silly childish in laws

[sphinxster]

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

He most definitely didn't feel guilty when he read the message. So it looks like their well and truly losing control of their son.

He said he will turn the "you don't care" around into a "you don't care about or respect our decision nor my wife's role as his mother if you think she has no right to pass her name to her son".

This will go round in another circle, but this will be the last one.

Jelly I like that.. I'll suggest it for a closing statement on his email. Thank you

Babies in UK hospitals appear to be 'born with' their mother's last name, IME. When my DC were born (before me and DH were married) all hospital paperwork, their red health records, etc had their first names written correctly on them but with my surname, despite the fact that we had already decided they would have DH's surname.
It actually quite annoyed me that these things were done without anyone asking me what I wanted printing on it.

Anyway, their point about your DS naturally having his fathers name, and then you changing it is total balls. They sound insane.

I just think this is massively disrespectful to you as the mother. Cos it´s your name they´ve got a problem with. It´s not enough that it be dbl-barrelled. So it´s like a big, massive snub towards you and the importance of your name, not to mention your rights as his mother.

They´re imbiciles and you guys will be well rid. Glad your husband is getting his loyalties right and prioritising you over them.

Honestly, are you not fuming? How very dare they?!

It is, yak. His ankle tag, NICU records and his label from his incubator all have my surname on them.

I actually feel sick that they can treat their own child this way.

I was fuming initially over their total lack of respect towards me and the idea that they see me as a breeding cow but I couldn't give a flying fuck about their opinions anymore. I care deeply about their lack of respect for my husband.

They couldn't care less about what he's been through or what his wishes are. That is very upsetting. He's done nothing wrong.. In fact, he's done everything right and he's treated like this!

Holy fucking shitballs

Even if you were to receive an utterly grovelling apology, this has affected he relationship forever.

How dare they. How fucking dare they

Yeah it's maternal surname in UK hospitals.

What dicks. Your Dh is going to have to go through a bit of a process tbh. As ds gets older that whole 'how could parents treat a child like this?' feeling just grows and grows. Similar happened to my Dh. We now have VERY limited very cool contact with his parents. Very sad (for them) really but if you can't put your own children first that's what happens.

Luckily my parents love Dh so he can have a totally bonkers and infuriating normal family experience with them.

Families eh? You can't live with 'em and you can't kill them with a shovel and hide their corpses under the patio.

"Dear old fashioned fuckwits Parents,

It appears we are at an impasse then. Since it does not appear that you wish to respect us as parents we are regretfully severing contact with you.

Regretfully
Your Son"

He's sending them the email. I feel sick for him. He's very upset and angry.

Sphinx it will be hard but it will get better. I supported my DH going NC with his parents (for very different reasons but still hard) and I have absolutely no doubt my MIL behaviour in particular would have made the last five years a nightmare if he hadn't.
My MIL decided she didn't like the name Madeleine (which i shortlisted for my DD) and you know what she said to put me off?? That everyone will just think of Madeleine McCann and personally she thought it was tempting fate or some other shit using that name!! (Madeleine McCann went missing the year before) I was absolutely fucking gobsmacked - didn't even respond and that is totally unlike me!

Good luck! Hopefully he's prepared for whatever response or non-response he gets.

Is this the first time he's challenged them so thoroughly or the first time he's stood his ground this long?

Just curious as that may give you an idea of how long they'll keep this up!

Any coping strategies you can advise, Lilyannapollyanna?

I think I'm just out for a bit of hand holding at this point. We've been through so much this past 4-5 months and this is such a shit thing for his parents to do to him. Their son's son almost died and they behave like this!!

Acrossthepond this is the first time he's ever challenged them. It's evident from their previous behaviours they're egocentric and 'our way or the highway' type people but it's never been such a huge issue before.

Constant reassurance and support (which I'm sure you're already doing) and if you feel he is even swaying towards being in the wrong gently remind him of why he came to his decision. I can imagine there has been much heartache in your home the past few months, and all in all if they were such loving grandparents they wouldn't care if your DS had been given the surname Thundercunt they'd still move heaven and earth to have a proper relationship with him.
I tried not to mention them unless my DH did/does

Can I just say how amazingly your dh is being.

Standing up for his son and his wife, in the face of enormous emotional blackmail from his parents, is an incredibly strong and brave thing to do. He is doing the right thing. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

The three of you sound like such a wonderful family. You will need to lean on each other through this.

I'm sure he knows how proud of him you are. He is being the role model that his parents could never be.

I hope you can find some peace after such an emotional time, made worse by their idiocy.

He deserved to have supportive parents. He didn't get them. But luckily he found you.

*how amazing

And I would get him the Toxic Parents book to help him make sense of it all.

Fucking hell Sphinx I cannot believe your ILs! Good in a way that they've continued being twats in writing as they've shown their true colours early on. Your poor DH

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm genuinely overwhelmed by the advice and support you've taken the time to give.

Real life friends and family want to stay neutral and positive (understandably) so it's been extremely helpful to come here.

Thank you a thousand times.

DH is a good person, he truly is. He rescues kittens FFS, he doesn't deserve this.

He's a wonderful father already and I'm certain he'll be a wonderful role model to fluffy. He's already teaching him about mutual respect and equality in marriage!

You had me at ¨kittens¨! lol

But seriously, hope you guys get through this without too much drama from the Toxic Twosome. Keep us updated.

Wishing you well, Fluffy, sphinxter and OH

Have you taken a look at the stately homes threads? They might help you both

Well, if this is the first time he's stood up to them, it may take awhile before they 'give up'

They may take a while. Or not. First time I stood up to my parents they dropped me like a stone. Well, they tried to get my inlaws to tell me off (lovely inlaws asked me what I would like them to do), sent my brother to tell me off (dh fielded that one), sent emotionally-blackmailing cards to my 9yo (we binned those) - but made no attempt to talk to me. Because I'm Unreasonable and Selfish you see . That was 5 years ago. So much nicer without them!