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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silly childish in laws

311 replies

sphinxster · 30/01/2016 13:24

I've posted about this previously: in laws "devastated" and ignoring us because dh and I gave ds my surname as well as his/theirs.
DS is now 4 months old and they're still giving us the silent treatment. DH messages them updates about ds and sends photos. They've recently decided they want to Skype once a week to see ds (we live overseas). So once a week we have these awful silent Skype sessions where they won't acknowledge dh ( I don't get involved).
Talking to dh today that I really didn't like it and how long was he going to allow it. He says he doesn't want to stop them seeing their grandchild and wants to be the bigger person. I think they're the ones that are stopping themselves from seeing their grandchild and they should only be allowed to see him if they are willing to show some respect to his parents/us.
I'm really pissed off about their behaviour and even though he's too young to know what's going on, I don't want him exposed to this ridiculous behaviour.
WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
sphinxster · 05/02/2016 10:44

Thanks all, I appreciate your replies.

Yep, dh does have a long way to go before he can accept his parents are truly hideous. He thinks this is a blip and he wants their relationship to go back to how it was (which, by his own admission, wasn't particularly great anyway).

The fact that he still hasn't had a response to his message yet saying 'of course we want to sort this out' speaks volumes. The message has been read.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2016 22:17

God they're horrible Sad

How long are you going to leave it? Have you thought about what you'll do if you just get another call to Skype?

Original poster
sphinxster · 06/02/2016 17:33

Response to dh's text:

"I would like to know how we can resolve the issue"

Erm... By getting over your grandson's surname because it's irrelevant to your relationship and being normal!?!?!?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
sphinxster · 06/02/2016 17:37

And it took them two days to waits that profound response!

They sound like people who don't want a resolution. They're quite content playing the victims.

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 06/02/2016 17:40

OP, I know your DH is struggling with this, and that would possibly explain the very limited text he sent. However, that response tells me that your ILs are intent on twisting your DH into all kinds of painful knots, because your DH hasn't been clear, specific, and unambiguous with his communication to spell out what your ILs are doing, why it's unacceptable & that you won't let your DS be subjected to this nonsense while they show such little respect for you both as DS' parents.

Your DH is going to have to really think about what he says now - I really think clear, unambiguous, non- vague response is warranted, not one watered down to avoid a disagreement/bad feeling/disapproval as that isn't going to achieve anything I'm afraid.

Good luck with it, your DH is going to need it.

Ohfourfoxache · 06/02/2016 17:50

I'm with Tension

Might be time to start drafting an email....

FantasticButtocks · 06/02/2016 17:52

The response to that if he wants to respond is 'what do you suggest?'

FantasticButtocks · 06/02/2016 17:53

They can hardly reply 'you change the baby's name and we'll say no more about it' and if they do, then perhaps it will become clearer to your DH what he needs to do.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 17:56

Ha! I'd text back "Gee, I don't know. What do you suggest? Maybe get over yourselves?". Best not, I suppose.

This is just their PA/Narc way of putting the ball back in DH's court for something that is their problem, just so they can refuse and criticize any 'solution' DH comes up with as being 'unkind' or 'unreasonable' or 'why do you hate us?'. Listen, you two don't have a problem with Fluffy's last name, they do. Therefore it's their problem to solve. Not yours. They need to come to terms with your decisions (past and future) and their lack of authority over them.

You're right, they don't want a resolution. Or rather, they don't want any resolution other than having it all their way.

I think the thing that angers me is that they know they are hurting their own son by their actions. And for parents to knowingly hurt their children, especially just to get their own way, is just something that I cannot understand.

Original poster
sphinxster · 06/02/2016 18:00

I think the thing that angers me is that they know they are hurting their own son by their actions. And for parents to knowingly hurt their children, especially just to get their own way, is just something that I cannot understand.

^ This is exactly what I said to dh earlier today.^^
^^

OP posts:
Original poster
sphinxster · 06/02/2016 18:05

We had a chat earlier and it's clear he's torn:

  1. he thinks they'll suddenly and spontaneously see the error of their ways

  2. he says it doesn't matter what they decide because "it's not like they been the sort of patents I've been able to lean on for support anyway and at least my conscience will be clear"

I asked him if he'd feel comfortable emailing his mum's brother to explain what's been happening and see if he can have a word. He says he might do this as a last resort.

I told him he had to send the email by the end of this week and then we resolve this one way or the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
sphinxster · 06/02/2016 18:14

And... As for the "there will be consequences" text, he believes the consequences in question are that his family name will die out now and not consequences are regarding their actions.

I think the consequences are that they're accepting they'll never meet ds because of his surname.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 06/02/2016 20:09

I think this is now a much bigger issue than the surname-thing isn´t it? It´s gone far beyond that. Even if they did turn round and say ¨OK, we relent and agree with the surname you´ve given our Grandson¨, ( which will never happen! ), now that you´ve seen the kind of people they are, how they operate, how utterly dysfunctional and irrational these odd buggers are....are you really gonna be like ¨OK so when do you wanna come visit?¨. Like let´s forget any of this ever happened, have selective memory syndrome and it´s all hunky dory?!

