Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Oh god I am SO inadequate. I can't burp to order.......
Tartan, feel free to ignore this as some of it just repeats stuff I said up-thread, I think, but mine left after 32 years, I was 55. How he did what he did (it's work, we've grown apart, it's not you its me, there's no one else etc etc, oh actually there is and I'm leaving) I still find hard to process. I think it's normal to go over stuff and to doubt yourself, but really important to remember that, even if he did fall out of love with me and go, he had a choice about how to do that, and whatever else might be my fault, it was emphatically not my choice or my fault that he had an affair and left for another woman under a cloud of dishonesty. And that wasn't your fault or choice either.

I am 16 months down the line, with the benefit of a brilliant counsellor, great friends, and have found resilience I never knew I'd need. To keep buggaring on, with a good sense of humour and of the ridiculous, takes courage and strength. But those things, which you have in spades, will serve you well. I am happier than I was when married to my h, am good on my own, have a lovely new man, and my children understand that, whatever is on offer from the OW, I have been with them for the whole of their lives, done things no one else can do, and that can't ever be replaced. Chin up, lovely. It will be ok.

Hey Lovely Tartan, here's a challenge; my late uncle could belch the whole of Bohemian Rhapsody- something to entertain your mates and the lucky pub-goers?

KOKO. X

Hi tartan just read your whole thread made me feel better thanks hope you are ok Hun xxx

Just a quick post to say I'm still here and thank you for the brilliant responses since my last post.

Theoscargoesto thank you for sharing your experiences. I have PMd you. I have indeed read your previous posts and found them hugely helpful. Please don't worry about maybe repeating stuff you have said earlier - it actually helps a lot for people to do that because, like a toddler, I seem to need things to be repeated to me over and over again before they sink in. I found your last paragraph particularly helpful and have been re-reading it every time the demons close in. They have been doing that quite a lot lately

Don't feel inadequate about not being able to burp to order. It takes years of practice and I started to learn very early on. One of the consequences of having three brothers. They could actually just about do it from the other end as well, iyswim, but I never joined the family choir in that respect. However, maybe I could persuade them to come out of retirement and do a little ditty just for OW and DH. Maybe if they ever get married they could serenade her walking up the aisle and change the lyrics to Ding Dong the Bitch is Wed, Quick before the Groom is Dead

I think MrsFring's late uncle would have been very proud. I must say I am very jealous of his being able to do Bohemian Rhapsody ... a rare talent

Thanks Kirk123, I'm glad the thread has helped other people too. I see your name about on various threads and I know it's hard for you too. In fact, it's hard for a lot of people.

I was reading a thread by somebody who is afraid her young DD is an OW and so many posters have advised the OP to get the DD to read some of the threads on Relationships from women whose DHs have gone off with OWs. It's quite interesting that some posters have also related their own experiences of being very young OWs and how they did not, at the time, have any idea of the consequences and knock-on effect for all the other people involved. I look back to myself in my late teens and twenties and I think that guilt and, I hope, a sense of pride, decency and empathy would have prevented me from taking up with a married man who was prepared to leave his family, no matter how thrilled, flattered and excited I might have been to have had his attention. I also know that 100% my parents would have been angry, disappointed, disgusted and ashamed of me and any MM. My parents were so wise, considerate and caring that any disapproval from them would have been enough to stop me in my tracks and make me think about what I was doing.

However, at that age, I had no real idea of the devastation caused by the ending of long-term relationships. I thought I knew a lot about heartbreak and relationships; I thought I was wise and experienced; I thought I was actually a wee bit special and a little bit "more" than other women, but looking back down the years and all the trials and tribulations and shared history of 26 years together and having DC, makes me realise how bloody little I knew at that age and also how I was basically still self-centred and somewhat shallow. At the end of the day, however, at the age of 28 I was still basically a nice person who entered my relationship with DH as a free and single person, as was he. Our relationship may have foundered along the way, but at least it started on an equal and honest footing with no deceit or betrayal and nobody else was hurt. Shame that DH and OW will never be able to say that about themselves.

Oh dear, I'm having a rant again. Lots of little triggers have been setting me off. I'm sure you all know the feeling.

Tartan , they are not like us these women at all , but we must not forget our DH make the contract with us as a married couple , it's easy to blame the OW I hate her but I realise lots of women want unavailable men for a thrill ride , our DH should of respected us more to tell us it was over before shagging another !

