Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Aha, that clears that up! You're still brilliant anyway. Feel free to over empathise with me any time you like; it's done me a power of good. to you.

I am glad I have cleared something up for you tartan.
Not sure how brilliant I am!
Glad I have done you the power of good!
I will pop over for a chat again soon😃☀️💐
Onwards and upwards!
Look after yourself xx

Ooops, cross-posted with FantasticButtocks and Hushabye.

Nice to hear from you Hushabye and I hope today goes better for you too. Like you, I have no intention of speaking to my DH about any of the finance/separation procedures; he just makes me feel awful and can out-argue me easily. I have self-referred to mediation and they will contact him. When it comes to the negotiating, I have requested shuttle mediation where we sit in separate rooms and the mediator goes between us. I will probably take a friend with me as well. Any other business can be done via the solicitor.

I spoke to DS not long after DH had moved out and he told me he had overheard the argument that DH and I had had early in the morning - I think I wrote about it in one of my early posts. I said I was sorry that he had had to overhear it and that I probably sounded very unpleasant. DS said "Well, you were both having a pop at each other but a lot of the things you said sounded OK, then he was just twisting what you said and throwing it back at you." Another time, DS referred back to the same incident and said "At one point I almost came out of my room to say something because he was just getting angry and twisting things that you said and all I could hear was you going Sorry Sorry. I wanted to shout What the f* are you apologising for? He's the one who is doing all this!" I guess that sums up how DH and I interacted a lot of the time. He got angry and threw it back at me. I gibbered and apologised. Very interesting to hear what the argument sounded like; I have trouble remembering what was said now. Anyway, for that reason, I have decided to go no contact with DH. There will never be a calm, reasoned, understanding conversation; it would just be all blame statements, displaced anger and sobbing.

I know what you mean about that feeling that they just couldn't care less. It is awful. One minute you think that at the very least they would have your back, the next they would stand and watch you go under without a second thought. I am well aware that DH paying the bills and mortgage at the moment is purely because the kids live here. It makes my blood run cold to think how quickly and brutally he would withdraw every single penny if it was just me.

Don't worry Hushabye. Your boys will be there for you and they will stick by you. Their disgust at their father will intensify as they get older and although they may see him from time to time, their respect, love and loyalty will remain with you. One day you may become a grandmother - and what an absolutely FABULOUS one you will be - and I think that's when these runaway DHs will miss out. You will maintain that relationship with your boys and I really believe that will intensify when they start having families of their own. I mean, who wants a old has-been Lothario granddad dropping in now and again between OWs to coo over babies. Yeuch!!

Look after yourself!

Crossposts hush and misunderstanding.... Think that comment (clearing up that I am not a counsellor etc) was to me actually but I'm sure you are brilliant too! Was taught (a long time ago) by therapist to be able to accept a compliment when it's given, and actually take it in. So thanks OP, nice of you to say so... to you OP and for hush too.

Your DS sounds absolutely lovely

You're doing so well, my mum lost about 5 stone in weight and for the first time I. Her life she's a size 8/10. She swings from being excited to petrified. It's a scary time everything you relied in has gone up in smoke.

Thank you tartan and FantasticB. Sorry I got it wrong. I felt needed for a while!
My solicitor mentioned shuttle mediation originally. Not sure what is happening about any of that at the moment. I will leave that to her.
I think it is a good idea to take a friend with you for support.
I seem to be playing a waiting game at the moment.

It sounds as though your son knows what your DH is like. You are right contact with them is not good. I remained very calm the last time he came here to collect some stuff. Unfortunately he returned the next day and I was reduced to a soggy mess! He just walked away and left me like it! How can all this pain and distress be right?

I know that my sons will stick by me. I have always tried to do everything I could for them and they know that and I will continue to do so. I felt so down yesterday and thought I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. But my sons would be devastated so that cannot happen. I cannot let this morally bankrupt pair make me feel like this.