I don´t think so. So Surnamegate is kind of irrelevant now. A non-issue. Cos you´ve both seen their true colours. Personally, I wouldn´t wanna go near such people with a 10 foot barge pole! They are nasty, poisonous, vindictive twats. Not worth spending a moment of your life on imo.

PoshPenny · 06/02/2016 20:34

If this was me I would be tempted to walk past during a Skype session loudly muttering about how utterly ridiculous the whole thing was. Hopefully that would bring things to a head. You can't carry on like this for the reasons explained by previous posters.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 21:54

In a way either of his thoughts would be taken care of by just not responding to their text and simply moving on with your life together?

As I see it:

1) he thinks they'll suddenly and spontaneously see the error of their ways

And time will tell if this is true. If it's 'sudden and spontaneous' then no action is needed on either of your parts, right? Isn't that the definition of 'sudden and spontaneous, that it has no actual 'cause'?

2) he says it doesn't matter what they decide because "it's not like they been the sort of patents I've been able to lean on for support anyway and at least my conscience will be clear

If they haven't been good parents to him then he owes them nothing and can walk away from a relationship with them with (in his own words) 'a clear conscience'.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 21:55

Why did I end the first sentence with a '?' instead of a '.'

Original poster
sphinxster · 07/02/2016 16:31

Knowingly hurting their own son to punish him for giving his own son his mother's surname. Surnamegate has definitely brought out their true colours.

DH is coming to realise this too but he needs to work it out in his own time.

He's text back (something along the lines of): ds had a hole in his heart, breathing difficulties, pneumonia and jaundice. He could have died! Could you tell me why the order of his name is so important?

IF they reply, I assume we'll get some repetitive bollocks about how traumatised they are with no actual explanation. "Because it's upset us" like the nasty brats they are.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 07/02/2016 16:59

They've made it clear; 'how can we resolve this' boils down to change the name or show us ds on Skype while we don't talk to you. Because there are no other options as far as they are concerned.

If they're seriously willing to walk away from their child over nothing more than the baby's name isn't what they instructed .... if they're willing to die on that hill then their relationship with dh is so insignificant to them that your poor dh has nothing left to lose. Although that must be so painful to him to see in action that its no wonder he doesn't want to face it.

MoominPie22 · 07/02/2016 17:12

This whole thing just illustrates to me what they really feel towards your husband and your son. They have a blatent ¨It´s my way or the highway¨ attitude. Do things their way or to pot with you....type thing. It´s like they are made of stone and will not be moved, in any way!

Well keep showing your husband our responses on here ( maybe? ) and then at least he´s getting some perspective from people who are totally impartial as we know none of you. Just a suggestion.....If we can help you guys one iota with our opinions ( as blunt as they are Grin ) then you know where we are.

I think your husband needs to decide what his cut off point is gonna be though. This to-ing and fro-ing could go on for a while and you´d be playing into their hands possibly.

You guys should maybe be like, ¨These are our terms ( boundaries ), they´re non-negotiable, like it or lump it!¨....and be prepared for them to lump it. Cos let´s be honest, I think they´ll play you guys for as long as they can, stringing it out, but they´re very unlikely to change their personalities/attitudes are they?

If they´re willing to cut off their noses to spite their faces then let them get on with it I say.

stitch10yearson · 07/02/2016 17:15

Names are a big deal. If your dh has given his child your name on purpose then he has committed a very big no-no. It can take a long time to get over it, yet the grandparents are trying their best to do so for the sake of their grandchild. The OP needs to understand and appreciate that what seems like nothing to her, can be a very big deal in some cultures/societies, and see that her in laws are doing their best to overcome this.

mybloodykitchen · 07/02/2016 17:21

Have you actually RTFT? ??????!!!!!!!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2016 17:22

Honestly, I know it's not possible right now but the best thing he could do is just refuse to engage. Barring that, ask no questions. Just make statements.

I know he thinks that somewhere, somehow there are 'just the right words' that will cause his parents to have a 'Come to Jesus' moment. He thinks if he keeps talking those 'magic words' will pop out of this mouth. They won't.

I really think you should suggest counseling for him. Or both of you if that would get him to go.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2016 17:25

Oh for God's sake, stitch, this isn't the 16th century and OP's child is not the heir to some fucking title.

You are ridiculous.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2016 17:26

Unless of course, you are the grandparents. In which case, do one.

Joysmum · 07/02/2016 17:29

stitch10yearson

I think you've missed the point. Of course names are important to the OP which is why her child bears the surname of both parents.

I'm seriously amused that you've spectactcularly missed that given its the point of the thread Grin

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