Rant away, tartan my love, better out than in. Things can trigger off a reaction in a heartbeat, I've been divorced 3 months now, and I still feel unnerved when I have incoming from my ex. You're doing so well, xx

Yes, you're absolutely right Kirk123. The "D"Hs are every bit as culpable as the OWs; it would be dishonest of me to claim otherwise. Oh, isn't it hard though to keep the moral high ground?

I guess, hard though it is to admit, I can see why the OW is so attractive to DH - young, pretty, clever, adoring, loads of time for him, putting him on a pedestal, lots of sex - but it's understanding quite what's in it for her that I find so difficult. I'm sure there are things she sees that she likes - power, stability, father figure, admiration of the big boss for the junior employee, etc, but he also comes with such baggage. I guess I'll never understand it... I also wonder if they see a future with each other and how that might pan out. If she ever decides she would like children ... I really don't see him wanting to go through it all again. He found the baby and toddler stage hard enough in his 30s - and he was pretty crap at it to be honest - and he finds the teenage years a trial in his 50s. I can't see him relishing the thought of starting it all over again when he's pushing 60. I know, I know, I'm fixating again ... I wish there was a Stop button in my brain or Fast Forward so that I could avoid all this anguish.

Thank you too Hobbitwife. I know exactly what you mean about dreading the incoming. I have requested no communication and he is complying. But I do dread the day the email or text pops in - my heart just about bursts out of my chest and I actually get other people to open the email/text to read it to me so that the message is "softened" in the relaying. Isn't that bonkers? It's the only way I can cope with the feeling that he is out to "get me". He's done his worst, I've been punished for my transgressions, he surely can't hate me any more than he already does, but still I feel I have to hide away and am fearful of encountering him. The sooner I snap out of that mindset the better!

I think we often underestimate what a strong aphrodisiac 'power' is in and of itself. Just look around, you see so many powerful men with much younger women. Yes, it's also the money, but I think the power plays a major part. Stop and think. Do you think OW would have 'fallen' for your STBX if he'd been Jerry the Janitor or Alvin the Accountant? Of course not. She wouldn't have looked twice at him. In most of these May/December relationships it's Ego on the man's part that he's managed to attract a younger woman and the things Power can bring her on the part of the woman. I expect it's the same dynamic if it's older woman/younger man, too.

I know it's hard to not dwell on the whys and wherefores. But try to focus on your own future. It's going to be a good one once you get through all this crap.

Your H is vile. I'm sure you've heard the saying the best revenge is a life well lived. So now it's time to focus on yourself and what you need.

The first thing you need is to stop focussing (if you can) on how it all went so badly wrong, and how much of it is your fault. Just leave that alone now because it's not helping you. It's done now. Time to pick up the pieces but maybe not the time to examine them.

Stop dwelling on his cruelty and his hatred. As I said before, he is VILE. Not worth your precious time or your thoughts.

Your sadness about the memories of the DCs as little, and previous family moments, are normal (because of your age hormones? and their stages in life) but the sheer shock of what fucking bastard H has done has heightened this sadness.

So now: eating, drinking, sleeping, walking, swimming, breathing, meditation, treats, a good book, a puppy, a deep bath, the odd burping competition, whatever it takes...you need to be focused on 1. Your recovery and 2. Your DCs. That's it.

Be utterly determined to get past this pain and into a life of freedom and joy where there'll be no more treading on eggshells or living in a crap marriage to an unpleasant individual. Do something you've always wanted to do or go somewhere you've wanted to go.

He will get his comeuppance, don't worry about that. This will happen when he attempts to combine the dcs and his young girlfriend. neither she nor they will play the parts he wants them to play. It will not be harmonious, and will cause him untold difficulty and stress. And fuck him, he deserves that.

Only communicate with him by email. No conversations. He doesn't come into your home either. The less you have to do with him, the less the selfish fuckwit will be invading your head. Just don't allow it.

What you don't realise while you're in this hell, is that your life is going to get so much better, and you are going to make damn sure it does!

very best of luck to you.