I look forward to becoming a grandmother at some point thank you for saying I will make a good one. I cannot see my DH being that interested any way.
Well I better close as I am going to my neighbours little girls dance show.

Take care xx💐😀

Just read the entire thread and you've come a long way in a short space of time. You should be proud of yourself given the shit storm you've dealt with, plus being a super awesome mum to your kids especially DD1.

I agree with buttocks (great name), your ex's belittling of the kids feelings in all this will be his undoing. He doesn't seem to see them as independent human beings with thoughts and feelings of their own, just little bots who should get over it. Your youngest daughter will also start to get tired of his whining eventually. Just give it time.

My prediction for your Ex and the OW FWIW is this:

Personalities involved:

He is emotionally shut off, lacks empathy and is impatient regarding the feelings of others.

She sounds emotionally damaged and needy from her own family issues.

Factors to consider:

Huge age gap
Different life goals (you've already mentioned baby issue)
Still have employer/employee relationship at work - could be very tricky if things go south for them!
Reduced financial freedom due to ongoing divorce
Two children refusing to see him. One refusing to meet her

Result

Increased tension and strain on already fragile relationship. This will heighten the impact of those factors listed above. Plus when you really get into the divorce phase he will be a right little stress bunny due to lack of control and probably not very nice to live with. The honeymoon phase will be over. Resentment from her I suspect will start to build first. Why is it taking so long to sort out finances, why are you spending time with your daughter when you should be with me and so on.

I give it a year maximum.

Oh and one more thing. Stop calling him DH!!! He no longer has the honour of that title. Small thing but big in terms of moving forward.

goes back to sidelines to wave pom poms

I think so many of these pathetic 'men' who leave for OW are like three year olds tantrumming for a cookie just before dinner. They'll have a nice big dinner (current homelife and family) in a few minutes (the ups/downs of everyday life) but instead they're screaming (blaming wife for everything) for one single cookie (OW). They'd rather forego their nice dinner for one single cookie. Not a choice a mature adult would ever make. And even though they'll never admit it, once they get that cookie (they leave for OW) they realize that they gave up a nice filling dinner (the respect of their children and loss of homelife) for one single lousy cookie.

So tell them to take their 'cookies' and shove them up their arses. You're going to sit down and eat your nice dinner!!!

Just a quick post to say thank you to the lovely AcrossthePond, Snoringlittlemonkey, Hushabye, notapizzaeater and FantasticButtocks for your wonderful and most welcome posts. I like your prognosis, Snoringlittlemonkey for the future of STBXH and OW. Please, please, please let it come true. Please, please, please tell me more!!

I'm sorry this is just a brief post but I have hit an extremely low point over the last few days and am finding it very hard to do anything. I think it's all beginning to hit home and I am just crying constantly and am starting to walk hunched over a bit. I hope this is just a temporary thing because it is so feckin' painful I can't believe it. I came across a photo a few days ago of my mum and dad in the living room of their house and I howled for hours. They are dead, the house has been sold, all the furniture from my childhood has gone. I have never felt so alone and desolate in all my life. And they knew him and were nice to him.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate bastarding STBXH and bastarding OW. I want the most awful, evil things to befall them and if I could have a hand in it so much the better. They both work in a very large complex and there is a roundabout just before the entrance. I fantasise about getting some sort of circular billboard installed on the roundabout reading "STBXH (full name) is shagging OW (full name)"

Sorry folks. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible or even sooner if something evil befalls STBXH and OW. I just wanted to acknowledge the posts and messages from all you wonderful people. Keep them coming - it is such a help and support to read things even if I'm not up to replying quickly.

Hello Tartan. I am so sorry that you are really going through it at the moment. I know how you feel. I have been crying a lot again. My heart has been doing strange things too not my normal problem.
I am a believer in Karma and what goes around comes around!
I am really tired so this is only a short message but I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you.

