Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

It's unimportant to me that current BF has only just left home and is bad with money etc because I'm not looking to join finances, live together, a stepdad for my kids, marriage etc.

If he wanted all that our relationship would have to end because a. It isn't what I want and b. He's not in a position to join my family as an equal.

And it is more the combination of failed relationships AND failed jobs AND no money that would ring alarm bells. I should add that I am seeing this from the perspective of someone who lives alone, with no family to help, having once had a rape attempt and very aware that I need to be careful who I let into my life.

Yes, you should understand that 'everyone is mean to me' is not going to cut it as an explanation of all of the above.

That will send any sane woman running in the opposite direction TBH.

Yes, you should understand that 'everyone is mean to me' is not going to cut it as an explanation of all of the above.

Nor will "I'm better than everyone at everything but nobody else sees it and it's not fair that I don't have what they have".

The first good relationship to have is one with yourself.
So it means understanding what holds you back emotionally.
I only know one way to do that= therapy.
Love yourself man!

I feel bad that you are going through this, and I mean this in the least shitty way possible....

Work- the people around you are the problem
Friends- the people around you are the problem
Relationships- the other person is the problem
Family- they are the problemhave you ever considered that it is in fact you that is/ has the problem?

You sound like you over analyse every single thing in your life rather than just let it be.
Why do you need a relationship / super career / amazing friends etc to be a better you? Only you can do that. Once you have im sure the rest will fall into place.

Worse for me is a serial LTR er for whom none of them were proper life commitments

And

If so, I think perhaps I need to start seeking women in relationships? .. I am not sure that's a good route. I think more I need someone who is ready for an LTR, not one who has serial fake ltrs

It is a bit disturbing that you think this way.

Long term relationships don't work out for hundreds of reasons. It sounds like you want to draw a woman into a relationship with you that she's never allowed to escape from. That you want her to decide from the outset that it's for keeps and she's "committed" and she'll endure this path of discovery and construction that you imagine your life will be once this woman is secured to your side.

Here's my penneth worth.

It seems to me that you may be guilty of over analysing yourself and, more importantly, giving a shit about what others think. At 42, you should be well on your way to knowing "who you are" and realising that life is too short to worry about the things we have little control over.

Ok, job/career wise there is scope to change. But personality wise, you are who you are, faults/warts and all. So I agree with the "love yourself" mantra.

And if you're looking to change your life and feel at a crossroads of sorts, unsure of what path to take, then you could always take the advice of Mr. Sondheim. A line from Into the Woods- I know what my decision is, it is not to decide

And yes people usually have a number of LTR in their (now) long lives. Doesn't mean the relationships were in anyway superficial or fake. People can be in a single relationship for their whole lives and the relationship be superficial/fake. It's not a judgement you can make based on the length of a relationship and it's not a judgement you are in a position to make about a stranger.

You have extraordinarily high expectations from people around you I think based on what you have determined is the 'right way' to do things.

I think if you want to move forward you would benefit from being more understanding and less judgemental.

I understand that this thread was an introspective, and you are only showing one specific and miserable part of yourself, but;

From this thread the impression of you I've got is that you are;

• unhappy
• whiny
• unwilling to take responsibility for your life
• judgemental
• superior
• have a low opinion, but high expectations of women
• have a low opinion of anyone who doesn't recognise how special you are
• jealous
• deeply resentful of other people
• obsessed with tick box achievements
• not really open to a mutual relationship but looking for a mother

If I met you and this came across it would be these things that put me off not anything to do with cars or money.

^^ What Offred said

Its OK, I understand that comments after wine o'clock might get a bit um direct let's say.

I'm happy to say that like the daylight in the book I took my name from, the discussion today has helped, I found myself being very warmed by good service in a local restaurant, and found myself almost in tears at how beautiful I found some things in a shop window.. Not because I couldn't afford them, but just because it was beautiful that I liked them, so something is unsticking..for the record, I own a property.

Seriously though, I have high standards because when I am safe, and loved I have extremely high standards myself.

I have had no wine.

Sorry, but you're still doing it. "when I'm safe and loved" I have high standards. Why don't you have high standards all the time? Why do you NEED that external influence.

Do this for yourself. Be happy in yourself. Sort the things out that are making you dislike you, for yourself. This isn't someone else's responsibility. It's yours. You're an adult, not a child. Offred is right, it's like you're looking for a mother.

Wow aye ameriok, nooo not at all, I am more like Shane McGowan's lyric 'I kept your dreams with me babe, and put them with my own, I built my dreams around you(yours in my case) I see that process as mutual..

At as for itisstillfolkgirl.. Yes a lot of what you say is sitting in obeyance I need to answer those questions and you are right to try to lift my thinking...its not been ignored, just harder for me to be honest about..

Aye amerock..