Well said fantastic 😇

Oh, you made me laugh AcrossthePond and you are absolutely spot on! Exactly. Would she have been quite so keen had STBXH been the janitor or the security guy? Would she have even glanced at them if they didn't have fancy "Head of UK Programme and Exports" business cards, along with the fire-fighting trips to the Middle East, the sharp suits, the commanding personality and the contact with the rest of the European big bosses? Oh, yes, the aphrodisiac of Power and the headiness of satisfied Ego. What a basis for a relationship - just wonder how sustainable it is?

And Kirk123 is quite right; an absolutely brilliant post - and username - from FantasticButtocks Thank you

" ... but the sheer shock of what fucking bastard H has done has heightened this sadness ..." This is exactly how I feel. Everything in the past is tainted and the memories are distorted. I feel as if he has robbed me of my past and the people in it; sadly some of those people are no longer alive and it makes it doubly hard to think about them. It reduces me to instant tears.

I am making a conscious effort not to pick away at the past and analyse where it went wrong and what my part was and I'm also trying not to let myself get too knotted up about STBXH and his OW. You, along with countless other very wise and caring people, have pointed out that ultimately the only person this will hurt is me and you are all absolutely right! I know that I need to concentrate on the future and that, when I least expect it, happiness will surface and come to the forefront. I have seen this happen in other situations with other people and I know that I have to just keep making myself move forward, step by step.

Your point about comeuppance and combining DC and OW is very perceptive. I think he had this idea of the DCs being a bit upset at first and then gradually accepting that if this other person makes dad happy then that's OK and let's all go and get pizza together and have a laugh and a joke. Trouble is that STBXH seemed to think that because the DC were teenagers/young adults, they would be better able to accept the situation and behave in a grown-up fashion about it. He actually said that DD2 who he sees twice a week was the "only one behaving like a grown-up in all this". He seemed to think that the only type of DCs to be upset were younger ones who shuttle between mum and dad every week and undergo pick-ups and drop-offs. True, it is very hard for DCs in that position, but the effect on older ones cannot be under-estimated, especially when they are grown-up enough to understand exactly what dad and his new friend are getting up to. There is a special "Yeuch" factor involved in this scenario, especially for DS. My counsellor commented that in many ways the age gap means it is almost like his father is encroaching on DS's territory ...

One of the best ways of coping at the moment has been to go completely NC with STBX. I do not see him; I keep out of the way when I know he is picking up DD2; I have said that I do not want to see him at mediation; if any texts/emails come in (and there haven't been any since I requested no contact) I will get friends to open them first and relay the contents; I have got my solicitor to open a file and we will consider divorce alongside financial mediation. I really think that the only way I can survive this is to cut him out of my life as much as possible, for any form of contact sends me right back to square one. Luckily, I do not need to contact him with regard to seeing the DCs; they are old enough to sort that out themselves.

I do like the idea of a burping competition to help me forge ahead. Maybe I could form a group of burpers - need to think of a good collective noun - and we could practise outside STBXH's and OW's love nest at 3.00am. Anybody fancy joining?

Overall, I am taking tiny little steps forward and trying not to let it upset me too much when some days I end up taking great big steps backwards. I think it might help when I can get to the stage where I really believe that I am justified in feeling angry towards him and that what he did was absolutely cruel and, to quote FantasticButtocks, completely vile. This will take some alteration to the way I view myself and recognition of his part, over the years, in influencing this. It's a very hard pattern to break, but I think the sooner I stop seeing myself as the root of all the problems and thoroughly deserving of my "fate", then the easier it will be to accept that I deserve happiness and a better life.

If anybody has any hints and tips on how to get justifiably angry and stay that way, then feel free to post here. If that's OK with you and not too much of an inconvenience ....

Thank you all!

Haven't read the full thread, but just wanted to give you a huge virtual hug and . No matter how excruciating the pain of this is now I promise you, you will be triumphant in the end with a better more resilient outlook on life. It may take a couple of years to get there and the pain comes in waves, but I guarantee you, you'll arrive at a place where you'll be able to see that he's done you a favour. My saying that might seem crass ATM but if I had to bet 500 quid on the prospects of long term happiness of you or your soon to be ex I'd place it on you. He doesn't know what he's let himself in for. I am LOL at the thought of what he's got in store!

