silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

I very hopeful that I'll never withdraw my parental love over a decision that my son is perfectly entitled to make.

I'm hopeful that i won't attempt to control my son and, as my parents have modelled to me, only offer unconditional support and love.

Name calling isn't nice, you're quite right. Giving people the silent treatment is childish and silly.

So stitch it's perfectly acceptable for the grandparents demand Skype sessions and completely ignore the child's parents?

I hope it all works out for you
:)

I notice you're not answering any questions here Stitch, just continuing to attack the OP. So I'm going to assume you're not interested in the thread, just in derailing it, and go back to focusing on the OP's matter at hand.

The grandparents are an important part of the family, and you are calling them childish and silly.

And she is honouring BOTH sets of grandparents by giving her child both their family names. Or are you saying that only the paternal grandparents deserve this honour.

And if this isn't your personal opinion, if you don't believe it's the right thing after 'seeing life and families', why would you proffer it as being the correct thing to do? Certainly one's opinion is what one believes to be true or right.

I certainly wouldn't offer advice/opinion if I didn't believe it was the right thing to do, just rather some random observation of what I've seen.

I have noticed that to some people, names are super duper important. Its vital that the children have the name of the father.

The children DO have the name of the father. And the mother.

Still wondering why it's so vital though.

Rumble, because I cant be bothered to get into an argy bargy with mumsnetters who clearly have strong opinions on this. Previous experience on MN has shown me that I will end up expending a lot of emotional energy into something that actually isnt that important to me. It will waste my entire evening, and I've got things that I should be doing in rl.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes, a good argy bargy is invigorating, and can be a great evening. Just not right now for me.

Before you go, please just enlighten us as to why it is so vital to have a father's name. Ta.

Hey sphinxter, ignore the super duper silliness.

You know it's insanity.

Because even if they were a bit miffed (and no one has said they can't have feelings or a preference), then the second that your ds was ill, all of that should have gone out the window, as loving parents and grandparents prioritise the care of you and their grandchild.

No?

Didn't do that?

Then they're not fulfilling their role of loving grandparents, and the DC is best off with only loving people around.

Yes please. I've just opened a packet of Nice biscuits.

I am genuinely intrigued too.

I won't understand that perspective unless it's explained ... I may not agree but I'd like to understand.

Nope. If you read what I said, then you would know that I said its very important to some people. Not that I agreed or disagreed with them. Just that I am aware of it.

Exactly fuckyou surnamegate has highlighted how unhealthy their behaviour is.

You said 'If I have to start explaining to you why its important to have the father's surname, then I am afraid that all of you have spectacularly missed a major point of what names are all about.'

So what is everyone so spectacularly missed the major point about?

Not so spectacular eh, more a damp squib. All mouth and no troosers.

Nope, nope and nope again...you don't need this kind of arsey behaviour from them. I'd stop the Skype and just send them still pictures. They can get involved with your child when they decide to grow up and behave like decent grandparents!

I still like what a friend did. They gave their ds his own surname (and this was a long time ago).

It may have caused issues at customs though :o

But his name was his and his alone.

Obviously they should have been shot for this crime. But they weren't. So that was nice.

now I feel bad. that last was to doreen.

sphinxter, I wish I could explain, but I cant. Its just one of those things that people have very strong feelings about. I dont know why.
for example, my dc are mixed race, sort of, but you wouldnt know it to look at them as its subtle. It was important to dh that we describe them by his race in the ethnicity forms, and since I couldnt care less, I was happy for him to tick that box. Logically, if he was that bothered about race, he shouldnt have had kids with someone who isnt from the same country as him, but I dont think logic had anything to do with it. As the kids get older, they will make their own decisions about it.

because I cant be bothered to get into an argy bargy with mumsnetters who clearly have strong opinions on this

In other words, you have no basis at all from which to argue and you know it, but you are too much of a coward to admit that you are just talking from essentially a prejudiced position. So you will instead pretend that it is because you do not want argue! Off you go then, and don't let the door hit you in your self-judging arse on your way out!!

I didn't ask you to 'argy bargy' Stitch I asked you to engage in reasonable discussion about the views you'd gone to the trouble of putting on this thread. Which is kind of what a forum is all about and why I assumed you were posting.

OP, this is rather a useful example for your dh of how it's impossible to engage in rational discussion unless both sides are reasonable.

Right- where were we? Oh yes. Controlling, unreasonable behaviour by ILs, summed up beautifully by their reaction to child being given both parents' names.

OP, this is rather a useful example for your dh of how it's impossible to engage in rational discussion unless both sides are reasonable

High fived!!

I gave my DD my surname as well as her father's.

My name is important to me, just as my DH's name is important to him. I kept my name when we got married, so its now double barrelled, as is my DD's.

My DH had no issue with it whatsoever, neither has any of our families, I would be amazed if they did.

These people are small minded and ridiculous. Hopefully your DH will lay the law down and the will get over themselves.

Anyhoooo, I guess all you can do is support DH when he has a lightbulb moment and gently help him to 'dissect' his feelings when he falls into the FOG. The iLs should be ignored.

Toria sounds like a perfectly normal reaction.

Thanks for all the responses and advice. It seems like it's a matter of supporting dh while he works out where he wants to draw the line. Your blunt options have helped a lot and I appreciate you all being there and responding. I'm sure I'll be back to vent and update while I'm waiting for the lightbulb moment.