Take care and as all our MN friends say we will get through this! xxx❤️💐

Hello tartan I was just about to say the same thing as Hush, we all seem to be struggling at the moment. I was ok up until this evening and something has set me off again. But it's ok, these episodes seem to be getting shorter for me. So I have hope for all of us! Yes, I know that urge only too well for doing something spectacular to get revenge, but resist! My thoughts normally include baseball bats. Just keep buggering on, we're getting very good at that!
Good night xxx

Has someone posted that the OW will probably want a family if she is only 28.

Once family no2 is on the go any promises regarding money from him or his newDW will probably go out the window. Especially once your DCs leave home, which isn't far away.

Please make sure you are looked after financially with legally binding arrangements.

You do know that you can order voodoo dolls online, don't you? Not real 'cursed' ones, just stick-a-pin-in-'em ones. If you're at all 'craftsy' you can even make them pretty easily and use the correctly coloured yarn for hair and 'dress' them like stbx and ow. They're great therapy. BFF made one of her ex when they were divorcing and we had tonnes of fun one night. Cracked a nice bottle of red and spent the evening sticking pins in him and thinking up all sorts of bizarre 'curses'. Especially with regards to his (ahem) 'nether regions'. She actually burnt it later on in a celebration of the divorce being finalized.

Channel the energy you're expending on them. I know you hate them but realize that your hate isn't hurting either one of them one bit. Better to try and channel that energy into something constructive for yourself. Study the law, delve into finances, plan your strategy, think of what you want and how to get it. Be devious (but legal).

I feel your pain about feeling that one's childhood is 'gone'. But it never really is, is it? The love and life you had with your parents is still part of you. And part of your children, too. Long after you and I are dust, that legacy of love given to us by our parents will live on in our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, 'to infinity and beyond'.

Oh wow! Just logged on quickly before getting ready for work and I see that lovely people were posting messages to me late at night. Lovely to wake up to see it.

I will reply fully later once I get back from work, taking DD to orthodontist and sorting out washing etc.

Thank you all

I've just found this thread. My only advice is to try and reach a financial agreement asap then get a lawyer to sign it off. Getting lawyers involved at the outset can escalate any bad feeling and can be so expensive.
You are entitled to half maybe more of the house. Try and negotiate that you get all the house. He might agree to this but he doesn't have to.
Half his pension - you will definitely get this.
Spousal maintenance as you were the primary carer of the children - he is legally bound to support his children but if he doesn't want to you will have to take him to court or the CSA which costs. Do you have any money of your own?
The simplest divorce can cost 5k, if there are lots of issues then the sky's the limit.
Child maintenance until they are 19.
You can apply for working tax credits, council tax rebate, if he has left the house.
He might be being reasonable now but you should talk to him and try and sort out finances asap. I can't stress this enough. Use a mediator if you find him too controlling. Of course this is only possible if he is a reasonable man and wants the best for you and the children. He can cut finance for you whenever he wants as he is the one earning. I've been through all this with my sister and it was hell. That's why I'm saying talk to him if he's reasonable, be calm, set out exactly what you want and are entitled to and only get lawyers if he won't agree. my sister spent 7k (this was money she had saved for the children) and in the end negotiated with her ex herself in order to end it. She got all the house and child maintence but no spousal and no pension so it's a clean break. It's up to you what you want to ask for. This was put into a court order. However, if he breaks it by not paying maintenance she would have to take him to court which costs. The law is only really any good if you've got pots and pots of money to go to court to resolve issues.
Lawyers don't usually take the money from your settlement, you have to pay as you go as it can take months and months to sort out, often up to 2 years so the lawyer needs paying.
Sounds like you were bullied in the marriage. You are better off doing your own thing. He's with a 28 yr old? Probably won't last.
Be calm, clear and concise with him about what you want. Don't get emotional and remember lawyers are a business. They charge for every second you talk to them, every e mail etc.
Don't be bullied.