Even when/if he gets to the stage of realising that his DCs are his priority (with times to spend with them etc) over his young girlfriend, she may well get pissed off if the plans exclude her or override something they've planned... and that's where it becomes not harmonious. Because she is young and damaged and she probably wants most, if not all, of his attention for herself. She'll be maybe willing to play happy families - but neither he nor she will have any control in how much the dcs want to fit in with their ideas. And they probably won't. There will be conflict

I'd narrow down the anger to one thing (rather than agonising over every little detail about who did what wrong etc) that one thing might be that he is a weak and pathetic cliche. Just get that anger into one compartment rather than letting it seep into every aspect of your life. As you rightly say, that only hurts you, not him.

Not sure if any of that actually makes sense now

Because they are teenagers/young adults, it is worse not better. Because they are old enough to know what's gone on and to have an opinion about it, possibly one they may express. They are old enough to object, to vote with their feet, to refuse to meet ow, whereas younger children have less choice and just have to do what their parents tell them. So he's got that 100% wrong.

He is wrong if he praises dd2 for being the only one behaving like a grownup. But I guess he is glad she's still able to bring herself to talk to him and he wants it to stay that way. Telling her she's behaving better than you or the other dcs is not actually helpful (as 'grownups' behave in all sorts of ways as he himself has just demonstrated) because it divides her from her siblings. When/if she meets ow who is closer to her age than his, she may be disgusted less keen.

He's trying to get everyone to do and behave as he wants, for his benefit, by telling people who don't that they are being immature. If he invalidates their feelings and opinions in this way, the dcs will lose all respect for him. So, basically he's making a right pig's ear of this, with his misguided wrong amateur psychology. What a twat.

I'm sure you'll be able to explain to all your dcs that the mature thing to do if you're unhappily married, is to see if you can sort it then if not, end the marriage. It is not really mature to precipitate the end of the marriage by sleeping with some much younger woman from work! nor is it grown up or mature to expect everyone to just fall in line, with complete disregard for the pain you've caused them.

FANTASTIC, FantasticButtocks

Oh Tartan, I think I'm just a little bit in love with you! . You're strong, funny, sassy (that's a great word don'tcha think?!) insightful, so loving and supportive of your children, and so wanting to be fair in terms of blame and guilt that you can't see how little of the bad times were truely your fault and not the huge amount you want to accept blame for! It's all so utterly shit for you to just be suddenly parachuted in to this situation that he's been planning for ages only without you having being given a parachute; and yet, on the way down, you've not only found the strength to create yourself one, but you've been busily creating one for each of your children, and a special fancy hydrofoil one for you daughter that also protects her mental health.
You are an amazing woman, and I hope in the darker moments, you might be able to remember that more and more each time, so you find the light that bit quicker after each time.

Ps don't let him text you, block his number, Only allow email contact from him, and with a filter that drops his mail into a seperate inbox to all the rest. that way, you can chose when to deal with him in your own time, and not have the worry when your txts beep that it might be him, invading your space and mind uninvited, which Id find really upsetting and stressful. He doesn't deserve access to your life and head space, so block him out as much as you can by limiting his ability to contact you at any time other than of your choosing.

And have some more on me, (and anyone who knows me will tell you what a fabulous baker I am, so take you pick )

Hello AntiqueSinger. Thank you for your post and, no, you weren't crass at all! You have said what a lot of other, equally wise, people have said and I do believe it will turn out as you say. You're right - it will take time for me to get to a better place (as in happy, not dead!) and I just need to keep going forwards. My hope is that at some stage in the future I can come back to this thread and bellow, "Oi! AntiqueSinger! You should have bet £500,000!"

Oh FantasticButtocks your posts have helped me so much. Other posters have commented on your great advice as well .... you could find yourself in the running for a place on the Mumsnet Royalty podium.

Your post made PERFECT sense and you were spot on with regard to the DCs' reactions and feelings. It is so good to have others' views on this and it is so reassuring. STBXH never really had much idea of what made the DC tick, especially DD1 (who is improving a lot since he left) and DS. He got on well with DD2, but she pretty quickly learned that the way to behave to keep him on board was not to butt up against him, but to distract him and get round him without any conflict. I think the fact that their relationship is OK and that she is still seeing him, says more about her character than his.

I am going to copy out your final paragraph about mature behaviour and keep it on a post-it note nearby. It is so perceptive and encapsulates everything that has happened to us.

