and helped me achieve some balance; I had a visit from my brother and his wife and two little DCs which was lovely; friends and colleagues have been wonderfully kind and supportive; I managed a little trip away to visit some friends from college days; weight loss has meant that I have got into a pair of size 12 jeans and I haven't managed that since before DC! OK, the jeans are stretch, they are from Sainsbury's, I wear huge suck-the-fat-in pants underneath and walk around with a face like a gargoyle. BUT, the label on those jeans says 12 and they're on my bum.

On the downside I've had some very low times and done a lot of crying. I still can't really believe that it has all happened and that he has actually gone. I've had some quite upsetting dreams, usually about him dumping OW and coming back. I feel quite happy when I wake up and then reality jolts back in. When I've had dreams like that I find it really gets me down for the rest of the day. It's seven months on and I'm still struggling with fear, grief, betrayal and the whole range of negative emotions.

I had a really bad meltdown when I found out that STBXH had been taking DD2 back to his flat when he picks her up. She hadn't told me because she was afraid I'd be upset. And I was. I was even more upset as I realised that I was putting her in the position of having to hide things from me for fear of upsetting me. I still feel guilty about that It turns out that DD2 only agreed to go back to the flat on the condition that OW is not there at the time and she has told STBXH that she does not want to meet her at all. However, I am awaiting the day that I find out that she has met OW - I guess it's inevitable at some stage, but the thought of it just wrings my heart out. DD1 and DS still won't have any contact with him - that's their choice.

I have been NC with him since the day he left - my decision - and I've agreed with DD2 that I'd rather not hear any news about him and his new life because I find it too upsetting at this stage. At mediation yesterday, it came out that OW is still living with STBXH in the rented flat and that confirmation was so difficult to deal with - even though I suspected it was still the case. It's beginning to look as if they're in it for the long-haul, doesn't it? I know I shouldn't fixate on it, but I just can't help it at the moment. I bet they'll go on to buy a property together and get married. I just don't think I can bear it.

I'm posting this misery novel with a very bad hangover, so I guess that's why there's a lack of joie de vivre. My friend accompanied me to the mediation session and I was in such a state during and after, that I went straight back to her house and downed nearly two bottles of wine on an entirely empty stomach. I was a weeping, gibbering wreck and had to be brought home in a taxi and helped up the stairs by friend and DD2. Fell asleep on top of my bed with the piles of laundry and still wearing full make-up, nice new Phase 8 top, big wedge sandals and jeans. But they were the size 12s

I so want to get past this. I'm terrified about the future and what will happen to me. I seem to be getting worse instead of better. It can't be right that their actions have caused so much pain and distress. I wonder if they know and if they even care. God, I'm cheerful.

Dear tartan, I still think your STBXH is one of the biggest fools crawling on this planet to leave such a lovely woman. I really mean that. They don't know when they've got it made. Xxx

tartanbuggy,

Bless you. You've been through the wringer. You brought a smile to my face with your suck- the-fat-in-pants & face like a gargoyle. Conjures up all sorts of visions .

I just wanted to send you a big unmumsnetty hug (((((()))))). Hopefully you'll look back on this one day, & it won't be so raw.

Hey Pisco and what a lovely thing to say. Thank you. I really really hate what STBXH has done and I really don't like him either. The worst thing is that because of his nasty actions I have really struggled with my own image of myself and am still trying to get past the belief that I must have been particularly horrible to cause somebody to act in this way. So many people have tried to talk sense to me and I can see the wisdom of their words, but there's a little part of me deep down that can't quite believe it. He has really changed my relationship with myself and that's proving very difficult to deal with.

How are things with you these days? Hope you and your DCs are doing OK? Have there been any changes or is it just a case of buggering along?

Thank you for the hug Yoksha - much appreciated at this stage and I need a lot of them. I seem to have reverted back to childhood and just want a grown-up to come along and sort everything out for me. I guess it is one step forwards, two back; maybe I just need to buy bigger boots.