How are you doing Tartan?
I hope you have had a decent weekend?
I have had mixed emotions this weekend. Not helped by spending too much time alone.
I have my Counsellor tomorrow. Hoping she will have some suggestions on how to cope with my feelings.
I do not really have any words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you.
Take care xx

Well, I think I know one reason why I've felt so down recently. A virus! It was one of those absolutely horrible d&v, stomach cramping ones picked up, no doubt, from one of the hundreds of 4-7 year olds I deal with daily There has been a lot of sickness in school and I guess it was my turn. Had a really bad, full on self-pitying day yesterday where I just lay in bed and cried and cried. Then slept. Then woke up and cried again. DD1 was brilliant and brought me up hot water bottles for the cramping and glasses of iced water with a straw.

Thank you for your posts Hushabye and Pisco and for checking in on me. It's so good to know that there are virtual guardian angels out there, waiting to swoop in and offer support and comfort at the tap of a keyboard. I guess you both know the ups and downs of things and the completely random nature of it all. Also the shock of it and how it keeps coming back to kick you up the bum when you least expect it. That coupled with grief, loss of self-esteem, desperately searching for answers and explanations that I guess will never be forthcoming and trying to make sense of it all, is just overwhelming at times. Hope you're both doing OK? Well, whatever OK is ....

Oh AcrossthePond I love the idea of a voodoo doll. Maybe I could order a batch of them. They wouldn't take long; they don't need hair. Thank you, as always, for your wonderfully kind and wise advice. You are right!

Hello StKildasNun. Yes, there has been some speculation about whether OW would want a child at some stage. It could be very interesting because although she might prefer to be footloose, fancy-free and all loved up at 28 she may well find that in a few years things change especially when all her friends start having babies. I was adamant, at 28, that I didn't want children. Then by 35 I had three of the blighters BEST thing I ever did. Things do change and so it might for her. Trouble is, if they leave it 4 or 5 years, then STBXH would be 59!!! I did ask STBXH what would happen if OW wanted children. He was quite adamant that he did not want any more children, that he had done all of that and that he had seen too many of his colleagues come to grief trying to support a second family whilst providing for the first. I said that OW might want a baby at some stage and he said that in that case he would end the relationship. He might find that it's not as easy as all that and that actually, he is dependent on her because, let's face it, he has nobody else.

Your last point links in well with the fantastic advice from Fluffpuff. Don't want to give too much away on a public forum, but I have instructed a solicitor, initiated mediation, reclaimed Child Benefit, upped my hours at work, and will be looking at the Tax Credit thing (although I'm a bit nervous of it). I will be petitioning for divorce alongside financial mediation (shuttle) and will be careful to keep the costs as low as possible. I am sure that STBXH wants to keep out of the courts as well and it will be a case of negotiating it out via the mediators. I am paying a monthly amount to the solicitor and I have a little bit of money that I can put towards it. A wonderful friend has also offered to lend me money for legal fees if the need arises.

So, it's just a case of taking it one step at a time and hoping and praying that I will one day emerge from this shitty, shitty mess and be happy. It's still so hard to believe that it's happening. It's not even been three months since he dropped his bombshell and now I'm filing for divorce. It just doesn't seem possible ...

Make sure you get a good fair settlement from his pension, get advice.

Hello Tartan,
I hope you have recovered from the virus you had. Sounded awful!
You are right I certainly know all about the ups and downs of things and the completely random nature. Just when you think you are on the up something or someone knocks you back again. It maybe in the supermarket or something on the tv. Or even a memory.
This whole situation is overwhelming at times. I have been told to just focus on one day at a time as any more than that is just too much to deal with!
I hope that you will get through this and come out the other side and have a happy life along with your DC's.
Take care xxx

Thanks StKildasNun - I will definitely look into pension advice. Is this something best done with an independent finance person do you think?

