Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

Thanks, I'm curious about the use of the word 'disordered' I'm not sure I understand what that means? Unstructured? Not logical, babbling?.

Can you help explain what you mean?

Re medical encyclopaedia, I knew, I tested myself. Actually there was gender bias in biology in my school, the leafy girls science..f'in idiots, but the point was that I learnt something in advance at home and then had to pretend I knew less at school or teachers would label me disruptive or insubordinate.

Also its two stage, recognising a pheonomenen is not the same as agreeing its a 'problem'

Scary dinosaurs..yes and no, they feel good occasionally, but its too.much of an illusion

The disordered thinking relates to you treating certain assumptions/personal perceptions as though they are factual for example you assume that teachers were labelling you disruptive because of your perceived superior knowledge whereas most people would say 'I felt this was the reason why' you say 'this is what happened'.

You have demonstrated this kind of thing numerous times on this thread. Assuming intentions or feelings or desires, even behaviours as fact by making reference only to your perceptions/beliefs and nothing else.

You don't seem to adequately differentiate between your subjective experiences and perceptions and objective reality or make an attempt at empathy or understanding.

It's simply 'I felt so it is'.

You; I felt vulnerable so however I was expressing myself people are at fault for not seeing I was vulnerable.

Reality; what you expressed was anger and aggression. Expressing vulnerability as anger and aggression is fairly common but most people still will not interpret or react to that as vulnerability (at least not immediately anyway) because anger and aggression signal strength and power. People reacting to anger and aggression which masks vulnerability simply cause the vulnerable person to feel more vulnerable and 'got at' if the person doesn't realise and change their response to something less confrontational and something more appropriate to serve the purpose of communicating vulnerability then they are likely to develop a persecution complex.

You; I felt I knew more than I was being taught and so teachers treated me badly because they weren't as clever as me.

Reality; the teacher was trying to teach a class of thirty children what they needed to pass an exam and going off topic, whilst interesting, was also potentially disruptive and attention seeking.

These are heavily assumption based obviously and I intend them as a guide to alternative viewpoints of the same situation rather than actual reality.

Were did you get the 'you' quotes from, I can't find them.. Did you add things?

They aren't exact quotes, Lanark, but Offred seems to me to get the gist of what you're saying, don't you think?

I was assuming other posters are using 'disordered thought' in the sense of 'a noticeable difference from the expected thought pattern in such circumstances'.

I think it's fair to say that you do react unusually to other people. Your thoughts seem jump immediately to what they might be doing wrong.

They aren't quotes. I didn't put them into quotation marks and I added a note at the bottom to explain that they were assumption based situations and not necessarily actual reality.

My point, that you have tried to avoid, is that your perception of things is simply that; how you perceive them. There are other ways to interpret those events such as you were being disruptive and you weren't adequately communicating vulnerability but expecting people to surmise that was how you were feeling.

Do you see?

The main point is that your expressions are consistently stating what is more reasonably construed as your perception of things as a factual representation of an objective reality. That is an indication of disordered thinking since perceptions of events and experiences are not objective reality.

They are useful but they are not objective reality.

Further; your particular perception of most events seems to come from a concrete belief that people are out to get you and mean you harm.

As touched on earlier, it's likely that is rooted in insecure attachment.

I have found this thread very interesting, both because of the responses and the consistent presentation of the OP.

Directly quoting you:

"I'm quite principled and hate that I can't sort things out because employers keep pushing me away.. I am perfectly decent but look hideous on paper because of the sodding employers.

Yesterday 21:07 Lanark2

Hi tormentil,
I have done myers-briggs and all it does is confirm me as high achiever, driven, high standards, creative problem solver who can be analytical, team focussed, able to identify and articulate problems and their solutions s etc etc all very good employability traits.."

How do you explain this phenomenon that you've observed? You have done the M-B questionnaire and you have revealed yourself to have a personality ideally suited to employment. Yet, when you get there, your high standards are taken as criticism, or even competitiveness? Your creative problem solving is taken as interference, your ability to identify problems and their solutions is rejected and your position in the team is far lower than you would expect.