I guess there is no telling how DCs will play their part and STBXH is really missing a trick if he thinks there will just be an initial period of the DCs being in a huff which is how he actually described it, before coming round and being OK with him and OW. I was thinking of somebody I knew who left her DH for OM. Their DCs were late teens at the time. She and her DH divorced and she has been married to OM for about 10 years now. One DC is getting married this year and has invited her mum and dad and the dad's new wife (they met after the divorce went through), but not her mum's DH. The DD still harbours ill feeling towards the OM after all those years and it is now a very sad and difficult situation for the DC, the mum and her DH. But I guess the DC is showing how she feels and that it won't always be a case of forgetting, never mind forgiving. My STBXH stressed over and over to the DCs that it was me he was leaving, not them, and that he wants to have a good relationship with them. I don't think it is really that simple in their minds...

Adarajames your post made me cry a bit, but in a good way. I was feeling quite low and down before I read it and your lovely words really gave me a boost. I hope I always manage to keep supporting the DCs - I love the parachute images - and that in 1 or 5 or 10 or however many years down the line, they will still remember and always know that I was there for them and helped them willingly and with no expectation of payback, gratitude or entitlement.

DD1 is coming out of her shell more and more and although I am still holding my breath, I think that things may well turn out OK for her. She has accepted an offer from the uni in our home town and is planning to share a house with one of her friends who works and some work colleagues who are also students at the uni. She said that she is happy to stay in our home town now that DH has moved out; previously she was looking at other cities and, quite frankly, that worried me. She is going to use the time between now and then to concentrate on her mental health and to take on some extra shifts at work to build up some funds. On her application form she had ticked a box stating that she had mental health issues and the uni phoned her to tell her all about the support they could offer in all different areas, including counselling. She has arranged a meeting with them on Monday and will have a chat about it then. Oh, I so hope it all starts to work out for her. Positive vibes all the way.

I have already gone NC with STBXH because the thought of seeing him, hearing him, receiving texts or emails is still too painful and upsetting. I can't even be in the house when he picks up DD2 and he doesn't come in; he sits in the car outside and DD2 goes out to him. I either go to a neighbour's house or a friend's or sit in the bathroom. I don't for one minute think he'd ever come in and beat me up or anything; I just can't even bear to have a glimpse of him. It's horrible, but it's the only way I can cope with it. I have always found it very very hard to think that somebody is angry with me or hates me and, if I feel that they do, I tend to hide away until they have gone. A bit like if I can't see you then you can't see me. Hmmmm, makes me sound a bit strange to say the least.

And you are a baker, you say? Cake?? Well, please feel free to fire up the oven on my behalf and send some this way. I can always freeze any surplus. And if DD1 moves out in September I have a whole room that can be given over to storage.

Thank you everybody for all your help and support.

Hi Tartan. Thank you for my PM. I Have replied. Hope you are ok x

Just posting to move the thread up the list a bit. Have PM'd you Tartan. The delay was because I was away with family (which my h would have hated, and I would have spent time mollifying him, rather than doing what I did which was enjoying it) and then with friends I have met since h left. They are people he wouldn't like, so it's rather lovely that I can enjoy time with them without disapproval. Do let me know how you are doing x

Hi Theoscargoesto. Just to say I got your PM, thank you. Laptop has been in laptop hospital for a few days with a knackered fan (know how it feels) so I've been without access for a few days. All better now and will reply tomorrow. Great to hear from you.

Good morning Tartan. Just stopped by to see how you are doing. I see you have some great support on here. Really impressed by FantasticButtocks posts.
You seem to be doing better than I am. I think you may have found some anger which I am still struggling to find.
My husband is still doing exactly what he wants with no caring about me or our sons. Saw a photo of him with the OW and her daughter and it made me feel awful and even made me physically sick.
Please take care of yourself and believe that you deserve to be happy.
xx💐

Hello Hushabye - how nice to hear from you!

Yes, the MN support has been absolutely fantastic. I have had so much sane and sensible advice and have been propped up when I didn't think I'd ever be able to move forwards. I've come on and posted whilst in a terrible state and somebody has always been able to respond, talk me down and help to give me some perspective. I am absolutely certain I would not have got this far without all the wonderful people on this forum. I too am really impressed by FantasticButtocks; I wonder if she/he is a counsellor in RL?