Just a quick update on my update. STBXH sent a message via DD2 a few minutes ago to say that he wanted to sort things out via mediation, agreeing to the proposals put forward by my solicitor, and asking for a little bit extra on one of the items. From being adamantly against the proposals yesterday to being completely conciliatory today. I can't help but be suspicious about such a change of mind. It is all just such a mess

Tartan size 12 that's fabulous lovely lady , you will be a catch for a nice loyal loving and kind man that you deserve , as you know I dream same as you. Every day I want you to look in the mirror and say I am beautiful ( if I was size 12 I would walk in streets naked lol ) I want you to reassure yourself you are beautiful inside and out , a fab mum, a great friend and a kind caring lady . Your time will come and you will find your man , don't beat yourself up over the wine we are allowed to get drunk and forget everything for a night ❤️❤️

Thank you Kirk123! Just one thing - I'm a size 12 with suck-the-fat-in pants; Jabba the Hut without. The pants suck all the blubber upwards and outwards and I look like the prow of a ship. Not even a stately majestic ocean-going liner, more of a knackered old tugboat. Especially after all that wine last night.

hi Tartan

I wasn't around on the board when your thread started, but sadly can appreciate your situation and feelings now (separating after 28 years)

Sounds to me like you are really doing well on the horrible rollercoaster of emotions and are a great Mum. When I find myself getting anxious over the future and not feeling that I can possibly face it or ruminating on the past, I make a conscious effort to focus on the here and now - saying to myself 'all that exists is this moment right now'. It doesn't always work, but I'm finding it is becoming more effective.

Hey tartan, how's your noggin? So much fuckwittery here, but yes, I'm still buggering on! X

Yes and be sure to have a clean break.
My solicitor insisted on it. He didn't have much of a pension so I kept the house.there was no mortgage on it.

I came out of it very well and had no dependent children and so can you too.

Good afternoon Tartan.
I would like to endorse what Pisco,Kirk, Yoksha and faffalotty have said.
You have to remember that this is not your fault your STBXH is just selfish along with the OW. They are just putting their own needs first and we (and our children) are just collateral damage. I would say it is an age thing but my husband has been doing this for years on and off. I am not sure whether that makes it better or worse. All I know is this time feels so much worse because of what she is and because this time it feels so final.
I seem to have gone backwards again over the last week or so.
I have my counsellor on Monday which usually helps.

I am so glad that you have a good solicitor. Let's hope that your STBXH is genuine about sorting things out via mediation and accepting your solicitors proposals. Good luck with it all.

These men doing what they have done really affects your confidence. Friends and family keep trying to reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me at all but clearing off with someone younger is bound to make us feel insecure and in my case inadequate too.

Let's just hope that when this is all settled we will be happy again.

I hope that your DS is able to get back on track again with his A levels. Just another problem caused by a selfish man.

I have to close as I am looking after a friends daughter for a couple of hours this afternoon.

Try to keep your chin up. We are all here for you. Onwards and Uowards!

Take care xx

Hi, I haven't seen this thread before, but wanted to echo what others have said, you sound a very nice, strong person , and lime you're doing g such a brilliant job of being mum to your DCs despite being put through the wringer.

I haven't read all of the thread, so I'm sorry if this has already been discussed, but it sounds like u maybe miss the straight forward life u had before he left, rather than actually wanting him back? Part of u hopes he splits with this woman, and that could happen when the novelty wears off, but do think through what that would actually mean...it wouldn't wind time back so that all this didn't happen. If he wanted to come back (which ur subconscious seem to reckon would be great), you would have to consider all the worry, stress and pain u have dealt with due to his actions, and I suspect it would be very hard to ever trust him again. It might be worth thinking about how, even if he left her, nothing would be as it was before? I'm no expert, but have been in a similar situation where I half wanted someone back who had hurt me very much, and found it helped to think what the real situation was NOW, not how it used to be. If you can afford counselling, or have a gp who will set it up on the, I'd really recommend it, to have someone u can tell everything to help you make sense of this, without worrying if ur going on, or about getting too upset. You are coping brilliantly, but this could make things easier for you, and get you to a point where u have moved on and are looking forward to ur new life

Hi Tartan you sound so lovely. You have been through hell haven't you?!! You will be alright. Sending support and admiration x

Haven't seen this before but have just rtft and snorted with laughter at your suck-the-fat-in pants...

KOKO - you will get there; you sound like a lovely, warm-hearted and funny person.

Hi tartan I've just read this thread and you sound amazing!
I think it might be wise to prepare for some news if he has done an about turn on your proposals.
Keep your head high and carry on

KOKO Tartan. You're doing great!

As someone who has put back all of the weight loss suffered from the divorce diet due to having a plethora of cake-eating friends, I am testament to the fact that life goes on after divorce!

Size 12 is merely an ambition these days...