BE A BETTER COUNCELLOR
BE A MATHMETICIAN
YOU NEED TO PLAN

these don't help someone learn to council, lean maths or help someone plan..

After all the 'be who you are' you now say 'but if you tell me the wrong who you are I will tell you that's incorrect'

When I am in love I change is that weird...or something that everyone has admitted since love was ever written about?

No wine here either!

I wouldn't take fairytale of New York as a model of healthy relationships...

I still think therapy is the answer for you TBH.

What's weird and deeply disconcerting is your statement up thread that you feel like you need someone else to be who you are.

No I don't think people do change when they are in love, not fundamentally anyway and someone who can't be happy or themselves when they are single is not a healthy person TBH.

Itsounds very angry...a friend to me would get this kind or response..
-unhappy..I understand

• whiny- keep talking, people are shit and situations arebastards, I'm on your side
• unwilling to take responsibility for your life..of course you should lean on others, your problen is my problem how can i help?
• judgemental..its good to reset and understand your values define yourself with my blessing
• superior, damn right you're superior, you're the best, and we both know it
• have a low opinion, but high expectations of women, ..er this isn't true.. But with a friend this would be 'yep' but aren't they great though, really...
• have a low opinion of anyone who doesn't recognise how special you are..yes I do, and to a friend 'damn right some people just cannot understand how great you are, of course they don't, they aren't worthy
• jealous, (actually its nor jealousy its logic, i dont mind working witg or rewarding people who are better thanme) its not wrong to be jealous, when crap people get money, let's work out how to get it off them..
• deeply resentful of other people, yes thebastards, I'm on your side
• obsessed with tick box achievements, let's look at your tick box achievements the list is longer than theirs
• not really open to a mutual relationship but looking for a mother..haha thus is sooo misunderstood.. A man looking for emotional sharing is belittled 'looking for a mother' but a woman seeking free financial security is not 'looking for daddy' but 'being practical'.....

I meant after wine o'clock less to mean about wine, but more about when the 'help' turns to attack...some people don't need wine

It's quite simple, on the face of it, your problem.

You've identified the things you aren't happy with already; not feeling recognised at work, not feeling happy with your life generally, not having had successful relationships, not having many friends, struggling to make ends meet on your income.

That's the first step.

The next step is you thinking through what you can do, and what you want to do, about those problems.

All the over analysing what women want/don't want, all the almost crying at shop windows, all the feeling misunderstood etc is almost entirely irrelevant apart from that all that in addition to your seeming inability/unwillingness to take steps to make things better for yourself indicate you may be depressed.

Its fascinating that only one..maybe two people have asked what I'm good at or could be good at or who I am to believe this, which is astonishing really., as I say though the advice earlier was a little less 'bashing' so I am taking this with a pinch of salt..

See the thing is lanark, people on here are not your friends.

We are people on the Internet, on a forum that is noted for it's forthright responses.

I'm not in the business of placating or indulging some stranger on the Internet.

I'm giving you honest feedback about how I feel you have come across on this thread.

It's up to you whether you take it in.

And yes, wanting a woman to fix your life for you is wanting a mother.

No, not wanting a LTR with shared finances with a man who says he can't afford to keep himself without help from his friends is not the same as wanting a man to take on the whole financial burden of the relationship.

If it's any help I read recently that workplace bullying is often different as it can often be aimed at the more competent staff by other not very good staff/managers who feel threatened by them, so you may have a point. Probably best to try and focus on positive steps you can take for your career as this is the easiest thing to work on first. Consider applying for new jobs across a wider area, or think about what you would really like to aim for and break it down into baby-steps to take to work towards it. Also look for an interesting hobby or voluntary work for your spare time this may help you make some new friends and stop worrying about relationships for a while. When you start liking yourself more then other people will want to spend more time with you too. Over doing self-analysis is a quick route to MH problems in my view. (Certainly was for me.) Go to bed thinking about what you have achieved each day, however small, not the things you haven't (yet). Good luck.

Hmm you are confusing the presence of love to allow a man to flow properly, with someone who picks up knickers and does the dishes for you.. Actually, I think this is in reality a infantilising narrative, and unhelpful..(eg as I say a woman wanting a financially secure man is a little girl inseeking daddy..)..

Agree with Offred

OP, I think you have low insight. You talk about others being 'dull' and seem to feel you're special and deserving of recognition. But you haven't earned it.

You blame everything but yourself for where you are today. You seem to have a persecution complex?

You talk about being 'an idea's person' yet none of your ideas have ever come to fruition? This strikes me as a bit Walter Mitty-ish.

I do agree you should seek therapy. I think how you currently view yourself and the world is significantly unrealistic. Therapy can help you learn to understand yourself and the world a bit better. Also help you thick a bit more realistically.