Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

Ha ha! I'm just procrastinating over my reading for uni TBH and this is a relatively stimulating distraction.

Welshmoth and Chopstiks thanks. First thing is to understand that if I communicate vulnerability, some help and join in, some attack.. I am going to work on ways to identify when people see shared information and trust as a strength, and which people see that as a weakness to hammer into. That would help with the current work situation, and with the last relationship as I mistook strength of character for the former.

That I am thinking about in detail especially how to be more careful with 'scoring" attackers (I am also goimg to read some conflict management books to help as I clearly am not easily recognising politics in workplaces)

1. I need to move towards a creative field- ideally flat or multi disciplinary teams who don't work by pecking order and ranking but by collaboration..-probably expert teams.

3.I am going to work hard to remember what made me attractive in relationships before I was also adding financial solidity into the equation.

1. I am going to date either women with their own solidity, or women who seek a shared journey, preferably the latter..(my Myers Briggs reassessment from the links here did state this need and skill explicit ly

I think you might need to evaluate what you feel is important in life. What do you want for yourself. Without a partner. Get that sorted and all else will follow.

Your job sounds unfulfilling. What would you like to do? Could you take your creativity, positivity and drive to a charity and work for them? Feed your mind and your sense of value and not worry about the cold hard cash and the kudos. Can't afford your property? Downsize, live more frugally. Feed your soul.

Do this first. Then someone will come along who wants to share their ife with you.

x post - yes to 2. No to 3 and 4.

How sure are you that what other people receive in your attempt to communicate vulnerability is actual vulnerability?

What I see is superiority, aggression and avoidance. That's not an effective way of helping people understand you are feeling vulnerable.

Your issue IMO is not that you are not good enough at recognising workplace politics but that you may well be seeing it everywhere and your responses are not conducive to reducing/resolving potential or actual conflicts.

Whatever field you are in there will be times when there is a pecking order. I think you may need to examine your beliefs about what is true collaboration, for example, true collaboration is about working together not individuals being recognised and lauded. It will be hard to work together if you have difficulty accepting that other people sometimes won't recognise what you have to offer and that this is normal.

What you feel other people may be attracted to is likely to be wrong. You need to work on valuing what you have rather than getting other people to value what you have before you feel secure.

If you select women who are financially secure and you really are living hand to mouth they are not likely to want you as they will see you as a potential cocklodger. The shared dreams thing is fine but you need to have your own individual dreams first and you can't hang about waiting for a relationship before you make a start on your own life/dreams. That is not an attractive proposition either and will be interpreted as you wanting a rescuer/mother.

That's really great that you've come up with some plans! Really good luck in improving things for yourself.

But as pretty much everyone else has said - interpreting advice and insight as "attacks" or "bullying" (when you explicitly said "any help or suggestions welcome") is highly likely to be at the root of some of your problems.

Ask yourself, what exactly would a load of strangers on a parenting site get out of "attacking" you? Perhaps you tend to doubt people's intentions rather often? Or see the worst in people? People have actually spent time and energy really thinking through your predicament and coming up with suggestions and advice and empathy for you. This clearly means nothing to you and they might as well have all typed "fuck off Lanark" for all you care.

It's clear in your response to your imaginary friend earlier that you think "support" means "telling someone you like they are perfect and better than everyone else". Thus I guess it makes sense that "friendly critique" or "advice" (which indicates people aren't perfect and can change) is seen as unsupportive. That's just not right, I'm afraid.

Interestingly, this is helping me understand how some of the sweetest-natured people I know have found themselves accused of "bullying" at work for having the temerity to e.g. ask people not to delete all their work, or suggesting that not breaching copyright is a good idea. Presumably people just like Lanark think that any critique, however justified, is a personal attack. I'd love to know why.

Actually, I'm hearing someone who is self sufficient and craves support. Someone who hasn't been complimented and so has internalised his own self complimenting.

People generally want someone who is self assured and secure in themselves and has plans for their life that they are working to achieve.

They want someone who respects their independence and their dreams for themselves and whose dreams and plans are compatible with theirs.

They will perceive your idea of 'looking for shared dreams' as controlling and an expectation that they need to both fit in with your dreams and make them happen for you.