I really struggled to cope at times. Most days were a cry day. And most days incorporated quite a bit of wall shouting. In fact, the first year was a write-off. The second year, I mostly wobbled along. People who haven't experienced anything like this will give well meaning advice about all sorts, and they'd be right for the most part.

I now know something that I didn't know when I first got thrown onto the marriage scrapheap: It takes around four years to recover from an acrimonious divorce/sudden collapse of a long (ish) marriage. "The magic four years" is the tipping point where actually most people accept what's happened and truly move on. So, if you come in under that time - so much the better, but knowing that took away my inner belief that "I should be over this by now".

It permits me those 'off moments' and 'woe is me' times because it's perfectly bloody normal to have them! Once I learnt that little yardstick, I stopped giving myself a hard time for having a bit of a sobfest, or a melodramatic strop!

Yes, the self-esteem takes a battering so it's worth doing whatever it takes to get that looked after. But it will return in time too. Usually around the time you consign all your skinny clothes to the charity shop!

For me, it is now two years and four glorious months later. I've just moved house (again) and my career is recovering. It is all smooth-sailing? No. Is life infinitely better than a year ago. Mucho!

Never thought I'd be saying that! So just KOKO for now.

Oh, and something else someone taught me: They loathe you and you'll never fathom why. But the reason why is: You loathe them for being alying, cheating, bastarding, shitbag coward who failed you, let you down, treated you like shit and hurt you. You have a reason to be bloody angry with them. They loathe you for being angry and disappointed with them. Thus, they 'get the retaliation in first' so to speak.

They are still lying, cheating, bastarding, shitbag cowards though. I'm standing by that.

KOKO.

Well love your post , I keep thinking why does he loathe me why doesn't he care ? Now I know you are so right x

Absolutely heartbreaking reading your posts Tartan, as I've also been there, and totally get where you are coming from when you say you don't want to hear from your Dd details of what is happening in your STBExH's life. I used to be plodding along okay, but a small comment from my DC after their visits with him, about what dad had been upto and where he had been, would feel like a punch in the stomach. It really does help to completely cut off from what they are doing; what you don't hear about wont hurt you and makes it so much easier to move on. It's just taking the bad days with the good days. Sometimes you will wake up in a morning and not even want to get out of bed because you feel so traumatised by it all, but then the next day you might feel a huge wave of positivity about the future and jump out of bed with enthusiasm for the day ahead. But the good days will start to overtake the bad days eventually and you then start to feel excited about what your new future and life will bring. You sound like you are doing everything you should be, and I sense a lot of strength in you. You'll be fine! X

Hello everybody and thank you for all the wonderful messages. My hangover and I had to have a few little naps yesterday afternoon and I haven't yet caught up with everything I meant to do. So, I'll put it off even longer by coming on here.

Sorry to hear you're going through similar to me Faffalotty. Your comment about concentrating on the here and now really makes sense because I keep either projecting forward to the future and trying to deal with what might happen or I go back to the past and try to fix what has already happened. It's just tying me in knots and I like the idea of reminding myself to keep on track with dealing with the present.

Hi Dowser, yes, I think we will be looking at a clean break situation. It seems to be the best option and has been recommended by my solicitor. Just sounds so horribly final though, doesn't it? Like amputating a diseased and rotting limb or something.

The noggin is just about back to normal Pisco. Whatever normal is. I nearly managed to deflect the hangover on to Kirk, but she side-stepped it very neatly . Next time, I'll go for vodka. I've posted about this on your thread Hush - that's where the confusion started I think. It was funny.

Hi Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming - love the name - and I think you are absolutely spot on with what you say. It's the old life and stability I'm yearning for rather than him as he is now. I know that even if he did want to come back - and knowing him I'm sure he won't - I could never ever move on from what had happened; the betrayal and hurt is too huge and what I would get back would not be what I wanted. I do hope that he and OW don't last and that it ends messily for them and I think that's the bitter hope that they get to experience some of the hurt and fear that they have jointly put me and the DCs through. I know it's bitter and won't help me in the long run, but I'm stuck in mode just now. I have been having counselling and I think this is something I will need to bring to a future session to address.

Quick wave to Shayelle, Naicehamshop and sleepyMe12. It's nice to "meet" you and I really appreciate your warm and supportive comments. The kindness of strangers on the internet compared to the cruelty of somebody who I thought would always have my back, is absolutely staggering. It's interesting what you said about his about turn, sleepyMe12, I'm finding it very hard to figure out. I might canvass views on that one ...