I am much better now Hushabye, thank you. It was a particularly nasty virus and it seems to have taken out (not literally!) loads of folk, so it's obviously doing the rounds. It really brought me down, physically and mentally and I'm having to claw my way back up again. I know what you mean about the randomness of things I wish there was a little "wipe" button in my brain where I could delete all things, little and big, that upset me. Trouble is, knowing me, I'd probably delete my entire brain and turn into a great fat cabbage instead. ... And some days that seems like quite a good idea.

I will update later. There have been a few incidents to deal with and DS is having a meltdown. At least I'm here and able to help him deal with things, but it shouldn't be happening in the first place.

Take care Hushabye. Hope you're doing OK and thanks for dropping in.

Just realised I've not posted for a few weeks. I've been having a very low time and not really done much at all. Also just want to say a big thanks to Pisco (you know who you are ) for all your wonderful support and cyber listening.

Things are just dragging on. We have a first shuttle mediation session near the end of the month and I am absolutely dreading it. I won't have to see him and I will be taking a friend for moral support, but I can hardly bear to think about it.

I have also been doing obsessive googling and I now believe that what he did was an Exit Affair. It fits in with a lot of things he said when he left and the way he had been feeling. I don't know if the realisation makes it better or worse. I just don't know what to think any more.

I guess it means he is gone for good because he wanted out of the marriage and this affair was the leverage by which he did so. He did say a few times that the OW was a catalyst, but he also said he loves her and wants a relationship with her. So, was she the means of getting out of the marriage or did he leave the marriage to be with her? Don't even know if that makes sense.

I am now feeling much worse than before. Very low and starting to wish he would come back and perhaps we could talk about things. But I know he won't and I also know that I wouldn't and couldn't have him back. So, why am I missing him so much now? Can anybody shed light on this for me. I'm pretty certain I don't love him, especially after what he has done, so why all this horrible sadness and yearning now? I am still NC at my request and will be sticking to that.

Also, for those of you who have already been through this, please reassure me again that things do get better and that I won't always feel like this. It's really really getting me down at the moment. I've been to see GP and have started some ADs because I am desperate to try anything. Also continuing counselling. Is there anything else I could try? Short of a shotgun. On him, not me!

Hi, I followed your post and am sorry to hear that you are feeling worse.

Whilst I have never been in a relationship for as long as you have, when my exh and I separated I felt dreadful. Even though I knew that it was the right thing to do (I left him) my feelings were all over the place and I too ended up on anti depressants.

I think you have to look on the ending of a relationship like a bereavement. You will go through the stages of grief, there will be bad moments and not so bad moments and at some point you will realise that you are feeling stronger. If your soon to be EH had died you would not expect to get over it so quickly. Twenty six years is a long time and you cannot expect to get over it straight away.

I went through a really bad time.....but eventually life got better.

Please stay strong and one day you will look back and realise that you survived.

Hi Tartan you're in the dreaded four - six months later stage, no? This stage is when everyone you know has sort of adjusted to the shock and sort of gets on with their lives, forgetting, of course, that you've no idea what your life is any more. You start to doom-monger, and stare at walls for hours, whilst having a panic attack every five minutes.

It's a dreadful, dreadful time when you hit the most agonising and awful shitty nasty piece of depression. As they say "this too shall pass".....

....and this is the bloody awful time when friends, family and acquaintances will give you well-meaning no-shit-sherlock advice all of which starts with the words "At least" or "Just" or "Don't" or "Do".

e.g "At least you've got your health" or "Just get out of the house every day" or "Don't cry".

At least, it could be worse - just pull your socks up and get a grip! Said no one ever....so

Getting ADs - excellent.
Don't (see!) beat yourself up for not coping...because you're only just (ahem) heading into mediation so this is when you're forced to think about the future (which is going to be negatively compared to the future you thought you were going to get).

Remember there are no housework police.
Take it five minutes at a time.
Cry as much and as frequently as you need to.
Hang out with people who DO understand.

Don't hang out with people who don't understand.
Get out of the house little and often if you can. If you can't, stare at walls.
Have a few panic attacks. They won't kill you.

Yes this stage passes but it's a fucker to get through.