OP mentioned parents with low expectations. Could be he's spent most of his life having to pat his own back at the same time as listening to them putting him down - so has built up a combination of feeling attacked by others and self-complimenting to survive it. Like a big shield against what op imagines other people think about him - he thinks they think he's shit and he's trying to tell himself he isn't.

Yes, I imagine that's a really good explanation.

He does come across as someone who feels the world is against him and he needs to constantly and aggressively defend himself against threats.

It's usually a result of an insecure attachment.

The route to improve that would be therapy.

Therefore, he's trying to love himself but doesn't know how to because that voice is still there saying 'but they think you're shit'

It's a common problem.

It's totally resolvable by readjusting that belief about the world and by learning different ways to communicate with people, though it may take time in therapy.

Agree Offred.

Op, you'll find your way through it. You're at the start of the process. You recognise a need to do something, have a few ideas but are unsure. I would seek professional advice to guide you through your self-development. It's worth the bucks. Best thing I ever did!

Yes, it is entirely resolvable.

I do think therapy would be enormously helpful but you must be ready to engage with working on yourself (it is impossible to change other people).

You can get talking therapy on the NHS. Many workplaces offer access to free or reduced rate therapy and many private therapists offer reduced rates for people who have limited funds.

And the trouble is, the more brains you've got the bigger the barrier is that you will build. So the faulty viewpoint becomes more entrenched because you've used your creativity to create a more convincing picture.

Offred must have struck a few chords pointing out a few inconsistencies that rang a little bell, that maybe the picture of others/your place in the world isn't quite right. For example, that women want men with money but you're the one who's concerned about having money. Your intelliegence must be ringing a little bell telling you that can't apply to all women - many have their own or many don't give a toss about cash/material stuff - and that you are the one who wants to have money to impress.

These inconsistencies in your logic are the key - that is where you see the chinks in your defence system. Is it useful for you to have this system of belief anymore? Can you begin to tear it down and free yourself from it? That process will need to be guided by a professional.

(What is unlikely to resolve it is simply reading books about other people, seeking out different environments and different people IMO)

Yes, reading books will just give you food for thought. A therapist can get you to the wall and make you see it for what it is at a pace that suits you. Books can supplement this. But only the trained professional will show you the way. I still think looking at your career might help, but maybe after you start the process as the change of people/environment maybe isn't necessary.

One of the things I enjoy about the (sometimes scary) process of therapy is always feeling like someone's got my back. At no point have they ever put me down. In fact, they have shown me how bloody clever my brain is having created it's belief system that was necessary in my past but mre of a hindrance now. It's like you've got a someone who really cares about you.

And I just want to also add that one of the reasons I don't think it would be helpful to post positive and affirming responses is because they would have a negative total effect - of confirming and affirming your negative view of the world as full of bullies and hardship which might make you feel safer but wouldn't help you resolve the recurring issues you mention.

The reason I have chosen to point out numerous times the negative aspects of your way of communicating is because I think this is the root of your recurring problems and because of you identify that there is a disconnect between what you are feeling and what you are expressing then you can make the rest of your life from now on much happier.

I'm not sure that therapy works for everyone.

No, it doesn't work for people who don't want to engage with changing themselves.

Exactly what I meant Offred

OP - I'm not great with words I must admit. English isn't my first language so much of what I'm reading is really testing me.

But.

I meant, what are you going to do on a practical level to get yourself out of this situation re work?

How about re-jigging your CV?
Is your CV up to date?
Can your current workplace offer any new training?

Stuff like that.

Are you able to rationalise your feelings, and acknowledge the success you have achieved?

If you are employed, own a house and have friends- is that not something to feel happy about?

It strikes me that you seem so depressed, despite all of the good fortune around you?

OP have you come across the Dunning-Kruger effect? If you're unskilled, you don't have the ability to assess your own skill. In some cases, someone will drastically over-estimate their own ability. You say at school you knew medical encyclopaedias inside out but were told you were no good at biology - but whose judgement can you trust in that situation?
At school, my chemistry teacher used to set the class questions from a textbook. Then he'd check with me whether he'd got the answers right. Teachers don't always keep good kids down, but I did have to learn how to handle myself.
I'm not the only one who thinks your thoughts are disordered. That's not an attack or bullying. You can't change unless you start to recognise a problem.