Great as always to hear from you WWK and such helpful comments. That's really interesting about the four year period and the feeling you can sometimes get from other people that you should be moving on or getting over things. I know it's always said out of a genuine desire to help, but if you're not ready then it just makes you feel that you have to hide things and pretend. I was speaking to a friend last night who had gone through the same situation a number of years ago. She said that in the early days she had what was almost a spreadsheet of friends she had gone and sobbed on because she felt the need to ration it out and ensure that nobody got "dumped" on more than anybody else. I really understand what she means; I'm terrified of leaning too much on people and feel that I have to hold back sometimes for fear of scaring them off.

I have c&pd the paragraph about loathing and will print it out. It is absolutely brilliant and a great insight into something that seems totally inexplicable. It was something that really messed me in the first few months: I couldn't understand why he seemed to loathe me so much and the only conclusion I could come to was that I must have been particularly horrible and nasty to have provoked him to doing what he did. I guess it's a bit of a knee jerk reaction - somebody is very angry with me ergo I must have done something to warrant that anger.

Will do another post in a minute. This one is bigger than I thought.

Hello Livelovebehappy and I know that punch in the stomach feeling well. I'm lucky that I don't have to listen to comments about STBXH's life because DD2 and I have agreed not to talk about it because I find it difficult. But I still find there are ways that it gets to me - I've overheard her talking to friends on Skype or whatever it is and making references to "my dad ...". Completely normal under any other circumstances, but so completely skewed now. I know it would absolutely kill me if the DCs were younger and I had to listen to chatter about dad and his friend, all the while trying to remain kind and smiling mum.

I know you are right about the bad days and the good days. I've had both, but it's strange how the bad days seem to have a greater effect on me than the good days. Or maybe that's just my charming, optimistic outlook

On a general note, I'm still trying to get my head round why STBXH went from outright rejection of the proposals I had been advised to put forward, to complete acceptance a few hours later. There wouldn't have been time for him to take legal advice and I am now in a state of great anxiety wondering what has prompted it and what I should prepare for next. It was in mediation, so I have no way of knowing how he presented and the mediator would obviously not say. I got the feeling that he was probably quite emphatic and the mediator did say she had advised him to take legal advice - he hadn't taken any that I know of and the proposals that he had initially put forward were his own - and that she didn't feel agreement would be reached in mediation.

The anxiety I felt even though I didn't see him, was huge. I felt scared, undeserving, petty, ungrateful and blameworthy. I don't know why; that was just how I felt. I couldn't take in what the mediator was saying and just sobbed saying "I don't want to do this. I never wanted this". Luckily my friend was able to take it all in and talk to me about it afterwards. Then I proceeded to have my drunken meltdown .....

Then his text saying that he wanted mediation to succeed and that he would agree to the proposals has now increased the anxiety. I don't know why he has done it. I feel that he probably went home and discussed it all with OW and that the pair of them have been sitting there working out and deciding how my future, financial and emotional, will work out. I do not believe for one minute that he has not discussed matters with her at length. Upshot is that I now feel more jittery and scared than I have done for a long time and am not sure if I can face another mediation session. It has taken on a nightmare quality and I don't know if I can face it again. Or put my poor friend - and her wine rack - through it again. I guess I don't have to attend a further mediation session if I don't want to? Maybe he could just send his proposals to my solicitor? No idea what to do.

I know that nobody else will know what's going on in his head or why he has acted like this, but any little insights or thoughts would be welcome.

If you're ok with the proposals as accepted, email back that you confirm his acceptance and that your solicitor will be in touch. No more mediation needed.

Does he have any friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, etc who are divorce lawyers or have recently divorced? He may have touched base with someone like that and been told your proposal was fair and he was unlikely to get more. Could be that simple.

Best guess - he's won the lottery or he's just come into an inheritance. But he could just want it to be over as well - it's stressful for both sides.

How you feeling today Tartan? x

Maybe someone told him how much it was likely to cost in legal fees if it went to court, even if he got his way in the end? Its also possible the new woman said she was fed up with him fighting with you, and would rather he just settled it. Whatever the reason, you have the outcome you wanted financially, so dare to be happy ;-)

I would strongly suggest you don't accept anything without a) thinking it through carefully for a couple of days - there may be implications that may not be immediately apparent; and b) taking advice from your solicitor.