Something isn't right. Either your perception is off (something that many posters have suggested) or you have been really unfortunate in your work experiences.

What sort of work do you do?

Ok OP, so I mention that you may not have the skills to assess your own abilities and your response is that you knew you were good at something because you tested yourself. Learning by rote from an enclopaedia is not the same as knowing about processes and theories. It's not the same as understanding a science in depth.
I agree with what Offred says about disorder. Think about what order and organisation mean in biology. Some of your thinking seems lacking in order. You don't really seem to understand how perception and reality relate.
Sometimes the world is a frustating place but there are times when it may help to see things from someone else's viewpoint. But you are very dismissive of others.

A normal and healthy thought pattern would be my perception is x the other's perception of the same event is y, why do we have different views? What has caused them to come to that conclusion? Followed by some examination of the other person's considerations e.g. Having a syllabus to keep to, needing to maintain control of a class etc and an examination of your own motivations for concluding y such as I feel this work is not stimulating and a sorting process that arrives at a more reasonable conclusion such as 'it is frustrating being taught stuff I already know but I appreciate I'm not the only person in the class'

Just as an example...

*concluding x

Sorry

And I mean normal for an adult.

Probably not that normal for a teen who may be caught up in thinking things are just unfair.

I agree. It's like when someone says 'oh I know about the liver....'. Well there are doctors the world over who specialise not only in the liver, but one tiny function of the liver, for their whole careers because it is too complex to be expert in the liver as a whole. Yet, 'you know about the liver.'

I used to read Reader's Digest 'You and your rights' for fun as a kid odd child so I could tell you all sorts of legal stuff. It didn't make me a lawyer and I didn't think I knew so much that I didn't have to listen in claSS.

I was a very bright and at times quite disruptive pupil. Different teachers had different ways of dealing with me. My history teacher gambled on explaining that if I didn't behave he had no chance with the rest of the class. That paid off. Chem teacher just fed me loads of extra work. English teacher parked me at the back of the class and left me to read on my own once I'd done the set work.
I always recognised though that they were intelligent people doing a difficult job. And I knew that I was lucky that I enjoyed academic stuff.

From my perspective, you may look at CBT as a therapy option. It helps you understand 'why?'
When you have that knowledge, it's easier to find an appropriate course of action.

I'm a remarried divorcee. Should have never married first husband, but we produced 2 beautiful children. I walked away with very little financially, in relation to the potential fair agreement, but I needed to run for sanity. I did it, and it cleansed me somewhat.
As a 'high functioning high achiever', I then chose to accept a less demanding role. It paid the bills, and allowed me to function as an effective parent. A worthwhile compromise, but in that environment it can be soul destroying. I know that I am a valued employee, but I could be more effective with more responsibility. My colleagues are generally aware of my non-competitive nature. I have one obvious enemy who resents my competencies, but this person is noted for having a difficult nature.
There is residual frustration, but I am intent upon rising above it.

Finding an enjoyable form of physical exercise is good for morale. It raises endorphins, and makes people more attractive. Also good for meeting like minded people.

Stop listening to negativity. Choose to be positive. Perform random acts of kindness. Find the things that stimulate you personally.
A happy and confident person is attractive.
You seem to easily identify the things that others 'should' find attractive, but your capability to confidently self-promote is lacking.

Do dumb things that amuse you. Reorganize your living space to give you a fresh perspective. Think about what you actually want.

My husband is an exceptionally talented and good man. He's very successful.
His childhood was a series of knocks. He learned boxing to overcome bullying - determination took him to international level. He is significantly dyslexic (statemented), and fought for his intelligence to be recognized. He has a very senior role, and found ways to work around his issues. He never gives up, unless his interest is exhausted, or he is disrespected.

He could have easily given in, and believed what people told him.
He chose to take risks, and prove himself.

We've gone through a series of unfortunate, and frankly horrific situations. We get through because we have faith in the future.

Please stop living in the past. It's gone.
Make your life a pleasure, and fight for the future.
You sound like a good man, who is held back by past misfortune, frustration, and procrastination.
Get help, and aim for the stars.