I'm never quite sure if I'm doing well or not. I have managed to get angry, but then that little sneaky voice pipes up and I start to feel guilty, responsible, mean, blameworthy and all that sort of thing. It's horrible when it happens and I tend to do the rounds of RL friends because I find that talking to people helps give me a sense of perspective and bring me back down from whatever silly height I have reached. I find MN invaluable and have printed off some of the posts that were particularly helpful. I am also having counselling which is marvellous and gives me a safe place to vent and somebody to listen and help me to go through my issues.

I think that having a DH up and off for an OW is such a huge blow to self-confidence and self-esteem that it's very difficult to start liking yourself enough to enable the moving on process to begin. I still struggle with feeling that I don't deserve to be happy after "what I did"; that I don't deserve to have DH still paying the mortgage and bills after "the way I took him for granted and made him miserable"; that I have no right to feel aggrieved at being shunted out of the way for a 28-year old after "the lack of physical affection in our marriage" and sometimes it feels as if I'm sitting, frozen in place by my lack of worthiness, waiting to be released. It sounds absolutely crazy written down, but it's how my mind works at times. I think that genuine anger will come when I start to get over my issues with myself and start to really believe that what DH and OW did was wrong and cruel.

I am lucky in that I still have the 3 DCs living at home and although they mostly sit in their bedrooms plugged into devices, at least I know they are here. It is company for me and a huge consolation. It gives me a reason to do things, like washing, cleaning (well, maybe just a little bit), cooking, taxi service etc and I am lucky to have them. It must be very difficult for you with your sons away at uni; I know how different I feel when I am in the house on my own for even a brief spell so I really feel for you at the moment. Your DSs will have noticed the way you and they have been treated by your DH and although it might not register fully at the moment (am assuming they are both still quite young and single?), that will change as they mature and grow and start their own families. They will really see who was there for them and who cared. And he will be the one who loses out in the end.

I'm so sorry the picture made you physically sick. It must have been such a shock to see it. Did you stumble across it on social media? I have found that the only way I can cope is to have no contact with DH at all. No phone, text, or email. I don't see him or hear him. He doesn't come in the house and when he comes to pick up DD2 I am either out or in the front rooms. I just couldn't cope if I had to see him or talk to him. I don't do social media and have no FB account, so I don't have to worry about coming across anything like photos etc. If ever a text or email came in, I would ask a friend to open and read it and then tell me what it said before I could deal with it. Makes me sound somewhat bonkers, but it's the only way I can deal with it. It must be absolute hell for anybody having to speak to their DHs on a regular basis - at least my DCs are old enough to sort out their own access or lack of access.

Keep going Hushabye, keep going. I know it's so very difficult for you at the moment but everything I have read and been told says that we will come through this. It may take a while, but it will happen!

No, I'm not a counsellor; I'd be totally unsuitable as I tend to over empathise with people which does me no good at all.

I am a she

Good morning Tartan. I am so glad that MN has helped you the same as it has me. I do not know what I would have done without the wonderful support on here.
I think that there is so much experience of what we are going through.
I am glad that you have managed to get angry. I know what you mean about feeling guilty and responsible etc. I think that too. I think if I had done things differently then maybe he would still be here. But as this is not the first time this has happened it is obviously just in him. I have done everything I possibly could for him for over 30 years. Now he is just a stranger! You do not deserve any of this. If they wanted to end the marriage this is not the way to do it.
I am glad that Counselling is helping. I start mine tomorrow, so fingers crossed.
You are right our husbands going off with the OW is a huge blow to our self confidence and self esteem. In your case she is really young and in mine she is a high flyer. What they have done is terribly wrong and cruel.
It does help having your children at home even though they spend a lot of time in their rooms on various electrical wizardry. They are there!
I think that is why it is so much worse this time being on my own so much.
My DS's are only in their early twenties. The eldest is fully aware of how I have been treated and the youngest is starting to realise. My DH will be the loser in the end.
This photo was on social media. Not FB. But it was just sickening! I do not hear from my DH. I told him he had to go through the solicitor. It is just far too upsetting as you know.
I do get cross though as I have just been left to do everything. He couldn't care less though.
Let's hope that we do come through this as many have done before us. I had a really low day yesterday. The sun is out today and maybe it will be a better day.
I hope you have a good Sunday. Take care and try to keep your chin up! Xx💐